#needjesusdesperately

Lord –

We are not alone in this world. Thank you for reminding me that it’s not only me who struggles with inadequacy, confusion, being scattered, unsettled, and feeling “off” in general. Thank you for brothers and sisters to be honest with and be able to say “hey, I don’t feel okay”; being not okay is okay because it’s okay to not be okay. There are moments in life where we feel weak. Lord, my dear little brother and friend JJ and I are not okay. Because of his transparency, it led me to get on my proverbial knees to you, because we need you desperately. Life is hard at this moment. These moments are hard. Personally, I’m tired of being distracted and looking forward to getting off bumble. It’s hard to regulate my emotions with new people who are clearly interested in not just being my friend. Though, to be fair, I have enough friends, but it takes energy away from those who are already in my life. Help me to seek you and to seek you in these type of friendships. It easily overwhelms me. Romantic relationship overwhelms me. Lord – I need your protection, guidance, and just love for me to over shadow the love from others. Like, thank you that I can be safe in you. That in you there’s refuge and strength. Also forgive me for giving my time, attention, and affection to things that aren’t worth it. ‘cause clearly having to fight scenarios in my mind in wanting to engage in activities I clearly can’t and won’t do ‘cause I’m not married is a thing. Man, Lord, I need to write/journal/pray to you heavy ‘cause there’s SOOO much going on in my mind and heart that it clouds me and makes me feel “off”. Lord, thank you for prayer and for Josh for bringing me again to my knees to you. Lord, we need you!!!

Grateful for a dad who loves me well though is learning what it means to love me in this particular season. Like, being more honest and forthcoming on what…

Like, dad: have you ever considered asking me what makes me feel better instead of doing something in the name of wanting to make me feel better yet actually not seeking to figure it out or ask me? Like, the statements to always ask about my mother or to see what’s good with my mother or if my mother is involved does nothing for me: absolutely nothing. I know that it does your heart good to know that we’re in a better place and that I’m getting in a better place of acceptance… but guess what? Maybe I just want a place to vent and to have my venting acknowledged and not unknowingly dismissed under the claims of “making me feel better”. It doesn’t make me feel better when my mother is given the benefit of the doubt when she’s CONTINUALLY shown her ass since the very beginning. Let. Me. Be. And Vent. You’re the MAIN person I talk to about her since you (and Bill) are the main two who get it and it won’t get out to her since I have to deal with ME and MY emotions. Also, if you’re curious about my mom, why not call her and ask? Have your own relationship with her and not through me. Ironically, you’re doing the same thing you accused her of doing when I was growing up. Ya’ll are adults. Outside of “how is your mother doing?” I don’t care to respond to it. Actually, I fucking don’t want to. ‘Cause it seems sometimes that you care more about my relationship with my mother than actually caring about me period. Yes, her relationship is a part of me, but it’s not me. And outside of my random vents, I tend to not talk about her often.