#needs answering

It's hard being a romantic asexual. (Not saying it's the hardest thing ever. But it is difficult at times. Here's why.)

Like, I want a girlfriend, but every girl I come across wants something that I can't give. I can never happily give that. So it'd be cruel to commit to a relationship where I can't give her something that most people need. So naturally, I refuse to date.

But then there's that side of me that is utterly, hopelessly, a lover. Which isn't to say I need a relationship. I've been perfectly fine for years by myself. I do enjoy being single.

But I have so much joy in my heart, so much happiness, that it makes me sad to not be able to share it with someone special to me. Like, if I find a flower that I really like, I have no one to give it to. If I sit by the river, there is no one there to enjoy it with me. I have no one to play music for. And so on. I genuinely want another soul to share my time with.

However again, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy being single. In fact, I find I prefer my own company over others a solid 90% of the time. I actually need time for myself, or I go cuckoo.

But yet I still dream of spending time with a girl. Laughing on the beach, dancing in the rain. These notions hold great appeal to me.

So I do something stupid. I "micro fall in love." I meet a girl who is nice and friendly, and who seems like a really cool person. But then I never do anything about it, so she ends up dating someone else and I feel crappy, because I put my fingers on a railroad and never took them off.

This isn't really to say some things are more important than others, it's more just a personal thing I wanted to put into words. And maybe I needed to blow off some steam.

And I know that all sounds sappy, but if that's true then I am literally a tree. I love that kind of stuff. But I've made my peace with it all. Or at least mostly.

Also, if anyone reads this, feel free to comment. Maybe one of you guys has some insight on this. Heaven knows I could use it.

So...ok.

The place that I've been tossed around at for close to two months now invites me to this seminar. Says "it won't affect our hiring decision" if I can't go. I kind of don't want to go...but something says that if I don't go, they'll be like "welp she's a tool we're not hiring her."