Leaving behind a boy when he knew that all Lan Wangji wanted was to die with him…

And, now he had to go on living. If it wasn’t for him, then it was for the boy — the son of Wei Ying and him. Even if his heart wanted to scream and rip apart everything, he had to live and hold on because now, someone needed him. The boy, A-Yuan needed him now more than ever after Wei Ying left him.

When A-Yuan didn’t remember the face of his father, it pained him. It hurt knowing that Wei Ying would never see his son, and A-Yuan would never remember his father ever again. Then, when his son started to question his parents, Lan Wangji had nothing to say to him.

“HanGuang-Jun, am I a bad kid? Is that why my parents left me?”

It broke his heart when he heard the small and trembling voice asking him. His son was on the verge of crying when he asked. But, all Lan Wangji could think of was how much Wei Ying must have loved him. Even adored his own son to the point of sacrificing himself to keep the small boy safe while hiding in the Burial Mounds.

“Lan Yuan, your father loves you so much that he sacrificed himself,” was the only sentence that could come out from his mouth. Anything more than that, he would probably cry together with his son.

“Lan Yuan,” he called his son’s name, calming and comforting, as he picked him up and held him. “You have to remember how much your father loves you. Just like I do to you.”

He cried, a few sheds of tears escaped his eyes as he held their son in his hands tight. It was hard for him to keep his feelings under. He wanted to break into pieces but how could he when his son was already doing that? How could he break when their son was missing his father?

He took a deep breath, trying the best he could to stay calm and collected as his son sobbed onto his clothes. Lan Wangji buried his nose onto his son’s hair while his hand caressing the boy’s back, calming him in a way he could.

And that night, they slept together. Lan Yuan didn’t want to sleep with anyone else but with his father, and Lan Wangji only hummed in approval.

As seasons turned to years, the sound of his guqin stayed the same. The soft and calming melody filled the air as he asked the same questions every single day. Wei Ying was the only name he could ask about, and every day the answer would be the same…

He had stopped crying. The pain in his heart numbed itself to the touch of others and his eyes had lost its life. It still hurt, but he could handle it. Some nights were bearable than others, and when it wasn’t, he couldn’t help but to look at the night sky and think of their memories together. He couldn’t help it. His tears, every single one of them, ended up flowing towards the person he loved. His tears, the pain in his heart, and the writing on his chest were all just reminding him of Wei Ying.

All he wanted to know was for how long did he have to endure this. How long until he could die for him to be together with the person he so loved?

But, he left the thoughts behind as his fingers stopped and rested on top of the strings. Lan Yuan, their son still needed him. He smiled imagining how Wei Ying reacted if he knew that their son had become a Lan disciple now. That his son had grown up to become something his father could be proud of if he ever returned.

His last tears dropped down to his clothes and he looked at the bright moon shining its light to his study room. All he could think of was him…The way Wei Ying smiled at him, teased him, and even fought with him on the rooftop of their school over a jar of alcohol.

Was this what it felt like to love someone?

Lan Wangji only smiled, a small and pathetic smile that only himself could see. He was tired, of course, he was since he had just returned from the night-hunt. He wasn’t expecting anything when he heard someone was practicing the dark arts to stir up some problems, but it wasn’t him. It wasn’t Wei Ying’s spirit or even possession. It was entirely something different, so he took care of it with the other learning disciples.

Oh, how he wished for it to be Wei Wuxian. How he wished to talk to him just one last time before he could let go of this love and live by himself.

But, it wasn’t him. In the end, nothing was him no matter how hard he looked…

With jars of sake hidden underneath the floor and the marks on his chest, he couldn't help but think of Wei Ying.「滚」was the word on his chest that never allowed him to forget of that time. When they were hidden in the cave after everything went down in the Nightless city. He knew how reckless he was to keep giving his own spiritual power when he was already so weak. But, he couldn’t help it. He wanted to know, make sure that there was a way to remove the damage in his beloved’s mind.

Yet, he was always too late. Lan Wangji himself was exhausted and without his spiritual power, it was impossible to both protect Wei Ying and reverse the damage caused by the dark arts.

It was then when his brother, Lan Xichen showed up along with his uncles. Thirty-three whips on his back to pay for his and Wei Ying’s sins. Yet, he failed to see who was in the wrong despite paying such a price.

He sighed as the bell rang and the night went past the Lan sect’s sleeping time. The jar of sake on the table and glass on his hand, it reminded him of Wei Ying. How much he loved drinking the Emperor’s Smile despite going against the rules. Now, Lan Wangji was sitting inside his study room and drinking the alcohol. It tasted bittersweet, just like his unreturned love.

“Wei Ying.”

A tear fell down his cheek. Just how cruel could their life be with the last word of their soulmate written on their chest, piercing his heart to no end and reminding him of his failure every day.

A soulmark was what the writing on his chest called. They didn’t know how this was caused or what was the reason for it to exist in the first place. All they knew was that everyone must have a soulmate in their life because of this. And, no one ever knew if the person they were in love with was their soulmate or not because the word only appeared right before one of them die. The word that was written was the last word said to them by their loved one. This was why he rushed to be by Wei Ying’s side when he realized the writing on his chest.

Yet, he still didn’t get to see him at all. And this time, it was his fault. It was all his fault for leaving the one he loved in there. He should’ve taken him back to Gusu. He should’ve pleaded before all of his uncles and brother to accept Wei Ying even if they had to live in seclusion forever.

He should have… but nothing changes the reality he lived now.

Nothing changed the fact that Wei Ying was gone, leaving him behind to mourn after all these years.

Lan Wangji had given up hope though the sound of his guqin still played the same song every day. His heart was no longer hoping for miracles that would never come. If he had to live like this, let it be it. He had accepted the fact that he wanted to live with no one but him, even after all these years went by.

Today marked the thirteen years since he had taken Lan Yuan to his new home. Today was also the day he wanted to give his son a proper courtesy name for others to call.

「蓝思追」Lan Sizhui was the name that he chose for his son.

Even though he tried to give up so many times, he couldn’t completely let go of the feeling in his heart. He continued to yearn for the one he couldn’t have. Thus, it was how his son’s name came from — “to yearn for” or “to pine for”. Maybe with such a name, Wei Ying would come back by his side.

Lan Sizhui’s father would come back just like the meaning in his name.

“HanGuang-Jun, thank you for choosing my courtesy name,” sad Sizhui as he bowed before him in gratitude.

He didn’t say anything, only smiled and caressed his son’s hair. Lan Sizhui had truly grown up since the time he took him back. Wei Ying’s smile was the only thing he could imagine if he could see his son this big.

“Lan Yuan,” he called the name. Sizhui was looking at him now.

“Thank you,” was the last word he said before taking his hand off and walking away.

Sizhui smiled and returned the word with a respectful bow before returning to his friends.

That thank you was for a lot of things. Most of all, that thank you was for keeping Lan Wangji alive after all these years that he spent in tears.

After all these years he spent mourning for his love to come back.

The mark on his chest hurt when he rushed towards the Dafan Mountain after hearing the loud crash. He tried to keep calm as he mounted his sword towards the commotion.

Lan Yuan. Lan Jingyi… were the only names he could think of as he and Sect Leader Jiang flew in.

“HanGuang-Jun!”

Lan Sizhui called in surprise as the man dropped by behind him.

“What’s happening?”

Lan Sizhui immediately recapped everything that happened. From how Jin Ling wished for the dancing goddess to appear before him, the Ghost General Wen Ning came up from the ashes to save them, and to how he was able to get the arm inside the bag. But now, the people were after the Ghost General even though he just saved them.

Lan Wangji frowned because he knew who the Ghost General was. The Ghost General was the Yiling Patriarch's right hand and arguably, the most fierce corpse among others. It was almost impossible to summon him without the power and authority that Wei Ying had.

He started to doubt himself but then he heard it and his soulmark began to ache again. This time it wasn’t painful, it was cold. A soothing kind of cold that he had never experienced.

Lan Wangji mounted his sword again to find the source of the melody. He knew this song. He was the one who made this song for him. There was no mistake when he heard it. It was the song he had played for Wei Ying when they were trapped in the cave after killing the giant turtle.

“He’s here. Wei Ying,” was the only thing he could think of as he rushed to find him.

And, there he was. His Wei Ying, playing the song he composed only for him. Lan Wangji didn’t make a mistake about the person in front of him despite his different looks.

When they collided, Lan Wangji grabbed the man’s wrist and looked at him. The man in front of him hesitated for a second before forcing himself to keep playing the flute despite the strong grip on his wrist. The melody was desperate now, almost like scolding or lecturing the Ghost General before he finally fled from those after him.

Lan Wangji tightened his grip and made Wei Ying dropped his flute. Wei Ying immediately grabbed his wrist and said: “Don’t chase after him.”

He smiled when he heard the familiar tone again. Only Wei Ying would think that Lan Wangji would follow the corpse. After all, why would he when the person he was looking for all these years was in front of him?

“Wei Ying,” the name finally came out again after all these years.

The man in front of him was shocked then a flash of purple lightning came for him. Lan Wangji swiftly stood in front of Wei Ying with his guqin striking the purple light with the blue and calm tone.

“Well, you’re back, aren’t you?” the sound was mocking. “Wei Wuxian!”

Lan Wangji frowned and shielded Wei Ying from the sight of Jiang Wanyin. He held Wei Ying’s wrist steadily as the man hide behind him.

Wei Ying panicked when he was found out. It wasn’t his intention to get found out this easily after all he wanted to escape from both Lan and Jiang sect. He knew they still had bad blood with him, and he wished not to die so quickly this time. Yet, he couldn’t escape, not when his hand was gripped by the HanGuang-Jun.

“Come off it, Wei Wuxian! Stop hiding behind Lan Wangji and face me right now!”

Sect Leader Jiang roared like usual. Wei Ying was used to it but the sound that he made just now, it sounded like he was gonna get whipped by zidian even if he had come off voluntarily.

“Sect Leader Jiang,” a voice came out. Wei Ying looked at where the voice came from and it was Lan Sizhui.

He wanted to whisper to the Lan’s disciples to stop talking before the whip shut him, but he couldn’t. The grip on his hand tightened, and he really thought that it could almost cut off his circulation if it were to get anywhere tighten than this.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying called. He was trying to get his hand off from Lan Wangji’s grip and ran towards his donkey, but it seemed impossible now.

The moment he was able to slip past Lan Wangji’s grip was when there were loud noises in the woods. He grabbed the opportunity and ran towards his donkey only to be whipped by the lightning zidian and fell on the Lill Apple’s back.

Shock was an understatement to describe Lan Wangji and Jiang Wanyin’s expression.

“You can really do anything when you come from a powerful sect, can’t you?”

It was then when Lan Wangji walked towards Wei Ying trying to ride his donkey after being whipped by zidian. It was almost ridiculous when he kept falling off his donkey when he tried to ride it. His lower back just didn’t agree with him and the pain still shocked his back. So, all he could do was sitting on the ground while holding the rein of his donkey.

“Wei Ying, come back to Gusu with me.”

Jiang Wanyin couldn’t hear what Lan Wangji said as he commanded his people to take Wei Wuxian to his sect. Wei Ying heard it too and he immediately said:

“Take me to Gusu, Lan Zhan! I want to go back with you to Gusu,” as he clung to the white robe as he heard Jiang Cheng’s men coming closer for him.

The man smiled and said: “Mark your words.”

Then Lan Wangji pulled him off the ground and held Wei Ying in his arms. Wei Ying could only hide his embarrassed face with his hands as he allowed Lan Wangji to carry him wherever he needs to.

“This person, I will be taking back to the Lan Sect.”

With that, Lan Wangji walked away and left behind the Jiang sect to deal with their own confusion. But, he didn’t care. He didn’t care as long as Wei Ying came back to him.

As long as Wei Ying returned to him in Gusu and never leave him again. He would make sure that his Wei Ying never leaves without telling him or without him by his side.

This time for sure, he would keep Wei Ying by his side and protect him.

“I love you, Wei Ying…”

He said as the man fell fast asleep, exhausted from everything that happened. But, little did he know the soulmark on his chest had been changed into 「我也爱你」

[1]“There’s no helping it. Even though I’ve done so much evil, I still wish for sympathy. That’s the type of person I am.” 

[2] “Go on without me, Sect Leader Jin!” “Thanks.” 

[3] When someone insulted JGY by calling him “son of a whore” XY immediately cut the man’s tongue out. That’s a true bro.