#mwj

it shouldn’t be. neither of them are upset that i’m dating the other. neither has requested that i not be with the other. they’re both okay with it. 

but then my birthday came around and logan, while he probably didn’t mean for it to be like this...he claimed me. a ring around my finger. a promise ring, which i wear on my right hand but all i can think about is how it’s supposed to be a promise for forever. and i want to give him forever, but also 

one day i’m going to want to settle down with just one person. i want to have the cheesy dumb one man one woman two kids kinda life. and right now i can’t say if it’ll be logan, or ethan, or either of them at all - but it feels like i just agreed for it to be logan without thinking it through. 

i love him. i love him so much it makes my heart ache if i even imagine not being with him. but he’s also going to go away to college soon, and while he may just go to georgia - he could go somewhere else. somewhere far. and no matter what he ends up doing - the nfl would be nice, obviously, but he could go into literally any field - he’s not going to want small town.

( and of course, what if he goes somewhere near princeton? what if, without me, he and holly come together and forget all about me? i know it would never be on purpose, but the thought of it... ) 

i know ethan’s worried about it. i can tell from the way he looks at the ring, like it offends him. like it’s defeating him. 

( ethan isn’t leaving. logan is. it’s the little thing that keeps ringing in my head despite how much i try to ignore it. ) 

i’m making a big deal out of nothing, obviously. i have enough to worry about. homecoming is coming up, we have a crazy hard routine to work through, garland’s still depressed and i’m still having nightmares about murders on a regular basis. holly’s pills are disappearing too fast and logan’s parents won’t even talk to him and lulu’s mom is still around and i am 

once again

stressed about problems that don’t even exist in my own love life. 

i couldn’t keep it from logan any longer - i mean, it was only a few days, but i don’t know how people cheat on their boyfriends ( and really cheat, like we have an open relationship what even constitutes cheating??? ) and don’t tell them right away. i spent two days with my stomach gnawing itself from the inside out. i’ve barely even eaten and my sad 90s playlist is all i’ve been able to listen to. 

and i knew there was a reason i shouldn’t have done it. i mean, there’s a hundred reasons i shouldn’t have done it. he’s lulu’s brother. her only brother, the only one who really looks out for her besides me. and i can only do so much - i mean, i try and help them where i can and they’re good about not letting their pride get the best of them but i can only do so much ? especially when mom hates them because they aren’t ‘good enough’ for us, like that means anything. as if our money came from hard work and not the slave trade 200 years ago. 

whatever. that’s an annoyance for a different day.

i didn’t expect logan to get it. i mean, okay, i kind of did. because he has bradley, who i know he has real feelings for. and he has amelia and he takes her on dates even though she’s supposed to be a fuck buddy and she loves him and now that i’ve fucked up he’ll probably love her too and i’ll be left here without him.

( i deserve it. i was living on borrowed time, really. it only makes sense. i took him from holly, and now i fucked it up. ) 

and i know that i won’t be like, alone alone. no matter what i do, i’ll have ethan. and i’ll have frankie. and i might even really love ethan like i love logan but 

                     what do you do when the boy you’ve loved for 10 years walks away from you? 

he said he still loved me, but if he did, he certainly didn’t show it. he didn’t chase me down, he didn’t comfort me, he didn’t even fucking fight with me. i expected a fight ! but if this is what happens the first time something big happens between us ? 

we wouldn’t have made it through his freshman year at college anyways.

maybe it’s better this way. maybe now he’ll look at schools besides ug so he can go somewhere big, get into something amazing. maybe he’ll go on and live his grand old life and i’ll stay here in riverside and do 

something.

nothing ? 

i never wanted to do anything anyways. except fall in love and have that happily ever after. and i tried to be a realist and say it wouldn’t happen for me and logan but - 

oh god, i’m realizing how bad i thought we would. i’m realizing how badly i was hoping for that in the long run. because i would have gone anywhere for him, done anything for him and instead he just stood there

is that all

and now i don’t have him

because he might not have broken up with me ‘officially’ but it certainly feels like we aren’t together anymore 

and it certainly feels like we can’t come back from this like i thought we could

so what’s the fucking point

if all i got