BPD anon cont. - 1) what does being polyamorous mean to you? 2) how did you know you were polyamorous? 3) I know it's a part of her identity and this thought is irrational, but I can't help but feel I did something wrong and that I'm not good enough (despite what she tells me). Do you have any suggestions on how to combat this? If you choose to answer these questions, thank you so much for your help! If not, no hard feelings, and have a nice day :)
1) what does being polyamorous mean to you?
To me, polyamory is multiple relationships with the consent of everyone involved.
2) how did you know you were polyamorous?
I found out I was polyam by happenstance. I was having feelings while in a relationship and Tumblr actually exposed me to the terminology. Once I had the right words, and knew it was a “thing,” I knew it was me. And I’ve been living my life that way ever since (I “came out” as polyamorous at 16).
3) I know it's a part of her identity and this thought is irrational, but I can't help but feel I did something wrong and that I'm not good enough (despite what she tells me). Do you have any suggestions on how to combat this?
So my second polyamorous relationship I was still young, around 17 years old. And at that time, my partner had a car and a license and I didn’t. This meant that she went on more dates, had sex with more people, got more contact than I could. I don’t know if I felt like I did something wrong, but I was envious. What I do know, is that you sound very introspective, which is really good. You’re not blaming your partner for your insecurities, but ultimately, they’re just that. Polyamory should enhance all relationships (such as when a primary gets a secondary the primary relationship is still getting benefits from that secondary. ((I know now all people practice hierarchical but this is just one example)) I would take a deep look at my partner's actions. Are my needs still being met? Do they regularly tell me they love or care about me? Is my opinion valued when shared? Do we communicate issues up front? These are some good starter questions to ask yourself. You would be surprised at the answers. If your partner meets your needs and you’re overall happy (except for instances where you feel negatively) then it is more than likely still a good relationship. There just needs to have a re-framing of the mind. This isn’t easy, either. And takes time. If your partner tells you you didn’t do anything wrong, believe them. If they remind you you are good enough, believe them.
It is tough being mono with a polyamorous person, but that doesn't mean it won’t work. It sounds like you have a person you care about and can be comfortable with them seeing other people, as long as you feel secure in the relationship. That’s all we ever want to feel. Like our efforts are reciprocated. Take the time to talk to your partner and ask these questions to yourself. With those answers, you can decide the next steps.
You already took the first step by reaching out for more information. You’re on the right path. I’m willing to answer any question you have!
