#much big

Late night thoughts.

About 2 hours ago I felt shitty so I decided to drink some white-wine and take a warm bath cause.. Fuckitwhynot? Didn't end up taking a bath just a warm, long shower but it was soothing. Feel strangely sober- though it was only a single glass of wine a few hours ago.

Anyway- for some reason I'm craving the biting cold of winter on my face while I'm bundled up in a warm winter jacket(s). Usually I don't relish the ensnarling feeling of winter's early dark, it's cold, strong, winds and deep, occasionally muddy snows. Nor it's gray days and Global Warming-ed sleet. But tonight.. For some reason... I'd really like to walk through a quiet icy cold forest while snow-flakes melt on my warm skin.

I was looking at the snow postcast (opposite of forecast? They were weather records.) and I guess it usually snows by Nov. or Dec. here and every year since 2018 we've been getting significantly less snow. like 10 inches less each year from a high of 42.. I remember in 2017 it snowed on Halloween. (That was a shock!)

At the same time there's this strong feeling inside me that wants to go do or find something novel, something memorable, meaningful- purposeful. A road-trip far West? A flight or weeklong vacation somewhere I've never been?

It's a weird feeling both the urge to leave and "Just GO....!" ...somewhere. Find somewhere new and novel but also find somewhere I feel like I belong, somewhere I know I'm not wasting my time and life. Somewhere wherein every day doesn't blur by like waves on a beach. I guess my heart and brain are screaming out for meaning and purpose and belonging... and someone to hold and give meaning to my hours. Alas I don't know where to go to find any of that. :-/