Guys I was going to make a post but I'm really starting to think I don't understand romantic attraction maybe? Or maybe I have commitment issues? I couldn't tell you. I think maybe it's a secret evil third thing, I think maybe its that I have such an expectation of 'I will feel loved' in a romantic relationship and I don't even know what that means, I don't know if I know what that should feel like in a romantic context. And in creates messy and undefined expectations that set myself up for later distress.
I feel devotion, I know what devotion feels like I think and I crave so desperately to be allowed to be devoted to someone but is that romantic attraction? I don't really think so. I just like the intensity, I like the possessiveness, and it's even better, in some cases not all, with a mutual kind of claim, but I would be devoted to someone if I was allowed to without reciprocation.
I think a romantic context makes me feel like I have no choice but to give my all to someone, like once there is an established relationship there is no more discovery, I just have to be laid bare. And how do we toe the line for compromise. Where does that come into play. And don't get me wrong, I do want to give everything that I have to someone, I do want to be at their will and to be known. But it's just never felt right. Maybe I crave the label and the title, maybe I am more focused on the numbers and everything.
Eventually I will loose myself in them, eventually I remove my interests to fit more closely under their skin. I know it is only a matter of time I become an extension and not my own person. I think the biggest the issue I have with romantic relationships, is being asked to give and then feeling like most of me is then rejected. I think that's where the concept of like 'I should be loved in a way I understand' really fucks with me. Maybe I take things way too personally that shouldn't be personal. I can't expect others to indulge me and when they do I can't expect them to fully do so.
Devotion doesn't ask to be understood, it doesn't ask of me to share my interests, it asks of me to serve. It asks me to blindly follow my given task in a test of faith even if there was a miscommunication. It's comfortable. I can be exposed and not have to share that part of me that makes me uncomfortable to deal with.
I think romance has me on the table for an autopsy and every ugly, ineffective part is left for display. Except they don't have to the heart to gut and replace what they don't want in an effort to practice acceptance.
I think I hate people sometimes. I think I hate people who like me and who think they know me really well when I have long since understood what brings me joy is unappealing and annoying and have not shared it with them.
I'm okay with not ever being known. Disinterested hurts more than being misunderstood.
My therapist said feeling like I want to kill myself is a cop-out. I think she's right. I hate being this pathetic. I hate being all bark and no bite. I hate being too much of a coward to do it.
I think most days as I'm driving home from a long commute, I have the overwhelming urge to jerk the wheel to the right and hopefully send my car off the highway into the fields and have it kill me. I feel it in my hands as it spreads to my arms and it makes my body physically hurt with need. I don't do it because I'm too scared. The only thing that saves me is that I don't have a timeline.
Maybe I don't struggle with suicidal ideation because I haven't set a date. I think maybe I'm just lazy and I don't want to deal with my problems and instead I throw a really bit dramatic fit inside my own head. Wake up and do it again. Rinse and repeat.
I don't know how to tell my friend that if they're really not interested in this band I want to see I don't I want them to feel like they have to go with me. I've never seen them live and I don't know what they're performing, and they're not even a headliner. They're just one of my favorite bands. I don't want to take them along if they're doing this under the guise of being a good friend. I don't know how to tell them that if they don't have a good time and or if the experience is lack luster even to my standards, I will be consumed by an overwhelming guilt for having brought them along and inconveniencing or even disappointing them. I don't even know if they'll play music I like either. And I will just hold on to the guilt for years. I'd rather miss out on seeing a band I like and do something that I can watch them enjoy and be thrilled with then try attempting whatever that will be.
Sometimes I think when I'm brave enough, I'll walk into the house one day and blow my brains out. I know there's at least two separate firearms that are loaded at all times. Not including the countless other guns that we have the ammunition for. Sometimes I want to buy my own gun, I can blow my brains out on my own dime. One of the reasons I haven't is because I have a 243 and 270 which are rifles I've used for hunting and very inconvenient in the killing yourself department. I never got into handguns much but if I do it right, I'll only need to pull the trigger once. I've been wanting to buy my own this year so I can get my concealed carry license with my friend.
I know my therapist says I think like because it's easier than facing my problems. I know it's just a cop-out.
I feel more stable off my birth control. I think I just forgot that I am still prone to thinking like a lazy bastard who wants an easy out at any given moment. Maybe it'll help me if I set a date and not a stupid one either.
