#mygrad2

these past few weeks have been a LOT! Let’s run though the “bad” in 3 sentences or less. My housing for my affil in PA canceled  on me last minute and I had to scramble to find a new one, and I can’t take the cats with me so I’m gonna be living without them for 20 weeks when I wasn’t expecting to and I am devastated - I sent them home with my parents last weekend and it SUCKED! Also I’ve been having all sorts of wild cardiac symptoms and I went to an urgent care place and the doctor was an asshole and dismissed me and I went to student health and I hate them all there, and I got taken off my meds so I have been a z.o.m.b.i.e. the past few days (except I’ve been taking it every other day shh dont tell my doc bc I LITERALLY cannot function without it and would never have made it through finals) and I’m supposed to be getting a new script but I don’t even know what it’s for lol. And packing and cleaning and moving has been hell, I hate it I hate it I hate it, I’ve been so stressed out and I’ve been living out of bins for the past week and on no food so I’ve been eating out a lot and it’s stressin me out! And this is a fourth sentence, but my computer keyboard has been crapping out on me and my headphones broke and it’s just one less thing i needed rn tbh.

BUT

I drove back home this morning, i’ll be spending 24 hours here at my parents’ house and then heading to my new place in PA. Yesterday the boy came over and we finished cleaning the apartment, got my stuff packed in my car and a truck, drove it all to his house, moved some of my furniture into his house, and I got to spend my last night in DE with him, drinking wine and eating spaghetti and watching our show and this morning we woke up earlier than we had to so we could hang out for like an hour before I had to leave. And I was driving home with all my stuff, on my way to see my cats, drinking starbucks coffee with my rose gold sunglasses on & my hair in a messy bun & wearing my light cuffed shorts so my beautiful beautiful tattoo was showing a bit & listening to something corporate and mayday parade, and i thought to myself, i think a few years ago this is exactly where i would have wanted to be, and here i am. 

That afternoon my boy came over to talk, and at first he was really upset with me, because I got myself in a really dangerous situation and it wasn’t as bad as it could have been (i.e. I’m alive and relatively uninjured) but it was still bad. really really bad. what happened is not my fault, but I own some responsibility for ending up there. So I was already really upset and traumatized,  and then he came over all upset with me, and upset with himself for not being there to prevent it, and I was crying and it was honestly just a shitty shitty couple of hours.

But the minute he finished saying what he had to say and helping me try to talk through what happened, he instantly transitioned to “alright babe, I’m here for you now, come here” and got into bed with me and wrapped me up in his arms, told me that he wasn’t going anywhere, that “I’m here for you baby, you’re safe now” talked me through taking deep breaths (”good girl, two more just like that”), wiped my tears, kissed my face, and just lay there with me. We fell asleep and woke up an hour or two later, when he looked down and said “see? Told you I’d be right here.”

The PROBLEM with all this (which I also had this issue in my last relationship) is that I LOVE being taken care of. I love being held and called baby and having my tears wiped. And ever since this past weekend, I’ve been craving this so badly. The thing is though, people take care of you when you need it, not just because. So on Thursday night I started a damn fight with him, just because I knew he’d end up snapping and saying something aggressive towards me, and then I would get upset and he’d feel bad for what he said, and he’d hold me and kiss me and take care of me. And that’s exactly what happened. But I’m out here picking fights to get that care/attention out of someone?? Who gives me attention and care anyways, just not to the “damn I really need to take care of my girl right now” extent.....which isn’t supposed to be an everyday thing, just an as needed thing. And I’m picking fights so that I’ll get it?? That’s super problematic of me, and I did it again today except I did it over facetime and so he wasn’t even here to comfort me, and he was honestly just annoyed that I started something and that I got upset again, so it ended in an abrupt goodbye and hangup and me feeling even shittier. Which I’m glad happened tbh, because if I was validated every time I did this I’d probably just keep doing it