.kel.

-

trips with family friends were always a bit awkward.

you know the parents, but not really.

you know the kids, but not really.

but your parents have a blast together so, the kids bear the consequence of that.

unfortunately for you, your dad just had to be yoongi's dad's closest friend, unfortunately, they just had to be practically work wives too and unfortunately, yoongi just had to be your high school ex's best friend.

and it was already the day of the trip.

the big trip.

everything in your family was going to change in a month, you were probably going to move away, your sister was going to get married, your parents were going to be empty nesters.

but worst of all, because of your dad's robust social life, you were here staring at yoongi, who just like you, looked like he wanted to be anywhere else.

"let's go!" his sister cheered, dancing to the gate, she grabbed your hand and pulled you along with her.

but even while talking to your sister, even with a bus full of people talking over each other, his voice reached you, his loud, excited, teasing voice that seemed to make everyone around him laugh.

seeing his face, talking to him, all of it was on the bottom of your to-do list.

but you were aware, that he was around, and that he knew of his friend's first love, that he was looking at her, and you knew that he knew things that not even your sister knew.

you just wished he would keep his mouth shut.

-

yoongi was a nobody, just another annoying presence that reminded you of your past, you were quick to dismiss him as such.

then, it rained.

then, you ended up in a market on the first day because everything else you had planned, had to be cancelled.

and then, you had yoongi, his eyes on your back as you walked through the market.

you pause at a store, eyes dazzled by the one silly thing you've always loved.

labubus, or their cousins, the baby series dolls.

and you pick it up, your hands running gently over the fur of it and asking how much it costs.

it was entirely too much.

but suddenly, yoongi was beside you, casually conversing with the seller and you're frowning at the exchange.

you hadn't noticed him walking up.

the seller doesn't budge and you shrug, "it's okay, i didn't need it that badly," you speak your first, full sentence to yoongi, already walking away, not waiting for him to join or leave.

but yoongi stays back, long after you're gone.

when you leave the market, he's standing there, your doll in hand, with a small smile, "i finally got her to bend, here you go," and shoves it into your hands.

"thank me later," yoongi smiles and this time, he's walking away and your eyes stay on his retreating figure.

"oh, he got it for you?" your mother picks the doll from your hands, and laughs at it, you had almost forgotten that she and everyone else was there too, and you hesitantly laugh with her, "yeah, he got it"

and the disbelief at his actions sits heavily in your mind, even if it was simple, even if it was almost nothing but to you, it meant more than you liked it to.

you expected him to ignore you as you planned to ignore him.

because he wasn't a friend, he wasn't a anything to you, he didn't have to do any of that but he did it so naturally, the buying, the handing over, the smiling, that you're left both wary and curious.

-

yoongi's dad was a stubborn man.

but he had a soft corner for you.

he shook his head repeatedly as yoongi begged him to eat something for dinner, something about his sugar levels, something about him not wanting to bother others because everyone already stopped for food earlier.

and you watched from the sidelines as he grew increasingly frustrated at his dad, who only didn't want to inconvenience others but wouldn't admit that either, he was just plainly arguing that he wasn't hungry.

"fuck!" yoongi exclaimed, stepping away from his dad and walking away from where he sat.

and you liked his dad, his dad was good to you, he took care of you, he sent your favorite sweets home when you came back from college, he regularly was there for your dad too.

which is why, you're stepping closer and taking a seat next to him, "i'm hungry, uncle," you pout lightly, as a kid would to their dad, and he chuckles, "really?"

you nod fiercely, "of course, we ate hours ago, and i want to eat there," you point to the restaurant yoongi was trying to push him to, "should we?"

you hold out your hand and whether he knew you heard everything, or you didn't, he gives you a side-glance before finally breaking into a smile and walking with you.

"rascal, come on," he calls out to yoongi on his way and you laugh with his dad as he confusedly tilts his head at you both.

after dinner, you're standing outside the restaurant, waiting for the bus back to your hotel and yoongi comes to stand beside you, hands shoved awkwardly into his pants, "thank you," he whispers, not even looking at you and walks away.

-

yoongi might've gotten you a doll but he was still your ex's friend and you didn't want anything to do with him, nor speak to him again.

but your sister becoming friends with him, posed a small problem to your resolution.

him entering your hotel room with soju and cigarettes, also posed a small problem.

but the bigger problem was him watching you through the thin glass separating the balcony he stood at and the room you stayed in, talking on the phone with your friend.

every other minute, you would look up to see if he was looking, and each time, he wouldn't look away, but you would. your sister was talking to him, he was nodding, he was talking but his eyes and body were all angled towards you.

"she told me you liked soju and that you don't smoke," yoongi informs you as he enters from the balcony, and you nod, "i do like soju, especially this one, and yes, i don't," you hold up the peach flavored bottle.

he brings forward his glass, "want to pour me some?" and you do so, wishing for your sister to enter soon because you felt it, your body relax as he continued to speak, a growing comfort in his voice as it danced in your air and you needed someone to break it.

before you knew it, you were one bottle down and a little too happy, a little too willing to hear his stories, a little too dizzy to question when you ended up next to him on the sofa.

"and i never got to tell him," you pouted, recounting the story of your first crush, and how he moved away, and how he was your prince in a school play and how you were oh, so smitten by his easy smile and kind eyes.

yoongi nodded with pursed lips, indulging you and pouring you another glass.

"i wish i could say my first crush story was so rosy," he laughs, and it sounds bitter, you tilt your head at him, "why, what happened?"

"some stories are just better untold, believe me, i don't want to ruin the mood now, you tell me, who else has dazzled you?"

"not your friend," you say out loud, maybe both meaning to and not meaning to, and you expect him to take offense, defend his honor, but he throws his head back and laughs until his eyes crinkle.

"you know, he still talks about you," yoongi tells, sipping on his drink after recovering and you gulp, "he's irrelevant to me," and he laughs again, "he should be, i mean what you guys had, was childish, you were kids, it wasn't anything serious and he's not as good as you."

you didn't know what to say to that.

it wasn't anything big, truly, whatever passed between you and his friend.

but he and you both knew it wasn't nothing either.

"he was still my first boyfriend," you shrugged, and yoongi grew quiet for a second, "you were his first love, you know that."

you had always felt guilty that your first boyfriend didn't mean as much to you, as you did to him.

"i do."

everything stills.

you grow mute.

he shifts uncomfortably.

the simple acknowledgment of what was already fact to you both, had you looking away from each other.

and you're not so happy or willing or dizzy anymore, you want to sleep and pretend yoongi wasn't sitting across to you minutes ago.

so, you do just that, you wait for your sister to come and then, you're getting up, running away.

"i'm gonna head to bed," you mumble, and he nods, "good night," and you struggle to not feel his gaze on you even if blankets hide you away.

-

"i think that boy likes you," your sister huffs out in a chuckle, eyes widened as she puts on mascara.

"what?" you pause from straightening your hair, turning to her too quickly, and she shrugs, as if she didn't just say something damning, "yesterday, i was talking to him but i might as well have talked to a wall, it was the body language, his entire body was turned towards you even if he was responding to me."

you hold back the shiver threatening to crawl on your skin.

"that's impossible, you know about me and his friend," you awkwardly laugh and turn away from her, continuing to do your hair, "i do know that but i also know what i saw last night."

"whatever, it doesn't matter to me, he can like me if he wants but i will never put myself in that situation, too messy," you shudder as if it disgusts you and it does, but even saying it out loud, you can't believe yourself.

later, you see him at breakfast and you let yourself look, for just two seconds more than you usually would and decide that yes, he can like you but it would take a heck of a lot for you to like him back.

-

"why are you not taking any photos?" from the beginning of the trip, yoongi took pictures for others but stayed out of the frame otherwise and you didn't stop your curiosity this time.

you were on a gorgeous mountain and you had taken some five thousand pictures, you were yet to see him even take one.

he pauses, frowns at you, before letting out a chuckle, "i actually don't know."

"stand there, i'll take it," you lift your camera and guide him to where the view was prettiest, and you almost laugh at his stiff smile.

"yoongi, i'm not going to push you off, please smile," and his head dips, an embarrassed smile taking over his face, and you wait patiently for him to look up.

then, his mom walks by and he immediately pulls her close, finally smiling with his full teeth, gesturing for you to take the picture and behind the camera, your smile is just as big.

-

the cable car was big, very big but yoongi was beside you, his warmth suddenly something that you felt, and his face just a little too close.

but you stare at the pamphlet in your hand instead, absentmindedly flipping through it and pointing out the one ride you had seen everywhere on social media, "this looks fun," you mumble to no one in particular.

"what?" yoongi's voice is another murmur in the noise around you.

"this ride, i've seen it everywhere, apparently it's a must-experience kind of thing," you shrug, putting the pamphlet down and rejoining the conversation with everyone else.

your mom is raising her camera to take photos and videos of the view as parents do, and you're telling her to put it away for a second, chastising her and yoongi is laughing beside you.

"aunty, take one of us," he requests, announces, in front of everyone and her camera's on you both, yoongi shifts closer and smiles, you don't realize you did too until you see the picture later.

-

you turned a pink lucky cat figurine in your hand, admiring the light passing through its glass and knowing that your best friend back home would love it.

the seller watched you with hawk eyes, waiting for you to crack, only to walk up to you, and start showing you everything else she had, which overwhelmed you.

then, she starts saying, "your face," she draws a round in the air, "A+, your eyes too," she made a kiss with her fingers closed, "too pretty."

"she is, isn't she?" yoongi's voice both surprised you and didn't surprise you at all, and she's nodding, smiling with him and you're shrinking into the background, because he couldn't possibly have said what he did.

you swallowed everything that sentence made you feel.

"she must really want me to buy this," you laugh, brushing it off and yoongi plucks the figurine from your hand, "we'll take this."

she's more than happy to pack it up.

and you, well, you want to run away.

-

lunch was late.

you were tired and you kind of just wanted to leave everything, and go back to your hotel room.

as you poked around your food, yoongi took the seat in front of you, "guess what?" his eyebrows dance, his face barely holding back excitement and you feel your lips curving at the sight.

it was nice to see him excited.

it was nice to see him.

"what, yoongi?" you mused.

"i got the tickets," he flashed his phone to you, unsteadily showing you a chat and you realize it's between him and the tour guide.

"i asked him about the ride you wanted to go to, it's only ten minutes away from here, we can get there on time as soon as we finish lunch," he's rambling, taking back his phone and you're trying to hide the way your breath hitches.

even you hadn't bothered to check on where or what the ride was, after how exhausting the day has been and here he is, excited about something you mentioned in passing.

"we'll go?" you break out of the silent fight in your mind and see his expectant eyes, waiting for you.

no one's ever waited for you.

no one's ever cared about what you liked or what you wanted to do.

and even if you know it can't be the brightest decision you've made, you nod.

-

the ride was fun, yoongi got an extra photo of you on the ride and you refused to acknowledge that as something that happened.

but on the bus back to the hotel, the day hit like a train collision.

you curled up in your seat, hiding away your face, and slipped in and out of sleep.

then, you felt it.

cold air hitting your back.

the sound of a vietnamese fan flapping in the air.

in a otherwise, very stuffy, very warm bus.

and only one person on the bus had a handheld fan.

yoongi's mom.

"you're going to wake her up," you hear yoongi's mom chastising him but also sounding amused, you only hear his laugh back at her.

and you fell asleep without waiting for the rest of what would happened, but you continued to enjoy the cool air of his attention.

-

that night was interesting.

weird, even.

he didn't look around as he entered your hotel room anymore, just gladly made himself comfortable on the floor and kept an empty space next to him, which you didn't think twice before taking.

another friend joined.

she was sweet but irrelevant, you spent a good part of the trip beside her but ultimately found that she was too different to you.

she and yoongi, well, they hated each other from the moment they looked at each other.

every time she'd say something weird, your eyes would meet yoongi's and you would burst into laughter, and that happened often, her loud complaining got lost in the sound of your unexpected happiness.

each time you would catch a breath, you would look at him and your body would dissolve into amusement.

and you couldn't understand why you were so happy, just that you were, and seeing yoongi happy too, softened your resolution that much more.

yoongi wasn't a ex's friend anymore.

he was yoongi, now.

and that, as it turns out, posed a much bigger problem to you later.

-

"pick three for me," yoongi nods towards the lighters laid across the table and you hesitate, stepping back, "which type do you like?"

the market was so full that you still were much too close to his body, much too close to his face.

but truthfully, there was space, beside him and beside you, you two just didn't take it up, instead you stepped closer.

and when you look at him, his lips are curved into a smirk, his eyes scanning your face, "doesn't matter, pick the ones you like," and you're gulping.

"what if you don't like them?"

"i will, now stop thinking so much and pick them," he groans, teasing, exasperated and you're surrendering, hands in the air, you start looking for lighters that you think he might like.

"you know, your eyes are so loud," he speaks from behind you and your hands stutter on the cold metal.

"whatever you don't say, your eyes give them away," and then, he shrugs and starts looking at the lighters with you, "especially when you don't like something," yoongi nudges your shoulder and your eyes narrow into slits.

"oh come on, you don't hate me that much," he laughs, gathering the lighters you selected and buying them immediately.

"but you did at the start, didn't you?"

"yeah, i did."

you didn't need to say that that wasn't the case anymore.

but he hears it, sees it clearly in your eyes, that it wasn't the same now.

"good." he's smiling like he's won the world and you feel like yours has just slipped from under your feet.

-

watching someone with tender eyes was tough, you didn't know if he saw them as clearly as you felt them, even if he said he did, did he know that you'd never let your gaze soften for anyone?

but looking at the back of his head as he held onto the railing of the bus, you let them become cotton balls.

you stood behind, mere inches separated you and one jolt would have you on him.

which wouldn't have been the worst thing to happen.

then the jolt came.

and it wasn't you falling on him, it was him almost falling forward and your hands rushing to grip him but he steadied himself and your hands hovered.

maybe yoongi didn't see your cotton eyes, but he definitely saw the hands that almost touched him.

your hands rushed back to the side of your body, embarrassment coiling on your back and he smirked, enjoying your eyes darting away from him.

"what, you'll catch me?" you hated how amused his voice sounded, how sure, as if he could pick apart everything you were trying to hide.

you don't respond, just huff and roll your eyes.

then, the bus jolts again and your poor hands pick up again, the stupid instinct to hold him, save him, touch him, still powering through the embarrassment.

and he notices.

of course, he notices.

he only watches as your hands retreat again.

and you watch in real time as his own eyes soften.

you also only watch when his hands reach up, and your face falls, confused as where they could go because you were steady, you didn't need saving.

but then they almost reach for your hair and you hold your breath.

then his eyes harden, it happens so quickly, you almost don't notice until he's turning away and getting off the bus.

and you're left, hair untouched but entirely too bothered.

-

the cruise was supposed to be the highlight of the trip.

in five hours, you were supposed to see gorgeous lagoons, sail through them, enjoy the food and views.

but, you were late and the cruise had already set sail.

maybe your disappointment was too loud on your face because soon, yoongi made it his mission to get to the cruise.

everyone had silently accepted that there was going to be no cruise except yoongi, who was talking to every person he saw, trying to get you guys on the cruise.

and soon, he's on a boat that would take you to the cruise, extending his hand out to you, the sunlight shut his eyes in half, but his pride in accomplishing the thought-to-be impossible, shined brighter.

you tried not to grip his hand too tight, tried to not look at your joined hands for too long but that simple touch left you restless.

"you're going to smile now?" he whispers with a barely held back smile of his own, once your hand is in his, and the excuse to be this close in front of everyone is valid, and you try not to beam when you whisper back, "thank you."

-

you've dealt with your fair share of shitty men.

men who touched you without knowing you, asking you.

men who stood too close.

men who were worse from afar.

and even a million miles from home, right next to your family, one of them stared you down, while surrounded with his own family.

you glare back, standing your ground, and instead of getting uncomfortable and looking away, he makes an obscene air-kiss in your direction.

and you're usually so strong, so quick to fight, so quick to give back but you crumble instead.

you look away.

you swallow the growing pain in your throat.

you ignore the tightness of your chest.

you simply look everywhere but at him.

and you find yourself walking over to where yoongi is sitting.

you plop down, not looking at him, not saying anything but just trying to find some strength in his presence.

"you okay?" his voice comes as if through a tunnel.

you nod, without meeting his eyes.

you feel him stare at the side of your face for a few more minutes, before rejoining the loud and happy conversation around you.

and you grow angry, you grow sad, you grow furious but you also want to just drop, curl and cry your heart.

angry because you shouldn't be looking away, you should be fighting.

sad because you have to go through this even when you're with people you love, people who would protect you at the drop of a hat.

furious because this shouldn't happening to anyone at all.

the ship stutters to a halt at a view point, some caves and whatnot but you don't budge.

"hey, we're getting off here," your sister nudges you and something about her voice fills your eyes with tears.

you feel her hands soften on your shoulder, "look at me, what happened?"

and when you look up, you feel pathetic, you feel disgusted, you feel your stomach turn as you tell her in a whisper.

"don't tell mom and dad," you beg, and she purses her lips.

"not tell them what?" hearing yoongi's voice has you bracing yourself for more questions.

"what? hey, what's happening here?" he's stepping in front of your sister, eyebrows creasing and your jaw starts shaking, barely keeping it together, something about seeing him made you want to cry even more.

as your sister fills him in, you grow anxious because you don't need him to do anything for you, you don't need him to be a hero , you don't want to hate him if he does insist on being one.

you watch his face flash from confusion, to anger, to grim and then just, stoic.

he turns towards you, holding his hand out.

"come with me, we'll figure this out together later," and when you shake your head, he doesn't flinch, "do you need a minute here by yourself?" and the choice of it, which has usually never been given to you, fills you with relief.

"whatever you want, we'll do later, okay?" and you're nodding, he hesitates for a second before patting your head gently and walking off the ship.

-

by the time everyone gets back, you're done yelling at the guy in front of the entire ship, you're done telling him to have some shame, have some decorum, have some respect for his own family around him, to never mess with you or any woman again, because you will find him and rip his eyes out.

because you've never been one to sit back and take shit from people, especially not men.

when yoongi, and your sister, and everyone starts trickling back to the ship, you're done being sad.

yoongi's parents were the only ones to witness it, and they narrate it to the group as you sit, distracted and knees bouncing with residual anger.

"excuse me," you get up, needing to be alone, needing to let go of that anger, and you head straight to the flybridge.

you stare off into the slowly setting sun, urging your shoulders to relax, telling your body it's safe but it stays tight with tension.

"mind if i join?"

and you know who it is, because your body releases itself and softens at its edges, and because even when you're running away, yoongi finds you.

-

there's a few more stops and, everyone gets on and off the ship.

but on top of that ship, you and yoongi stay stagnant, in the oranges of the sun, in the disappearing blues of the sky and in this bubble that no one else could enter.

everything shifts and moves, but not his eyes on you, not your hands itching to touch him, not his patience as you vent out to him.

"it's just, i know i almost cried, but then-"

"why should you?"

"exactly! it's not my fault, why should i?"

"it is definitely not your fault and you know," and he's shifting closer, your breath is getting shorter, "it's rare, to stand up for yourself, i have a sister, i know how hard it is for her and any woman, to look someone in the eye and tell them how they've wronged you and you did exactly that, that's really something."

yoongi's words land in that one tender part of your heart that very few get close to.

"i can't stand being weak," you mutter, and he laughs, "of course, you don't but next time, you don't have to be strong all by yourself."

you nod, you wouldn't take anyone's help but yoongi's, maybe you would consider from now on.

"you know, i never thought we would ever be here," he gestures to the inches of space between you and your heart races with more hope than it should, "what do you mean?"

"i mean, when we first met at the airport, you greeted everyone, you looked them all in the eye and smiled at them, and just walked past me," you stifle a laugh at the disbelief in his voice.

"wow, okay, this is funny to you, i see," he sniffs dramatically but soon, joins in on your laughter.

"i didn't like you then," you admit, not wanting to say what you felt now.

"and now?" but of course, yoongi would ask you.

"and now," you muse, dragging your words and he mock glares at you, "you're not too bad," you shrug, finally admitting what he already knew and your muscles pull to smile at his dropped jaw.

"not too bad? after all we've been through, not too bad?" he's clutching his heart and you're giggling into your hands, yoongi is shaking his head but dropping his head in laughter.

"at least, you're smiling at me," he notes and you feel light, so light, so free, "i know, you should be grateful," you hum and he's shaking his head again, laughing.

till the ship reaches the dock, you're holding back smiles at each other, you're looking and looking away, you're speaking and listening, and by the time you get off, you know his dreams and he knows half your heart.

you don't remember when it became natural to sit across yoongi and tell him every thought running in your mind.

but you wanted him in it, you wanted him to know every crack and crevice that made you, you.

even if it felt wrong, even if you felt like running away, you dug your heels in, forced yourself to look him in the eye and you stayed.

because he wasn't looking anywhere else, and from now on, you knew you wouldn't either.

-

it was the last night of the trip.

and all the kids were planning to sneak out to somewhere.

"what are you wearing?" yoongi bursts into laughter the second you open the door and you stare in horror, "why are you...all dressed up?"

he was wearing a turtleneck, smart boots and he looked sharp, you noted with a gulp that he looked good.

and you, well, you were, "why are you wearing pajamas?" yoongi points at your beige loose pants, top and robe on top.

you look back to see your traitorous sister, who was wearing pajamas until ten minutes ago, changed into a cute outfit too.

clearly, you weren't given the memo.

but, "i don't have the energy to change, why are you both so ready?" you whined loudly, hating the idea of having to wear anything else and he's entering the room, ruffling your hair on his way in, and announces, "you look cute, don't worry."

and you glare at him.

"fine, you look like a little duck, which is still fine, don't change if you don't want to," he pulls you in with him by holding onto the end of your sleeve and you follow, mumbling complaints that he only laughs at.

you sit beside him and your sister as they look up places to go to.

"i think i have a fever," you announce and your sister rolls her eyes at you, "i already told you, that you don't."

"then, why do i feel like i do?" you point to your achy legs and arms, and yoongi is laughing at your misery.

your sister starts arguing with you, starts calling you dramatic and you're arguing back.

"wait, wait," yoongi puts his arms out between you both and then, you watch, dazed as the warmth of his palm presses onto your forehead.

then, his head drops dramatically, "i hate to break it to you cutie, but you don't have a fever."

then you're arguing with him.

ignoring the endearment in his voice.

and he's laughing at your scrunched up face and annoyed mumbling.

and if you didn't have a fever before, you could only think of one other thing to explain the warmth in your body.

-

turns out, everyone had actually planned to go to a club but all the clubs were closed, and everyone was frustrated, going round and round in the taxi that was sure to kick you out soon.

through the chaos, yoongi tries to communicate with the driver through translator apps, tries to calm everyone, tries to find places to go to and also figure out food for the parents.

and for the first time, throughout the trip, he loses it.

"if you know it so well, just do it yourself," he yells from the front seat to his sister in the middle seat and your eyebrows go up.

you had never heard him angry.

but you couldn't blame him, he was taking on everyone's load.

before you know it, yoongi and his sister are arguing, and everyone else is in their own kind of noise.

when they're done arguing, he's huffing and looking away from everyone, she's still yelling at him and you're afraid to call out to him, you don't know if you've earned grace from his anger because you were still barely anything to him.

"...yoongi?" you still brave it because really, what was the worst that could happen?

he would yell or snap at you too or maybe roll his eyes and not respond at a-

"yeah, tell me," he's turning in his seat to see you and his voice is...soft, removed from all irritation and you feel bashful with all his attention on you.

he was tired.

he needed a break from all this.

"let's go to our rooms, yeah? we can stop at some market to get snacks and drinks, and we can hang out in a room, let's not force the plan if it's not happening," you explain, looking around to see if everyone else in on board.

and then at yoongi, to see if he actually wanted the break or you were reading too much into him.

"god, yes, please let's do that," yoongi sighs out, already turning to the driver to request him to take you back to the hotel and everyone goes along with it.

as yoongi settles back into his seat, he looks at you one last time, eyes tender and rounded and you stay looking at the back of his head, trying not to remember how soft he sounded when he called out to you.

-

at the tiny convenience store beside your hotel, everyone splits into group to grab what they like, and you end up with yoongi.

you browse through the candies, drinks and chips, as he patiently follows you but he was quiet, his mood clearly still down from the failed outing and you're trying to search for anything that might lift his spirits.

"you like this?" you point to a strawberry drink and he shrugs, and you purse your lips, not knowing how to make him feel better, but also not wanting to push him too much.

"what about this?" you hold up a beer can, and he tilts his head, "don't you hate beer?"

and you're blinking, "yeah, how do you know that?"

"you made a face at it when i brought it the first day we hung out," he says it, and then walks ahead, as if it was so casual to remember one micro-expression from many days ago.

"but you like it." you yell after him, he shrugs but then he's calling out to you, ushering you over and you're walking towards his voice, "take whatever you like, i'll drink that."

"are you sure? i like my drinks very sweet," you hold up a finger as a warning and he's chuckling, shoulders rounding and wraps his hand around your finger, "i'm very sure, now take what you want and meet me at the register."

if yoongi saw short your breath went, he didn't comment on it, if he saw how you almost melted into the floor, he didn't say it out loud but watching his retreating figure, you knew this night was long from over.

-

in his sister's room, he lets his finger linger on yours for just a second longer as he distributes cards to everyone, he pours you your drink, and checks on you for refills, he passes you a plate of food, but he was quiet, still in a way you weren't used to.

you try to meet his eyes, but they're down, and he's sitting several feet away from you.

it leaves you feeling a bit bruised, a bit sensitive and irritated for being so in tune with his body.

by the time the night wraps up, it's only you, him and your sister heading down to the hotel's entrance for a smoke break.

you sit next to your sister on the bench, and distract yourself with your phone as they talk with each other.

"even she likes it," you hear your sister say, "what does she like?" yoongi asks, without skipping a beat and at your mention, you look up, and yoongi asks again, "what do you like?"

you don't know what it is about his voice.

or his fingers letting his cigarette hang weakly from their edges.

or his lips that wrapped around it and sucked a breath in.

or the faint traces of smoke crawling in front of his face.

or the red light from a nearby building falling just right on him, shadowing and angling his features to make every shift on his face, sharper and bolder.

or his eyebrows just slightly going up, as if challenging you to stop looking, to look anywhere else.

suddenly, every shadow on yoongi's face was haunting your every nerve and you're left speechless.

and too aware.

just too aware of the way he sits so relaxed, how his eyebrows stay up as he waits for you to answer, just too aware of how his sweater fits him, and too aware of how his eyes that were looking away before, were now burning holes into you.

you clear your throat, fighting the urge to ignore your sister and climb onto yoongi's lap and have your way with him, fighting the disgusting animal urge to kiss him till you were breathless and sure that he would be too.

you don't remember the last time a man left you this dry-mouthed, you don't remember the last time a man made you feel anything, because whatever you felt now, paled everything else.

yoongi had all your attention by sitting and smoking a cigarette, a habit you used to find disgusting but now, you could sit and watch him do it for hours.

now, you could just sit and watch him.

doing nothing.

doing anything.

existing.

breathing.

living.

as long as your eyes could see him, you wanted to keep him in them forever.

and that's how you know.

you know that there was no going back.

you were well and truly fucked.

so, you gulp and ask, "what was the question again?"

-

in the elevator back to your rooms, your sister hisses right as she steps off at your floor, "shit, yoongi has my charger, and my phone's dying."

you watch the elevator floor go up and up.

"i'll go." you say, without thinking.

"are you sure? i know you're tired too-"

"yeah, i'm sure, i'll go," you're already walking away from her and stepping into the elevator.

you push the button to his floor, hands calmly folded in front of your body, trying desperately to hide the million doubts running through your mind.

this wasn't like you.

this wasn't you.

you never tried to find excuses to spend just one more second with another person.

but here you were, in front of yoongi's door, hands hovering over the bell and anticipating the next two minutes you could have with him.

running away was safe.

running away meant you would never have to admit how you feel about yoongi.

but running away also meant that the time you wanted with him, would disappear into thin air.

you hear the buzz, you don't feel your fingers pressing the button, you hear his footsteps but you don't feel them under your feet, you hear and see everything but your body drifts in and out of itself.

"oh." but yoongi opens the door and every sense you tried to bury, explodes in your brain.

he was changed into a t-shirt and pajama pants, which hung loosely on his frame, and he tilted his head at you, waiting, just always waiting for you to break.

you clear your throat which felt drier than ever, and beg your eyes to not give away the actual reason you were here, "she left her charger here, she needed it for the night."

"of course," yoongi indulges you and leaves the door wide open as he goes inside, looking back only once to see if you were following and you do, you step in, you close the door and stay close to it.

"i would have come and given it to you guys if you left a message," yoongi says from the other side of the room and laughs when he sees how far away you stood, "i don't bite, you know, you can come in, it'll probably take me a minute to find it."

you walk cautiously into his space.

the half-opened suitcases.

the clothes folded away.

various trinkets and souvenirs scattered on the floor.

the charger right there, but his hands wandering far from it, still searching in a place where he knew it wouldn't be, just to allow you this minute.

the lighters you chose for him, tucked away in a neat corner of his bag.

he was always in your space but being in his, felt a bit more surreal, as if you were intruding on him.

"sorry, it's a bit messy, do you want coffee or tea?" he asks, finally walking over with the charger, and you shake your head, "it's two a.m, yoongi, no one drinks coffee or tea at this time."

yoongi laughs and looks at you expectantly, "but we could, you know?"

"another time." and he accepts it.

you were going to fry all your nerves if you stayed alone with him for one more second.

he folds the charger into your waiting hands, taking his time to bundle it up, letting his fingers trace your palms several times and finally, he lets go.

"thank you," you whisper, retreating out of the room and at the door, he leans on the frame, watching you go and you don't hear his door click shut until you're in the elevator.

-

the countdown had begun.

there was only seven hours left before you had to be at the airport and go back.

and normally, you would be thrilled, you loved home.

but instead, you hung behind your mother, who was excitedly buying souvenirs for everyone at home, and missed yoongi's presence.

he hadn't come out for the last-minute shopping and you simply could never say no to shopping.

but you missed him in every store, every comment he would pass as you walked by something, echoed louder in your mind, than your own sense and logic.

the shopping was a bust.

you didn't find anything and you were frustrated, a bit too tired after the very long trip and you're at the brink of tears as you follow your parents quietly, still allowing them to finish their shopping.

then, your dad's phone rings, "here, it's yoongi," he passes the phone to you and walks away, not knowing the lifeline he pressed into your hands.

"hello?" you hear your voice sound much brighter than you felt.

"oh, it's you," he muses, casual but he sounded pleased, and you turn away from your parents, a giddy smile taking over your face, "yeah, my dad's busy shopping," and he hums, "where are you guys? maybe i can join still," he sounds distracted, he yells out to someone in the background if they wanted to go too.

"don't come," you immediately say and there's a beat of silence, "do you not want me there-"

"no, no yoongi, gosh no, there's just nothing here, we're going to be heading back in a bit too," you rush to explain, you didn't want him to waste his time.

"are you sure?"

"positive, meet you at lunch?"

"of course, see you," you hear the smile in his voice before the call dies, and you're happily skipping to your parents, telling them to hurry up.

you only had seven hours.

you had to have yoongi for all of it.

-

by the time you get back to lunch, you're even more tired, the day was hot, there was a lot of walking and beyond all that, you didn't even get to shop as much as you wanted to.

so, you walk into the restaurant with your spirits and head down.

you greet everyone half-heartedly, you give yoongi a quick, tight smile and he's pulling out the chair next to him, patting it.

and you don't remember being sad or disappointed, you don't remember how exhausted you are.

next to him, you're a ray of sunshine and bubbles.

"yoongi, can we go see what's around here? after we eat?" you ask casually, pushing the food around your plate and he's nodding, "you didn't get to there?"

"there was nothing there," you whine, feeling the irritation coming back and he's laughing, you're relaxing, he taps the back of your hand just once, "we'll go, okay?"

you nod happily, swinging your legs under the table.

-

you didn't actually end up going, you were told that you simply didn't have the time and your mood died faster than a candle losing it's fire in the strongest of winds.

and yoongi sits across the bus from you, unsure of what to do to make you feel better and you're busy sulking.

but then, your sister, like an angel descending from the sky, drops a bag in your lap, "stop making that face," and your hands are digging into the bag.

and everything you wanted, fall into your hands.

"finally, you're happy?" yoongi's delighted voice comes and you're patting the seat next you to you this time, "come here, see."

you pull out the phone cases, the skincare, the little trinkets your sister got you, all while ignoring how your body suddenly grows much warmer with him next to you.

"wait, what's that?" he tilts his head at the body glitter stick in your hands, plucking it from you and analyzing it like it was the strangest thing he's ever seen.

you stifle a giggle, "that," you pluck it back from him, "is a glitter stick."

"like for arts and crafts?" his frown deepens and you're shaking your head, hand pressed to your forehead like 'what am i to do with you?'

"turn your hand over," you order and he's raising his eyebrows, "already demanding things from me?" your cheeks flush, you clear your throat, "just turn your hand, yoongi."

yoongi smirks but then turns his hand, bringing it to hover over your lap, you rub the stick on the back of his hand and massage it in with your fingers.

"see, it shines," you bring his hand closer to the sunlight for him to see the sparkles but when you look back, he's staring at you with an unreadable expression.

you feel it.

his hand almost tightening around yours.

but then.

"we've reached the airport!"

and you're jumping back from each other, your face turning towards the window and his hand going to rub the back of his neck.

-

you wished that the flight you were supposed to board in ten minutes, would get delayed, the same way your first ever flight of the trip did, you wished to the heavens and back, that this one would too.

back then, you hated the waiting, cursed everyone above and below for it.

but now, you needed the waiting.

if it meant having yoongi completely to yourself for even another second, you wouldn't mind if the rest of the world crumbled around you.

but it didn't get delayed, and yoongi was back in his element, carrying his parents' bags, making everyone around him laugh and you watched, with admiration and the kind of jealousy that didn't have any justification.

you were on a slippery slope, with no way out, so you held out your only defense, you knew his seat wasn't next to yours, you knew it was two rows away, so, you whispered to yourself, "if somehow, he ends up next to me, i have to accept that we are inevitable."

-

inevitable.

was.

scary.

his seat wasn't next to yours, it really wasn't.

but it took one creepy guy staring for too long and you biting back with, "is this your seat?" for the guy to start stammering and for yoongi to ask, loudly, in front of everyone, "i've been noticing him for a while, do you want to sit behind me?"

and you looked at the empty seat next to you, you looked at the empty seat behind him, and you said, loudly, in front of everyone, "why don't you come here? this is empty."

and you almost knocked yourself out just to not feel the hot embarrassment running down your spine when there was no response.

but his voice came, a bit shaky but yoongi pulled through like you knew he would, "you want me to come there?" he asked, as if he couldn't believe those words came from you, especially for a second time.

you wanted to melt with how bare his voice felt.

"yeah, come," you felt shy repeating it, felt shy reaffirming that yes, you wanted him in the seat next to you.

he didn't waste another second, he quickly got up, threw a glare to the creepy guy on his way to you and smiled when he reached you.

"hi," he mumbled, sitting down, but making sure not to touch you, even if you wanted his hands all over you.

"hi," you said back and both of you laughed when your eyes met.

"so, we have six hours," yoongi started, "yes, we do," you nodded, heart hammering, six hours never felt so short, "you're not sleeping," he instructs and you pull back, "no way, i'm definitely sleeping."

"we'll see about that," he smirked and you felt as above the clouds as you literally were.

it didn't feel real.

his touch.

his presence.

you felt as if you were watching it unfold from out of your body.

yoongi's knees brushing against yours' and both of you leaning forward until your heads touched, until you felt his hair on yours, just to let out a laugh, just to speak one word, and pretending all of this was casual, all of this was friendly, it was scary.

he scrolled through his camera roll, showed videos of his sister's wedding, showed videos of him dancing and warned you not to laugh, only to laugh with you when you finally broke.

he showed to you his world, through a screen and you watched, possessed and captured, you watched until your eyes only replayed him, his face, his people, his world, his care and just him.

even as he whispered jokes to you and you laughed, your knees shook, your hands barely stayed still, your head swam in a mess of emotions that were cloaked by how dark the cabin was.

but one light switching on would let everyone know.

you were falling in love and you were grappling at straws to prevent it from happening.

and right before the lights went on, yoongi whispered, "i've never had this kind of a person," and his eyes shined as he looked at you, as if he was proud to have found you.

and it felt so good to be wanted by someone like yoongi.

"what kind of person?" you hated how breathy you sounded.

"the kind of person i can say everything to, like i can talk about my work and you'll listen, i can talk about my family and you'll listen and i want to listen to everything that you want to say too," he said like it was no big deal, like it didn't just knock the wind out of you.

"i'll always listen, yoongi."

but you never could tell him everything because everything would ruin you.

-

the first flight was bumpy, you almost cried at the landing, your stomach twisted and turned, your mind flashed with images of the plane crashing and through it all, yoongi's soft voice told you stories that were supposed to distract you.

they didn't.

but you still wanted to hear more.

you had one more flight.

and the longest layover.

and yoongi.

who had rejoined his family.

you watched the back of his head disappear into the crowd and sighed as if you lost your love in a war.

"can you both please shut up the next flight?" your sister groaned from beside you.

"what do you mean?"

"your giggling, him talking, like i'm sorry but you aren't the only two people on the plane, some of us like to sleep," she rolled her eyes and walked ahead, you caught up quickly.

"was it that obvious?"

"i was sitting on the other side of the plane to you, what do you think? fucking annoying," she continued complaining but you were already on cloud nine.

it wasn't just you.

it wasn't just in your head.

someone heard it.

someone else witnessed it.

it actually happened.

somehow, that was a bigger revelation than you'd expected.

-

in the lounge, with your father refusing to talk to you after a fight, with every little thing annoying you, with even breathing feeling like a lot, you watched your phone and waited.

one message.

and you would run away.

but not from him, no, this time, it would be to him.

and yoongi never disappointed, his message came, another drop in the growing ocean of what you felt for him.

within the next five minutes, you were walking out of the lounge and finally maybe, to where you belonged.

it was so jarring, to feel the weight of the world fall away from your shoulders just because your eyes caught a glimpse of him.

you were yet to hear a word from him.

you were yet to receive any comfort.

but just him walking towards you, made you want to slide your feet and fall into his arms, and let him make you forget about every little thing that ran your blood hot.

"hey," his voice came soft, came low, came in a way that you knew it was only supposed to reach your ears, "are you good?" came immediately after, concern creasing his forehead.

"i fought with my dad," you wouldn't admit this to anyone else but you know he will handle it gently, even if you might know about 99% of who he was, you knew he would handle you gently.

he stays silent, he had his fair share of fights with his dad, right in front of you too, and then, as time moved slow and fast, extends his hand out to you.

you wish you waited a second before you took it but you don't, and when he smiles at your hand in his, that second too felt like too long.

-

in the airport, your hearts are another two ghosts wandering about, bleeding out and you're trying to plug it all up, to not let the stain show, to not let the world know, that you longer belong to it, but only to yoongi.

he guides you to sit down and his hands don't jerk away from yours, they slide away, as if trying to leave their traces on your skin.

"the trip was good," yoongi starts awkwardly and your eyebrows go up in amusement, in his attempt to diffuse the smoke between you, but you play along, "yeah, it was pretty good."

"will you disappear after this?" he laughs, hands folding in his lap and your smile fades, "would you like that?"

yoongi sits back, and you wait with bated breath.

the smoke rises again, the invisible kind that made you question everything you know about him.

"do you want me to think of you as his ex only?" he asks instead of answering you.

"no, don't."

"then, don't."

"i won't."

the smoke clears.

-

something happening once was coincidence.

something happening twice was inevitable.

and everything with yoongi, seemed to be inevitable.

sand slipping from your hands.

sun breaking through clouds.

water surely reaching the shore.

inevitable.

yoongi.

inevitable.

and you swim in that thought as yoongi's dad gets up from beside you, "i want to go bother your dad," he cheerfully tells you, clearing his seat and you think, it can't be yoongi again, the world wouldn't give you that time again, it has to be his sister, it has to be anyone but him.

but.

but.

god, the world must really be feeling generous or just more dangerous.

yoongi takes the seat beside you with a sheepish smile, you hold your breath, feeling his gaze on the side of your head but no longer knowing what to do with it.

because this was it.

the last two hours you would be this close to him.

and you didn't want to walk away from this, all scarred and beaten up, you wanted some relief from the ache of knowing that once you got off this plane, every glance you give him would have to be measured, contained.

but then, yoongi's leaning on the food tray, stretching his body and softly groaning into his folded arms, and you wanted to caress his hair, you want to get all the pillows in the world to put under his head.

his sister's saying, "no mom, we have to go back to our home, our gardener misses us," she laughs, sharing a smile with her husband who's beaming at her.

and you realize.

that's what you want.

a place of your own.

with people that miss you when you're gone.

and someone to share all that with.

you look at yoongi's head and he's peeking at you from a gap near his arms, it's no longer a surprise to you, his gaze and his attention, in fact it would've surprised you more if it wasn't on you.

you lean down on the tray too, trying to find a comfortable position and you slowly slip into a half-asleep state.

in the middle, you feel him adjusting your tray to extend more, you feel him pushing his hoodie in the middle of your arms, you feel his hands almost brush your hair back, you feel everything but stay asleep.

halfway through, you feel brave.

you had hands.

you could touch him.

it was bright sunlight.

everyone would see.

but you had hands.

and yoongi would probably never be next to you again.

so, you suck in a deep breath and lean back, only to tilt and let your head hit his shoulder.

you feel it again.

the shudder passing through his body.

his hands tightening around the arm rests.

his head as it lightly leans back on you.

and it's everything you want.

in a second, you had the world in your hands.

for a second, you let yourself feel everything you wanted to.

affection.

gratefulness.

tenderness.

ache.

longing.

love.

because in some minutes, it would all go away.

you squeezed your eyes to hold back tears and lean away from yoongi, to sit up and you hate how soft he sounds when he says, "you can sleep, it's okay."

you turn and sleep on your sister's arm instead.

you hate that he keeps looking at you even after your eyes close.

you hate that his voice is still light when he talks to others.

you hate that his laugh rings in the air as your heart squeezes dry in your chest.

-

when you land in your hometown, you feel changed.

just viscerally changed, in a way that it would take time for both your mind and heart to catch up.

and you avoid yoongi's gaze.

suddenly, every word, every touch, every glance, seems as if it's been magnified under a microscope and everyone could now see, that you were in love and you couldn't control it.

you wordlessly nod your goodbyes to everyone.

you hold yoongi's eyes for longer than you needed to.

and when you get in your car, you see him standing in the sideview mirror, you see him watching you go until the world swallows his figure up.

maybe love.

maybe, love, was just never yours to keep.

-

part2! coming soon ~

-

lisa wondered for a moment, "a little bit, but crushes are unreasonable like that," she shrugs and starts walking away but you're already getting up to follow her.

"it's not a crush! i told you, i don't care about him that much," you huff, trying to smirk but lisa side-eyes you, "did you hear yourself say that you only care about him coming or did i imagine that bit?"

"i'm just...curious," you shrugged and she sighed, "whatever you say."

you didn't know how to explain to her, the itch, the longing, the excitement of just catching a glimpse of his hair, his face, his anything.

but you also wanted to tell her, he wasn't everything to you, not yet but right now, your world chose a new orbit to rotate on, and he was the orbit, you were the star.

you were still the star.

you were turning 21 today for god's sake.

-

within the next hour, your tiny apartment had people crawling on every corner, some were making out, some were drinking their asses off, some you actually liked, and some you knew nothing about.

there was no sign of your orbit, and you tried not to feel like you'd been plummeted into the dark of space.

"let's cut the cake!" lisa cheered, clapping loudly to get everyone's attention, and everyone erupted in cheers. at once, you were the shining star in this room, and everyone's eyes and hands pushed you towards your kitchen island.

you saw your cake.

a pink heart with two sparkling '2' and '1' candles on it.

and you tried to tell yourself that it didn't matter that taehyung wasn't here, you would drink enough to forget about him by tomorrow.

but you still looked, all the way from the entry to your apartment to the people who crowded in front of you.

nevertheless, you stepped forward to your cake and forced yourself to smile as big as you could because people still showed up to celebrate you.

so, you had to shine.

you had to be grateful.

you were grateful.

but their voices drowned in your ears, and their faces all blended together.

when the lights dim and everyone's not-so-melodious rendition of the 'happy birthday' song floats through the air, your face lights up with the candles, and you hear a new voice.

a new, clear voice that cuts through everyone else's, and that's when you know that he was here.

so, you look up and there he was, standing among the crowd but standing out as if everyone else didn't exist, a clarity in a haze, and he meets your eyes.

your orbit.

was here.

YOUR orbit.

was here.

you smile at his clapping and singing the song, and under his gaze, you feel your body fold, feel your knees weaken, and your heart thunder just a bit.

when you blow out the candles, you are acutely aware of his eyes on you, and you feel like jelly on legs.

but you blow the light out and look up as quickly as you can to see him, savor him.

in the darkness and chaos, he stands still and mouths to you 'happy birthday, sweets.'

your orbit.

was here at your 21st birthday party.

the party you threw for him.

and you shined the brightest when he smiled at you as everyone else's claps faded into white noise.

-

feeling taehyung's attention on you always left you feeling like a fresh wound opening in front of him, as if he could see through the layers under your skin and directly touch the tender parts of your soul if he wanted to.

but he always kept his hands to himself, even if you wanted them desperately on you, even if your tender parts ached and beat for him.

"quite a party you have here," he hums, and you're struggling to believe this is reality.

you are 21.

you are in a room full of people.

you are backed into a corner with taehyung leaning on the wall next to you.

you are with taehyung.

you don't know how it happened, how it started, if you stepped to him, if he stepped to you, if everyone else saw it too, if everyone else could see the galaxy growing between you two.

it always felt as if gravity pulled your bones and nerves towards him and it always felt right when you were perched next to him.

you wanted to scream, 'i did this for you!' but you smiled modestly instead, "you didn't see lisa's 21, it was way, way wilder than this," there were broken bones, and confetti was found in the corners of your house for weeks.

he laughs a little, eyes growing close and his laughter runs like a hot wire through your spine.

"i think even if i did, i would like this one better," taehyung raised his eyebrows at you and you couldn't help it, you asked even if you knew the answer, "why?"

"because here, you're the birthday girl and i get to see you in this crown," he laughs again, fingers poking at the bling sitting on top of your head, and your chest compresses when he runs his fingers on the edges of it.

the birthday girl part, you expected.

your crown, not so much.

and it suddenly felt more present on your head than it was before.

"i told lisa that it was a bit much," you self-conciously touched the tip of it and he frowned, "what? no, it looks...good on you."

but you could see he was biting back a few words.

"you can't be serious," you shake your head and taehyung smiles, "well, don't believe me, but don't take it off, it's very you."

and you don't know what takes over your brain.

you imagine his compliments in your ear as you wear a white dress and he wears a crisp maroon suit.

his whispers of 'the rest of my life, with you, in your heart and you in mine' as your veil dragged behind you.

you shake it off.

it was dangerous.

possibility.

potential.

you couldn't dwell in it but you couldn't ignore it.

so, you talked instead and he met you, word for word, expression to expression, face to face, and sometimes, body to body.

"i miss what dating used to be," he takes a swig out of his cup, and you lean in, a moth to his flame.

"what do you mean?"

"things used to mean something, you know? people used to want to know each other and fall in love at the same time. now, everyone wants a full report on the other person but refuse to fall in love," he sounded...frustrated and tired, and a part of you ached for him and yourself and your generation.

what did this mean for you?

was he just tired or tired and not open to anything at the moment?

why were you holding up the wall here if he didn't want anything?

but taehyung wasn't like that.

he couldn't be.

"that's true, it's like you can also love someone in the process of knowing them, instead of waiting for something to come up that ticks you off and leave them but you know, there is someone for everyone," you continue and he nods fiercely, eyes widening and body relaxing next to you.

and you relax too.

taehyung can see that you have something, he can see that he's yet to change your life, that he owed your instinct that satisfaction.

"people only love when its convenient for them now, when it's convenient for them to fall, be affectionate, caring, no one wants to show up when shit hits the roof, but you're right, there is someone for everyone, just can't be sure who is who anymore."

you wonder who burned him for him to speak with so much venom, and your heart that dropped and picked up during his whole speech dropped solidly to the ground.

you want to shake him and tell him, 'i'm not like that! i'll stand with you between the heavens and the earth, will you love me?'

because you're dramatic like that, a bit obsessed with bridgerton and the regality of love, and you think he might like that part of you.

you hope that he would like that part of you.

then, his phone buzzes. he excuses himself and turns away to talk, you wait impatiently for his eyes to look at you again, to have his full attention again.

but then he turns around with a small pout, and you try not to let your heart sink further.

"i just gotta go for a few minutes," and you're already nodding and smiling, but your heart's beating from 6 feet underground, and you're saying that it's okay, "but i'll be back! i promise, like 20 minutes and i'll be here again," he rushes to explain and you nod again, with even more understanding and enthusiasm.

because you're cool like that.

"that's totally fine, let me see you out" you walk with him till the door, watch him put his shoes on, try not to laugh as he slips a bit trying to put his shoes on, and laugh anyway when he narrows his eyes at you.

he laughs with you before his eyes completely soften.

"happy 21 sweets, you look beautiful and so does your crown," taehyung's finger brushes once again on the edge of your bling, a flash of amusement and endearment flashes in his eyes before he leaves with his head down.

you're left with red cheeks and a hand that unconsciously brushes the silly tiara on your head.

he doesn't come back.

lisa takes your hand and drags you out of the apartment after you wait for an hour on the sofa.

but your hand still reaches for your tiara throughout the night and you still want to tell taehyung that you might just be his someone.

-

21 faded like everything else.

it was filled with heartbreak, hope, but mostly, just heartbreak.

because taehyung never returned in your life fully.

he came and went.

a handsome smile during sunset on a hill.

across the hood of his car, where you lay, watching you and your body getting bathed in light that made you look like you came from above.

driving back to your house, where you lingered near the door until his car disappeared down the road.

zero messages or calls from him after.

and you were here, turning 22, and an invitation in the form of a casual text message that was unread by him. sat heavily on your phone.

as casual as the message was, so were your feelings.

they really were.

they had to be.

and this time, you were grown anyway, you weren't a princess with a tiara.

you were an angel with wings that could rival a victoria's secret model.

because you could be turning 50, but you would still pull up with the drama of a pageant queen, this was part of growing to you, getting to be everything your kid self would find super cool.

"hey, baby," a familiar strong aftershave scent engulfed you from behind and nuzzled its nose into your glitter-spilled neck.

yes, you had a boyfriend.

yes, it was terrible that you were waiting on someone else.

but no, you didn't love him.

you didn't hear wedding bells, nor could your eyes flash the tiniest bit of a veil and a suit when you were with your boyfriend.

somehow, that was all reserved for someone who couldn't even answer your text.

so, you nuzzled back, you cheered with your friends, and you thought, life has so much to see, life wasn't just taehyung.

and you partied.

hard.

for hours.

until your knees shook with every step you took, until your lips were swollen from the kisses your boyfriend stole, until you walked into the bathroom and smiled stupidly at your reflection.

22 fucking rocked.

but then, you got out of the bathroom, humming, a skip in your step, and your boyfriend had his tongue down someone else's throat, someone else's lip swollen as he swallowed them whole.

and you watched.

you waited for your world to crash and burn.

you waited for your stomach to drop.

you waited.

for something.

anything.

to know that he meant something to you.

but you couldn't even conjure up a single tear for him.

"baby?" his voice was as if in a tunnel, and it echoed all around you but didn't quite reach you.

"baby, it's not what you think, she's just an old friend," he was still talking, and somehow, lisa appeared in the fuzzy borders of your eyesight.

"i knew it! i fucking knew it, the second i saw you looking at her, i fucking knew it! how dare you? how could you, on her birthday? seriously, is thi-" and it was all too much.

lisa's voice.

his voice.

his whining.

your own breathing.

just too fucking much.

so, you walked away, lisa came behind you because she was good like that, because she was your friend, because you would follow her to everywhere too.

but you held a soft, shaking hand up, the alcohol suddenly feeling like it took your feet off the ground.

"i just need a minute alone. i'll be out, i'll be back, okay?" her eyes softened, but she didn't know.

she didn't know that you were still thinking of taehyung.

would he ever do something like this to you?

and with that thought, you stumbled out of the bar, loose-limbed and free from a ridiculous man that you would regret dating.

you had to thank the girl who kissed him; she took a load off your hands.

you sat on a ledge and rested your head on the wall. the vibrations from the music in the club bounced off your head, but you enjoyed it. you tapped your feet to the beat and let yourself just be.

then, you heard arguing.

shouting, actually.

and you peeked.

because who wouldn't?

but you regret it immediately.

on the sidewalk, just a couple of feet from you, was an angry taehyung and the girl with swollen lips.

yes, that girl with swollen lips.

and your taehyung.

fate was funny.

maybe cruel to taehyung right now.

but to you, it was hilarious.

you watched in mild amusement and not-so-mild jealousy as she tried to hold him, tried to console him, tried to kiss him (which had you curling your fist at nothing), and all the while, taehyung looked at the road behind her.

then, she yells at him.

"this is because you never stepped up! this is because of you, not me. i tried to be a good girlfriend, but you never even tried to be a good boyfriend," she wailed at him, eyes turning glassy and jaw quivering.

which was interesting, because ten minutes ago, she was kissing the lips you had kissed for four months.

you waited for taehyung to do something.

but he was a tree, unmoving, hands shoved deep in his pockets and that had your respect for him skyrocketing.

she was shaking her head at him, hailing a cab and soon, it was just taehyung on the street, bathed in moonlight and you didn't even try to look away.

heartbroken people shouldn't have looked as good as he did.

no one should look as good as him.

"sweets?" his voice sounded as his nickname for you.

sweet.

surprised.

warm.

and.

so fucking soft.

why did he call out to you like you were the only person his voice changed for?

"hi, taehyung," you swallowed, and everything you waited to feel, rained down on you like stars falling from the sky and hitting your head.

maybe your kid self wouldn't find the sick yearning in your throat, your chest, your stomach, knees, and ankles, super cool, but you agreed with your kid self on this.

this wasn't very cool.

it wasn't very cool to feel everything from one person calling out to you, nor was it cool to watch him with eyes that were practically dripping with love.

it was irrational.

stupid.

but taehyung comes to stand in front of you and offers a strained smile, and you don't want to be anywhere else in this world.

"nice wings," he muses, and you shrug, delighted that he noticed them, "it's a birthday thing."

a look of realization passes on his face.

he doesn't panic to explain that yeah, he forgot, but remembered that it was your birthday.

instead, he smiles, larger, brighter, and whispers, "happy 22, sweets."

"or should i just call you angel?" you scrunch your nose at him, pretending to be annoyed, but you really didn't like angel, you would only like 'sweets' from his mouth.

he laughs at you, and the sound always makes you feel so proud.

like hello world, look what i can do? i can make the man i love laugh, i can make him feel joy, i can light up his life, and even for just a second, i own you world.

"what did you do today?"

"broke up with my boyfriend," a spark of hope passes quickly in his eyes.

"same here."

"i saw."

"oh," taehyung looks away, scratching his neck, "i didn't mean to, i was just here," you explained, and he nodded, "yeah well, it happened."

"she was kissing my boyfriend, actually," you didn't need to tell him, but you wanted to.

"what a coincidence," no emotion played in his tone.

"you can beat him up if you'd like, he's inside," you point towards the club and taehyung laughs, but it was cold, detached, "my girlfriend, well ex now, kissed him back so i can't exactly blame him."

"that's right too," you shrug, leaning your head back on the wall and ignoring the stabbing need for more words to come out of your mouth.

you wanted to say so much more.

you wanted to ask if he remembered the hill, the car, the sunlight and mostly, you wanted to ask if he remembered you in all of it.

but you didn't.

because if he forgot, you wouldn't know how to live with that.

"i'm sorry about not calling you after that day."

that day.

that sacred day.

you actually expected him to act as if it never happened.

"which day?"

because you like to make him squirm sometimes, because you know that he knows that he's left you hanging not once, but twice.

taehyung laughs a little, shaking his head, "all the days, i should've always called you back, is it too late now?"

what a stupid question.

your life waited for taehyung, it was never too late for him.

your heart climbs up your throat, down your tongue, and hangs right at the edge, waiting for him to take it.

"no, not late and well, i'm here now, talk to me," you wish you could say that your desperation wasn't obvious, but when taehyung grins at you, you know he's caught it.

the soft center of your soul for him opens up again.

he holds his hand out, and your wings close around you in the wind of the night.

you don't think you could've done anything else in that moment except take his hand and walk away into the night.

-

"happy 23, sweets," taehyung's voice in your ear and his kiss on your temple, beat everything else in the world.

you were 23.

finally.

with taehyung by your side.

you weren't in a pageant-level outfit; you were in his t-shirt, his shorts, in his bed, with the clock blinking red with 12:04.

but you had your old tiara, a bright eye-hurting pink wig, a new furry sash, and a full face of your best makeup on.

because you still had to be dramatic, it wouldn't be your birthday without at least a little bit of flair.

and taehyung was here, arms wrapped from behind you, his scent, his softness, touching you everywhere your skin screamed to be touched, and you melted.

because this was what you waited for.

you were never wrong with your gut feeling.

you were never wrong about taehyung.

that night, when you walked away with his hand in yours, you didn't know where you would end up, but you always hoped it would be here, with wedding bells ringing in your ear every time he smiled.

"i was hoping to see you somewhere," taehyung had said, hands scratching the back of his neck with a sheepish smile, and you raised your eyebrows at him, "and ignoring my text would've helped you, how?"

and he had laughed, "i don't think you realize how scared i get."

it was a loaded answer, but with no real explanation.

"with what?"

"you."

"you're scared of me?"

"yeah."

"seriously?" you narrowed your eyes at him, and taehyung squeezed his eyes shut in delight.

"i love when you look at me like that," taehyung smirked after, and you almost stumbled onto the road.

"like what?"

"like you don't believe a word i say, like you can see right through me," he hums and you swallowed down the words, 'i do see you, i see you, i see through you, i see around you, all i want is for my eyes to have you in front of them.'

"that doesn't explain the scared part, taehyung." you said instead, casual, cool, unbothered, but your stomach furled and unfurled like a wild cat in heat.

"it's true!" he threw his hands up in the air, and you scoffed, "that's a lame excuse to not text me back, taehyung."

not so casual, not so cool, not so unbothered, but you couldn't keep it in you anymore.

and maybe he noticed the underlying exhaustion your tone held, the exhaustion of your hope slowly burning out over the year.

taehyung knew he had messed up, but he never could guess if you cared about him messing up or not.

so, he bit the bullet.

"you terrify me," and his words were softer, laced with the kind of vulnerability that was addictive, it was as if watching the flowers of his voice slowly bloom in front of you.

"how so?"

"because, every other person, i can fake something with, i can fake a smile, my feelings, and i'm okay with that. it doesn't make me sound like a good person, but it's easier to fake that stuff when you know the other person isn't in it for anything serious," maybe he noticed he was rambling, taehyung took a deep breath, let out a tired laugh, and smiled at you.

he poked at the frown forming between your eyebrows, and his touch bled into your skin, making it liquid, suddenly, your skin could be anything taehyung wanted it to be.

"my point is, when you look at me, i don't want to lie or fake anything, even if that's easier, i just want to be me, and i don't know, well, i don't know if you'll like that. i've always been okay with casual relationships, but if it's you," he looked up at you, you sucked in a shaky breath, the world suddenly spinning uncontrollably in front of you.

your wings fluttered around you again, the wind closing in on the two of you, and you waited with wide eyes and a tight throat for taehyung to finally tell you something real.

he was either going to break your heart or have it forever.

"if it's you, it can't be casual, i can't be casual, and that's," he looked at you again, as if he couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth, as if he's buried them so long ago that their coming out made no sense.

but there taehyung was, making your face warm and red.

"that's terrifying, y/n."

and knowing that you scared him, shook whatever foundation he was always comfortable with, had you gleaming with confidence.

"do you want to do it scared?"

his head snapped up at you, eyes zeroing on your face to search for any signs of teasing or joking.

"because i'm scared too, and whenever i see you, i feel like everyone else doesn't exist. i'm scared, but i'll do it, if you do it," there was no going back, there was no hiding behind your phone and texts and invitations.

there was only your torn apart body and your bleeding soul, that waited for him, that was always waiting for him.

he had stepped forward and kissed you then.

he had smiled and told you that he would do it.

the wedding bells rang then.

your gut screamed at you, 'i told you so!'

and taehyung did it.

he loved you while he was scared, not perfectly, but he did it.

but 23 was still 23.

and you were still people, imperfections and fights and all.

but right now, the birthday candle in front of you flickered and threw its light onto taehyung's face.

that night, he whispered to you, "do you remember you told me that there was someone for everyone? you were right, you are my someone, and i hope you're my someone in every life."

and the wedding bells kept ringing.

-

five years passed painfully, quickly.

but slowly enough for a ring to shimmer on your finger.

you and lisa had drifted apart.

you didn't remember the face of the man who cheated on you.

your pageant-level outfits were old news.

taehyung was old news.

at least, that's what you told yourself.

because a man was holding onto your waist with a tighter grip than you'd like, but you smiled and let it go.

taehyung had touched you gently, but he hadn't stayed.

your friend from school, edward, had stayed.

it helped that your families were the ones to bring you together.

"and there she was, just beautiful and i knew i had to make her mine," edward said proudly to a room full of people who swooned and clapped. he smiled down at you, but your stomach didn't jump, your skin didn't tingle, and your heart shriveled.

the wedding bells still didn't ring with edward, even if you were set to marry him in nine months.

but they would soon.

they had to.

he was the rest of your life.

"but you know, some taming was required," he whispered-announced, and you wanted the ground to swallow you up, but you laughed instead.

"either way, i'm glad she's mine, i love her and i can't wait to live the rest of my life with her." his eyes always glimmered, but it was never with love.

it left you feeling confused.

because they sparkled.

so, it had to be something good?

but lately, his eyes made you sick in the stomach.

"love you more," you kissed his cheek, and his fingers brushed the ring on your finger.

"why don't you take it off before dinner so that you don't lose it?"

it was always like this.

the sweetest words he ever told you, were loud enough for the rest of the world to hear, but the words only you could hear, were hardly ever sweet.

when he sees your face fall, his eyes shut exasperatedly, and he forces a smile, "i just don't want you to lose it."

"i only lost your sunglasses that one time, edward and i even paid you for it, so can you leave me and my ring alone?"

"it's my ring too," he argued, eyes narrowing but when someone claps him on the back, edward smiles like the world's shining on him and he's once again the charismatic and easygoing guy you first liked.

then, he walked away with that person.

and you finally breathed again.

he was going to leave you.

not now.

not anytime soon.

but when you're older, when you have more wrinkles, when you're not as glamorous anymore, he was going to find someone younger and leave you.

you maybe had 10 years for that to happen.

you sighed.

if it weren't for your family introducing him to you, you never would've met him, and you never would've been...whatever you were now.

you left the room too.

and the bathroom was somehow a worse place to be.

it was just you.

but it also wasn't you.

your hair lay neatly with curls at the end, not one strand was out of place.

your eyeliner was thin.

your blush was a light mauve.

your lipstick was an appropriate brown.

you were wearing a knee-length skirt and blouse, both in dull colors.

and it was your 28th birthday.

28 fucking sucked.

but no one in the other room cared about that, no one brought you a cake and a candle, no one cared that you were 28 today.

even you didn't.

today was your engagement announcement, not your engagement announcement and your birthday.

edward had said it would be special to celebrate, but he hadn't even bothered with acknowledging your birthday today.

you guess, this was just 28.

maybe 29 would be better.

or worse.

maybe you were wrong about taehyung then.

maybe you were wrong about everything, too.

but you would still grow a year older, and the world would still rotate.

several girls entered the bathroom with bright dresses, glitter all over their faces, dyed hair, and they all laughed amongst themselves.

you were seeing yourself, from a couple of years ago, in women you didn't even know, and a part of you ached for who you were.

you were your person, you had your likes and dislikes, you wore smoky eye makeup to class just because you could, and now you were here, bland and drowned out.

you stared at yourself with more pity than you'd like on any other day and pushed the door open again, plastering on a polite smile and forcing yourself to get through...the rest of your life.

you blend into the crowd seamlessly, having perfected this routine, this dance of polite but not boring, entertaining but not crass, beautiful but won't claim it out loud.

you were what he said you were, tamed.

and soon, everyone became another face in the crowd, another person to greet and another person to look good to, to not embarrass edward.

speaking of edward, you looked for him in the crowd, and when you found him, you wish you could say you were surprised.

he was whispering to a younger girl and laughing obnoxiously loudly at something his friends were saying.

at your engagement, he had the gall to kiss her cheek, too.

your eyes met with his.

he looked back at you with that glimmer that you now realize is pride.

pride at having succeeded in molding you into whatever he wanted.

he changed you, tamed you, and still didn't like you, still would choose someone else, but he only wouldn't because you were the easier choice, you were already molded to fit him.

you hated that shape of you now.

you couldn't remember anymore why you ever liked him.

years of him by your side, and one look from across the room had you realizing that yeah, you could smile, fake it, be with edward, have a fine family, be a hot divorcee, you could do it all.

but you don't want to.

you won't.

you walked over to him, and his hands immediately reached out to grab you.

you placed the ring in his open palm, "i guess this was always really yours, i can't do this, have a good life."

and you hear his angry shouting, but you don't care enough to turn back, you know that he wouldn't if he found someone else, hell, he wouldn't even chase you down the hall.

your stomach twisted with pride, embarrassment, fear, and grief.

you looked at the finger where the ring had been.

a deep, angry, and red imprint glared back at you.

you should've known it then, the smaller ring size, the engagement announcement on your birthday, the constant taunts telling you to tone down, calm down, be less of yourself.

but edward was also old news now.

and you had to start over, all over again.

at 28.

but then you pass one person by.

just one person.

who you would recognize even from outer space.

and you stop.

right in the middle of the room.

you stop.

and your shoulders fall.

the relief you felt coursed through you in waves.

the relief that came from knowing that you were never wrong about taehyung.

you could be wrong about everything else in the world, but never him.

he would always come back to you and you to him.

your organs all dropped, after being hung from strings for so long, everything in your body relaxed and fell back into their place.

maybe at 28, you won’t have to start all over again.

you knew that just a couple of steps away, he paused too.

and when you turn around to see him, there's no surprise at all, there's no stiffness, there's no small talk, there's nothing except sweet, sweet relief.

there is only silence with unsaid words echoing in it, there are only eyes that scan your every inch, there’s only longing and regret and mourning pumping through every cell in you.

'there you are.'

'where have you been?'

'why did you let me drift away for this long?'

but your eyes dropped, it was painful to see him, it was always at least a little painful to see taehyung because you couldn’t believe he existed, that he was real, that he was once yours…or still was.

"you came back to town?" is the only thing you can whisper.

he had left for a job.

there were many tears.

lots of arguments.

lots of screaming.

you had tried long-distance for a year or two, but that only made you hate each other. you had broken it off amicably; you were the one who called it, you wouldn't have even dreamt of that possibility before, that you would ever let him go.

but you did, and nothing dramatic happened, but soon, you were out of each other's lives.

but you two.

you never are out of each other's lives, are you?

at least, not for too long.

"just a couple days ago," he swallowed, and his voice dropped your shoulders further.

you felt sleepy.

dazed.

cradled.

just from being around him, you felt like more of yourself.

you felt 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, and every other age that you held him close to your heart, which was apparently also 28.

"for good or?" your guarded heart asked.

"for you, and for good, yeah," taehyung grinned, struggling to meet your eyes, and the hand with the ring imprint on it, flinched next to your body.

“you knew i’d be here?”

“lisa told me.”

she was invited; she was in a different city, but she was always invited.

you had to call her, kiss her, thank her, and tell her you missed her.

you had to call so many people.

“am i late again?” he stared at the imprint.

you wanted to say yes, that he was late, that because he left you, you had to suffer for this long, you had to fall in love with someone you didn’t even like, just to forget him.

but you also just wanted to be held again.

because you knew it wasn’t his fault or yours.

and your body was calling to him.

"not too late,” you said instead, hoping that he sweeps you off your feet, squeezes the life out of you, and fills your ear with sweet words that were only for you.

taehyung’s fingers twitch, and you watch as his face goes from resignation to his fate, to hope, soaring hope.

you watch each other with amused smiles.

look how terribly our lives are tangled, even when we walk from each other, look at how we find each other.

“what are you going to do about it, taehyung?” you ask, because you wanted to run away with him and never look back at anything.

“do you love him?” the question throws you off balance, but you have the answer.

"i did once, yeah but not for a while, not anymore," you whisper, rubbing the spot where your ring used to be, “it never felt like it was my ring.”

it also never felt like it was your life.

then, he touches you, not explosively like you wanted, but tenderly like you needed.

his fingers reach for the back of your hand achingly slowly, and they brush your skin once, twice, and he doesn’t grab, he holds.

“i came back for you, i had to leave but i always knew i would come back for you.”

“even if i was with someone else?”

“you and i both know, that we are written in the stars,” that one sentence put together everything your gut had been telling you for years, that this was it, he was it, “no one can stop us, not even us and if you let me, i would love to love you all over again.”

and the wedding bells rang.

but this time, it wasn’t just your wedding that you could imagine.

it was everything.

you imagined him twirling you on a hotel room floor on your wedding night.

you imagined looking up at him from under a veil and feeling like you did everything right in your life if you ended up next to him.

you imagined coming home to him after an exhausting day at work.

you imagined waving goodbye to your kids as they left for school.

you imagined tracing the wrinkles on his hands as his hair grew white.

you imagined kissing the top of his grave.

you imagined lying next to him, in this life, the afterlife, and every other life.

so, you do what you wanted.

you pull him forward and bury yourself into his body, molding your body to fit him, the shape you always liked.

and this time, you knew he wasn’t going anywhere.

how?

because your body just knew, your heart just knew, they had known since you were 20, and they still knew now.

and taehyung moves away only to plant the softest kiss on your temple.

"i think that's everything," you hummed, rolling out the suitcases and placing them by your door but you forgot one thing to pack.

him.

he's never felt so desperate to be stuffed into a suitcase and flied across oceans.

he's never wanted to bolt a door shut so badly that you could never escape.

he's never been so pathetic about being left behind.

"how much time do you have?" his mouth was always faster than his brain and you grinned, "jungkook, you've asked me that 5 times already," maybe, his mouth could be slower at times.

"but i have 13 hours to my flight, why?" you asked the same question with different numbers as the evening peeked and left but he never answered.

"i planned something," he didn't plan anything, he was busy weeping in his room, "because you know, only tonight, it's all we have," jungkook liked to think he sounded cooler than how he felt.

"what did you plan?" you leaned forward excitedly, with a happy glint in your eyes and maybe, jungkook could become a liar for the rest of his life.

"can't tell you," he doesn't know himself, "let's go," he grabbed his car keys and jingled them in his hands, hoping that the sound would jerk his brain to start running, to start catching up with his mouth.

and your mouth opened and closed, jungkook was never spontaneous, he messaged about 5 times before the plan ever began on a day to make sure everything was going smoothly but nevertheless, you grinned at him and ran out the door, with him following right behind you.

how the night would go, you didn't know.

but fuck, jungkook didn't know either.

-

he looked at the clock.

12 hours.

"so, where are we going?" jungkook gripped the steering wheel tightly at your question, you looked at him with those big eyes and asked questions that he would pay to have answers to but for now, he was only driving down every road he saw.

"you'll see," he tried to smile but inside his mind, he cursed himself over and over again.

you were giving him your last night in your hometown and he couldn't even give you a good time.

just as you opened your mouth to complain, jungkook slammed on the brakes and pointed to his left.

"let's go!"

-

he looked at the clock.

11 hours.

"mine is good, how is yours?" you looked up from the ice cream in your hands and nodded, "mine is good too."

an ice cream.

that was the best he could do.

jungkook wanted to run his own car over him.

"this is just a pitstop," he hurried to explain and you tilted your head at him.

he never knew what you were feeling.

was this disgust?

were you thinking he was a waste of time?

should he just drop you back hom-

"jungkook, i like ice cream, i like this," and he swears angels are not in the sky, they are across the booth from him, singing in a tune he couldn't get out of his head and smiling in a way he couldn't say no to.

so, the next stop, wherever it was.

it had to be good.

jungkook would do anything to keep his angel happy.

-

he looked at the clock.

10 hours.

go-karting was probably not his brightest, but when you zoom past him in your little cart and your little helmet, and your giggles trail behind you, jungkook can only shake his head and follow you.

like he always does.

but this time, with a foot pressed tightly on the accelerator and the wind slapping his face, his hands turning red on the wheel and his eyes well, on you.

and he tries to catch up.

like he always does.

but you're always just a few metres ahead, you're always leaving a trail of laughter behind but you don't match his pace.

and you'll be going away.

jungkook was a rational guy but he slowed down at the realisation, he slowed down at the thought of the next ten hours being the only ones he has left.

but he still has to follow you.

so, he does.

-

he looked at the clock.

8.5 hours.

"that was so fun!" you gasped breathlessly, pulling the helmet off your face, "careful, careful," he whispers, hair can get so easily tangled in helmets, jungkook immediately pats your hair away and tcakes the helmet from your hands, you shouldn't ever carry heavy objects around him.

he returns all the equipment, listens to you gush about the speed, the track, the kart, your cheeks are red, your hair is messed up, your eyes are twinkling and jungkook smiles.

because tonight, he had no plan but you were smiling, you were here and so was he.

and when you grab his hand to pull him towards a tteokbokki stand, he follows.

-

he looked at the clock.

7.5 hours.

"jungkook, i didn't know you were so sentimental," he forces open the door to your high school, "or this reckless," you hum and jungkook bites back a laugh.

"just wanted us to relive it, i guess," he means him, he wants to relive the moment he first met you, you were young, you were bold, you were annoying to his nervous system which couldn't quite process how much it could feel for a person.

"isn't this breaking and entering?" you whisper with caution but you're staring at the building in awe, maybe you were reliving it too, maybe not so in love as him, but enough to appreciate a memory of meeting a friend.

"do you care?"

"nope," you smile and march into the building with passion and jungkook, he followed.

-

he looked at the clock.

less than 7.5 hours.

"my seat!" you squealed, running a hand over the top of the table and he smiled at your excitement, he was feeling pretty damn good about himself.

"and there is yours," you walk over to the corner of the class, from where jungkook admired you for the longest time until one day, you walked up to him, asked him to hang out with your friends and since then, didn't leave him behind.

"you used to be so quiet," a fond smile took over your face and jungkook's heart ached, "you still are," you nod and he laughs.

"you talk enough for the both of us," and you gasp in mock offence, "how dare you, i was there for you through everything."

and he knows you are joking.

he knows you are being dramatic.

but it was true, wasn't it?

no one else had stood by him the way you did and now, you were...leaving.

"you were, i'm grateful to you for that, i wouldn't have grown much without you," his face feels warm, his fingers feel tingly and he knows that one more word out of him would slip out the inevitable, would slip out the 'i love you' that he's hidden so well over the years.

"you were there for me too, jungkook, i only grew because i had you," your eyes are glassy, and your head drops, his heart sinks, he never meant to make you cry.

so, he's reaching forward, stepping forward, following you like he always does, to console you, hold you, say something, anything to stop you from crying.

but you're lifting your head, shaking the tears away and grinning at him.

"where to next?"

-

he looked at the clock.

7 hours.

you fell asleep in the car.

after pushing him out of the high school to go to his next 'plan', you got into the car, with excitement waving off you and then...you fell asleep.

out like a night.

or as jungkook would say, an angel resting on its cloud.

and jungkook shook his head with a smile that he didn't have to contain anymore, it's not like you were awake to see his smile that would give him away.

he stopped the car, he covered you with his hoodie and he twisted his body sideways to watch your body gently rise and fall.

what would he do without you?

how can he not worry about you if he can't see you with his own two eyes?

who will be his friend?

who else will never leave him behind?

but jungkook knew that your world wasn't just him, and his world would remain just you, but he wouldn't expect the same back.

he wasn't that greedy.

he just wanted to love.

and he wanted to keep loving.

even if seas came between you two, jungkook would send his love on a speedboat to reach you, he would swim the sea himself if you called out to him.

for now, jungkook will watch you with his own two eyes, and let his heart rest because you were safe, you were sound, and you were with him.

-

3 hours.

"jungkook! what the fuck? how could you let me sleep?" your wails startled a half-asleep jungkook, your hands are in your hair, you look stressed, you look...guilty.

"it's okay, you needed the rest," and he was out of places to show you.

he looked at the time.

he was also out of time.

"let's go pretty, let's get your smart ass to the airport," even if his heart felt like it could fall to the sole of his shoes and get stomped over and over again, jungkook headed on.

you had places to be.

people to see.

things to achieve.

and he was no one to stand in the way.

"jungkook," you sounded distraught and he stopped what he was doing to look at you.

tears in your eyes.

trembling jaw.

and he follows.

jungkook's hands move on their own accord, they wipe your tears away, they cradle your jaw and his mouth whispers reassurance, 'you just slept, you didn't run someone over'.

but the guilt stays in your eyes.

and he feels an invisible spear pressing into his chewst.

"it was our last night together," you softly whine, sadness, regret and so much more wrapped in your tone.

and oh, he's known, he's known for the past 12 hours.

-

he stopped looking at the clock.

airports were always so depressing to jungkook.

and especially depressing because you couldn't stop crying all the way from your home, where you bid your family goodbye, to the airport where you stood now.

jungkook's tried everything.

like how you would for a baby that won't stop fussing.

bright music.

reassuring whispers.

offering of food.

but you seemed truly set on crying until you got on the flight.

and well, jungkook's a loyal follower, he lets you do just that.

jungkook takes your suitcases from the car and puts them on the ground, almost thinks of running away with them so you can chase him but he shakes his head, you would just cry more.

he stares at your sniffling figure as you try to hold your tears but fail, and jungkook feels a pain so acutely spread through him because he knows he'll be crying once he leaves you here.

"so, that's everything," jungkook comes forward in small steps as if big movements would trigger more tears from you and you choke back a sob anyway.

jungkook had tried everything.

but one thing.

he stepped forward, arms out and wrapped them around you.

and almost broke down crying too.

because you push your face into his neck and start whispering about how you're scared, how you don't want to say goodbye to everyone, how you do-

"i don't want to leave you jungkook, i never want to leave you, i would pack you into a bag and take you with me right now," and you sound like you would do it.

"i don't think that's allowed, love," he doesn't care what he lets slip anymore.

"honestly, fuck them," you groan and jungkook pulls back to look into your tear-soaked eyes with his eyes that weren't going to hold off much longer, "yeah, fuck them," he whispers and you let your head fall back on his body.

jungkook gets busy cursing the world.

fuck them for taking you away,

fuck them for putting a sea between you.

fuck them for not letting jungkook follow you.

it's all he's ever known.

and you were going away, leaving no hand behind for him to hold onto.

"jungkook, are you crying?" your own gravelly voice comes through his fog and he sniffles, "yeah."

you bury his arms closer around you.

"you can cry, it's okay."

"fuck them, y/n, fuck them so hard," and this time, you're pulling away to give him a weak smile, "fuck them."

he looks at the clock, one last time.

it was daylight.

the night was gone.

and he was out.

he was out of all time.

and just when he wants to grab your hand and run, you turn back to look at the clock too.

now, you knew you were out of time too.

"jungkook, i have to-"

"go, don't worry about me," he tries to smile and your face falls as the time clicking by suddenly becomes the only sound you two could hear.

jungkook brings your suitcase to the entrance, he hands them over to you and you take each suitcase from him silently.

how will carry all this by yourself?

maybe he could buy a ticket, maybe just to help you with the bags-

"jungkook."

his eyes are back on you.

"i know."

and he stops moving, stops breathing, because maybe he's hidden it yes, but he never said he was good at hiding it.

he knew the glint in your eyes could always see right through him.

jungkook always feels sheepish, a bit shy, a bit awkward, a bit sad that he might not get to tell you himself.

but he had just enough seconds on the clock to say,

"i love you."

the smile on your face makes him wish he had told you this many moons ago but even with the handful of seconds you had left, you say,

"i love you too."

he watches you go.

and jungkook lets you go.

to a place where he cannot follow just yet.

he lets you go with your new love blooming in him and his old love growing a garden in you.

and he thinks to himself, he's done a damn good job after all.

taehyung also leaves his warmth on your skin and his perfume in your apartment's air and you're okay with the scent overpowering your boyfriend's.

you're not sure if you ever even liked wooseok's scent in your air at all.

-

taehyung has always loved award shows.

the glamour.

the glitter.

the performances.

but today, his hands were itching to reach for his phone.

he wanted to ask you so many things, he wanted to know if you were looking at him when he looked so good, he wanted to know if through the screen, you could tell that he was thinking of you.

"not now," hoseok sang next to him with a playful smile when taehyung's hands inched towards his pocket, and jungkook snickered at his friend, "you could've atleast let it buzz."

but taehyung doesn't care.

he has questions to ask.

answers to know.

and so much more than what they could ever understand.

taehyung shoos their eyes and ears away from his phone screen and melts into his seat to start texting you.

but he's pleasantly surprised to see an earlier message from you.

y/n: have fun! can't wait to see you next time <3.

and his smile takes over his face.

taehyung: thank you !! are you watching?

he watches the three dots dance on the screen of his phone for several minutes.

y/n: of course i am, taehyung.

your reply should've already made his day but he only had more doubts.

did you always see him at shows?

did you look up red carpet photos of him?

have you come across any ugly ones?

did you ever buy a magazine because his face was on it?

did you ever burn a photo of him to erase him from your mind?

so many questions.

and he couldn't ask you.

taehyung: thank you for watching, i hope you like the performance.

three dots again.

he held his breath.

y/n: i always do.

and that did it for him.

liking you came so simply to taehyung, liking you was as easy as breathing, eating, living. to him, liking you was an everyday thing, a routine and not some odd habit he had to grow into.

he got used to it ages ago and it was a habit he never wanted to break.

even if someone else was in your life.

taehyung: you're making me nervous.

y/n: you look too good to be feeling that way ! just enjoy the night. i know i will, from my living room haha.

taehyung: gosh okay <3

you had him on the big screen in the apartment that you lived in with your boyfriend.

a win in his book.

and taehyung bites his fist to not jump up from his seat and do a dance for you to watch.

he turned to his friends, "she told me that i look too good," he informed them with the utmost pride and wiggling eyebrows, they rolled their eyes at him, "we get it, you still like her."

"no, i think that she might just like me back too," he sang, ignoring the groans from them, high on the cloud of hope and remnants of his past love.

"doesn't she have a boyfriend now?" taehyung tried to not let his expression grow too sour at his friend's words but alas, his face twisted in disgust.

he didn't reply.

"just...tread carefully, man. why is she flirting with you if she has someone?"

"she isn't happy with him and she isn't flirting with me, i think?." you always looked happier with taehyung and he didn't want to overthink the texting like a teenager.

"did she tell you that?"

and taehyung, yet again, had no answer.

that night, he performed with more confidence than anyone else could possibly have on that stage, because he knew your eyes were watching his every move and he did it for you, he did it all for you.

but when he went back to his room, he scrolled through his phone, like a teenager would and couldn't help but question where your loyalty lied.

-

"that lip bite was a bit much, in my opinion," as much as he loved seeing your face when you guys talked, he also loved your voice and nothing else through his phone.

"it was for you," he whined and you giggled in response, he relished in the silence that followed, the happy kind of silent.

"but seriously, you guys killed it, i don't know how you don't freeze up there," you sigh dreamily into the phone, playing his performance on your laptop on mute while he let out a small laugh, "i almost always freeze up, but then i think, i have six people on this stage who also want to freeze up, and it makes it a bit easier."

and he rambled on, about his team, his dream, his stage and you rambled on with him, about his team, his dream and stage, completely ignoring that this wasn't right.

but when taehyung says, "you know, i also didn't freeze up, 'cause i knew you were watching," you really couldn't give a fuck about anything else when he talked to you this way.

"really?" you can't help but ask.

over the years, you liked to think of yourself as one of the many eyes that watched him on stage, a passing cloud in a sky filled to the brim with clouds, a person in a crowd, an unknown, a stranger.

but today, you weren't just a watcher, nor just an admirer.

no, you were on his mind throughout the performance.

to think you could see his face the entire time and never figure this out, made you aware of little you truly knew about his or other's feelings.

"i'll do better next time, only if you promise to watch then too," his voice drops to a whisper and that feeling of being the flower getting picked in a full garden, crept on you addictively.

"y/n!" taehyung jumped at the sound of a man on the other hand, a question hung from his lips as you hummed back to the man, but the question died in his mouth when he realised it was wooseok.

"hey, i'm so sorry-" but he didn't want to hear.

"it's okay, go."

you linger for a few seconds, taehyung didn't cut the call as your anxious breaths filled the earlier calm, and he starts to hope that you tell your boyfriend to sleep to keep talking to him.

he keeps waiting.

you cut the call.

-

taehyung wasn't one for surprises, hell he's always been hesitant about putting an extra foot forward in any of his relationships, it was terrifying to look back after you put in the extra effort, waiting to see if they would follow or not.

but taehyung knew this.

he knew that whatever feelings he had for you were beyond him, beyond the confines of friendship he pretended was present and he was shivering to let the truth out of him.

so, he was back halfway across the world, in front of your door, with your favourite brownies in one hand and the other hand lingering to knock.

he should be feeling nervous, he should be scared.

but he wasn't.

he stood with the most confidence he's felt in his life, because for once, taehyung was so sure about his love that still had so much more to give.

"taehyung?" your voice, a bud of flower that grew and died and appreared again in his heart, came from behind him.

taehyung bites back a smile.

he was here.

you were here.

he will make this right.

he will make you forget about whoever you love now.

and he turns around with the swagger that only a popstar like him could have.

but taehyung's shoulders dropped, his feet stuttered just the tiniest bit at the sight in front of him.

he was here.

you were here.

and wooseok was also, here.

"oh hey, man," wooseok smiles as he approaches taehyung with a hand held out, coming to stand in front of you and taehyung stared at the hand with a mix of distaste and unfair anger.

"she's told me so much about you," taehyung hears wooseok talk, his hand already in wooseok's, out of the want to not look petty in front of you.

"you too," taehyung lies and you purse your lips, watching the world of your love collide before you.

you always talked about taehyung to wooseok.

but not always about wooseok to taehyung.

"taehyung, i wasn't expecting you..." your voice trails off in a question, and taehyung shrugs, "just wanted to meet you," he bends to look straight at you, ignoring the six foot man between you two.

normally, that statement would make you the happiest person in the world.

he had just finished a global performance so, him taking time out to see you was special in ways that only you two could understand.

"actually, we were just going to dinner," you didn't want to leave taehyung hanging but you had plans with wooseok, your actual boyfriend.

"oh! that's no issue, why don't you come along with us?" wooseok offers and you want to disagree because you know you're not that good of a liar, you're not even a half-good actress.

and you signal to taehyung to shake his head, leave, and come back when it was just you.

but taehyung grins.

"i'd love that."

only you notice the challenge in his voice.

-

at the restaurant, you sat beside wooseok with a stiff spine and tingly fingers.

on one hand, it was exhilirating to be so close to taehyung.

on another hand, you couldn't even look at wooseok without your guilt plummeting your heart to the ground.

sitting in front of taehyung with someone else beside you, made you realise how wrong it felt it be with anyone else but him.

you did like wooseok.

but you would never like anyone as much as you liked taehyung.

"meeting her was like fate, you know when it just feels right?" wooseok rambled, his words should've made you feel on top of the world but instead, you shifted uncomfortably on your seat.

taehyung twisted his fingers around the rim of his glass, rotating it and nodding with a sarcastic smile on his face, his eyes meeting yours with a confidence that only a man who loves, can have.

he does know.

he knows better than wooseok.

"anyway, gotta run to the washroom, y/n, order for me, yeah?" wooseok kissed you on the top of your head before leaving the table.

you didn't know what he liked, he didn't know what you liked but you nodded anyway.

taehyung watched the exchange with tight fingers around his glass.

when it was just the two of you, the gap in wooseok's seat was not missed, the gap felt like too much of a distance so, you changed your seat without thinking of wooseok or anything else.

and right next to taehyung, your spine relaxed.

when the waiter comes, you stutter to order wooseok's order, "m-maybe steak? yeah, he probably likes that," and taehyung orders too.

"he seems nice," taehyung unwillingly lets out as the waiter disappears and you nod without meeting his eyes, "i told you, he's chill."

"how is anyone chill about you?"

your eyes water.

no one else could see it, not wooseok who thought he was doing everything right, not your friends who thought wooseok was perfect for you, not you until today but taehyung did.

taehyung saw how ridiculous it was to love someone in a 'chill' way and now, he definitely knew that you weren't crazy about your boyfriend.

"he's good to me," you say instead of falling into his arms and taehyung frowns, "i know he is but is that all there is? you don't even know what he likes to eat."

"what are you trying to say, taehyung?"

"i'm not," he pauses, sighing, "i'm not trying to start something between you, i'm happy if you are, but you always knew what i liked to eat."

"no, i didn't."

but you did.

and he knew that too.

"yes, you did, i know you too," he didn't mean just the food but the conversation was pissing you off.

"at least he doesn't plan on walking out of my life when it's inconvinient for him."

there it was, the elephant in the room.

the truth that you danced around but never held hands with.

you don't look at taehyung but you know the face he's making, you know that the truth had more layers than him just leaving you, you know that the truth should've never come out of your mouth.

"i'm back," wooseok sang, eyebrows raising at the sudden closeness between you and taehyung, and the tension in the air.

you smiled at him, gritting your teeth behind that smile and wooseok smiles back.

taehyung watches, once again, and you feel his eyes burning into the side of your face.

he stays silent as you and wooseok continue talking, he stays silent when wooseok pushes a strand of your hair behind your ear, he stays silent when wooseok makes you laugh even if he knows that the laugh is strained.

then, taehyung gets up.

"thank you so much for inviting me, i need to go though, good night, and um take care the two of you," this time, you're silent as wooseok tries to convince taehyung to stay but it's only when taehyung walks away, that you realise you have so much to say.

so, you get up too.

wooseok grabs your wrist, in that gentle, careful way that you liked in the beginning.

when he looks at you, you know that he knows, that if you walk away now, you weren't coming back, at least not to him.

"come on, you know i am better," he says with the ego that you only knew he had.

you always saw signs in him, signs that maybe he wasn't as good as he always seemed, and his grip tightening on your wrist was your wake-up call.

he was only chill because he was with other people, he was chill because he was making the same mistakes you were, he was chill because he didn't want you to ask him questions.

"i don't actually, get your stuff out of my place, yeah?" you don't even look at him after saying that because you had somewhere else to be.

somewhere warmer.

somewhere with taehyung.

and racing out of the hotel, your heart matched the fast pace of your feet, every step felt so far and so close to taehyung.

when you see him, you almost cry out of relief.

when he sees you, he knows what you've left behind.

"what are you doing here?" he holds by your elbows, fingers running circles and eyes so glazed with concern at your fast breaths.

"taehyung," you breath out, your jaw stuttering at the sight of him, eyes filling with the tears that have been holding back for so long and he shakes his head, regretful and pained by the hurt he knew you were feeling.

"listen, i shouldn't have come back, i shouldn't have meddled with you business, i had no right to, i'm sorry, okay? this is my fault, just please...don't cry,"

but all you hear is, 'i should've never come back to your life.'

"are you seriously dumping me again?" you laugh bitterly, the sadness gone and buried, the anger from your past erupted before you could even see it coming.

"what? no," he immediately disagrees and opens his mouth to argue but you're looking away at the traffic, you're not even listening and he's lost you.

again.

"i love you, that's never changed," he starts again because while he let his first chance go, he wasn't going to do it a second time.

"but i couldn't bear the thought of my career hurting you, i didn't want people to make comments, i never wanted the ugly side to ever reach you, i didn't leave you because i wanted to," he should've said this years ago, but taehyung wasn't brave enough then.

"i wanted to tell my management to fuck off, i wanted everyone to fuck off but i couldn't. now, i can! i can tell them to fuck off but you..." his hand lifted towards the restaurant where wooseok still sat and he waves it away, head dropping to the ground.

watching him look so defeated in front of you made you feel sick to the stomach.

"maybe i want to be hurt, have you ever thought of that?" you seeth, angry that he made the choice for you then and even now, "did you ever think that maybe i wanted to stand with you and tell them all fuck off too? did you even let me choose that for myself? no, you decided to be some hero and leave me behind."

"you would've stayed?" taehyung always believed that anyone would leave, but he should've known you.

and the delicateness in his tone isn't amiss on you, your anger melts and you're now standing in front of a taehyung with the same tenderness in your flesh.

"taehyung, i would've stayed anywhere as long as you were there, you're the only one who sees me as me." you're stepping closer and his breathing comes easier.

"i didn't go a day without thinking of you," he confesses, in the confines of the space between you two which was reducing by the second.

"i never want you to stop thinking of me," you confess, you needed the obsession that came with love, the lingering eyes, the soft touches and you needed taehyung's love, taehyung's eyes, and taehyung's soft hands which were still on you.

"i can tell my management to fuck off tomorrow," taehyung smirks and you giggles, hands reaching towards him, "i'll come along."

taehyung knows that there's cameras around, he knows people are watching which is exactly why he bends down to gather you in his arms and kiss you for the world to see, proving to them just how not 'chill' he was when it comes to you.

a fishing rod, of all things, seemed the most logical and you took it out of its bag with pride, you had haggled for the lowest price possible for this little one.

"let's go," you sang to yourself, preparing the bait and sat on the rough sand, looking up videos on how to fish.

and paused.

fuck.

you didn't have a boat, this had to be some kind of sick joke, you stared down at the shiny rod in your hands with disdain.

but.

you were here searching for someone you met forever ago, you couldn't possibly get more ridiculous than that.

so, you threw the rod, from the shore into the shallow waters and happily hummed, ignoring how you might look to others.

-

jungkook wasn't a man to believe in miracles.

hell, he's never left anything to fate, he's always chased after it, hunted it down and this was no different.

it's been twenty years.

"what the hell?" he whispered to himself, squinting his eyes at the sea which was too far away from him, in utter disbelief of the shit he was seeing.

then, he shook his head.

if finding you meant staring at some crazy woman fishing at the shoreline at the crack of dawn, he would bear it.

but he would find you.

you would remember, right?

you wouldn't forget him, you never could, you would hold him close to his heartbeat, the way he did.

right?

jungkook turned back around to his room with a hand on his chest and a ache developing at his temple, telling his heart to wait, telling his heart it would glow again.

he misses the flicker of light blinking in his chest and so do you at the shore.

only a couple days now.

-

"so, fishing clearly went well," your husband mused at the hoard of wet covers that you took a picture of, and you pouted, "i really tried," he let out a loud laugh before leaning in to kiss your temple.

"it's okay baby, we'll rent a boat next time, then you can properly try, yeah?" though there was no glow, you still felt yourself getting warm at his words, "besides, what were you doing up so early? we could've gone together, i could've taught you," he bumped your shoulder with his but you grew rigid.

you had to tell him, right?

at some point, you had to, he deserved better than a lying and emotionally cheating wife.

and no other time seemed better than right now, when you weren't too far gone, when you could still be honest and when he could still leave you.

"babe, can you sit down for a second?"

"but breakfast time is going to be over soon," he frowned and you held back a smile, of course, while you were in the middle of a life-changing event, he was thinking about breakfast, he still was the man you loved.

"this is important," you watched the second that the thought of breakfast flew from his head, throwing everything away because you had something important to say.

he took your hand in his, and your vision grew blurry.

the words were stuck in your throat.

"is everything okay, baby?"

you couldn't say it, you couldn't bring yourself to voice it out so, you did the next best thing, you shoved the picture from your past into his hands.

and one of his hands stayed on you, the other traced the picture, you felt your stomach bottom out as his eyes reached your baby face, "this is you."

"yes, it is."

"it's that beach out there?" rob looked up at you and you nodded.

you didn't have to say anything else.

the next thing he caught was the faint light shining through your swimming suit...and the boy next to you, with the same light shining from inside his chest.

"you're not an anomaly."

you're not like me.

you swallowed, trying to keep yourself from crying, "i am not," and you watched again, as the realisation dawned on him.

you had a soulmate.

you didn't need to settle for an anomaly.

for him.

his hand on you loosened.

and you felt the world slip under your feet.

but.

his hand tightened again.

-

"how the fuck are you going to find her? you don't even know what she looks like right now," jungkook didn't answer his friend, who was sitting across from him with a scowl on his face.

jimin meant well. he knew he did.

he knew how crazy he might've seemed too, but he couldn't put sanity above his destiny, he didn't mind looking crazy if it meant finding you.

and jimin saw that, clear as day, on his friend's face, that he wasn't going to give up.

jimin sighed, "fine, i'll help," and jungkook looks up at him with widened eyes, jimin had been against this since the day jungkook told him about his adventure.

"but, only for five days, then we're out of here," jimin declared, going back to eating his breakfast and just as jungkook opened his mouth to protest, "if she really is your soulmate, you'll find her by then."

and jungkook couldn't argue, he knew there was no changing jimin's mind so, he settles to people watch.

a kid who ran around with his parents on his tail.

an old woman picking bread up from the station.

a tense couple.

he turns back to jimin, "i'm going to find her, you can leave but i'm not giving up, and that's final."

-

it was a new day, you spent all of yesterday consoling your husband and balming his emotional wounds even dragging him to breakfast before it closed so he could at least be fed and upset, but he took it better than you thought.

"what color was his hair again?" rob glanced around the beach and you snickered, "you don't have to help me, babe," and he shakes his head, "i want to help."

you pause from setting up your sand castle making tools, you didn't deserve this kindness, this grace, this person.

you were an emotional mess these days, tearing up at the drop of a hat was your new hobby but so much of your life could change and you weren't sure if that change was going to be good, you just knew that it was necessary.

"i don't deserve you," you whisper but he catches it, he leans down, taking some tools from your hands and spreading them around, "i love you, you don't have to deserve me for that, you just have to exist."

your fingers dug into the sand until the grains caused abrasions but outwardly, you smiled, kissed his cheek and whispered 'i loved you too.'

he hears the past tense, but he smiles and nods.

these glimpses of who you loved, were more stressful than finding jungkook, because what if you find jungkook and he's not just what you've made up in your head?

what if he's not the sweet boy he was?

what if he never tells you that he loves you?

what if you're giving up on a wonderful person for someone who maybe doesn't even remember you?

what if the whole soulmate system was bullshit?

but until you met jungkook, you had to give the whole situation the benefit of doubt.

"now, let's make some unbreakable sand castles!" you cheer, getting on your knees and patting the wet sand and your husband shakes his head, "this is all you, b- y/n, i'm going to go over there and read my book, you have fun," he ruffles your hair before leaving to relax on a lounge chair.

him holding back on calling you baby, stung you, even if it shouldn't.

you would probably never hear him call you baby again, you would probably never wake up next to him again, you would never know which book he's reading, which food he's eating, who he loves, who he doesn't, nothing, you would know nothing.

you took quick glances at your husband and the beach from time to time, while you tried to make a sand castle, he became a stranger to you the more you kept looking at him and every other man on the beach looked like jungkook.

you did that until the sky turned dark, your skin grew wrinkly and your husband finished his book, and he had to gently lift your defeated body from the sand and take you away.

you wept and apologized the entire night into his shoulder, for not finding jungkook, for being so cruel to your husband, for being so selfish and him being him, he consoled you and hugged you to sleep.

he whispered some reassurance when your tired eyes gave up on crying.

"you're not an anomaly, if you have a soulmate, you should find him and until you do, i'll be there and if you don't..i'll still be there."

-

surfing was next on your list, and just like everything else, you weren't too good at it, and after several trials (and drownings), you sat at the shore with the board at your feet.

"don't beat yourself up, the waves are harsh these days," you heard someone say and when you looked up, your heart beat so fast that maybe, just maybe, the universe somehow guided jungkook right to you.

you took your time to look at their face, their entire face was engulfed by the sunlight so, you put your hand above your head and squinted.

it was a cute guy but he wasn't jungkook.

he didn't have sparkly eyes, he had very beautiful eyes but not the eyes of your soulmate.

damn it.

"thank you," you gave him a small smile, disappointment filling your chest and he nodded, "my name's jimin, i could teach you the basics if you'd like."

then, his phone rang, he politely excused himself to take the call and you heard bits and pieces.

"did you find anything? nothing?...here at the beach...no, no one here...i doubt the resort's bingo game will be the place...well, you go."

and you considered his offer for a moment as he approached you again, you smiled at him before saying, "thank you for the offer jimin, my name's y/n, but i think i'll head back to my husband now."

"no worries, have a good day!" he smiled back and walked away, and you were left by yourself, sopping wet and upset, once again.

you clutch your hand to your heart, it was no longer patient, it was tired, exhausted and in so much pain from being so cold for so long.

you go back to rob that night, he holds you like he always does, he loves you like he always does and you slowly accept that his love was the rest of your life, he was the rest of your life.

and maybe, not today or tomorrow, but maybe someday, you will grow to love him again and forget all about the kid your heart glowed for.

-

"i swear i thought it was her but then she said husband so, guess not," jimin ranted his ear off next to jungkook, who looked through the resort's records with an intensity that made his eyes burn.

jungkook could care less about his friend right now.

he had just lied his head off to get access to the registry of people who checked in and he searched fervently for your name.

maria.

steve.

lacey.

wooshik.

carrie.

rob.

yeri.

but your name wasn't there.

he sighed, closing the book and squinting his eyes shut.

it's been days.

he wants to find you, hug you, light up your heart but every day, jungkook feels himself getting further away from that possibility.

"hey man, it's okay, we'll find her," jimin squeezed his shoulder and jungkook gave him a half-smile, "how can anything be okay right now?"

and jimin puts his hand down, feeling the weight of jungkook's words.

if jungkook didn't find you, he might never have a soulmate, he might never get the chance to love you, cherish you, hold you and he would spend his entire life alone.

jimin gently guided jungkook to the closest restaurant, urging him to feed himself and he stuffs his face, letting himself feel whole somehow.

it's only when jimin drags his plate away that jungkook breaks down in his chair, his hair hovering over his eyes, his tears flooding his cheeks and his loud sobs make jimin go over to his side and hug him.

he felt ridiculous, crying with crab sauce all over his chin but he couldn't stop, he couldn't stop pitying himself for the long and lonely road he might have ahead.

that night, just as they start drifting off to sleep, jungkook makes a decision.

"let's go back tomorrow."

jimin doesn't know what to say, "are you...sure? you're so close."

"i might be close or the furthest away i've ever been."

then, jimin nods, "whatever you want, dude. i'm here."

and when jimin's snores invade the sound around him, jungkook sinks into himself, accepting his solitary lifestyle, accepting that his heart will never glow again.

he dreams of you.

in flickers, like flashes of light, in happiness and pain, an unknown face is all over his dreams but he knows it's you.

-

rob stood a couple feet away, watching you balance yourself on the surf board, by balancing, laying flat on your stomach and floating.

he still felt the need to supervise.

"careful!" he yelled after you as you somehow managed to be unsteady even on your stomach and you wave him off.

he knew how tough the last couple of days were for you, you cried yourself to sleep every day and he knew that he could've been not-so-okay with his situation, but rob also knew that he could never stand in the way of you finding your heart.

it took him time but he knew he had to reunite you with your soulmate and move on with his life, find someone else to love and let you be a pretty memory in his mind.

so, he watched the beach closely for any young man with black hair which, as it turns out...were a lot of men.

then, he heard your scream and his head snapped back to you, flopping your hands as your head went underwater.

it didn't take rob a second to run to you, his heart pounding with every step of his that dug into the sand.

"y/n! y/n!" he yelled, his stomach tightening with enough pressure to snap, and when he finally sees and grabs your hand, he feels himself calm down and when you hang onto him as he pulls you out of the water, he wonder how he'll ever let you go.

he bent down in front of you, "are you okay?" he brushed some drenched hair pieces out of your face and you nodded meekly, rubbing your cheeks, "thank you," you whisper and he sits on his feets, watching you process the situation.

"you saved me," you whisper again, voice breaking and rob doesn't know what to say, he can't tell you he loves you anymore and that it's his duty, he doesn't want that burden on you, "i always will." is what he settles for instead.

you look broken, the days finally showed on your face and he feels your pain for you.

"wait," your eyes fly open, checking your pockets franctically and he bends forward, "what are we looking for?"

"the photograph!" you screech, getting up and running towards the shore, he runs behind you, holding you as you search and when he sees it, stuck to the sand, he simply turns your body towards it and you fall on your knees next to it.

you clutch it to your heart and rob feels the sting of his lightless heart again.

if only he was the one who could glow for you.

but then, you get up, "we should go," and he nods, grabbing the room keys, you shake your head, "we should leave."

he stops in his tracks.

he could have you again.

he could forget this whole thing, live his life with you and not alone, he never felt like an anomaly when he had you.

"are you sure? you're so close." he says, as a courtesy, more than anything.

"or so far, maybe he never came and i'm the stupid one, either way, i want to go," you hand over the photograph to him and though you say it with so much conviction, he sees your hesitance.

"i'm sorry," and he knows what you're sorry for.

if he left now, he would always have only half your heart and half your soul.

"don't be, i told you ill be here," he kissed your cheek.

he would be okay with it.

he wordlessly starts walking away, knowing you were walking with him and tries to reason to himself that this was for the best and he knows you're doing the same.

you were right behind him but you felt like you were on another planet, holding him through some stars that would die soon.

he swallowed the feeling.

then, your foot mangled with your other foot, sending you down to the ground again and before rob turns and lifts you up, another man is bent next to you, helping you to your feet.

he almost rushes over to you but then, the light from your chest starts building, so faintly that he wouldn't have noticed unless he squinted and he looks at the man, his chest was flickering too.

and he stays frozen in time as he watches you two not even notice it, both of you with your minds and eyes far away from each other.

he hears your thank you to the man without meeting his eyes, he sees you look at him and not your soulmate, he can probably get away with it.

but he would only have half of you, you would only be half of you.

so, he walks to over to the both of you, places the photograph in your hands, presses a kiss to your temple and walks away.

maybe he was always meant to only have half of you, he would come to terms with it and until then, he would miss you but for now, he will let you go.

-

your mouth drops open at the photograph and your eyes franctically look at the man beside you, who looks back at you with the round sparkly eyes that you fell in love with.

your soulmate.

your light.

your fate.

"jungkook," you breathed out, and the light from your heart falls on his face, getting brighter by the second and his light falls on you, but you didn't squint, you didn't look away.

he turns the photograph, his childish handwriting stared back at him, his favorite quote from his favorite movie, that he dedicated to you when you were just kids.

"i've wished for you, long before i ever existed, your soul belonged to mine and mine to yours."

you had told him he was dramatic then, but you smiled and blushed at it, you told him to come back to you 20 years later, right here, right where you found each other. it was a joke then but when he became an adult, he knew he was going to make it his reality.

and you were right under his nose, all this time.

he cups your cheek and you melt into his hand, "gotchu," he whispers, laughing soundlessly, blissfully and you're laughing with him, eyes teary and chin shaking.

your hearts burned brighter than the sun.

"i was right!" jimin cheered from somewhere, dropping his and jungkook's bags into the wet sand.

-

the next day, you were back on the beach, rob had left the night before with a proper goodbye and lots of tears. you sat down and told jungkook everything, letting him know he could leave if he felt uncomfortable with someone else loving you while he was gone.

the choice was all up to him.

the sun came strong on your eyes and face and you covered your face, squinting and jungkook lifted an umbrella to shield you from the harsh light as you got back to learning how to fish.

"i love you," he chimes from beside you after you pull out a few plastic bags and you hide your face away from him, "i will love you too." and he nods happily, "can't wait," and you laugh out loud.

he finally pieced together that you were the crazy woman he had been seeing everywhere and nowhere.

and he couldn't call it anything else but a miracle, a destiny, a fate, his soulmate right around him and now, with him.

he stayed glued to your side, when you left the resort, when you got back to your town, when you cooked, when you cleaned, when you cried, when you laughed, your soulmate stayed right beside you, heart gleaming and full.

and your heart stayed alight, a weight of the light fulfilling every wish you asked from the universe.

hearts glowed when soulmates met soulmates.

and you had finally found yours.

"no, but i'm letting you go," he doesn't turn to you, namjoon doesn't dare to look at you because if he does, he would be begging on his knees for you to never leave.

so, he only watches from his periphery when you purse your lips, he only watches when you kiss his temple, when you whisper goodbye, and namjoon gets up from his seat when you're gone.

this was it.

the end.

the beginning.

the- whatever the fuck it was.

he's done the right thing.

you deserve a gentle love, you deserve a love that feels like a hug, not like a choke, and he knows that even if he tries, he can never be that.

he was going to let you go and he was going to respect you walking away.

"hello?" namjoon answers his loud phone mindlessly, "um- so, this is awkward but i left my sunglasses in the guest room, can you bring it up to my hotel later tonight?"

namjoon almost laughs at himself, he was preparing himself for a lifetime without your voice and face but he would be seeing you in a couple hours.

"of course."

and the call ends, namjoon's heart grows giddy.

he's let you go but he's always going to want to see your face.

-

when the time nears, namjoon walks into his guest room, it was a modest room, nothing too special, nothing too big but comfortable.

he sighs when the pillows you've forced him to buy over the years, decorate the bed, he also sighs at the wallpaper you chose and oh, there it is, the lamp you chose.

he guesses that the room was maybe a bit more special than he'd believed, the only evidence left in his life that you were present in it.

he will change everything later.

and as he digs through the closet, he finds your lipstick at the corner, he grabs it too, then your moisturiser, he rolls his eyes as he collects each and everything you've left behind.

each item fills him with grief, he grips them tighter than he should, he's not ashamed to admit that he sniffed a hoodie you stuffed in there.

namjoon isn't a loser, he is just a pathetic mess sometimes, he can't help it, even the genius of the music industry had his moments.

but he reminded himself, you would always want more than what he could give and he would always hate himself for it so, he soldiers on, he takes everything into covers, texts you for your hotel and gets into a cab without letting another thought enter his mind.

-

walking up to your hotel room felt daunting, a task he couldn't finish and simply come back from, a moment that would bury him further into the hatred he held for himself.

he debates in front of your room.

he could leave.

tell you that he would deliver it through some service.

he could never see you again.

make this easier for him.

but his feet weren't on the same page, they stayed glued onto the carpet which suddenly felt like hot stones and he shakes his head.

this was for you.

and he would do anything for you, even hate and throw himself away.

so, he rings the bell, there was no going back.

and you open, as if you were waiting by the door, he sucks in a breath and forces a smile onto his face.

you only stare back at him and his feet shift, "got your glasses," he waves the box in his hand, "and a bunch of other things," he laughs awkwardly, lifting the other packet in his hands and you pull the door open with no words.

namjoon clears his throat and his fingers itch on the side of his body but he can't touch you, he can't satiate the itch, he can't ignore it so he walks into the room, leaving his mind out of it.

"nice room," he says, then curses himself for being so weird, you nod at him and he places your belongings on top of your bed.

you walk over to the packets and start looking through them, namjoon looks away when your chin starts shaking.

"why?"

he looks at you, eyebrows pinching, "hm?"

"why are you doing this to me?" you turn around with bloodshot eyes and namjoon looks away once again from the misery swimming in them.

"fucking look at me, namjoon!" he shakes his head, staring instead at the fading wallpaper of the room and he's yanked forward by your hands on the collar of his shirt.

he still looks down, his body burns where you touch him but he doesn't let his eyes meet yours.

namjoon thinks he knows what comes next.

a slap.

a curse.

a pain he might never recover from.

so, he waits for his world to crumble again, to crash again, he waits for the trainwreck balancing his life.

but you drop your arms, only to wrap them around his torso, pressing yourself against his body in a desperate way and namjoon is stunned to silence.

and your tears fall, he feels them on his t-shirt, then on his skin and he blinks back his own watery eyes.

"why are you doing this, namjoon?" he doesn't say a word.

"do you hate me that much?"

the question gives him whiplash.

"what?"

"you have to hate me if you let me go this way," and he chokes.

"i could never hate you, y/n, you know that, please don't-"

"then, why are you doing this?" you whisper and your voice is so fragile, so delicate, so much like breaking glass and he sighs.

"please tell me and then let me go, i deserve to know, namjoon, you know that too."

he bites his lip and wraps his hanging arms over your body, his spine shivers when he finally lets himself hold you.

"i can't be everything you deserve," namjoon sighs out, his voice already breaking, and his heart tears open from his chest to tell you, "i'll always fall short, i'll always hold you back from what you deserve, y-you deserve a love that isn't so hard, a love that doesn't require so many sacrfices, i can never give you what you deserve."

your arms weaken around him and he accepts his reality.

you would finally see what he's been seeing since he's fallen for you.

"i don't want an easy love." you stare straight at him and he shakes his head, "you're only saying that now-"

"let me finish," and namjoon shuts up.

"i don't want an easy love, i don't want a love that doesn't need sacrifice," you suck in a breath, "i just want you,"' namjoon's feet sway, "i just want you and whatever love comes with you."

namjoon wants to believe it.

he wants to believe that someone could love him like that.

but.

"you don't mean that," he shakes his head again and you cup your palm onto his mouth, "you're not a mind reader, namjoon, you don't know everything, do you love me?" your eyes shine with unshed tears and he points at the hand covering his face.

you sheepishly remove it, "i do."

"i do too, do you want me in your life?"

"i'll always do." his stomach bottoms as the reality of a life without you flashes in his eyes.

he doesn't like that life.

"great, now help me pack this stuff, we have to go back home," you wipe your tears away and namjoon stays stuck on the carpet which was soft now, which was a cloud now.

at the other end of the hotel room, namjoon's hand falls on yours as you lock it and you look at him.

he looks back.

"i love you, i really do."

and his eyes on yours melts you, "me too, let's go home."

next thing you know, you’re sat next to him near the fireplace, no one seems to mind you both on the floor and you two couldn’t care less about the people around you.

“i opened a gym with one of my friends, it’s doing well, you should come by sometime,” he took a sip out of his cup, you didn’t know what it had, you didn’t ask, “and what, watch you work out?”

jungkook laughs, eyes cinching close and you feel that bubble of pride again, “sure, or you could just work out, like a normal person would,” he pressed his finger to your forehead, tipping you backward and you rolled your eyes, “where’s the fun in that?”

jungkook shook his head at you with his eyes still closed, and when he opened them, there was a dance of amusement, reviving affection and warmth clouding in his pupils and you sucked in a breath.

you stared at jungkook with your knees bent in front of you, hands folded on top of them and your face leaning as close as it could to him without actually touching him and he’s sat, one hand on the floor, one hand dangerously close to your ankles.

jungkook has always let you just stare at him, he allowed you minutes and hours of looking at him without asking questions, without finding it weird, without cringing or getting annoyed, he appreciated your focus on him and you took full advantage of that always.

the fire burned bright on one side of his face and the other side was completely swallowed by the darkness in the room and you wonder how you look to him, if the light played tricks on your face too, if you too looked half-beautiful and half of something he was yet to figure out.

“should we go somewhere?” you look around the party, you wouldn’t be missing much, you have shown yourself to the host, talked to a few people and there was nothing left to do so, you eye jungkook’s waiting hand knowing that once you take it, you would be repeating history.

you put your hand in his, maybe it would be different this time, maybe this time, he’ll fall in love too.

-

in the club, jungkook immediately challenged you to take several shots with him, and soon, it was a competition and neither of you was backing out, neither of you let your eyes stray away from the other and with each stare you caught from him, you earned a full head-to-toe scan that made your palms tingle.

just as your ninth shot burned down your throat, a familiar, too familiar beat floated in the air around you.

the way by kehlani and chance the rapper.

“jungkook, it’s our song!” you practically glowed from the recognition, only to hesitate at the ‘our’ part because it’s been a long time since you’ve shared anything with him and you wait for him to hesitate too, you wait for him to break the bubble you’re in but he screams with you, pulls you away from the crowd and helps you climb onto a table.

you immediately sway with the music, screaming the lyrics into the air and laughing at jungkook’s silly dance moves till your lungs burn, and with every flip of your hair, every move of your hips, and every animated expression on your face, jungkook stared, jungkook cheered and jungkook stayed.

you allowed him the staring too.

there was nothing better in the world than feeling his eyes on you, tracking your every move as if he could mimic them in his sleep, there was nothing better than knowing he would stay, at least for tonight.

as the song ended, jungkook let you drop into his arms where he spun you around and you curled around him, high-pitched laughter still ringing from your throat, his own head was thrown back in joy and he carried you bridal-style all the way back to your table, while whispering sweet nothings into your ear.

you’re sure your face is red, you’re sure your pulse is high, and you’re sure you haven’t stopped smiling since the second you saw jungkook.

this was how it was with jungkook, all joy, all wild, all free, and all love.

until it wasn’t.

…just kidding, you just had a bit too much to drink.

“i told you we shouldn’t have taken that last shot,” you groaned, head lulling on jungkook’s shoulder and his entire body shook under you, you smiled to yourself, feeling his happiness on you was always so strange, so precious.

“i did tell you to not take it but you went ahead with it anyway,” he tsked at you, holding you to the side of his body so you couldn’t fall and you whined in response, “you were winning, what was i supposed to do?”

“let me win?” jungkook tilted his head at you and you narrowed your eyes at him, “never.”

his phone rings and you know it’s not you, and you feel especially weird when he immediately cuts it, not even letting it ring for two seconds.

you raise your eyebrows at that but bite your tongue.

he notices.

“it’s nothing important,” he shrugs it off but his shoulders remain tense.

“i didn’t ask,” you say immediately, turning your body away but you feel bad when he sighs, he didn’t have to cut a call for you, you weren’t anything but a friend to him.

you expect him to say good night and leave, you expect him to say that he wasn’t so happy to see you tonight.

but jungkook’s full of surprises and just as you prepare to apologize for your reaction, his eyes brighten up at the sight of a toy claw machine, and you know what’s on his mind.

“you told me you have to go home, right?” he slowly slips his arms from around you to hold you by your hands instead and you don’t like where this is going, or this is exactly how you wanted tonight to be.

“jungkook, no,” he inches towards the machine with a pout on his face, “how about i win you, not one, not two but three plushies? then will you come to mine?”

“to do what?” you huff out though your cheeks reddened at his fingers caressing the side of your face, your skin sings where he touches and his whisper “to you know,” leaves you gasping, but he doesn’t know your struggle, he shrugs and moves away.

that gives you a second to breathe and you roll your eyes to mask your desperation, “i don’t know, jungkook.”

“to talk, silly! where did your dirty mind go?” jungkook gently flicks your temple and you bite back a smile, “so, we just talk?”

“of course, i’m a nice guy,” he says then turns to smirk at you, “you know that,” and your body rushes with a wave of everything that happened between you two.

he had meant it lightheartedly, but now, all you could think of was, no, he wasn’t very nice, he wasn’t very nice sometimes in the middle and was definitely not nice towards the end.

but you weren’t either.

“so, we have a deal?” jungkook reaches the machine and his face lights up with red, blue, and green, and he looks over at you, excitement practically bouncing off his body and everything shoves itself in again.

you nod.

he wins you a panda, a bunny, and a tiger.

he carries you all the way to his home.

and doesn’t look at his phone once throughout the night.

-

jungkook’s apartment was no longer tiny, jungkook wasn’t a tiny college student anymore, he was all big and buff with galaxy eyes, and his apartment was just like him, with sharp corners and soft lights.

you stared down at the ceiling fan that rotated over and over again, refusing to move an inch, refusing to acknowledge the light pouring in from the windows, refusing to believe that your night with jungkook was already over.

you didn’t want to get up and find the apartment empty.

you didn’t want to realize that you wasted your time again.

if you got up and ran, leaving everything behind, jungkook would be a ghost again, and after last night…you don’t think you have it in you to leave.

then, your phone rings, a loud disruption to your quiet, worrying thoughts and you grab it quickly.

‘FRIEND (?)…calling’.

apparently, you weren’t too drunk to change jungkook’s contact in the middle of the night.

“hello?” you whispered into the call and his small laugh burst in from the other side, “come out, sleepyhead, how much longer will you sleep?”

and you melt.

quite literally.

your entire body falls back on the bed with a sense of calm that can only come after a storm.

“you’re still here,” you mumble, more to yourself than to him and he hums, “well, it is my house so,” and your head falls to the side with a smile growing.

he was still here.

god, relief was so sweet.

you step out of his bedroom on your tiptoes, as if your noise would ruin this moment, and jungkook peeks from the corner, the phone still pressed to his ears, and grins, “you won’t believe this.”

“what?” you look around and he presses the phone closer, “the prettiest girl in the world just showed up inside my apartment.”

and you know if any other man said it, you would cut the call, gather your belongings, and block them as soon as you were out of their place.

but it’s jungkook.

everything is different with jungkook.

“oh, inside your apartment? sounds like you have a stalker,” you play along and he frowns playfully and nods, “i’m pretty sure i saw her near my gym,” and you burst out laughing.

“okay pretty, shut up and get here, i’m making you pancakes,” he presses a kiss into the phone and drops it only to pick you up in his arms and place you on the counter.

your heart was pounding in your ears as you took the scene in.

jungkook is in a tank top and apron, flipping pancakes, and the sunlight is falling just right on his tattoos. his face is relaxed, soft, and calm, it’s everything you want his face to be like when he’s with you.

you want to pull him in for five hundred kisses.

“taste this, ow,” he picks up a pancake, only to drop it and hiss and his phone decides to ring just as you start to get down, “stay there,” and you slide back on the counter.

you wait nervously as his mumbles carry to the kitchen but you can’t catch any words or hear anything specific. when he comes back, he apologizes, “just family,” with a kiss on your cheek and he continues picking up the hot pancakes, blowing on them, until he seems satisfied and steps forward.

you expect him to put them on a plate, you expect him to make himself pancakes and eat with you.

but jungkook’s always full of surprises.

you can’t think of anything else as you watch with amusement glazing your eyes and he tenderly feeds you the pancake, all while blowing on it and asking you if it is too hot, you shake your head at him, no, it wasn’t hot, it was just a bit hard for your heart to beat at a normal pace right now.

the early hours of the morning pass this way, with a few kisses here and there, with about five pancakes in your system, and smiles, so many smiles.

and as you leave, you can’t help but look back, “i loved this,” you mutter, words a bit shy and slow, and jungkook looks away.

you assume this is it.

you assume this is how it ends.

his phone didn’t ring again but you really didn’t want to know who was on the other side, whether it was family or not, whether it was someone else, you really tried hard to push it to the back of your head.

you were having a good time and that is all.

you walk out casually as if leaving didn’t put another weight on your shoulder, as if leaving didn’t scare you that this would be the last time you see him.

right outside of his door, your ringtone breaks your step.

NOT A FRIEND…calling.

you didn’t change that.

your heart pounds as you pick up, you don’t say a word as his breath fills the call.

“friday night, you’ll come back, right?”

it was two days from now.

“why?”

“cause’, i love spending time with you, and saying it to your face scares me,” he laughs nervously and you clutch your phone tighter.

“you don’t mean that,” your fear speaks and he sighs.

you place a foot forward again, ready to cut the call.

“you know me, you know that i mean it, right?”

you didn’t know him; you know that you can believe his words only for now.

nevertheless, you go back to his door, bang your fist on it, and wait, breathless, maybe a bit desperate too.

when he opens, his eyes are on the floor and your eyes are on him, your phones stay connected in your hands.

you pick up your phone, press it to your ear, “and i mean this, i loved this morning, i loved last night too.”

i loved you.

a lifetime ago, but you did.

and he smiles, presses his phone back to his ear, “i’ll see you friday.”

-

“and you’re sure they won’t mind me here?” you ask once again as jungkook leads you into a garden party, and he rolls his eyes at you, “they don’t and if you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, we will leave, how does that sound? just tug on my sleeve, and we’re out.”

you were glad the sun had set outside and he couldn’t see your face because you’re sure that your eyes were drowning in love.

who would’ve thought that he would be back in your life, seemingly in a more stable way than last time?

of course, you happily ignored that it’s only been two days since you’ve known the new jungkook.

everyone walked up to jungkook, smiling big and wide at him, hugging him, telling him how glad they were that he was here and you felt left out, even if his hand never left yours, even if he only wrapped one arm around anyone who came to him but you couldn’t shake it.

there was a point in your life when you knew everyone who knew jungkook, anyone who was his friend was your friend, you didn’t talk to any of those people now and all the new faces made your head spin.

how much time had passed?

why did it feel so long and short?

why did you feel both excited to uncover his life again and sad that there was such a big part of it that you had no clue about?

“she is my…” jungkook trailed off, awkwardly chuckling and rubbing the back of his neck and you’re brought back to the world where his friend stares at you with shifty eyes and a stiff smile.

“friend, good friend, my name’s y/n,” you leave his hand to shake his friend’s, hoping that it alleviates the tension but it seems to have the opposite effect.

his friend quickly introduced himself and coughed, made some excuse, and left.

and you stood there, hand hanging next to your body, so cold from the absence of jungkook’s hand.

“seriously, you couldn’t even say that we’re friends?” you looked up at him with poorly concealed hurt, “but,” jungkook starts but doesn’t finish, instead sighs at the floor and grabbing your hand again, leads you to the garden.

and the warmth of his hand isn’t enough for the ice gathering in your heart.

maybe tonight is it.

maybe tonight is the last time you see him.

“stay here, i’ll get us some hot chocolate,” he guided you to sit on one of the logs near the bonfire and you sat with pursed lips, you tried to look at his face but he refused to meet your eyes.

just as he’s walking away, you grab his hand, you have to fix this, you have to keep this going and he looks back at you with wide, curious eyes.

“i’m not mad at you, jungkook, so please let’s j-just be normal,” you swallow nervously after you say it, and leave his hand in the air.

you expect him to walk away, you expect him to ignore what you said.

but jungkook is always full of surprises.

he picks your hand back up, this time his sparkly eyes meet yours and he presses a simple kiss to your knuckles.

maybe tonight isn’t it.

maybe tonight isn’t the last time you see him.

the relief you feel is enough to slump your body on the log but it’s short-lived.

you ignore the distinct ring of jungkook’s phone as he walks away, you stare at the fire as if to dare it to burn you too, the anger you feel is both unnatural and too large for you.

“oh my,” you hear and your eyebrows knit together, it was a voice you hadn’t heard in a while.

“it’s so strange to see you here,” you hear his chuckle and feel his hug before you see his face and you melt and stiffen in his arms.

he lets you go in a second, he knows there are boundaries.

your ex was nothing if not courteous.

and jungkook would know that if he wasn’t just watching the exchange from a distance and only caught the hug.

“what are you doing here?” you gush at him and he shrugs, “forced myself to get out of my bed today, i was rotting,” he dramatizes at the rotting and you giggle, “please, i’ve been the same!” you agree with him.

you weren’t rotting in a bed.

you were rotting in a relationship that you know will never go forward or backward instead.

you shake the thought away; you don’t need that in your head right now.

you exchanged more small talk with him, laughed at his stories, and felt peace for a few minutes, you both ended on good terms and you still considered him your friend.

maybe you two would’ve worked out if jungkook wasn’t back in your life.

but it wasn’t long before he waved bye to you and disappeared into the crowd.

and jungkook comes back with two mugs in his hands.

you thank him quietly as you take one and sit back down, he calmly sits beside you, and you look everywhere but at him.

seeing your ex, especially when you ended on good terms, always left you uneasy and questioning everything you had in front of you.

“you’re not going to tell me who your friend is?”

there it was.

the jungkook you hated.

“he’s my ex and also yes, my friend, like you and me,” you replied, gripping the mug tighter, you hated that you even had to explain yourself to him but you knew you’d hit a nerve when his jaw clenched.

you can’t care less about that right now.

sometimes you wondered how you ever loved him.

you blew on your hot chocolate and looked straight ahead.

jungkook sighed, for the 100th time this night you feel and the sound was starting to annoy you.

“you know-“ and you’re interrupted.

jungkook grabs the side of your body and presses you close to him, drops a few marshmallows into your hot chocolate, and kisses the top of your head.

your anger dissipates.

your annoyance disappears as if it was never there.

sometimes you wonder how you ever loved him, other times you wonder how you ever stopped.

“i was just asking babe,” he mumbles into your hair and you don’t move a muscle, you stay uncomfortably wound up against him, “let’s enjoy this, yeah?” jungkook smiles, with his whole face and you can’t remember any point of the night that upset you.

for now, it’s just jungkook laughing at you as you sip on scalding hot chocolate and burn your tongue.

for now, it’s just jungkook kissing you and saying, ‘you should be all good now!’.

for now, it’s just you burying your face in his coat when he continues to pepper kisses on your face.

for now, it’s just jungkook and another night of loving him.

-

you clutched the bunny plushie in your hands as you watched jungkook get ready for bed, it was strange still, watching him in his home, moving around so casually around you.

he catches you staring, his shyness peaks through and a small smile builds on his face, you let your eyes fall shut when he leans forward to leave a pillow-soft kiss on your forehead.

“you want to eat something?” you shake your head, “we could get ice cream?” he offers again and you feel the heat in your cheeks, the affection in his voice hiding in the simplest questions was throwing you off.

“you know, i love this,” you’ve said this before, you know you have and jungkook’s face almost breaks because of his grin, “will you believe me if i say i love this more?”

“never.” and he chuckles, he steps forward in his t-shirt and pajama pants, the hottest he’s ever looked to you and you appreciate your view.

“but i love this more,” you think he’s challenging you, but he immediately follows with, “believe me?” and jungkook’s voice is so soft, his piercing blends into the moonlight, his eyes sparkle like never before, you have to hold yourself back from professing a lifetime of love.

“okay, i believe you,” and you close your eyes again when he kisses you, savouring the seconds, minutes, hours, or whatever else you have left with him.

you ignore his phone buzzing on the nightstand, you ignore his ignorance over the ringing, you swallow your panic when his arms wrap around as if they’re a part of your body.

you ignore his breathy whisper of, “i missed you,” and you ignore your own shaky voice when you whisper back, “i missed you like the earth misses the moon in the morning.”

for now, it was another night of loving jungkook.

-

the next morning, you wake up to murmurs from beside you, you barely open your eyes to see jungkook whispering into his phone and it’s not you on the other end, you pinch your eyes closed and turn away.

history.

it was back and you couldn’t stop it this time.

just like every other time.

when you first met jungkook, you were college students, both immature and more toxic than you would ever admit, you always woke up to empty beds after nights with him and he always found you on your boy best friend’s shoulder after a fight.

you would yell at each other; you would ask the other to adjust and understand but both of you refused to change anything about yourself to fit the other better. at the end of the day, he always ended up at your door and you always ended up at his.

you always crashed back into each other, a wave of kisses, love that came from almost losing each other, and also hatred, that you couldn’t go anywhere else.

the crash came more than five times during your college days and each time, you were bored of the cycle and so burdened with his love and yours, and the last time, you had blocked him and ignored his existence on any social media platform

you closed the door when you saw someone else in his apartment, he didn’t open his when he read your messages with your best friend.

that was then.

this was now.

in between, was a lot of growth and time.

you thought things had changed.

but you thought that every other time too, didn’t you?

“just speak normally, don’t mind me at all,” you mumble and as if a scratch in a record, everything buzzes around you for a minute, noisily, uncomfortably the voices in your head come back with a vengeance.

jungkook falls silent.

you bite your lip hard enough to feel the taste of metal spread on your tongue, as if a poison coming to kill you at this moment slowly but the poison was this room, the poison was these feelings you never let go of, and the poison was jungkook.

maybe no amount of time can fix you and him.

he always surprises you by leaving you, right when you’ve convinced yourself that he won't.

you only hear him say into the phone, “no, we can’t anymore,” and then only feel his hand on your shoulder.

but you’re already getting up, you’re putting your clothes on, you’re brushing your hair away from your face, and keeping your eyes on everything but him.

this was a dance you knew too well.

the dance of leaving and being left.

“wait, wait!” jungkook runs behind you, and you don’t pause a step, but eventually, he stands between you and the door.

“please, just let me explain,” he pleads, grabbing the sides of your arms, you feel like you’ve been burnt, you immediately shake them off and stand rod-straight.

“who was it?”

“right, i-“

“i don’t want any bullshit explanations or reasons, just tell me who is it.” you try to remain calm but your voice shakes with the rage you feel, and your eyes fill with tears with how intensely your anger ran through your nerves.

“please don’t cry, it really isn’t what you think,” he wipes the corner of your eyes but it only makes you angrier, he keeps saying everything but what you want to hear.

“shut the fuck up, jungkook! just tell me who is it? why do you keep taking the calls in secret? why do they call you so many times?” you prod your finger to his chest, you wanted every question to hit him like a bullet, the same way every ring of his phone left you bleeding.

“okay, okay, fine. she’s someone i was seeing-“

“was or still are?” you brace yourself, arms immediately crossing to hold your guard up.

“was,” he sighs and you feel like punching a wall, “why are you lying to me? if you aren’t seeing her anymore, why does she still call you?!” you yell, stomping into the apartment, wanting to break something, anything and he’s right behind you, hot on your heels.

“do you really want to talk about exes? do you?” he’s in your face, accusation and anger just as clearly written on his face as it was written on yours.

“yeah, i do, cause unlike you, i don’t hide my exes, i don’t answer their calls when i’m with you, i don’t entertain any communication unlike you,” you get all up in his face, fists clenching and unclenching beside your body and jungkook steps back with a mocking laugh resounding around you.

“oh really? you want to act like this now? you want to lie now, is that who you’ve become?”

“don’t be so fucking vague, jungkook, tell me in clear words, what the fuck is your problem?”

“you’ve been messaging him, i saw it on your screen so don’t even think of lying to me,” his chest rises and falls rapidly and you frown, “what messages?”

he knew your password, that wasn’t a big deal, you had told him that but what did he see that you didn’t?

“your ex, the one you were so starry-eyed for yesterday, left a very sweet message for you this morning, you would love it,” he laughs again, the sound still cut you harshly, you never missed the softness in his voice as much as you did right now.

you were offended, you were only ever starry-eyed for one person and he was standing in front of you.

you took your phone out, your fingers and hands shaking from both residual anger and fear of what you would see on your screen.

and surely, a text from your ex, who you thought had the decorum to leave you alone lingered in your inbox.

THE NICE ONE: you looked really pretty last night, made me think of our good times, give me a call, i’ll fix everything, i’ll make you happier than he does, that much i promise.

a pang of guilt hits you because you had also considered what could’ve been, didn’t you?

but you don’t even care about that right now, do you?

all that matters right now is to fight jungkook, fight until you finally win, fight until you walk away, and never look back.

“you got a sweet name for him too, congratulations to you two,” venom drips from his tone, his voice, his posture and you brace yourself again, you weren’t going to back down, not now.

“what the fuck am i supposed to do if he messages me?” you challenge and he throws his hands in the air, “block him! maybe don’t save him as ‘the nice one’, maybe never let him think that he still has a chance with you?”

“i talked to him the way i would talk to anyone i know, i didn’t let him think anything, i-i didn’t even see this until right now, what do you expect from me?”

“that’s what i am trying to say! what can i do if she keeps calling me?”

“block her! it was so easy for you to suggest it to me but you can’t do that yourself? so what, i’m the only one here still talking to someone else?”

“she’s been calling me but i never picked up, i promise, it was really my family that morning, i only picked it up this morning to tell her that she can’t call me anymore, you didn’t even let me explain,” he breaths out and though you know, that he’s honest, he’s sincere, you still want to fight.

“you’re serious?” you stepped forward again but your head was starting to feel light and loose, your body was too tense to relax anytime soon and you looked at jungkook.

maybe you never stopped wanting to fight him, maybe you never got over whatever you had, or maybe you still held everything against him.

“of course i am, i’m trying to work us out, i’m trying but why is it never enough?” his voice was no longer loud, no longer harsh, it was pleading, it was begging and your eyes tear up for a whole different reason. jungkook’s head dropped and so did the pace of your heartbeat.

this was the first time he acknowledged that there had been a time when you both had tried and failed, over and over again.

you’ve fought with jungkook, you’ve fought with jungkook a lot but not until this point, not until the both of you stood defeated and scared of what the other would say next.

not until you both were tired.

the fight simmers and boils down to nothing again.

“jungkook,” you break the silence and he stands still, his shoulders rise uncomfortably, his fingernails pinch the tender skin of his palm and that’s when you know, he’s scared and so are you.

“are we going to keep doing this until we can’t?” you shake your head as your tears gather again, you feel the devastation spread through your body, “are we going to keep hurting each other until then? i-is that fair?” your knees buckle and his fists clench, jungkook’s eyes squeeze shut and you see the tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

you’ve never seen him like this.

you never want to see him like this.

your heart was growing a hole at the sight of jungkook so defeated in front of you and you had to look away.

“i don’t know what else to do, or how to make this better,” he sniffs and your shoulders drop down further. the feeling of failure dug itself deeper into your skin, and this time, you don’t think the wound will ever heal.

“i don’t either,” you whisper back and this time, he’s the one looking away from the sobs caught in your throat.

sometimes you wonder how you ever loved him, other times you wonder how you ever stopped but you never knew with jungkook, when you would feel something, what would you feel around him, it was always the most or the least but never what you could handle.

you didn’t see a future where you wouldn’t constantly overthink every call jungkook gets and he didn’t see a future where he wouldn’t constantly look over his shoulder for an ex or best friend of yours.

you’ve hurt each other before, intentionally or unintentionally and you know in your heart, that it will happen again.

it didn’t help that you two would never feel what you felt for each other, with someone else, it didn’t help that you loved each other more than you could handle, love couldn’t keep you together, it was too twisted, too cruel and someone had to get up and leave.

“jungkook.” his head snaps up and panic washes over his face but someone has to do this.

you’ll walk away.

this was it.

this was the last time you’d see him.

and it wasn’t for you, it was for him.

“i love you, i don’t think i’ll ever stop, but we both know how this will end,” he’s a lot closer now and his galaxy eyes are on your swollen eyes, on your shaking hands and he sighs, all his sharp edges erode and it hurts more than it ever has when he shakes his head as if he can’t believe it.

“i’m going to fix it, i promise, i will do anyt-“

“and we’ll break it again, you know this,” you say it as softly as you can, and the warmth returns but not for anything good, not for anything that will last, the warmth returns just enough for jungkook to graze the tips of your fingers with his hands and for the sunlight to shine on his red eyes.

“we will, yeah.” he agrees and your hands fall back into his, not to hold onto but to let go. your foreheads hold each other in place until you start to feel that you might never leave.

he lets you stare at him for several minutes, never once shying away from your gaze or questioning it, like he always has and you too let him take you in, for the last time this close.

“i love you too,” he says at the door and you suck in a breath, the wound stays fresh and bleeding but you have to go.

when you pull away, jungkook’s hand stays suspended in the air, waiting for you, even though it shouldn’t.

when you step out of his apartment, you wait for your phone to ring, even though you shouldn’t.

but his hands stay cold and your phone stays silent.

-

parties were boring.

a room full of people you don’t like, having to squeeze between them and their conversations, ignore the spilled drinks on the floor, and trying to keep a pleasant face through all of it, was still the hardest thing to do.

what was harder was seeing jungkook in the other corner of the room and him pretending that he never saw you.

but he still heads straight towards you.

you head towards him too.

but you don’t meet in the middle, you don’t stop for a chat and a smile, you don’t repeat history, you walk right past each other and never look back.

you see jungkook, you gravitate towards jungkook, you lean on jungkook, you like jungkook, and you leave jungkook.

he leaves you too.

-