#my devil

I wasn’t looking for anything but myself. I was (am) figuring out what exactly it is that I wanted because the truth was I knew what I didn’t want very clearly but couldn’t list one thing I actually wanted. You’ve got to know both. The universe can’t help you with half ass truths. So I went about creating the this is me and what I want list that was imaginary and in my head. I tried on ideas like clothes in a dressing room, not buying anything that didn’t fit or suit my style. In that process I found things that fit so well I knew it was the truth. I kept finding the things that fit well until I saw myself more clear than I ever, but still me, feeling more comfortable in my skin than ever before. I was alone, but not lonely. I was fulfilling desires alone better than being with a partner, especially the wrong one. I was always smiling in disbelief that I could feel so fulfilled and be alone. I had been searching and searching and searching for the person that fit with who I am now and I was exhausted.

A mentally drained creative person is a frustrated person. So I was coming up ways for me to express myself that I hadn’t before and that were free. The things I did created so much joy. I found myself, even through getting help for my depression and anxiety, through these creative endeavors a lightness and surge in creativity I hadn’t felt in some time.

Minding my own business and really the hardest part of my day being what to post to curate my blog, and what to eat, I received a message. A test. For both of us. For him, would I bite? For me, is this guy a creep? I bit. He’s not a creep. We haven’t stopped talking since. Everyday I think I wasn’t looking, I wasn’t even paying attention. I didn’t even want to talk to anyone and then he appeared. I did the opposite of what I would normally do, I broke every one of my rules. I worried I wasn’t enough, I thought he must be lying, I hoped this wasn’t a joke, I worried he would ghost me, I worried see all of my body would be the reason he’d ghost me. I was deathly afraid of my feelings.

Then one day this Motherfucker (in our earliest days I kept saying in my head this Motherfucker is trying to get me to love him, or this Motherfucker says the sweetest things. I know by calling him that in my head, I was stalling, I wanted him to prove me right, he wasn’t this amazing person, he was in fact a Motherfucker) anyway, one day this Motherfucker asks me to call him and then asks me if I’d like to be his best friend? When I tell you my eyes were wet and my smile was the biggest it’s been in years, because it’s single handedly the sweetest, most romantic thing. I’ve ever experienced. He asked a scaredy cat girl wrestling with her feelings if I’d like to be his best friend and in that moment I loved him and became even more scared, but also knew I could tell my best friend anything.

Since that phone call I have experienced something lacking in almost every relationship I have ever had. Consideration for my feelings constantly. Someone who asks the right questions and listens to my answers. Someone who says “only if you’re comfortable” and means it. Someone who makes sure I’m ok and doesn’t freak out when I’m not. Someone who will talk things out. Someone who knows we’re in this together. Someone who wants to be better for himself and for me and makes me want the same. Someone who turns me on just be being himself. So finally one day I broke down and asked “Are you for real?” and he answered “I am really real baby darling” I stared at that text for minutes. I swooned. I cried. My heart was bursting. This Motherfucker, my best friend, my lover. He’s really real.

(TYSM IVE BEEN WANTING TO GET ASKS AND STUFF)

I'll answer for my main 3, Ares, Idris, and Ador. (All 3 were made by @joolianjay my QP :3 !!)

💝 - what is your oc f/os love language (gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation, etc)? what kind do they give and what kind do they like to receive?

Ares: Ares likes to flirt a ton so I'd say probably words of affirmation and physical touch. Giving whistles and flirty comments and compliments on top of being very physically affectionate any time I'm near him and I love it even when he's handsy SLDFKJSFDL

Graham Green