#mydates

I had another plumbing situation at my house, and texted the plumber asking if he could take a look, or if he’d rather I could call the front desk to get the appointment set up. He responded he could take care of it and we exchanged some texts, talked on the phone, and he came by the house and did the job without my presence – I just let him in. I paid him and the business transaction was complete. Keep in mind the last text exchange we had was me sending him a happy holiday one in 2016 without a response, I had assumed he started dating someone.

A few days later, on my date with Farting Gene, I had taken a video of Gene talking with the homeless man in Ballard and posted it to my Instagram story. The Plumber had responded to it saying “I know that guy” and then we started a conversation. He asked me if I was going to the realtor’s Christmas party, and that he was “looking forward to seeing me.”

What? I ignored it. We talked some of what we were up to - I was just at home on a Saturday night decorating for Christmas. I had to get rid of a pair of tickets to Mannheim Steamroller and he immediately started calling around to his friends to see if they could take them off my hands - we switched to texting.

“Man if I can teleport to Seattle right now I’d go to the show” – or something to that extent is what he said – he was in Spokane for the holidays. He then asked me if I wanted to go to the realtor Christmas party together. I felt like I was being asked to the prom buy a guy who ignored me in 5th period algebra all year. So, was I picking that up right? Was the plumber flirting with me? Is he into it? He also made a comment about wanting to be on the Chuck’s Hop shop patio right about now - where our first date was.

I said that could be cool – and we continued to text about our day, sending pictures. He sent me a photo of his arm and I tried testing the waters by flirting back, “oh I was hoping for a face shot.”

“That’ll be extra” he replied.

He later sent a photo of him by a truck, and I said, “looks nice – the truck doesn’t look so bad either.”

Oh, if you haven’t noticed: I suck at flirting. My flirts come out like dad jokes. Who even says flirts like a noun - a dad that’s who. And it sounds like farts. Dad farts, my flirts.

Anyway, we continue to text the next few days. I knew the plumber played the saxophone and appreciated big band instruments so I sent him a photo of a show I wen to see, Jane Lynch’s A Swingin’ Little Christmas. He asked me if I heard of A John Waters Christmas. I love Christmas, so immediately I looked it up. It was playing THAT night, the night we were texting about it. He asked if I wanted to go – I said yes.

I was already looking forward to the plumber’s texts. I hadn’t seen him in over a year but remember him being really cute, and we already knew each other. I ended up canceling my date with CMB Matthew He/She – he may come around though. His response was very mature and understanding.

(SPOILER ALERT - text image 2 weeks after the second first date)

So now that the date is cancelled: time for plans. We met up at the James Moore Theater bar, right next to the Moore. I had gotten a seat at the bar that faced the door, and a tall man came up on the other side and put his hands on the banister and said, “Yeah the other bar is definitely not as good as this one” The plumber was wearing a newsboy cap and a button down shirt – he had grown some facial hair since I saw him last, but I was a bit “star-struck” when I saw him. My first thought was: this isn’t going to work, he’s way too attractive.

He sat next to me and just started chatting away – this wasn’t the same shy awkward guy I went out with a year ago. He would make eye contact and touch my leg, he even made a joke about moving menu suspends to the side like panties. I actually laughed out loud. Crap: this REALLY isn’t going to work, he’s attractive and fun? I better run.

He paid for the drinks since I got the tickets and as we were heading to the bathroom he asked if I wanted to race – he was so stinking cute and charming and fun I didn’t know what to do with myself. We went to the Moore to find I got the wrong theater – the show was at the Neptune. The plumber immediately called a Lyft and we went to the new venue.

As I was getting carded by the bouncer, the bouncer turns to the plumber and says, “You better keep her warm – you gotta hold her. This is a date, right?” At first it gave me that awkward pit in my stomach, until the plumber turns to me and says, “Yeah, this is a date right?” then it turned to giddy. He grabbed us some drinks and then the energy turned more into a date.

He would kind of bop his hips with mine and lean closer to me. He would even put his arms around my waist – I was in a good place. After the show, he bought a book and vinyl of John Waters and we started walking west a bit to get out of the crowds, both giving the impression we still wanted to hang out. We stepped into the gas station so he could use the restroom, and he bought a pack of cigarettes. There it is – there’s the other shoe. I knew it!

Cigarettes have always been a deal breaker for me, and I made a comment like “You smoke?” and showed I wasn’t excited about it. He kind of did a sad smile, and put the pack away telling me he doesn’t smoke often, and hasn’t smoked in 5 days. It’s been forever since I had this good of a date, so I suggested we go to Queer Bar where they were having an unofficial John Waters After Party – and my cousin was DJ’ing.

So we took a Lyft to Capitol Hill and he grabbed us some drinks and we sat at the bar. My cousin came by and bought us shots and she got to meet he plumber – he seemed pretty social and friendly, and I could tell he was getting a good buzz. He said he would parkour to the bathroom (because I told him about my knee injury from parkour) and a big gay man came up behind me, “Oh my god did you see what your man just did? I mean if he’s your man – is this a date?” I laughed and said it was a first date (sorta). The gay man said he hoped it goes well and went back to the bar.

When the plumber returned he was growing more affectionate and just planted a kiss on my lips. I was thrown off but enjoyed it. Out of nowhere, that same gay man came back: “yes! I was hoping the date was going well then I saw you guys kiss I’m so happy! Okay bye!” and he was gone.

When I told the plumber I had poor eyesight and it was a flaw to some guys, he smiled at me and cupped my face in his hands. “It’s not a flaw,” he said with a smile and kissed me again. Is this real life? It was pretty sweet.

I could tell he was fidgeting for a smoke and asked if he could. I did my usual I’m not going to stop you, but I’m not excited about it. He thought for a moment, and instead stood up, took my hand and brought me to the dance floor to dance with me. He chose dancing with me, instead of a smoke.

We then walked over to Linda’s for another drink, except this time the bouncer wouldn’t let him in. I think the plumber tried to make a joke that came out in a slur, but the bouncer took it as being over-served. “How many have you had?” and the plumber and I said a few – I may have miscounted. Luckily the plumber didn’t argue and instead we went a couple doors down to R Place.

We had a couple drinks and by then it was midnight; it was time for me to go home. At this point he had had a couple cigarettes here and there, and what caught me off guard is he waited for me to get into a Lyft, but said he’d go back into the bar. Really? Is that weird? I tried not to be judgmental that he was going to drink alone at the bar, but it still raised a flag. He asked me if the smoking was an endgame, and I said, “I hope not.” I wasn’t sure.

He said he had a good time and wants to continue “this” and pointed between the two of us. I had a great first date. The smoking and potential extra drinking did raise a flag to me: did he have a drinking problem? I didn’t know but was going to brush it off for now. When we went into Queer Bar, he asked the bartender if they had a lost & found for him to leave his John Water purchases – oh! I still have his stuff! I put it in my purse so still had his belongings hostage. Smart idea of him I thought, then immediately asked myself: does he do this often? He seems to know the bar scene – and caught myself to wait before permanent judgment.

The next morning at 8am, he called me. I was very groggy but picked up the phone. We chatted for 30 minutes, but it was very natural and organic – just like the first date. He told me he stayed at the bar and saw a drag show – that still caught me off guard with his after date stay. He said “what’s next?” stating he had a lot of fun the night before. I told him I was watching Trevor Noah that evening and asked if he wanted to join. Two nights in a row? Let’s see.

The plumber also said what would have made the night perfect was to go home to a king sized bed alluding to a flirtatious remark. I told him how I always sleep on the same side of the bed, the way an old widow would because she couldn’t imagine dear Henry being replaced. “I’d love to take Henry’s place if that’s okay with you” – it was a really sweet remark that could come off creepy but didn’t. I loved how direct he was, about having a good time with me and not being afraid to hang out again. So we did.

-November 30, 2017

Remember Christmas Gene? I wrote about him last holiday - one of those chat but never met up. He was from San Diego and was very direct asking me to his sister’s Christmas party and sending me photos of his sweater.

He was very cute, very attractive - and he definitely knew it.

We kept in light touch –he messaged me in October, asking me if I was still single. I responded with “Do you still not live in Seattle?”

He texted me on the Friday after Thanksgiving, then he Face-Timed me. He was one of those attractive guys who exuberated confidence. He was in the car with his best friend. Leon, who just moved to Seattle. When he panned the the camera to his friend, the friend said, “Who are you?”

I replied “Some girl Gene has never met.” They laughed and the three of us had pretty good banter. Gene and Leon were on their way to Barnacle, a cocktail spot in Ballard and asked me to join. I said I had plans- I was waiting to hear confirmation from Andrew about our movie date. Gene said, “So listen, last time you said you didn’t want to go out with me because I don’t live in Seattle. Well I come here often, and I’m willing to make it work. Because I too am looking for a serious relationship.” His confidence, normally unattractive to me, for some reason I was into. I said I needed to wait and see about my other plans. Gene said, “Give this guy another 15 minutes then come join us.” Confidence called me out it was a guy.

So then I called my sister and my friend to get advice. I called my friend and told her about Andrew, a nice guy I went out with once that who I would be watching a movie at my house with, or Gene who I had a good feeling about from our video chat. She said I should go with Gene because she could tell I was more excited about him. My sister said Andrew is the Peeta and Gene was the Gale – it was our Hunger Games reference for the hot guy and the good guy. I told her what my friend said, and that at least with Gene I could escape, but Andrew lives far away and would probably expect to stay over. My sister agreed we don’t even know if Andrew ‘Is’ the good guy. So I cancelled with Andrew (the potentially one night stand anyhow) and got a Lyft to see Christmas Gene of 2016.

I got to Barnacle and a short Spanish guy called out to me, “Gene is in the bathroom.” I sat down and put on my game face to impress the friend. He was awesome – I really liked Leon (platonically). Then a tall man comes to my side and gives me a very good hug – full body and embraced arms. Gene was tall, good hair and a light beard. He looked like DeLuca from Grey’s Anatomy and I was immediately enamored.

He stared into my eyes with a slight smile, saying it’s been too long and we finally met, rubbing my back so casually as if we’ve been dating for years. He was half Puerto Rican as well, and was shocked and happy to find I was.  The guys had put their name down to go to Walrus and Carpenter – a hip place in Ballard known for their Oysters and 3 hour wait time. Also, very pricey.

I learned a lot about Gene: He had slept with over 100 women, was surprised he only got chlamydia (his words not mine), just bought a house – seems he was showcasing his own pony. He said his mother would love me, and asked Leon to confirm. He talked a lot to Leon about me, in front of my face, but not always acknowledging me – that power play. Saying things like “I should have known she was Puerto Rican [turns to me] I was checking out your ass” and later saying “you have nice breasts – you can’t tell but I can when I’m looking down your shirt.”

That’s cool.

I realized, Gene didn’t try to ‘woo’ me, or court me, because his confidence gave him the immunity to say whatever he pleased. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. I was running my diagnostics and It was still loading. The server came and Gene turned to him and said, “Give us your 12 best oysters and your most expensive Mescal.” Okay – it’s going to be one of THOSE nights. Gene and Leon started talking about Gene’s house in San Diego and Leon’s expensive $10,000 watch. Leon didn’t seem to be instigating this conversation but Gene was, doing the macho thing where he calls his buddy an “asshole” for getting a nice watch when his watch only cost $3,000. When the oysters came Gene went straight for them, and Leon had to say, “Hey man, give one to...”

Gen paused, grabbed one, and handed it to me staring longingly into my eyes, continuing to kiss me on the cheek throughout the night. I purposely gave him my cheek as I knew he’d go for the lips.

Gene would either give me so much attention, or ignore me completely as he talked with Leon.  It was all part of that hot confident guy game, and he knew he can get a girl in bed so didn’t even had to try. Unfortunately for him, I don’t think this would fly with me. However, I’ve got a blog to write, so let’s see what happens next.

The check came and Gene said he’d pay for me because I was his guest, so Leon only paid a third. Earlier at Barnacle both guys said my money was no good there when I tried to pay for my drink. So we started walking up the street to another bar. At one point, Gene stepped aside and said he needed to fart – and he did, loudly. He then walked up to me and held my hand. Seriously.

He would either walk ahead of me and Leon on his own, or stay next to me holding my hand or put his arm around me. He also was one of those guys who got off on talking to strangers, as if I were a college kid thinking, “wow what a crazy fun guy not having a care in the world!” But I’m 34, it came off as immature and obnoxious. He stopped a guy in the middle of the sidewalk just to say, “hi, how’s it going” – and not just a question, but actually made the guy stop in his tracks.

He then butted in on three young girls passing a joint, and started flirting with them, and asked to smoke and passed the joint around. The girls were eating it up. Later he stopped by a homeless man and just chatted it up, with a bewildered look of “wow what a cool story that bum had.”

We went into Percy’s and I got us a round of drinks. That’s when Gene stopped me and said, “Can I have a kiss?” and kissed me on the lips. What’s happening? He also shared a story about how he dated a girl and then they broke up and she got cancer, and he never visited her. Leon did, but he never did. She passed away and he regrets never seeing her. That’s a deep conversation to have on a first three-way date about a mistake you made.

We then started walking to another bar and this time Gene was on the give me attention kick. He stopped in front of the Sunset Tavern and looked in. “What do you think is going on there? There’s an attractive girl and an unattractive guy that looks like a date but – oh wait, she just gave him a high-five, what do you think that means?” I said I didn’t know, maybe he said a funny joke or they were on the same page. He said he thinks the guy was friend zoned – then he turned and stopped a woman who was walking. She kept walking, ignoring him, until he said “Excuse me I have a question – “ and kept talking. He asked this stranger on the street what she would make of this high-five and the woman concurred she thought the guy was friend zoned. That’s when Gene said, “I’m going to find out” and walks in the bar. Leon and I walked slowly behind, then turned and sat at a booth far away – I was embarked. Who is this ass-clown think he is? Seriously? That pompous to think you’ve got the right to interrupt the date and be rude? But of course not – he’s a charming mother trucker who can get away with anything.

Throughout the night, Gene asked me to spend the night with him. He was staying with his friend Leon, and I said I wasn’t going to third wheel Leon at his house. I offered him to stay at my place, but we wouldn’t have sex. He asked why? I said I rather not sleep with a guy on a first date. He then told me about several relationships he’s had with women who he slept with on a first date. I then said okay, what if I said we can sleep together, but then that’s it – no more dates. He said it wasn’t fair. I never made that ultimatum to a guy before, but as I said it I kind of liked it… I mean, if you’re really interested in dating me, would you give it up for a quick lay?

Anyway, we had this conversation twice throughout the night, about sleeping arrangements. Finally, Leon drove to my house and Gene says, “oh wow, let’s check out your house!” and Leon says, “No dude, let her sleep – she’s tired”. I said it was fine and invited them both in. Gene starts playing my piano – not well, but not horribly, but a drunken gibberish of keys. This probably went on for about 15 minutes, and I turned to Leon, “How long should I let this go for?”  A random drunk guy playing my piano… gets old. Finally, Gene gets up and says, “Wow, I’ve never played the piano before!” and then tells Leon he was staying with me because Leon snores. Why do guys need to come up with a phony reason?

Later he asked to smoke pot. I gave him some weed, and he proceeded to talk about how it’s the worst weed he’s ever seen: dry, and just terrible. But his tone was as if he was being sincere and just shocked. “Like seriously, I’ve never seen weed this bad I just… I can’t smoke this.” Oh yeah, though he’s a flashy medical salesman, he also grows his own cannibals in California – which he told those three girls, and said they should connect on Facebook to do business together.

So we go upstairs and Gene tells me he has to poop. I told him to use the downstairs bathroom. This is all real life by the way. I texted him “is everything ok down there?” because he was taking a while. He comes to my room and gets down to his boxer briefs. Yep, Gene had a nice body, and needed to look the way he did to get away with half of what … who he is.

“What are these pills for?” he asks as he picks up my birth control pills from the dresser. Anyone over the age of 12 knows what those look like – but he asked to sound stupid, so I can say I’m on the pill? I found myself growing more and more unattached to this guy. I hadn’t fully made a decision what would happen in the bedroom, but as the night progressed it became grossly clear the answer was: nothing. Nothing would happen. He was definitely trying – and I said no, several times. He kept asking, “Why? Why won’t you have sex with me?” I said because I didn’t want to. He said, “But there has to be a reason why?” I said nope. “Is it because you really like me?” I borderline laughed out loud, but instead just said “no…..”

“Don’t you love me?” I gave him the same answer: no

He began to pout. We ended up going to bed. In the middle of the night there was shuffling and somehow we were awake at the same time. Without getting too detailed or graphic, we’ve all been in the situation where we are in bed with someone, and whether you like the guy or not there will be some making out. Nothing will progress of course, but with Gene, it was a constant battle of explanation.

Disclaimer: this story may not sit well with some women. A guy pressuring a woman for sex, not taking ‘no’ for an answer, and coming on very strong. For womankind, I should have thrown his ass out of my house, right?

Why didn’t I? Honestly, I didn’t feel threatened and it seemed like more trouble to kick him out. At most I’d send him to the couch, but I was always able to get him pouting again and to bed.

The best part was, he spoons me and lets out an enormous fart. Yes, a fart ss loud I felt the vibrations. This wasn’t the first or second time I’ve heard him fart – on our first date. “Oh that was a gooood one” he says.

“That is so not attractive you know,” I responded.

“But it was a good one?” he said in a pouty voice.

At this point, he could be Brad Pitt and I wouldn’t touch his penis.

After that, I went to bed. In the morning, I got dressed to get ready for the day and he said he needed another hour of sleep, asking if I did too – a passive aggressive invite to come back to bed to him. Yes, I want to crawl back into bed with you. No, no I do not. I said I’m good and went downstairs. He probably slept in my bed for a good solid hour before coming down. He said he was going to call a Lyft, not Uber. That made me realize he knew where I worked, but never asked me a single question the night before – anything, about me.

He was complaining about the app - why it looked like his driver wasn’t moving. He suddenly shot up and said “My Lyft’s here” ran out the door and shouted “bye!’ without even as much as turning back – no hug, not kiss goodnight. It was almost socially awkward and strange how he darted out. Later that day he responded to my text the night before: 

We hadn’t texted after, until some time in January where he said he was in town and wanted to see me again. A week after he sent me a Snap of him drinking whiskey. I wonder how long this will go for? No, I can’t even ghost Farting Gene - I’ll let him know... eventually.

-November 25, 2017

I love getting into rabbit holes. I also question when someone uses the word “wit” as I’ve learned many people aren’t familiar with what it actually means. Regardless, Dave was cute and liked rabbit holes.

I had tickets to Iron & Wine on a Wednesday and asked Dave if he wanted to go. He researched the music and was down. I learned he lived in Picnic Point which was a bit far from Seattle (for me) and joked about it before he said “let’s see if we like ourselves first” - maybe i was too forward.

It truly was a dark and stormy night, with sideways rain. We decided to meet up at a hotel bar by the show - both of us were running late due to weather. I got the last 2-person seat table at the bar. When he came in, he was a bit shorter and stockier than I thought, and I wasn’t as attracted. Still I was looking forward to getting into rabbit holes. We ordered a couple drinks and a snack and started chatting.

Dave was good at asking question. His tone was a bit stiff, but he made good eye contact. He asked me more than just blanket questions, so our conversation wasn’t too bad. We ordered a second round, I loosened up. I didn’t see this going anywhere, but I was going to enjoy the evening. Maybe it was due to time, but we didn’t get into any rabbit holes. He paid the bill since I got the tickets.

We walked over to the Moore theater and before we got into our seats, his eyes darted, and he asked the usher “do you have a bar?” and looked at me “let’s do that first.” The way he said it amused me, and I was excited he wanted to grab another drink and enjoy ourselves. We got doubles so split the bill and took our seats. We had light banter about our drinks tasting like pure alcohol. This made it easier to enjoy the concert with someone that didn’t feel like a stranger.

After the show was over, I said I wanted to seek shelter to call a Lyft. He walked with me back to the hotel where we exchanged Spotify playlists before I hugged him goodbye and left. He texted me later a few more songs and we never spoke again.

This was one of those dates that wasn’t bad at all - nice and chill guy that if I bumped into, I would enjoy having a beer again.

-October 18, 2017