#name shit

We were up well past when we should have been, ending each conversation with "Good night, for real this time" before someone began talking a few minutes later. We talked a lot, about everything and nothing, and at one point the conversation shifted towards suggesting names for me. One of them listed a few options.

The last one... the last one felt familiar, almost. Like coming home to a place I'd never been before. "Hmm. I kind of like that one."

"It's my friend's brother's name. He's also trans."

"Popular name for Jewish trans guys, then."

Eventually, we all went to sleep, and I spent the next week turning that name around in my mind. Seeing how it felt in my mouth. Hi, my name is...

It felt more natural than my deadname ever did.

A week later, my friends all signed the wall with their names, and I scribbled this new name in sharpie. I'd only had a week, but this felt like something I wanted to keep. Something I was willing to write in a permanent marker.

A day after that, I went home, and I returned to being called by a name that was never mine. I went to school and I introduced myself to every class with that name that didn't fit. Hi, my name is--

It tasted bitter. I had to force the words out, and it made me nauseous.

I told my close friends I was considering a name change, but making it official felt like a point of no return. For better or for worse, this was permanent. And unlike the sharpie, I couldn't simply paint over this.

I shared my name with them on national coming out day. There was no big announcement. I drew as little attention to myself as possible. I changed my name in a Discord server and waited for the others to notice, which took about twelve hours.

Then-

wait who's this?

hang on

[deadname] is that you?

This was it. This was it. This was it.

yep i'm trying a new name :)

My name came from three friends talking when they should be sleeping, months of trying to say it but the word not leaving my tongue, a short message and a smile emoticon. Hardly the heartfelt coming out I'd dreamed of. No one will write a coming of age story about my journey.

But it still means something. It's my name. My friends. My sharpie graffiti. My server profile. My name.

hi basil! i don't think i'm going to add birch actually, i just wanted to see how it feels bc i'm considering it for irl– i like it a lot but the i's feel a little weird and my one reservation is that it sounds a lot like bitch and in fact i read the word birch as bitch constantly (i actually read that as bitch hi join the name cult) idk

it was fuckin nuts is what it was. godfeels was a big part of what cracked my egg so to have it then later name a character the same thing as me in some grand cosmic coincidence made me actively lose my shit. when I was talking about this in the godfeels fanserver when it happened sarah chimed in and sent a screencap of her chat with the fic's collaborators from when I joined the server, including such choice phrases as "RED ALERT RED ALERT" and "the fictives are showing up atemporally now", because this was shortly before that chapter dropped.

im still not sure I've recovered from the fucking whiplash. like, godfeels had a majority stake in fully cracking my egg, the reason for Dare Egbert's name is VERY similar to my own reason for going with Dare, the fact I relate to that Dare's arc of having to accept that your deathwish is fucking stupid and pulling others with you into hope through sheer force of will. just... everything. when that conversation between Dare and X was happening, and the leadup was making it clear where it was going, I was goin fuckin monkey mode. i think part of me still is.