the first rule of courtly love is make out with your bros

As for Afridun, the emperor of Constantinople, along with the king of Rum and his mother, Dhat al-Dawahi, they collected the army commanders and said: "We would have achieved our goal and satisfied our desires, but we failed because we were relying on our greater numbers." Dhat al-Dawahi said: "The only thing that will be of use to you is to seek favour from the Messiah and to hold fast to the true faith. By the truth of the Messiah, the one thing that strengthened the Muslim army today was that devil, Sultan Sharkan." The emperor then said: "Tomorrow, I intend to draw up the army and then send out against the Muslims the famous knight Luqa ibn Shamlut. If he meets Sharkan in single combat, he will kill him and he will then kill the other Muslim champions until not one of them is left. I intend tonight to consecrate you with the finest incense of all." When his men heard this, they kissed the ground, for by the incense he meant the excrement of the Patriarch, the denier and rejecter of the truth. The Christians used to compete with each other for this because of the value they placed on its foulness, and the great Rumi priests would send it through their empire wrapped in pieces of silk and mixed with musk and ambergris. When kings heart of it, they would buy a dirham's weight of it for a thousand dinars and they would send to ask for it to use as incense at weddings, while other priests would mix it with their own excrement, as that of the Patriarch was not enough for ten provinces. The principal kings would mix a little of it with the kohl they used as eye ointment, and they employed this in their treatment of the sick and those suffering from stomach pains.

This damned woman [Dhat al-Dawahi] was a sorceress, skilled in magic and in lies, unchaste, wily, debauched and treacherous, with foul breath, red eyelids, sallow cheeks in a dark face, bleary eyes, and a body covered with scabs. Her hair was grey; she was hunchbacked; her complexion was pallid and her nose streamed with mucus. She had, however, read Islamic texts and travelled to the Haram of Mecca — all this in order to study religions and to become acquainted with the verses of the Quran. For two years she had claimed to follow Judaism in Jerusalem in order to posses herself of all the wiles of men and jinn. She was a disaster and an affliction, with no sound faith and no adherence to any religion. It was because of his virgin slave girls that she spent most of the time with her son Hardub, king of Rum, for she was a passionate lesbian, and if deprived of her pleasure for long, she would wilt away. If any slave girl pleased her, she would teach her this art, crush saffron over her, and fall into a lengthy faint on top of her as a result of the pleasure she received. Those who obeyed her she treated treated well and commended to her son, but she schemed to destroy any who did not.

— Tales of 1,001 Nights, Night 93, trans. Malcom C. Lyons

Suddenly, a fine rider cut a path through the infidels and circled around, cutting and thrusting. He filled the ground with heads and bodies; the infidels shrank from encountering him and their necks reeled from under his thrusts and blows. He had two swords, his sabre and his lances, and carried two lances, his spear and his erect frame, while his long hair served him in place of numbers of men; as the poet has said: Long hair is of no use when is streams out On both sides of the head on the day of battle, Belonging to a young hero with a straight lance, That drinks the blood of the moustachioed enemy

Nuzhat al-Zaman (daughter of the King of Baghdad): "Yes, [I know the Quran by heart]," she said, "and I have a knowledge of philosphy, medicine, the Preface to Science and Galen's commentary on the Aphorisms of Hippocrates, on which I have commented myself. I have read the Tadhkira*, commented on the Burhan, studied the Mufradat** of Ibn al-Baitar**, and can discuss the Meccan Canon of Avicenna. I can solve riddles and set problems; I can talk about geometry and am proficient in anatomy. I have studied the books of the Shafi'ites, as well as the traditions of the Prophet, together with grammar. I have held debates with men of learning and have discussed all branches of knowledge. I am familiar with logic, rhetoric, arithmetic and astronomy. I know occult lore and how to establish the times of prayer. All these sciences I have mastered."

— 1001 Nights, Night 59, trans. Malcolm C Lyons

* Tadhkira = Tadhkirat al-Kahallin ("Treatise on Ophthalmologists")

The Frank told his companions that the result would be decided the next day. After a night's rest, the two rode out and charged against one another. They continued to fight until midday, but then the Frank played a trick. He spurred on his horse, but then pulled it up with the reins so that it stumbled, throwing off its rider. Sharkan pounced on him and was about to strike him with his sword, fearing to prolong the affair, but the Frank shouted at him: "Sharkan, this is not knightly behavior, but the deed of a man who has been overcome by women." When Sharkan heard that, he looked up, stared at his opponent, and found that it was none other than Princess Abriza, whom he had earlier met in the convent. When he recognized her, he threw away his sword, kissed the ground before her, and said: "What led you to do this?" "I wanted to test you in the field," she answered, "and to see how you could stand up to blows given in battle. All my companions are virgin girls. They have overcome your riders on the battlefield and had my horse not stumbled and brought me down, you would have seen how strongly I can fight." Sharkan smiled at this and said: "Praise be to God for our safety and for my meeting with you, queen of the age!"