#msj warning

Paul: I’m going to kill Mark!  Vinnie, completely monotone: Oh no. Don’t.

Eric: I just wanna be called cute 21/7.  Paul: Why no 24/7?  Eric: Snack breaks.

Mark: Define “dream”.  Eric: Dream - the first thing people abandon when they learn how the world works.  Gene: That’s too dark!

Vinnie: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff.  Mark: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!

Vinnie: I think it's time to start fucking some shit up.  Paul: Oh no.  Vinnie: More like "oh yes!"

Gene: Eric, you can do anything!  Eric: Anything?  Gene: Anything!  Eric, holding a torch: ANYTHING?!?!  Gene: Wait, not that!

Paul: What do you three have to say for yourself?  Vinnie: Eric: Gene: Oops?

Mark N: I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.  Eric: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

Mark: Seriously, all you do is bitch.  Vinnie: I happen to bitch the perfect amount for someone in my situation.

*Talking about Mark N* Paul: Well, Eric, is there anything you would like to say to Mark?  Eric: How do I put this delicately? You’re a horrible bandmate and nobody likes you.  Paul: How about we frame our statement with “When you do this, it makes me feel this”?  Eric: When you come here, it makes me angry. Because you’re a horrible bandmate and nobody likes you.

Tommy: Uhh.. Vinnie just asked if we want to…  Tommy: “Fell the mighty before their time and display their carcasses in our homes?”  Gene, not even looking up from his phone: He’s asking if you wanna cut down Christmas Trees.  Tommy: Oh, that makes more sense.

Mark: *in a jail cell* What about my Miranda rights!? You’re supposed to say I have ‘the right to remain silent’”! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!  Vinnie: *in the cell next to him* You have the right to remain silent, what you lack is the capacity!

Paul: Oh and for your information, I don't have an ego.  Paul: My facebook photo is a landscape.

Mark: Vinnie, are you okay?!  Vinnie: I told you to stop asking stupid questions!!

Gene: We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.  Mark: Scrabble? Scrabble’s great.  Gene: Not when you’re playing with Paul, it’s not. He puts in words like “ephemeral” and I put “dog.”

Eric: If looking good was a crime, you’d be a law abiding citizen.

Paul: I’m Bisexual and confused.  Paul: Not at the fact that I’m a Bisexual, I just never know what the FUCK is going on.

Vinnie: I will be using so much pink you’ll be seeing green by the end from sensory deprivation.

Eric: I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

Bruce: *casually taking four stairs at a time*  Paul, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-

Eric: Paul, what if there are monsters?  Paul: Don’t worry, we’re top of the food chain.  (Much later…) Eric, lying awake at night: I am the monster.

Mark, with his hands cupped over each other: I found a cool spider!  Vinnie: Oh? Lemme see!  Mark, opening his hands to see nothing there: …hm.  Paul: …where’s the spider.  Mark: *looks troubled and stares at his hands*  Vinnie: Oh no.  Paul: MARK, WHERE’S THE SPIDER?!

Eric: But what about Ace?  Gene: Don't worry about him.  Gens: I once watched him fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating his hotdog like nothing happened.

Mark: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?!  Eric: Merry crisis.  Eric: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way.  Paul: Hoe hoe hoe.  Mark: Guys, please.

*Vinnie gets a phone call*  Vinnie: Hello?  Dana: Hi, is Mark there? I need to talk to him.  Vinnie: No, Mark is dead.  Mark, very much alive next to Vinnie: Vinnie WHAT THE FUCK-

Mark N, looking over Eric’s shoulder: You can draw?  Eric, stopping what he was doing: You can speak?

*In the chip aisle at Walmart, doing a late-night grocery run.*  Eric: *Minding his own business, looking for tortilla chips.*  Eric: *Finds tortilla chips.*  Vinnie, to Mark: See, he knows what he’s here for. He knows what he’d doing. Be more like him. Make a decision, Mark!

Mark: Hi, who's this? Dana changed all of my contacts to mythical creatures.  Vinnie: What's mine?  Mark: Dwarf.  Vinnie: HE’S SO MEAN, I'M NOT THAT SHORT!  Mark: Oh, hey Vinnie.  Vinnie: FUCK!

Gene: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Vinnie's birthday invitations.  Paul: Well, what are they supposed to say?  Gene: "Vinnie's birthday".  Paul: So, what do they say instead?  Gene: "Vinnie’s bi".  Paul: Paul: Works out either way.

Paul: You’re alive.  Vinnie: No need to sound so disappointed.

Mark, to Peter: Look at you! All cute and small! I could just eat you up!  Peter: *proceeds to kick him in the shin and run away*  Vinnie, walking past: Rule number 1, don't call Peter cute or small.

Vinnie: Can I ask you for a favor?  Eric: I would literally die for you, but continue.  Vinnie: We need to talk about you starting sentences that way.

Paul: You’re drunk.  Eric: Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, Paul.

*at 3am* (probably during the Hot In The Shade tour) Mark: *runs into Eric’s room and turns on the light* Wake up sleepyhead!  Eric: *wakes up* Dude!  Mark: *cackles*  Vinnie: *sits up from where he was sleeping behind Eric* What the fuck, Mark?  Mark: *jaw drops* Wait WHAT-

Mark: Smart is attractive. Educate me on something I don't know!  Eric: The mouth of a jellyfish is also an asshole. :) Mark: Stop.

Mark, throwing a pokeball at Vinnie: Vinnie, I choose you!  Vinnie, not looking up from his book and catching it: You need an Ultra ball to catch this Legendary Pokémon.

Mark: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, that’s fucked up. Like c'mon, you know I’m dumb as hell!

Paul: If it pleases the court I would like to say that my opponent is TALKING SHIT!  Vinnie: ...

Mark: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird?  Eric: Yes, and that’s coming from me.

Dana: I can’t tell if you’re a genius or just incredibly arrogant.  Vinnie: Well, on a good day, I’m both.

Vinnie: Let’s write Dana a friendly note, shall we? Dear... Incompetent... Dumbass...

Mark: I’ve never smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there was no pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.

Gene: "What are you into?" is such a broad question, like do I reply with a TV series or choking?

Vinnie: Don’t mansplain this to me!  Carrie: I’m a woman! I can't mansplain anything to you!  Vinnie: Well, I’m a feminist, and I believe a woman can do anything a man does!

Gene: Where is everyone?  Eric: Eric had a shutdown, Bruce is looking after him, and Paul is trying to kill Vinnie, so I’m in charge.  Gene: Oh my God!  Eric: I know, right?

Mark: Oh, here’s my award for the most rules broken!  Gene: That’s not an award, it’s an angry letter from your boss.  Mark, hanging it on the wall: Well, it has the word ‘most’ in it, so I’m calling it an award!

Mark: I'm hot, I’m tall, I'm bi, and I'm on my theatre kid arc.

Bobby: Vinnie, can you keep an eye on Mark today? I feel like he’s going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.  Vinnie: Sure, I'd love to see Mark getting punched.  Dana: Try again.  Vinnie, sighing: I will try to stop Mark from getting punched.

Mark: *running towards Vinnie with open arms*  Vinnie: *moves out of the way*  Mark: Hey, why'd you move?!  Vinnie: I thought you were going to attack me.  Mark: I was going to hug you!  Vinnie: Why would you hug me?  Mark: WHY WOULD I ATTACK YOU!?

Vinnie: It’s funny how well you and Paul get along. Didn’t he hate you at first?  Gene: Paul hates everybody at first. It’s his way of reaching out to people.

Mark: Everybody shut up, I'm thinking.  Vinnie, patting him on the back: Well, don’t think too hard. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.

Mark: >:/

Paul: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.  Vinnie: ...We're on the ground floor.  Paul: I know but I want a dramatic exit.

Vinnie: That's a nice argument, Dana Why don't you back it up with a source?  Dana: My source is that I made it the fuck up!

Eric: Did you bring Gene?  Eric, gesturing to Paul: No, but I brought the next best thing.  Eric: Paul? The next best thing would be Vinnie.  Paul: Normally I would be offended, but Vinnie is freakishly strong.

Vinnie: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off?  Eric: What? No, I—  Mark: *enters room*  Vinnie: *jaw clenches*

Eric: I ran into Vinnie in the kitchen at 1 AM last night and when I asked him what he was doing, he just shrugged, said “these are my roaming hours,” and wandered off, strumming vaguely on his guitar.

Paul: God, I love Eric.  Vinnie: Yeah, you fucking better.

Gene: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed off the souls of the living I strike fear into-  Paul: You sleep with a teddybear.  Gene: He’s my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

Paul: Fun Fact! The average person will walk by 36 murderers in their lifetime.  Mark: I like how this is a "fun" fact.  Vinnie: It's fun because they didn't decide to murder you, Mark. :)

Gene: Sophie is at that very special age where a girl only has one thing on her mind.  Mark: Boys?  Shannon: Homicide.

Bruce: How would you like your pancakes?  Paul: Plain.  Mark: With sprinkles!  Eric: Chocolate chips.  Bobby: Potatoes.  *Paul, Mark, and Eric look at Bobby*  Bobby: What? They're good.

Paul: *running into the room* Gene just said he doesn’t love me anymore!  Eric: Wha—?!

Gene: *following him in* I did not say that. I just said that we are not driving all the way across the country just so you can punch Vinnie in the face.

Mark: Ow!  Vinnie: What’s wrong?  Mark: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.  Vinnie: It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Eric: I desire moisture.  Bruce: Please just say "I want water" like a normal person.

Vinnie: How the hell are you still alive?  Mark: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.

Shannon, pointing to the wall: What color is this?  Eric: Gray.  Paul: Grey.  Shannon, turning to Gene: Now tell them what color you think it is.  Gene: Dark white.

Ace, admiring a sleeping Peter: You’re so cute.  Peter, sleepily: I could beat your ass.  Ace, lovingly: I know.

Vinnie: I’m sorry, I really flew off the handle back there. It was like the handle was a bald guy going really fast, and I was his toupée.

Bruce: Eric noticed only today that he can label his email inboxes, but he took apart his entire laptop two weeks ago.  Blas: This reminds me of the Eric who couldn’t turn on the coffee maker, but remembers about 50 digits of pi.  Bruce: I’ll be delighted to inform you that this is the very same Eric.

Paul: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city.  Gene: Well, that was entirely predictable.  Paul: One of them punched a gang member.  Gene: Eric?  Paul: Vinnie, actually.  Gene: Oh, he was going to be my second guess.

Gene, in a room with Paul, Mark, and Vinnie: It’s calm in here.  Gene: It scares me…

Dana: It’s Pride Month, you know what that means!  Mark: I get to eat as many Skittles as I want?  Dana: What? No! What has Eric been telling you?  Eric, walking in, pouring Skittles into his mouth: Taste the rainbow, bitch.

Vinnie: What the hell is wrong with you?  Paul: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I’m better than everyone else.

Vinnie: 😬

Mark: Okay happy campers! If you were a fruit what would you be and why?  Eric: I'd be a tomato because no one accepts me as part of the group.  Mark: ...  Eric: ...  Mark: OKAY HAPPY CAMPERS-

Paul: What's worse than a heartbreak?  Gene: Waking up in the morning and your phone wasn't charging.  Eric: Waking up in the morning.  Eric: Waking up.  Vinnie: Waking up in the morning... And seeing Mark.  Mark: Hey! Rude!!

*Everyone is playing a board game together*  Gene: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'.  Vinnie: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'.  Dana: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'.  Paul: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'.  Dana: *flips the board*

*texting*

Eric: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to Gene and Paul’s convo?  Vinnie: Me. I'm in the laundry basket.  Eric: I'm in the washing machine.  Mark: I'm in the closet.  Vinnie: We accept you Mark. <3  Mark: No I'm literally in the closet.  Vinnie: Love is love. <3

Vinnie: I don’t know how you have your foot in your mouth, your head up your ass, and your nose in my business. But here we are, you fucking wizard.

Eric, on the phone: Uh. . Hey, Vinnie, i uh, I’ve been stabbed.  Bobby: WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU?  Eric: Wait- You aren’t Vinnie. Sorry- I didn’t mean to call you-  Bobby: NO, WHERE ARE YOU? IM COMING THERE. IM NOT GOING TO LEAVE SOMEONE ALONE THATS BEEN STABBED. Eric: Well, umm-

Eric: Being smart has never stopped me from being a complete fucking idiot.

Eric: We need a diversion. I say Paul gets naked.  Vinnie: No.  Eric: I could get naked.  The band: NO!!!

Mark: *bites lip* Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?  Cop: That isn’t gonna work, hands behind your back.

Mark: :(

Eric: It’s just… no matter what I do, no one wants to be friends with me.  Paul: Yeah I literally can’t relate to that problem at all, but you know who NO ONE likes? HEY Vinnie~  Vinnie: First of all, how dare you—

Eric: Hey Vin, I’ve organized your messages into three categories.  Eric: “From Paul”  Eric: “Death Threats”  Eric: and “Death Threats From Paul”

Eric: Will Mark be okay?  Vinnie: He won’t be when I find him.

Eric: *raises eyebrows*  Bruce: Put those back down!

Paul: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up!  Paul: Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!

Vinnie: Guess what?  Mark: What?  Vinnie: No, you have to guess.  Mark, thinking: I don’t know.  Vinnie: Dana is in the hospital.  Mark: Why would you make me guess that?! What happened?!

Mark: *nudges Vinnie at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. Vinnie? Wake up, Vinnie! Listen! They're sexless!  Vinnie: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.

Vinnie: What’s up with you?  Dana: What do you mean?  Vinnie: You’ve been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What’s your game?

Mark: Guys, Vinnie is missing.  Dana: Good.

Vinnie: You know, when I first met you I thought you were a real bitch.  Paul: What changed your mind?  Vinnie: Oh, now I know that you’re a fake bitch. Why do you ask?

Bruce: What kinds of sounds annoy you?  Vinnie: Are we talking real sounds or imaginary ones?  Bruce, now interested: Lets say imaginary.  Vinnie: Spiders wearing flip flops.

Bruce, watching Dana and Mark fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?  Vinnie, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other.  Bruce: Then... who’s the strongest out of you three?  Dana: Vinnie.  Mark: Vinnie.  Vinnie: Me.

Eric: I dare you-  Vinnie: Mark is not allowed to accept dares anymore.  Eric: Why not?  Mark: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say.

Paul: You played me!  Vinnie: Like the cheap kazoo you are!

Dana: I hope no one lowkey hates me.  Dana: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being.  Dana: Go big or go home.

Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Vinnie*  Vinnie: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could be bothered to drag a comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

Eric: Once Tommy thanked me and I couldn’t decide between “No problem!” and “No worries!” so I yelled “No worms!” to him as he walked away.

Vinnie: Paul’s gonna kill me.  Gene: No, he’ll probably make me do it.

Paul: Alright, so the vampire's gravestone is—  Vinnie: Cenotaph.  Paul: What?  Vinnie: It's only a gravestone if it marks the location of a body. A monument honouring someone whose body isn't present is a cenotaph.  Paul: I'm... not sure that's how it works if the body gets up and walks away on its own.  Vinnie: There's a precedent for gravestones being reclassified as cenotaphs if the body is later removed and reinterred elsewhere. There's no rule that says the body itself can't do the removing.  Paul: Okay, but the body is very much coming back. That's kind of what we're here to accomplish.  Vinnie: So it's a temporary cenotaph.  Paul: And naturally our greatest concern here is avoiding semantic ambiguity.  Vinnie: Semantic ambiguity is how vampires get you.

Eric: *Hugs Paul from behind*  Eric: *Tucks Paul's hair behind his ear*  Eric, whispering: Eat all the frosted animal crackers again and they'll never find your body.

Eric: What’s sexting?  Paul: I'm not having this conversation with you.

Vinnie: We wouldn’t last two minutes without Bruce.  Eric: Vinnie: Don’t tell him I said that.

Paul, to Vinnie: Let’s tell each other a secret about ourselves. I’m gonna go first. I hate you.  Vinnie: I thought we were telling each other secrets.

Mark, excitedly: Heeyy!!  Dana: Hey, someone's excited.  Vinnie, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick.

Robert: Yes, I'm adopting Vinnie and you cowards can't tell me no!

Paul: You don't know anything about me!  Vinnie: I know EVERYTHING about you! You are an open book written for illiterate toddlers!

Dana: Okay, how do I look? Be honest.  Paul: There’s no critic more honest than Gene!  Gene: Bad.

*Gene is comforting Paul*  Gene: Stop crying because it’s over. Start smiling because Ace is someone else’s problem now.

Vinnie: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?  Bruce: Maybe a bit tipsy?  Eric: Drunk.  Eric: Wasted.  Paul: Dead.

Paul: If I fall down these stairs, I'm just going to lay down and accept my fate.

Eric: Uh, Dana? Mark is in the pool and I don't think he’s waterproof.  Dana: What?  Vinnie: I think he meant, Mark is drowning.  Dana: WHAT?!  *Meanwhile*  Mark: *is drowning*  Bobby: OH MY GOD, MARK! KEEP SWIMMING!  Mark: I can't swim— *sinks*  Bobby: *jumps in*

Gene: What’s your biggest fear?  Eric: That I’ll never be good enough for anyone.  Vinnie: Everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back.  Mark: Zombies.  Eric: ...  Vinnie: ...  Mark: BUT they can open doors.

Gene: I see.

Mark: Today is Nonbinary Awareness Day!  Mark, staring into Vinnie’s eyes: I AM AWARE OF YOU.  Vinnie: Really wish you weren’t.

(disclaimer: Mark is incorrect but close enough.)

*after discussing a plan*  Vinnie: Does anyone have any questions?  Bobby: Is this legal?  Vinnie: Does anyone have any relevant questions?

Eric: I have a lie detector in my shirt.  Paul: …What? Weirdo. Take it off, then.  Gene: Why do you want him to take off his shirt?  Paul: WHAT- NO I DON’T…  Eric: beep-beep. :)

Vinnie: *out cold on the ground*  Mark: Oh my God, do you think he’s okay?!  Dana, holding a bucket of ice water: Who cares?! *dumps all of the water on Vinnie’s face*

Vinnie:

Vinnie: FUCK!

Mark: Here's two facts about me.  Mark: 1. I hate hot people.  Mark: 2. I'm a hypocrite.

*That one time in Amsterdam*

Eric: Gene has no idea I’m high.  Gene: You’re high?  Eric: Oh, I’m sorry.  Eric, leaning over to Bruce: Gene has no idea I’m high.

Mark: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants more advanced than us.  Vinnie: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."

Bobby: Hey, can we stay in your room tonight?  Eric: Why?  Bobby: Mark fiddled with an ouija board and accidentally summoned some spirits.  Dana: Vinnie doesn't know how to banish spirits, so he just throws salt at them and yell "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A SPIRIT HOTEL TO YOU?!" 

Eric: Wow. I keep stepping on a lot of crunchy twigs.  Robert: Those are bones, Kitty.  Eric: *looks straight up* Not if I never look down.

Eric: To everyone who has treated me poorly; I am sexier than you.

I hope.

Gene: I'd roast you, but my mom says you can't burn trash.  Gene: *slow-mo walks out of the room*

Gene: Wow, you guys are back pretty early from the movies. What happened?  Paul: We got kicked out because Vinnie wouldn't stop yelling diving scores as people jumped off the Titanic.  Vinnie: That last guy had a solid 8, I'm telling you!

Mark: Silence is golden.  Vinnie: Duct tape is silver.