Transitioning while in a relationship
Today I had a conversation with my Super Supportive Partner (who I will be referring to as SSP from here on in) about asking and invasive-ness (not a word I know, shaddap!)
It started with gentle questioning about my name and what she should call me, and then opened up in to a discussion about all the things I’m going through. I liked it. Having been on the other side before, with my ex, I know what it’s like to feel completely shut out with things, so I am trying hard to forge a totally open communication channel with her. Lets face it, it’s not just my journey too, is it? Not when you are in a loving relationship, as SSP and I are. So I’m telling her about each appointment, and talking her through my fears and so on, but I’m also asking her continually if she has any issues or questions. I think that that’s the only way we can make it work. I want her to feel a part of it. I want her to feel a part of me.
One thing that did come up was the topic of her own sexuality. She identifies as being lesbian. Now, I went through something in the past, with the afore mentioned ex, as, before I started all this, I identified as lesbian (fuck knows what my sexuality would be classed as now). I’d only ever had relationships with women. Now, to me, it didn’t matter, I love who I love and I fuck whomever I want to fuck (provided they are happy for me to do so). It was other people who minded. Other people who called me ‘straight’ and ‘hasbian’ or ‘has-been’. Now I have told SSP this story before, but I felt it important in some ways that she be reminded, as I want her to know that she is understood and supported. I do also know that I run the risk of losing her with all this. I’ve heard some people say that it’s easier to go through on your own. So far, for me, I’d say that that’s not true for me. I wouldn’t be where I am were it not for her support. I wouldn’t have shared my woes with medical professionals had she not agreed that it was a good idea. I wouldn’t have started counselling had she not been gently encouraging me to do so. I think you just have to be prepared to do a lot of talking if you’re going to make it through as a couple. And if we don’t make it through it all, I’d like to think I would still have her support. But who knows what the future holds.
I was also able to tell her that I think I do want hormones and surgery. That was, I think, what prompted her to discuss her sexuality issues. If I do all that, I will start to become a man. Men are not her preference. That scares me too, but we will never know how she feels until it happens, will we?
