-

“and the statistics should come by tomorrow, we’ll discuss it again and take the necessary measure,” your co-worker, andrew, droned on, in a too confident and too boring way, you stifle a laugh when you catch jennie’s eye from across the table.

she rolls her eyes at the presentation and you roll your eyes back, both of you smile as if there weren’t thirty other people in the conference room who could turn and see you being lost in each other.

when you were dismissed, you wait for jennie by the door but just as she reaches you with eager steps, “ms.kim! would you mind staying back for a minute?” andrew’s voice booms from the other end of the conference room and you catch the wince on jennie’s face.

“of course, sir,” she turns back to you with a pout and it takes everything in you to not melt into the floor, “go, save yourself, i’ll catch you later,” jennie whispers to you and then runs away but the warmth of her whisper stays in your ears and burns in your cheeks.

on your desk, you click through photos that you and jennie took over the years, she looked gorgeous in everything, you looked pretty when you were with her.

and this wasn’t your insecurity speaking, you were happy when you were with jennie, and that happiness gleamed on your face more than any highlighter in the world. it made you pretty, you felt your most beautiful whenever you were with her.

you look up as you see her skirt float behind her, and you swear you don’t mean to stare, you really don’t but you do, anyway. you always do.

it wasn’t your fault, she sat there, flipping her hair and tying it into a ponytail, leaning over her screen with the faintest red cheeks, and her eyes narrowed and widened at her screen comically with every single click of her finger.

you wouldn’t look away even if you could, you had no better use of your time.

“she’s really pretty,” you hear andrew behind you and instinctively, you turn to agree, to say ‘she is, and she will never be yours’ but he was your boss, and you were in an office, whether you liked it or not.

but then, you realize he wasn’t even talking to you, he was just behind you and he was talking to someone else, about jennie, about your best friend, jennie.

your cheeks grow hot, not in the way jennie made them sometimes (or always), but with a simmering anger that you felt all the way down to your clenching toes.

“do you think i should ask her out?” andrew chimes again and you clench your teeth next, setting your eyes on the changing pixels in front of you, “why not? i’m pretty sure she’s single,” another voice comes in and you jerk your chair back, standing up.

“she’s not,” you say, louder than you intended to and they look at you quizzically before their faces go up in uncomfortable smiles.

“were you listening in on us?” the other guy accuses you, and andrew shakes his head, pulling the guy back, “she’s just telling us about her friend, chill man.”

he was being reasonable. unlike you.

you suddenly felt small.

small and petty.

small and petty and angry.

small and petty and angry and-

“but is it true?” andrew’s voice breaks through again and you look up, head a bit foggy with the truck of emotions that crashed your insides.

“yes, she is not single.” you say with a dismissive bow and plop back down on your seat to click through your screen frantically.

you hear andrew hum behind you.

as if he didn’t believe you.

and a new rage brew in you.

but before you embarrass yourself again, his footsteps recede from you and you breathe out.

jennie was single.

you wish she wasn’t. but she was.

and if andrew found out, well he couldn’t do anything but he was your boss.

and this was an office, whether you liked it or not.

-

“and then she started pissing me off, why would i want her boyfriend? has she seen his face?” jennie snickers, sipping her tea beside you and you laugh with her, “god knows she deserves better but all the pretty girls go for the worst guys,” you shake your head with your eyes rolling back and she nods in agreement, sighing out.

the office break room was far removed from the rest of the office, everyone came here for privacy and some came to make calls, some came to make out, some came to exchange numbers, and some came to watch their crush sip tea beside them.

“it’s really sad, why can’t pretty girls be with each other?” she shrugs her shoulders and you feel light-headed at her words.

pretty girls.

with.

each other.

“yeah, why don’t pretty girls date each other?” you ask back and jennie frowns, not understanding your question, “i mean, that would be ideal but most are straight so,” she sighs again as if she wasn’t one of those pretty girls who was straight.

but you weren’t sure about that either.

last she told you, she wasn’t sure either.

you were sure about yourself.

but because she never was sure, you never felt it was right to hurry her or even ask her anything about it.

today could be your lucky day though.

“hey jennie, can i ask you something?” she looked up at you with raised eyebrows, eyes narrowing down at your nervous tone and your mouth suddenly felt as if someone stuffed a roll of cotton into it.

both of you were past the point of asking to ask questions, you were past that point of politeness and formalities which made your question completely out of character for the two of you.

“shoot,” she whispers, deciding to entertain you and you clear your throat, chugging the last of your tea and gripping the cup to give you strength.

but pretty girls just can’t be left alone.

“jennie!” andrew came bursting in the door with his usual charismatic flair and the color in your face drained.

you three should never be in the same place, not after you lied to him and never told jennie that you lied to him.

she turns around with a smile to greet him, one you notice is a bit tight, the professional smile she gives at work, and your chest unclenches. a sigh of relief stays in your throat.

a professional smile.

in a professional setting.

she doesn’t smile at them like she smiles at you, she doesn’t hug them like she hugs you and she doesn’t see them the way she sees you.

right?

but then, you hear her soft laugh.

and your brain burns with green-lit flames.

he was making her laugh.

in the one minute that you looked away, got lost in your thoughts, tried to convince yourself that she would never be with him, the way she is with you, he makes her laugh.

“ah, you’re here too, always by her side” he snickers and jennie nods, she beams at you and you feel the flames cool. you catch the look on his face, the distaste at your presence that never seemed to leave her side, the disgust at your very face but you stared back at him, with just as much distaste, just as much disgust.

then he turns back to jennie with this dazzling smile and your flames return.

“i wanted to show you something, actually” he speaks through his smile to her and completely ignores you.

you’re fine with that.

what you’re not fine with is, when andrew moves closer to her, in the already cramped room and places his phone between them, swipes his fingers in a way that they barely caress the back of her hand and jennie sees the images of his vacation with an interest you never thought she had.

the whole scene kills you.

him, next to her, you felt his warmth through her and you didn’t like it.

her, next to him, laughing and complimenting his pictures because she was nice like that, you felt her warmth too but it was divided, it was between him and you, and not just you. you didn’t like it.

you, next to both of them, gripping your cup so hard that you heard it crack in your hands and your eyes gathered hot tears.

they were the kind of tears that couldn’t come from sadness, they were the kind to only arise from the deepest, darkest depths of your anger, they were the kind to blur your vision so badly that you couldn’t even see your own two feet in front of you.

you waited.

one minute.

two minutes.

three minutes.

you watch the clock as it ticks by and each minute, your tears enter and exit your lash line.

“by the way, how’s your boyfriend, jennie? all well?” his voice breaks your tears and now, your face went down with shame, as if the situation wasn’t upsetting enough already.

jennie tilts her head in confusion, that’s when she catches his pointed gaze towards you.

“i don’t know what you’re talking about,” she smiles unsurely and you see her hands clench and unclench on the sides of her body.

“oh, y/n was just telling us that you weren’t single, so i assumed, i’m deeply sorry if that made you uncomfortable,” he pleads with puppy eyes that make you gag and jennie whips her head to you, the gears in her mind creak loudly.

you only shake your head in defeat.

“oh that,” jennie starts and you hold your breath, you wait for the humiliation to crash and burn into you, “she must’ve been talking about my last date, i forgot to tell her that it went badly, that’s on me,” she laughs breezily, bumping your shoulder and for that minute, you could’ve gone down on your knees and popped out a ring.

“ah, i see,” andrew looks delighted at her answer but he seems to have the shame not to show it too much.

but you can’t stand being around them anymore.

“excuse me,” you mutter and walk out of the room as quickly as your legs can carry you, the last thing you hear before leaving is, “hey, so there’s this event next week,” and you never wanted to hear the rest.

but that day jennie came back home and sat on the edge of your bed, “hey, so there’s this event next week,” and you had to hear the rest of it.

-

“and you’re positive that he said it’s okay for me to come?” you ask for the fifteenth time, “i’m actually going to hit you,” jennie glares at you but then her face melts into the broadest grin which reassures you, she grabs your hands and squeezes, somehow you feel it in your chest “it’s going to be fine, i’m never leaving your side,” and that makes you slip in deeper into the pit you’ve made for her love.

and you were alone in that pit, grabbing at the edges and pulling yourself up, but a flash of andrew’s face, a flash of his heat, has you falling all the way back in its depth.

and it’s cold in the pit, it’s scary in the pit, wondering if she will ever like you or if you will have to feel her warmth forever and never be able to call it your’s.

andrew’s mansion didn’t surprise you, you had heard of how he grew up with a wealthy family, how his family’s connections directly made him your boss even if you and jennie had more experience, he was everything you hated in a man and he was everything jennie tolerated in a man.

which only terrified you.

“now, where is he?” jennie tries to look over the crowd of well-dressed people who were dripping in jewels that blinded you, that only reminded you that jennie liked shiny things and you were as dull as dull could be.

then, you see him, catch his eye over twenty heads and he nods at you with a smirk, you almost vomit on your feet.

you could ignore him, never tell jennie that you found him, and whisk her away, eat the expensive food, drink the expensive drinks, and take her back to the home you made together, where you would lay on her chest and share a cigarette.

so, you turn her away and use her shoulders to guide her towards the other side of the room, away from the boy who tried to follow but failed.

“i think i saw him that way,” you mumble into her ears and her shoulders drop in relaxation under your palms, she lets you pull her away and you think ‘i won, this one time, i won.’

you drink the expensive drinks, several of them actually, some of them only out of spite, and jennie eyes you, completely amused at your determination to bleed him dry (even if the drinks didn’t make the softest dent in his wallet.)

you eat the expensive food, all while complaining about the lightning of the room, the tacky furniture, and the overall disappointing vibe of the people, and again, jennie listens, she smiles and laughs with you.

when you reach the garden beside his mansion, you have no words of hate left in you, you stare ahead at the lush green bushes and flowers that move softly in the night, your hand is clutched in jennie’s and nothing can make the scene better.

“you know, this is the most fun i’ve had all day,” you whisper with your head on her shoulders and back pressed against the side of andrew’s home and you feel safe, you feel calm, you feel loved.

“me too, but it would’ve been fun going to some club together too.”

together.

you wanted to tell her that the ‘together’ you were right now, wasn’t enough and the ‘together’ you wanted, was…well, maybe something she would never want.

“jennie,” you breathed out, not knowing what you would say next, if the words you wanted would ever come out, but then she looks at you, her head tilts, her hair falls in her eyes and she stares at you with earnest, with the kind of love that you would move mountains for.

every movement of her body that faced you, a face that breathed out air that you took in, hair that flowed with the wind, fingers that brushed the side of your body, toes that dug into her heels, all of it dug itself under your skin.

“yeah?” she hums, waiting for you, always so patient, always so sweet, always so close but so, so far.

and you almost say it, always let your words leave you and go to her, where they belonged.

“jennie!”

and your words crawl back to you.

the pit reopens under your feet as andrew’s shape breaks the night, he breaks the circle of calm that you and jennie floated in, and suddenly, its straight backs and fake cheery greetings.

but then.

he steps forward.

his arms go up.

she steps forward.

her arms go up.

and she is in his arms.

he is in hers.

he steals your warmth in a second.

he doesn’t even look at you.

and your fists curl so hard that your nails break the soft skin of your palm.

for anyone else, it’s just a hug, a friendly hug.

to you, it’s the end of the world.

they pull back with smiles.

if maybe you weren’t so livid about the hug, you would notice her smile, her professional smile.

but you were.

you were so livid that you could throw andrew into a thorny bush and never regret a thing, you were so livid that the open wound on your palm was the last thing on your mind, you were so livid that you could-

“..great party, we’re having so much fun, you organized it well,” jennie speaks and andrew laughs, waving his hand, “oh this is nothing, i’m glad you’re having a good time, did you find the address alright?” his hand returns to her shoulder and you watch as his fingers brush the skin beside the fabric of her top.

“yes, your message helped a lot,” she nods and smiles, and his hand falls from her shoulder. but the skin he touched, stares back at you, mocks you, laughs at you.

and tears gather in your eyes again.

they were texting.

were they flirting on text?

did he ask her how her day was?

did he ask her if she ate?

did he tell her a flower that he saw on his way to work, reminded him of her?

did she tell her day was good, it was better when she would see him?

did she say she ate well, did he?

did she giggle at her phone and send him a heart when she talked to him?

falling off a mountain would be easier to get up from.

getting run over on a highway would be softer than this.

death would be kinder than this for you.

then, she laughs at something he says.

and your fists curl again, more blood smears on your palms and your tears blur your vision.

the whole scene kills you.

you feel your body shutting down as their voices swim around you, as their laughs dig into your spine and drop you to your knees, as their combined warmth knocks you off your feet.

“let me show you this painting i have inside,” andrew says and you panic.

if they go inside together, that was it for you, that was all the confirmation you needed to know that whatever hope you held for you and jennie, you could burn it to the ground and sing it goodbye.

it was now or never.

you either tell jennie now or stay silent forever, bury your love so deep into your pit that no one could unearth it.

“i would love that,” jennie cheers and you watch her take his hand, you watch as she eyes him, but you still don’t notice her tight smile.

then, you see her hand dangle in the back, reaching for something…and you are the only one behind her.

it was now or never.

it was now or never.

it was now or never.

it was now or never.

it was now or neve-

it was not something you thought you could do.

up until the minute your skin touched hers, you thought you never should.

but your hand grabbing her elbow, and gently pulling her back, makes you question everything you were ever capable of.

maybe you could always do this, but you just never did.

when jennie turns back, you take a deep breath and only shake your head.

you stare right at her as your head moves and she stares, for a second, a minute, an hour, no one knows.

but her eyes widen and her hand drops from andrew’s.

“i think i’ll be there in a minute,” she smiles at him and this time, you see the tightness in her smile.

he stares at you, sneers at you, and whips his head back to enter his home.

maybe you will be out of a job tomorrow.

but that didn’t matter.

jennie stepped closer to you, a bit unsure and hesitant, and all the courage you had drained out of you.

“what was that?” she asks, and you know what she’s talking about but your words are too scared now, they don’t want to come out and you’re their slave.

“i’m talking to you,” she says again, her voice wavering.

she waits.

but she isn’t patient anymore.

she sees your head facing the ground, your hair falling around your face and she wants to shake you to get an answer, she wants to hug you and she wants to yell at you.

“i-“

“i hate everything,” comes out from you, and jennie quiets, the night quiets too, the leaves stop rustling, the trees stop moving and the flowers turn up to listen to you.

more important than all of them, jennie listens to you.

“i hate everything when i’m not with you,” you sniffle, your tears running their track across your face and collecting under your chin, “i hate everyone when they’re with you, i hate every inch of their skin that touches you, i hate every word they say that you listen to, i hate every joke they make that you laugh at,” you wipe your face furiously, remembering every person who you hated and feeling pathetic for hating them.

“and i don’t know what to do, i don’t want to hate them because they’re not bad people, but when someone else is beside you, i feel lost, as if the place that was mine in this world, is stolen” your heart burns as you speak senselessly, your own words sound ridiculous to you but when you look up and see tears at the edge of jennie’s pretty eyes, you keep going.

“i don’t want you to be with someone else, i don’t want you to laugh with them, i don’t want them to be what i am to you,” you suck in a breath and laugh bitterly, “i want all of that with you, i don’t want to be your friend, i hate being your friend, i always have wanted to be something more, i always want to have everything with you.”

a pause.

a look at her.

the relief of her attention.

“sometimes, when we lay in bed, i want to ask you if your chest is tight too, if you feel me on the tip of your cigarette, if you ever want to kiss me but i can’t. still, i’m asking now, p-please let me be everything to you too,” and then you see her, really see her, not her pretty eyes and her soft hair, you see just a girl, holding back tears with a trembling jaw and shaking hands.

“tell me you want it too jennie, please,” you feel no shame when you beg her, you only feel the weight crushing your chest lift from you and go to her.

you just have to wait to see if she carries it or not.

for a few seconds, the world moves around you but you feel suspended, out of motion, out of energy to move or breathe or feel, you feel like ash flying away with the air.

but then, she steps forward.

eyes still so full of tears.

you want to wipe it away.

you want to cry it all instead.

but then.

but then.

she takes your weight, she makes it hers.

her arms loop around your neck and they tug your head down, you smile at how much you have to reach down to face her but that smile wipes away when her lips brush against yours.

slowly.

with a hint of hesitation.

but you pull her closer.

and for the next few minutes, you kiss her as if searching for stars in her mouth, right outside of andrew’s home and you smile again.

-

on the way home, you are surrounded, by her scent, her touch, and your most favourite, her warmth.

and now, her warmth, was all yours.

you lean on each other as you wait for the bus, then you watch as your bus passes you.

and then.

and then.

you just cuddle into each other even more, and you smile, as if you weren’t capable of doing anything else with your face.

when you reach home, it’s pitch black but you see her, she sees you and your cigarette lights up to guide the both of you back to where you belong, on your bed, with your head on her stomach and her fingers in your hair and the hand that she bandaged, plays with her fingers.

and as jennie passes her cigarette to you, you know she feels it this time, you on the wilting paper of it and you feel her, as you always have.

the feeling of belonging to someone and having them belong to you, eclipses everything else in your life and you feel it especially when she props up on her elbows and whispers,

“i would be happy to die, if it was with you too,” and when you say, “you’re feeling romantic tonight,” she smiles and falls back on the bed.