#musingsofmaura

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

louis and bucky kissing for the first time in tonight make me unstoppable is one of my favorite things i’ve written pretty much ever:

And then Louis opens his eyes and asks, “Can I kiss you?”

Bucky nods, and Louis cranes his neck up, and Bucky ducks his head slightly to meet him, both of them keeping their eyes open until the last moment, pulled together slow and steady and inevitable like magnets. Louis’ lips are chapped and dry, and his breath is sour from sleep, but his touch is so tender and warm, and his breath is so soft and frantic against Bucky’s mouth. He tilts his head slightly and kisses Bucky again, tongue flickering lightly against Bucky’s lips until he parts them.

And beneath his palm, Bucky feels the scratch of Louis’ beard, feels each hair individually and then all of them at once, feels the smoothness of his bare skin, feels the solidness of his bones and the hollow of his cheek, feels the rush of blood to his face through arterioles and capillaries, feels the molecules of air moving in and out of his mouth, feels the sensory receptors in his face feeling him, feels the action potentials firing and the synapses of his cranial nerves, feels the entirety of Louis’ being right there in his palm as Louis kisses him so sweetly and so insistently, and he holds Louis’ face in his trembling hand and lets himself be kissed, lets all of the information hit him at once until he can’t separate out the discrete components anymore, until he finally, finally stops thinking for once and just feels and feels and feels with everything he has.

15. something you learned this year

way too much about the mcu, for starters. way too much about bucky barnes and sebastian stan. i learned that any member of one direction can be shipped with any superhero, no exceptions, i’ll make it work. i learned that i can write something longer than a few thousand words. i learned that i can sustain inspiration across a longer timeframe instead of having to bang the whole thing out in one sitting. i learned that there is something really valuable in writing something that means a lot to you, even if it’s super weird and niche and most people aren’t going to be interested.

did you meet Jackson this summer? idk whether you overlapped or not. but pls be sure to be extra nice to him bc he’s the bestest dude in the whole world   

is the arm hollow or solid?

sorry, it took me a lil while to get to this! i did this back in september, when i was at a much different place in my life and mental health, so i’m gonna do this first and then i’m gonna go back and read what i said then.

so, i consider myself someone who doesn’t give up? which is maybe a weird thing to say about someone who has literally dropped out of school TWICE? but in terms of some broader picture, i think i’m someone who perseveres. even when i’m fucking miserable and i feel hopeless, i still find some way to push through and keep going, and a lot of things haven’t worked out for me, but i’ve still been dedicated to the idea that i’m here for SOME REASON and there has to be something meaningful i can do with my life to help other people.

i like my writing. i’d always hoped or assumed it would be something i did in some professional capacity, but i’m not really concerned with that anymore, because i really just want to write what i want, for myself, whenever i want to.

i am good with kids. like not in a way where i could ever be authoritative, i can’t set boundaries for shit, i’m not trying to say i could be a parent. but i’m good at making up games and songs and stories, and i like saying really wildly incorrect shit so that kids will correct me and feel proud of themselves for being so smart. kids think i’m funny and awesome, and they’re right 🙃

i am good with animals. i’m not crazy about huge dogs that aren’t well trained, but other than that, i wanna play with your cats and your dogs and your ferrets and your lizards and your mice and your snakes and whatever else, and they wanna play with me, too. “she’s shy around people she doesn’t know” false, we’re already best friends. i’m good with wild animals, too, like i know how to move quietly through their space without making eye contact so they don’t get spooked, i know how to give ducks and geese a bath so they can preen, i know how to take care of lil turtles that got caught up in an oil spill, i know how to hold a hawk or a heron or a big old owl so they won’t get you with their beaks or their talons.

i’m compassionate. i go back and forth on this, because sometimes i’m terrified i don’t actually have any feelings and i’m incapable of relating to people and i’ve only ever just been pretending to feel things like sorrow and empathy, but...that is not true. i’ve been through some bad shit, and i’ve spent a lot of time feeling lonely or disappointed or hopeless, and so it’s important to me that i reach out to people who are going through a hard time so that no one else ever has to be alone with thoughts or feelings like that. do i give great advice? probably not. do i absolutely always wish i could help? yes.

okay well here’s my old list. a little bit of overlap. september steph was much more subdued and had a much more difficult time with this than february steph did, but stephtember was going through some shit :(

Oslo: What keeps you warm?

lol uhhhhhh my own fucking overactive thermoregulation i am A L W A Y S too hot and it’s basically unbearable!!!! you know those girls who are always cold I CAN’T RELATE i have never worn a sweater in my life, i drink iced coffee year round (seriously there have been multiple occasions where i was drinking hot coffee in an area that wasn’t well ventilated and i got so overheated so fast i almost passed out), i start sweating just looking at pictures of louis in those tracksuits, today it was so hot in my apartment i thought i was gonna pass out and i looked at the thermostat and it was only like seventy degrees. it’s fun being me lol 🙃🙃

Mumbai: What is your favorite scent

i’m like...fairly sensitive to a lot of scents. anything too strongly floral is pretty unbearable. i like citrus scents a lot, and vanilla and cinnamon. fresh grated ginger. garlic and onions sizzling away in some olive oil. this coconut lime sugar scrub. i like lots of earthy smells, like wet grass and dirt and trees and all that shit. @queerlyalex sent me a soft raccoon friend who smells like lavender and flaxseed, and it’s subtle and light and nutty and v soothing. the smell of freshly ground coffee was pretty unbearable to me while i was a barista, but i’m back to loooooving it again.