#needumost

I tend to fall in love with broken people, with people I feel I can fix somehow. I think that will always be my greatest weakness.

"Day 1 I cried so hard my mother was scared to leave me alone. She called me from work every hour to hear me breathing. Day 2 I only left my bed to go to class. Your best friend said you love me more than I’ll ever know. Day 3 I was finally able to eat a meal without heaving it (and thoughts of us) up ten minutes later. Day 4 Another girl said you asked her to hang out. I lost it right there in the middle of class. Day 5 I laughed without you today. Day 6 I cuddled with another boy but I couldn’t fall asleep in his arms. I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes dry at 5 am. I miss your arms. Day 7 I posted a picture with the boy. You liked it and it made my stomach feel like knives. Day 8 I typed a text to send you saying we’re not pregnant but I deleted it. It’s stupid but I wish I still had you to celebrate with. Day 9 I didn’t think about you today and I swore I was cured. I think my mind was just playing a cruel trick on me. Day 10 I wore a dress to school and you paused in the hallway to turn and look at me. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Day 11 My brother asked me how many times I’m going to listen to the same song. He doesn’t know it’s your favorite. Day 12 I wore your t-shirt to bed. It still smells like you. God I would bathe in that smell if I could. Day 13 I opened up to my friends finally. No one can make sense of it. No one saw it coming. I wish I saw it coming. Day 14 I went out of my way to drive past your house tonight. It gave me a feeling of safety, like the way I used to feel with my head on your chest. Day 15 What shade of green are your eyes? I promised myself I would never forget them and god here I am. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Day 16 Picked up the phone to call you before class. I forgot I couldn’t do that anymore. Who’s supposed to calm me down in the mornings? Day 17 I wonder who you call now to calm you down on nights when you can’t sleep. Day 18 Somedays the doubt overcomes me and hangs in the air like a dark cloud. I think maybe you never really loved me, but then that makes the least sense of all. Day 19 I brought your things back. You told me I looked like I was doing well and I know it upset you I didn’t turn to look back. Little did you know I left and went to our spot where I cried until there wasn’t a dry spot on the front of my shirt. Day 20 I heard you replaced me and it scratched at my scars but I didn’t bleed. Day 21 This was a stupid poem about a troublesome boy who held my heart in his palm and who loved me and who destroyed me. But I don’t need you to be happy anymore.” (they say it takes 21 days to break a bad habit)

In autumn I met a boy who looked at me like I was the moon and the stars. He told me I was beautiful and grinned when I uttered his name. In the winter I fell in love with a boy who called me his girl and told me he would never leave. He kept me up at night because the real world was better than my dreams. His arms fit perfectly around me and his laughter filled the cold air and warmed my heart. In the spring I was destroyed by a boy who no longer saw the night sky in my eyes. He couldn’t keep his promise to me nor his hands to himself. He asked me to not be so me and left when I didn’t comply.