Jan 4, 2017
I miss you so much it hurts
I cry so easily now. It used to take so much for tears to flow down my cheeks. Now, I'm like a cracked window. A little crack and water flows freely.
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I miss you so much it hurts
I cry so easily now. It used to take so much for tears to flow down my cheeks. Now, I'm like a cracked window. A little crack and water flows freely.
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December 1, 2016
Ryan,
Tonight, we are decorating Nan’s Christmas tree. Something we’ve done as a family since we’ve been tiny children. Just another first without you. I don’t know how to do this without you. I’m me; yet I’m not. I miss you, Ryan. So damn much. It all comes back to that, doesn’t it? Me, missing you. Every emotion I feel is based around the fact that I. Miss. You.
I hate that I have to wake up every day without you. That I can’t feel your hugs, see your smiles, hear your laugh.
I love you. I’ll live for you. Xoxo
(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMyIHMmhFw)
“Is there snow falling down on the streets of gold, are the mansions all covered in white? Are you singing with the angels, Silent Night? I wonder...what Christmas in Heaven is like?”  I miss you so much, Ryan.  It seems that as days pass it only gets harder, not easier.  So many firsts without you.Â
Dear Ryan...
My heart has been so heavy lately.  I know why but that doesn’t make it any easier.  You. Are. Gone. & you aren’t coming back.  Some days, I have to explain that over & over to myself.  You aren’t just on vacation.  Yet, it’s like I’m anxiously waiting your return.  Of which, there will be no return.  It’s so strange.  It’s almost as if my brain is disconnected from my heart.  My brain understands that you are not here; not coming back either. Yet my heart, my heart longs for the day where you just show up. I read a quote the other day that said there will never be a time where I’m done with this journey of grief.  I won’t wake up one day & it’ll be over and done with.  I’ll always have this ache for you.  & that scares me.  I’ve always been the person who toughs it out until I’m past the pain.  So, how do I tough this one out? There will not be any light at the end of this tunnel.  I long to hear your voice. To feel your arms wrap around me.  To hear you say my name, Jessie. In only the way you could.  I can no longer share memories with you; just tell them from my perspective.  There’s no one to share childhood inside jokes with.  It’s painful to watch Mom & Dad break down on Thanksgiving because even though their daughter is with them...their son is not. It’ll be even harder Christmas morning. It’s crazy how time works. You don’t want the clock to continue ticking.  You want to freeze the moment.  Not having to live another second without you on this earth.  & yet the clock continues. Life continues. So, I’ll live this life I’ve been given.  I’ll live this life to make you proud. But don’t for one second think that I don’t miss you.  Because I ache for you. I love you so much, Ryan.  So damn much. I long for the day I’ll see you again. Fly High, Ryguy.  Dance with the angels.  I love you. Â
Sibling Loss Awareness Day <3
Today is a day for all us mourners to be recognized for the pain we suffer day in and day out. Some days are so much harder than others. Some, so much easier. But on the easiest of days, it is still one of the hardest days. Nothing will ever be harder than that awful day but nothing will ever be easier than you living this life with me.Â
I miss you so much, every single day. Â When the sun rises, I miss you. Â When the sun sets, I miss you. And when the sun is high in the sky, I miss you.Â
I wonder some days, when I’ll wake up and be back to myself.  It’s hard for me to realize that I’ll never be that person again. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that that me is gone forever. The person I was for 26 years is gone. I was your sister for 23 years; I’ll always be your sister.  But trying to L.I.V.E. this life without you is much harder than I had anticipated.Â
I will live my life for you and you alone. Â Always. Â
I love you.Â
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Mother’s Day Weekend
It’s Mother’s Day today. I can’t imagine Mom’s pain today. I’m sure today is a little worse than other days. I know you would be here if you could. I got Mom a card for you today, no worries. We all went to Johnnies and had breakfast, you’re favorite meal of the day. Nan, Uncle Donnie, Dad, Mom, myself and Doc all went. You’re head stone came in yesterday. It looks wonderful. But it makes everything more real. Not that I didn’t know you’re death was real but some days it all feels like the worst nightmare of my life. I wrote a letter for Mom to go in your card I got her. I wanted her to know that just because you are not here in person with us that she will always be the mother of a son. I’m doing my best to take care of Mom and Dad. Doc and I took Lurch over to their house yesterday. It was finally gorgeous after days and days of rain. Lurch ran around the yard like a lunatic. He is still afraid of those big kick balls Mom has for the daycare kids. Lol We had PizzaHut pizza last night for dinner. When we got home Lurch passed out like a light lol
I miss you Ryguy. Every day. Learning how to live without you is the hardest thing for me. But as I’ve come to learn life keeps moving. No matter how bad I want time to just stand still. I abhor continuing to live while you aren’t here. But I do. I love my life with Doc. I just ache with longing for you. I love you, always.
Fly High, Ryguy. <3
Mother’s Day is Sunday May 8, 2016. I cannot imagine the pain Mom is going to feel when she wakes up Sunday. I know she has pain every day. But the day designed specifically to celebrate her and her favorite son won’t be here. Not because you choose not to come by but because you aren’t here. I wish so badly that all of this were a horrible nightmare. To wake up and be able to call you. To hear your voice. I struggle though because I want you here so very badly but I know that goes against God’s plan. He wouldn’t have called you home had it not been. Some days are better than others. Your birthday I couldn’t breathe, without tears streaming down my face. There are days where it feels like my next breath might be the last breath. Seeing your face through pictures, it seems like I’m in some movie. There are days that everything I experienced the day you left us comes rushing back and there is this sudden intense burning pain in my chest. The kind that brings a person to their knees.
I just don’t know, Ryguy. Where do I go from here? I’m not sure how to be a sister without my little big brother. How do I help mom and dad’s pain?
I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. That I couldn’t save you. I miss you so much, every single day. I love you, Ryguy. I know you know that I just, ugh there aren’t words Ry. No words. You understood that you were my best friend and that no matter what decisions you made I have always loved you, unconditionally. You know that right?  My love never faltered. Ever.
Fly High, Ryguy. <3