#narfask

it’s mostly just a case of distraction. it’s really hard for me to focus on a single project because my tastes change a lot every few months as my favorite things get different, and the amount of work required to actually start something is pretty daunting. i don't work very good in groups and find it hard asking people to help or dividing things up, and i don't have much money to compensate people who are actually skilled, so i'm kinda eh on that... and though i do have periods where i get really into a work and wanna try for it, those are always times i feel bad for doing so because i'm usually staying up too late and procrastinating.

a lot of the problem is that my most comfortable space to work in is my dorm room right now and since i'm only here when i'm at school with a lot of projects that eat up time i feel bad when i focus on what i want to do instead of what i have to do, especially since there's always time for more studying and things like taxes, figuring out what to do with study abroad, etc.... and so because all of that stuff is always something i /could/ be doing, i never feel like it's okay for me to put the effort into a real project

and once i finally get past that, man, actual writing is  haaaaaaard D:

so pixi... we meet again... here is a song ive ben liking a lot lately

i’ve always been a bit frustrated with myself and art. i made pretty bad music and tiny doodles of little consequnce for ages and only recently started posting bits of it,but i still have a long way to go before i make something cool. i really want to make  BIG project some day, like an rpg maker game - the hard part is finding out how to muster my energies and make a short game. i was thinking last night about how i should just make whatever instead of trying to look for a unique edge, though, and maybe i should ya know. heh.

i suppose something that bothers me is that my art is often not very serious art - it’s just doodles that spill out of my head. but because its unique it’s naturally what people are most intol and it’s unfortunate to me that i can’t USE my talent to generate the ideas i get but instead it just kinda comes out as cool things that i nevertheless can’t use. it’s like a veneer of talent with no real heart behind it. i do try a bt harder on music but it’s so much more difficult to get that out when i’m not even that good and most people can’t really spare the time to check it out because of how it’s a much more temporal thing - idk i feel like it’s just arder for people to enjoy and overall if i’m no EXCELLENT it’s just nowhere near as impressive, especially with the wide range of genre compared to “cool art”. it’s a bit frustrating. i want to make a game but im into stuff a lot of people get bored with too so it’s like, i dunno, it’s very tough. i wanna get better and really wow people but i dunno if i’ll ever get thre, especially with the great balancing act i play all the time. and heck, i don’t get my best work done except when i’m avoiding responsibilities. it’s weird! i dunno.