#mystiles

Almost 1 year.  Almost 1 year to the day that I sent you that message on Instagram.  It’s funny because I had only found out like a few days before that you were single.  I can remember sitting in that office, talking to those other people in your area.  I specifically came down there to shoot the shit and creep on you a bit more.  You hadn’t walked by at all that day.  You were flustered with work and obvious some nonsense going on outside of work.  I just wanted to see you.  Cause an accidental run-in.  Force us to have to speak.  All my other attempts had failed.  I was chicken.

Sitting in that office talking smack with those acquaintances was exhilarating because I was prying.  I was being nosey about everyone but especially you.  Then I heard it.  You were single.  And from the sound of it you were still having trouble with... well we both know now what was going on.

I was leaving that weekend to go to a wedding for a close family friend.  Someone I grew up with really.  I decided that I was going to finally reach out.  But I couldn’t stand the thought of being rejected at work... too embarrassing and not the right place to try to open that door.  I was chicken.  So I decided that while I was safely out of state I could message you.  And if you were uninterested or something that message could be deleted and that would be the end of it.

I was in the car on the way to the wedding on the 18th.  I felt good.  Loved my dress.  My hair was doing what it wanted but it wasn’t flooffed so I was good.  My makeup was pretty much how I had hoped it would turn out.  I still don’t really do my makeup that often.  No need really.  I like it sometimes to accentuate certain features, but really I just wanted to do it because of the occasion.  So I was ready.  I shakily typed up that silly message and hit send.  If that boy wasn’t sitting next to me in that car to tell me about Legos and his new favorite cartoons I am sure I would have flipped out.  I was shocked when you replied so quickly.

I was so excited that you did.  I really didn’t think you were going to.  Before long we had exchanged numbers and spent the rest of the day and evening texting back and forth.  I was elated.  You had been cleaning up at your prior residence and said that you were happy to be reached out to.  It was the best feeling in the world.  We agreed that we would meet up after work for the Pulse March.  I was so stoked.

When I got in to work after my weekend away your smiling face was there.  I didn’t have to watch you walk by wondering about you anymore.  We were able to talk more and it was amazing.  Not long after that initial conversation I pimped out your desk for your birthday.  Your reaction was priceless.  Only about a week later did we make it official.  June is a good month for us for many reasons.  It’s the beginning.

Get to Know Me Meme: 2/7 Male TV Characters - Stiles Stilinski, Teen Wolf

It’s been a busy day.  Busy week.  Busy month and it’s only the 1st.  HA!

Summer is almost over, which means I get a week off.  WOO!  Then Fall starts... so I hope that after we finish setting up that I don’t lose track again.

Work is work... but it’s a great job and great pay and we are already doing great things together.  It’s unbelievable to have someone to go through life with and make positive strides instead of having to follow them around, picking up the pieces in the wake of their destructive behavior.  That is new for me.

The baby has arrived and he is perfect.  Dimples, light hair, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes and one perfect nose.  He is a gift.

We may be able to add to our family in the next few years.  That would be amazing.  I wish we could without assistance.  Especially because I love her nose and dark eyes.  I hope that when we can, we are able to have a baby who shares lineage with us both.  It’s never been really an option after my boy.  Things weren’t right.  But they are so different now.  With my nephew being born I am hopeful that I can follow that dream of having another child.

Life has a funny way of getting fucked up and then straightening out.  I have super high highs and very low lows.  I hope that the better things get as we make strides toward our goals the more balance comes.  I already feel it.  I already know that we are better for each other and better individuals because of the love and support we have for one another.

The group I love had some interesting questions recently... one person asked about exes and staying friends and current significant others remaining friends with their exes.  It made me laugh because everyone was all hyped up on the jealousy stuff.  In some cases I can understand that.  But I don’t really worry about it.  I mean any good, strong relationship is built on trust and honesty.  I choose not to speak to any of mine.  Some I used to keep in touch with have drifted away, following their own life’s paths.  Others I didn’t need the drama, so when I left that was the end.  There is only one that I have to remain in contact with and even then my love knows and she understands why.  Beyond that if I ended a relationship with someone and wanted to remain friends then she would know and I would want to have her get to know them and be comfortable with it.  All these people in the group were all up in arms.  It seemed like jealousy and fear.  Mostly fear of being left, not being enough, being cheated on, being lied to, being alone.  As far as my girl, I tell her a lot that she can be friends with whoever she wants to.  If she feels there is a meaningful friendship to have with an ex that’s her choice.  Those women though, about shit a brick when I said that.  They didn’t understand how I could be so open to it.  When I explained that I trust my girl and I have experienced enough dishonesty in the past.  So if something changed and we couldn’t have an discussion about it, I would walk and I would let her figure her life out.  I tried to put it simply that I don’t have time for bullshit, but she hasn’t done anything to make me not trust her.  So I don’t worry about it.  That was like trying to explain the size of the known universe with tangible objects.  Minds were blown.  So many people had what-ifs and potential scenarios.  I didn’t tell them anything specific about her exes or mine.  Just that we have experiences that will probably lead us to avoid contact just for the sake of not having any issues.  Eventually people got it but were still miffed.  Fine by me.  It made me think though that there are so many women in this social group that have a thing about not talking to their exes and their girls not talking to theirs... if it’s such a big deal why do exes in the community regularly try to communicate to begin with?  I don’t really know.  Mainly I just know that the day I can stop talking to the remaining one I speak to will be a happy day for me.  The other one who was mad when I left got the hint pretty quickly after not liking the truth.  But that is what happens when you ask me a question.  You get an honest answer.  And it will most likely offend someone’s sensitivities.

On that tangent, my boy asked me once recently about an ex that I don’t speak to... it’s difficult to put into words that very serious drugs can make people do things that put people into unsafe situations and I needed to get away as quick as possible.  All I could do is tell him that when he is an adult I would tell him if he really wanted to know.  I say the same about his father.  When he is old enough, if he really needs to know for his own mental health I will tell him.  I owe him that much after uprooting him and changing his life.  He’s intelligent though, so I am looking forward to the day when I can be honest with him about it.

Even the smallest gesture, or second in time, can have a lasting impact on your life.  It doesn’t take much for a smile to change your life.  In the same way, it doesn’t take much for a scowl to bring you right back down.

Each day is filled with moments.  Some will be positive and uplifting, while others can be heart wrenching.  What I know is that I want all of those moments with you.  Today was rough emotionally.  Moments that seemed longer than they should have been brought down the excitement and anticipation to fear and anxiety.  But those were the moments that opened the door to new possibilities for us today.

The world, while chaotic and dangerous, still holds so much for us.  I will walk by your side where ever you need to go.  That is what this is to me... your path to success and happiness and stability is my path to your side and sometimes behind you, helping you to stand to reach your full potential.

Your intelligence has always been underappreciated.  Your sincerity and vulnerability has been abused and mistreated.  Your beauty is far deeper than just your gorgeous exterior and no matter what comes our way, I see all of you.  And I love you.