#ncow

so it’s National Coming Out Week and I just wanted to write a little thing because I feel like I need to. This isn’t about any of the usual things I do on this blog, but here goes:

I used to think that people saying “it’s get better” were liars. I could see that the world was not a good place, and it felt like no matter what I did, I couldn’t see a future that was worth living for. I was deeply depressed from the ages of 16-19, to the point where my memories of those years are pretty hazy. I went through a lot of self loathing because of finding out my sexuality, questioning my gender identity, and just my complete inability to figure out what I was doing with my life. I thought I was supposed to have it all figured out by the end of high school (you don’t), and after my first year of college I was still lost. I knew how I wanted to feel, to look, to behave, but it felt like I couldn’t change. 

Until I just sort of...did. Little by little, I got better. and I really mean little by little, it doesn’t happen in a week or even 3 months, I had to work for it. I don’t have a formula for anyone to follow. There really isn’t a secret, you have to run your own race. Looking back I know my experiences have made me stronger but of course I wouldn’t wish negative thinking and depression on anyone and I don’t think that just having a mental illness (that I still struggle with) made me a better person. I cut toxic people out of my life deepened my connection with them. I found better hobbies, falling deeply in love with the McElroy’s and BTS’s brand of positive, self-affirmative content. I changed my diet, I kissed more people, I drank, I danced, I slept more. I made a lot of mistakes. I developed little routines that made getting out of bed worth it. And the last year of my life has been the best one yet. I’m finally dating someone who respects me, I have a small but great group of friends, and every day I wake up, loving the world and knowing that I’m going to do my best to make it a better place. Whether that’s in 2 years when I start my career, or in the little compliments I give to everyone who’s looking fly on campus. I’ve become so much more aware of my words/thoughts/actions and their impact on others, and I take myself and my feelings more seriously. I am responsible, I am beautiful, and I am whole.

this will be one of those rare times where i actually use my blog as a blog.

i went to a festival for national coming out day on sunday, and while the festival itself was kind of lame (pride events are always SO coorporate), i realized something. my depression has been getting better lately. a lot better. and, when i think about it, my progress is directly correlated to how much i’ve embraced my sexuality. i didn’t really realize i was bi until i started college, and not REALLY until the past year. 

i’d always thought that i could possibly be bi, but i never realized that the attraction i had for women was romantic (because the only way women are taught to recognize romantic attraction is when it’s towards men!). but i’ve embraced that part of myself and become more involved in queer things - the queer student union at my school, going to pride parades, taking a LGBT studies class. i’m not hiding that part of myself anymore. i came out to my mom and she was so supportive. i came out to my dad and he just did not believe me (like, he’s convinced that he has a straight daughter even though i have a framed newspaper article from when marriage equality passed and go to pride parades and have been involved in queer politics since high school...) 

but whatever. i don’t really care what my dad thinks or if he believes me. but i feel like i have a better understanding of myself now.  and i’ve embraced an important part of my identity.

i realized too that i’m... actually feeling good about the place in my life i’m in right now. i like where i am. i have my own apartment with blue walls and tulle curtains and more comfy pillows than i need. i’m a block away from a grocery store and a 7-11. i have two cats who i love with my entire heart. i get fresh veggies at the farmer’s market on thursdays. i like the classes i’m taking. i have a friend on my floor!! somebody to TALK to and do homework with!! i don’t feel so alone anymore!! i’m doing well in school and i’m enjoying life at temple university and  yeah life has been good

that’s all