It feels as thought my mentality has changed. I now think, having āfeelingsā such as lust, love or even reliance on another individual is a sign of weakness. And I hate to be weak. I hate to let weakness overcome me. Itās made me bitter towards myself and others to the point I despise the thought of marriage and companionship. Because instead of considering it as a union. Teamwork, reliance on one another. It seems pretty impossible for me to show another human a vulnerable side of me. I donāt know why.
I was NEVER like this. I used to be the sort of person who loved the thought of companionship at a young age. I donāt know whatās changed. Priorities maybe? Responsibility? I guess when you donāt have a father and have to step into the role of being one of the breadwinners. Things change. When your family rely on you. Things change. You change.
I never thought it would affect me tbh. It all happened 5 years ago. But iāve realised that it has affected me. A Lot. More now, than before. Perhaps because Iām getting older. But i hate it.. Itās made me bitter towards myself. I donāt hate males..well, I donāt want to. But its just made me bitter and I donāt understand why so suddenly.
Itās makes you independent, to the point where you donāt NEED a male in your life. You donāt NEED them at all. If one day I did get married. It would be because I want to, not because i need to. Thereās a difference. A big difference. And that doesnt make me a bad person for not needing anyone. I guess a time will come where i learn that I too must give in to allow a man into my life for marriage. But until then. I donāt owe anyone anything. Iāll be who I need to be to support my family. And if that makes people think iām unfair or selfish because I donāt give my time to anyone else, so be it.