I'm going to be vulnerable here.
I don't like being vulnerable with strangers but this wouldn't leave my mind. I need to say it. I've had this lifelong problem called honesty. However, if you're unkind to me, I'll block you.
I have physical disabilities and though they do limit me, I believe they make me a better Domme. (Why it can't just be spelled Dom, I do not know. Why do we have to feminize it. I've always thought of myself as a Dom not a Domme.)
My disabilities aren't always obvious. Most of the time you won't be able to tell. I'm not as flexible or physically strong as I once was. I can do things. I can be physical. Sometimes there are just consequences. I know and accept this as a person with a chronic illness. I've learned how to mitigate and what my boundaries are.
For example, I know if I'm paddling you, hard, I will get fatigue the next day. My hand may be a bit swollen and I'll have to ice it. But I want to do it. Being sick has taken so much from me that it's worth it to me, the swollen hands or feet or being fatigued. To send you to subspace and cradle you in my arms afterwards, I can't explain how fulfilling that is.
My illness is not going to just go away. It's treatable, not curable (and genetic and not contagious). So why not be the person I am? Why should I give up the experiences that fulfill me? I just...I don't ever want a sub to feel guilty about my pain. There's nothing for my sub to feel guilty about because this is my choice. It's a case of the pleasure outweighing the pain.
I also believe this deepens my devotion. It definitely takes "this is going to hurt me far more than it will hurt you" to another level. I understand PAIN. We are constant companions. While I didn't choose pain as a companion, you begin to understand the subtleties of someone you're around all the time. I've learned a lot about the body and how to hurt or relieve pain. I've also developed a lot of discipline and boundaries. I know what I'm willing to do and what I'm willing to walk away from. I also believe I've become gentler, kinder, more patient, more tolerant, and even more focused on consent. (Part of that may also be due to being with a late diagnosed AudHd partner.)
A service sub, serving me and reducing my stress is sublimely helpful. I think we can bond deeper. Every time you carry something heavy or shower with me or cook us dinner, you're helping me so much more. Because I can do those things, there are just consequences. The doctor told me it takes 3x as much energy for me to do anything because I'm always fighting inside. My body fights a war that can't be easily seen. I can do the housework (on top of working) but it takes more of me. I'd rather give that energy to my sub.
I know I'm sexy. I may actually have gotten sexier in certain ways. I have always been told I'm too much. I'm too passionate, too smart, too intense, "too young to have these problems", too empathetic, too depressed, too driven. I've never figured out how to be less than I am. I'm not going to try. I don't want to.
It takes a sub who is devoted to get me. You have to earn it with me. But when you do, you will melt from my full focus. Would anyone want what I have to give? I don't know. I know some of you like what I have to write. Could anyone but my partner handle me? Or her? I know she'd be great domming with me. She just has to like you enough. Would anyone even want to try? It would be a slow burn, a long game. It may seem like a lot but that's what I've got.
I don't hear/read a lot about BDSM and disability (especially autoimmune or autistic). I know we chronic folk are out there. And if you are and you're reading this, I'd like to hear from you. Even if you just want to say Hi.
