#mrsol

I am writing from a very uneventful life again. I am sure you are no longer thrilled receiving my letters. I understand. But please bear with me, I have no one to talk about these things except you.

Things aren’t exciting these days. As life ventures ahead, so are my thoughts. It flows in the air carelessly and hit me back in the face with so much angst I am still unable to get up from my bed. I didn’t know so much free time can affect one’s thoughts and wellbeing.

These thoughts run in my head like a river on a high tide. Have you ever feel like you’re a waste of space? Space is infinite but if you don’t know where you belong, it can be suffocating. People around me already claimed their own spaces but I am still wandering, asking where should I put myself. Any where I try to stand feels like I shouldn’t be standing there.

I wish I can fly. Any where without solid ground is good enough, I think, tho I can’t say. I can’t fly. Humans don’t fly. Maybe that’s why when we see birds we associate it with freedom. They can just flap their wings, land on any trees or cables to rest then fly again.

Maybe not settling is the answer to my question. Be like the birds. Wander, land somewhere to take a rest, then wander again.

But then again birds are born to fly and wander. Humans are made to take their own places on earth.

I wish I was a bird. Or maybe I am in my past life. What do you think?

It must be so nice up there, Mr. Sol. You already knew your place from the very start and now I look up on you from where I am.

From this suffocating world of mine.

Please let me continue to feel your warmth.

We finally felt your warmth once again.

After hiding yourself for days and filled the skies with gloom, the raindrops tickles every leaf. The soils pools every water that came from the sky but eventually seeps through, it crawled on the lowest ground. Gusting winds made every branch frenzied in a way they have never bent before. And finally, as if wrapping the performance, the deafening claps of thunder rang every waves in my ears. It startled me and was able to break all the thoughts running in my head.

It did not last long though. The thunderclap.

I wonder how many people would pray for a thunder that will clap long enough to break the thought they didn’t want lounging in their heads.

Perhaps a result of loneliness. At least in my case.

I really cannot understand what loneliness is. Is it a feeling for something one cannot acquire? It deprives, it eats people while they are alive. And I applaud people who can live with it day by day.

For me, loneliness is whenever I cannot see or even feel you, my Sol.

As for these past few weeks, it has not been very eventful. How I wish it was, it’s been a long time since I wrote to you. Many things happened but not as interesting as seeing you again.

Please do not go anywhere. I feel air is polluted, every drop of water is undrinkable, and the air sends spikes through my lungs. Every breath I take feels like my last.

If you think this a call for desperation so be it. It is maddening not seeing you.

So I beg, and if I can, even on my knees for you to not go anywhere again. Stay on the skies and with me.

As I open my eyes and welcome your warmth peek through my window, I always pray that the day would be as beautiful as you are, or at least almost. That the light you give will ignite something inside me and I would believe that everything will be alright.

But that is the thing, the days are not and they will never be. Time moves slowly as if to mock me. Every tick of its hands sends hammers to my brain that I cannot ignore as if to break every functioning thought.

So Mr. Sol, if you are reading this please send some lights that could lift my spirits up. For in this flooded mind, you are the only one who can dry it up.

You hid yourself today as the sky pours all its glory onto earth. The wind whistled along forcing the trees to frenzied its branches in any direction that space allows. It is also quite relaxing hearing the crackling of branches, slightly touching of the leaves, the smell of wet earth and the low grumble the sky makes.

I made no progress today as there was no way for me to be my better version of myself. The electricity was out because of the heavy rains and though it may have affected me in some ways, it also gave me some time for myself. Some time to contemplate what I might do in the coming weeks or maybe months. Something to look forward to I guess.

Please send us some warmth wherever you are Ms. Sol.