#my damage

Smart? That's a set of skills, I can do that. Writes well, programs well - skills. Philosophically above average? The result of skills. Kinda competent at physical violence and willing to be ruthless if ethically necessary - skills.

But like, I don't... I don't even really understand me having interpersonal worth that isn't a function of what I can do in the world or for other experiencing minds. That's not a real concept in my mind - I can conceptualize it in the abstract but I cannot feel it as real.

When people feel friendship or love towards me, I'm perpetually on the brink of "why?" - it kinda seems implausible and nonsensical. When I'm doing good things in the world or in their lives, the "why?" has a ready answer. But if I'm not performing in a way that is sufficiently above-average, if I see too many flaws in myself or my life or what I'm doing, that "why?" starts to creep in.

And this sorta generalizes.

At some point I could experience and simulate human bonds normally, I think. But there was too much pain there, so I grew closed to human connections by the time I was a teen.

I have friends but I don't feel friendship, as an emotional experience, I just value people or want to help them or enjoy our interactions or don't feel opposed to their invites, so I spend time with them sometimes.

The only love I've ever felt has been so complicated by unhealthy notes - idealizing infatuation, codependent pity, insecure need for validation and support, guardedness against betrayal or prioritization of others over me, the profound fulfillment of being able to "save" someone - so different versus what would explain the behavior of people with normal "love" for friends, family, or partners, that I still don't know if I even feel love.

So I kinda don't even understand friendship, love, or why people feel loyalty for each other. I never expect it towards myself and I can't properly model the experiences of those who do feel it, towards me or others… so I can't really simulate it, and my thoughts account for it more like a cold mechanical function: a system of tensions and forces, pulls and repulsions between people with different goals, tolerances, interpersonal crumple zones, spots of uncompromising rigidity, and internal experience valuing and prioritizing functions.

Which works well as far as predictive accuracy goes, but I'm constantly uncomfortable because I've stopped being able to really feel - or maybe just acknowledge or permit within myself - key parts of those systems.

food tends to be useful, and hypoglycemia was zero fun last time.