#mycurrentthoughts

I miss swimming. I miss my swimming family. I miss going on that block and just forgetting about everything else. I miss having so much fun at practice I can’t stop smiling. I miss my friend giving me a pep talk before my race. I miss trying so hard to beat that person in the other lane that your lungs start to burn. I miss smiling with my team and laughing. I miss swimming and feeling free, like there’s not a single care in the world.

I wanna be the person who does things at the weirdest and possibly most inconvenient times. It's 4am and I want to write a novel? Well turn on some music, open your laptop, and start writing. Its 1am and I want to go on a road trip? Pack the car. It's 5pm and I want to have a day long movie marathon? Call a friend and turn on the damn TV. It's 2pm and I wanna see the stars? Go to the planetarium because waiting 8 hours just isn't going to cut it. It's 10am and I have a class in half an hour? Have a couple shots and see what happens. Seriously, this is what I want out of life. The random, the fun, and the unexpected.

I'm baking with my friends, listening to Norah Jones, and just talking. It's one of those surreal times where time moves at a weird pace and you don't feel like you're completely present but you are still all there. And it's just really nice and I wish things like this happened more often. I feel like these are the moments that life is about because it's so simple.

I want this. That is what I’m scared of. I’m scared of the fact that I’m willing to do this when it’s going to end up as nothing. I know we’ve talked about it but sometimes things change and I’ve had this realization of what is actually going on. You say you like me and that’s great because I feel the same way. But then, you also like him and I have no one else that I want to be with as remotely close to how much I want to be with you. And that’s never going to happen; I know that. I just understand now and it hurts. You get both; you get him and I whenever you want even though with me it’s always when you're drunk and you can excuse it because of that. You get two and I’m here with half. I don’t even get a whole you because I know you are with him too and don’t lie because you know if he would want a relationship, you would choose him right away. And then I’d lose the half of you that I was willing to settle for because at least it was better than no you. I would have nothing then and I now know that that is inevitable and so instead of you choosing, I’ve decided to give up my half on my own terms.