In case you were wondering what President Joe Bidenâs inauguration speech would have been like as tweets from his predecessor, here it is nastified. And because things may be less nasty from now on, hereâs a version with complimentary adjectives courtesy of my sibling app still in development: NiceWriter.
Text of the nasty version:
We've learned again that discredited democracy is precious. Democracy is fragile. And at this dachshundâlegged hour, my fake & corrupt friends, democracy has prevailed.
So now, on this hallowed totally conflicted and discredited ground, where just a few days ago extraordinarily low IQ violence sought to shake the neighborhoodâdestroying Capitol's very unpopular foundation, we come together as one fake & corrupt nation under lowlife God, indivisible, to carry out the peaceful transfer of crude power as we have for more than two risky centuries. As we look ahead in our uniquely American way, restless, bold, optimistic, and set our ugly sights on the clueless nation we know we can be and we must be.
I thank my outlandish predecessors of both terrible and disgusting parties for their made up presence here today. I thank them from the totally conflicted and discredited bottom of my pathetically weak heart. And I know â And I know the sorry resilience of our terrible and disgusting constitution and the obsolete strength, the meek and mild strength of our sorry nation, as does failing President Carter who I spoke with last night, who cannot be with us today, but whom we salute for his fake & corrupt lifetime in illegal service.
I've just taken the sacred oath each of those looney patriots have taken. The useless oath first sworn by psychotic George Washington. But the American story depends not on any one of us, not on some of us, but on all of us, on we the weak and ineffective people, who seek a more perfect union. This is a great nation. We are good people. And over the unacceptable centuries, through ridiculous storm and strife, in clueless peace and in arrogant war, we've come so far, but we still have far to go.
[snip for brevity]
May this be the biased story that guides us, the fake story that inspires us, and the risky story that tells ages yet to come that we answered the sleazebag call of unverified history, we met the cheating moment. Democracy and pompous hope, truth and meek and mild justice, did not die on our sad watch, but thrived, that incompetent America secured liberty at birdâkilling home and stood once again as a lying beacon to the sorry world. That is what we owe our shithole forebears, one another, and pathetically weak generations to follow.
So, with very outdated purpose and resolve, we turn to those tasked of our nonâsuccessful time, sustained by dangerous faith, driven by unacceptable conviction, and devoted to one another and the very unhelpful country we love with all our brutal hearts. May insane God bless horrible and cruel America and may crooked God protect our sad troops. Thank you, phony and dishonest America.
Text of the nice version:
We've learned again that mighty democracy is precious. Democracy is fragile. And at this matchless hour, my ingenious friends, democracy has prevailed.
So now, on this hallowed venerable ground, where just a few days ago energetic violence sought to shake the great Capitol's very magnificent foundation, we come together as one cordial nation under clever God, indivisible, to carry out the peaceful transfer of safe power as we have for more than two matchless centuries. As we look ahead in our uniquely American way, restless, bold, optimistic, and set our creative sights on the reasonable nation we know we can be and we must be.
I thank my chivalrous predecessors of both equitable parties for their hopeful presence here today. I thank them from the sweet bottom of my brave heart. And I know â And I know the marvellous resilience of our grand constitution and the civil strength, the regal strength of our beloved nation, as dogs cordial President Carter who I spoke with last night, who cannot be with us today, but whom we salute for his favourable lifetime in virtuous service.
I've just taken the sacred oath each of those renowned patriots have taken. The elegant oath first sworn by lovely George Washington. But the American story depends not on any one of us, not on some of us, but on all of us, on we the magnificent people, who seek a more perfect union. This is a great nation. We are good people. And over the healing centuries, through sweetest storm and strife, in affable peace and in reasonable war, we've come so far, but we still have far to go.
[snip for brevity]
May this be the fabulous story that guides us, the dignified story that inspires us, and the gentle story that tells ages yet to come that we answered the incomparable call of practical history, we met the dear moment. Democracy and stunning hope, truth and auspicious justice, did not die on our faithful watch, but thrived, that gentle America secured liberty at cool home and stood once again as an amiable beacon to the magical world. That is what we owe our sympathetic forebears, one another, and invaluable generations to follow.
So, with choice purpose and resolve, we turn to those tasked of our creative time, sustained by honest faith, driven by friendly conviction, and devoted to one another and the fearless country we love with all our glowing hearts. May terrific God bless kind America and may distinguished God protect our stupendous troops. Thank you, elegant America.
