#movingonishard

I need to keep reminding myself of this...

I hate how I still think about you I hate how little things remind me of you I hate how much I miss your voice I hate how much I miss you calling me baby I hate how much I miss your smile I hate how much I miss your cuddles I hate how much I miss you ... But above all, I hate how at times it feels like you feel the same- yet you are unwilling to do anything about it.

Sleep is supposed to be where I go to escape. But you can't even let me have that. Why can't you let me go? Why can't I let you go? Blink-182 always reminds me of you. Everything reminds me of you. 4 years is a long time to amass memories, connections, recollections. "But what do you do with…with all the memories we have?" "You just don't think about them. I just don't think about them." How is it so easy for you? You can just do that? Tell me how to do that.

I can't even fucking open up instagram anymore. Why don't you guys ever look fucking happy? Be goofy. Stop posting for a fucking audience. Post for yourfuckingself. Help others. Do more. Be fucking more. Be raw. Be real. Be open. Be vulnerable. Fuck facades. Fuck popular. Fuck cool. Fuck comfortable. Fuck motorcycles. Fuck hipsters. Fuck you for Christ's sake. Be able to be in the same fucking public place that your ex also happens to be at, and be a fucking real person. Care that that person is still alive. Fucking piece of shit.

The other day I went to turn on my old phone to listen to my music that is still on it. It would not turn on so I just let it be and tried again then next day. It still wouldn't turn on. When I went to school I had it plugged in charging the whole day, thinking it was just dead. When I got home from school it was fully charged. It still didn't want to turn on. At this point I was pretty upset and trying not to think the worst. I took it into my phone company to see if they knew what was wrong with it. They tried everything they could but they too had no luck. So to come to conclusion it is completely dead. It just frustrates me so much because I have everything from us on that phone. Maybe it's a good thing I can't t go back and look at our old messages but right now I am just so frustrated and angry about the whole thing.

I am going to start being myself for a change. I don't need someone else defining who I am. I guess I am better off alone. 

#sadbuttrue #movingonishard #noonewantstogiveup #whatif #why #reality #dontbeafraid