#moving panels

  Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week brings us Brave One Solomon Steen once again. We also have Liam Hayes in blue, and Ryan Kroboth with a pencil assist. I’m the one in raging in red. Let’s all see what we have in

Cowbird

A couple of notes: this came in at a font size of 9.5(?). You’re all welcome.

Secondly, this was for a writing challenge of my own devising, despite what Solomon says here. Basically, it had to be a completely silent script of no more than 5 pages. By silent, I mean no dialogue, no captions, no internal monologues, nothing. Sound effect were okay, but that was it. Solomon gives us the rest…

Silent Script Contest:

Additional Requirements:

Must Have A Ball

Must Have A 12-Panel Page

Characters Robin A quiet first-grade student, she has a gap toothed smile, long braids, and a large forehead. She has a vaguely-crescent shaped port-wine stain1 on her face under her left eye. Her arms are covered in swirls of freckles. She is casually dressed in a longsleeved striped shirt, khakis, and flats.

Heath & Forest Robin’s current brothers. Twin pre-schoolers, both of their heads shaved: they wear matching coverall shorts and polo shirts. Heath has a juice stain on his shirt from the car ride over. Forest has a scar on his knee that extends partway past the end of his shorts.

Rosa Robin’s current mother. A large-framed, fat woman in her mid-thirties, she has no chin and a thick neck. She wears several gold bracelets, chunky earrings, and a turquoise necklace.

Robin’s doppelgängers There are four, ages: 16; 32 (also seen at 24); 56 (also seen at 48); 96 (also seen at 88). They all have Robin’s facial mark and freckles, and look like her at later stages of her life.

(Again, a lot of characters here. Do you need them all?)

Page 1

Panel 1 Wide, slightly overhead view: The children’s section of a Macy’s-type (mid-range) department store: (I don’t know what a Macy’s is. Couldn’t you describe it in more accessible terms?) (This just needs a little bit of research on the editor’s part. If I didn’t know what a department store looked like, or came across an unfamiliar term, I’d research it in order to understand it. This isn’t the fault of the writer. This may be fatigue on the editor’s part for this particular writer.) Robin sits in a pastel-upholstered chair, engagedly (I don’t know if that’s a word.) (It isn’t, but I can let it slide. Communication was accomplished because it was obvious what was meant without confusion being had.) reading a book on a small tablet computer. Heath sits on a couch behind her to the left, playing a game on a system similar to a 3DS; he is sandwiched between a pile of clothes – still on their hangers – and his mother’s purse – almost as tall as him, taller with the straps. Forest is indignantly allowing Rosa to pose him in a church outfit in front of a triptych mirror.

    Title Cowbird

Panel 2 Low shot in front of Forest: Forest has swung both his arms in front of him and has also leaned his upper body forward to exaggerate the effort it takes to drag himself back to the dressing room. Behind him, Rosa is gently admonishing him to be careful with those shoes. (How does that come across silently?) (And you’ve already lost me. Where did this magic dressing room come from? We’d have seen it in panel one. Set up your scenes properly.) (This makes no sense. Pre-schoolers give attitude, that I get. But this kind of adult attitude? No. This is teenage attitude.)

NO COPY (I see zero use for NO COPY is scripts with dialogue, it’s even more useless in a silent comic.) (The reason for this is simple: the artist doesn’t have to make sure to account for any space for dialogue when they see “no copy.” It means, for them, that they can just draw. Silent script or not, it makes for good practice. What should be upsetting you, if anything, is that it doesn’t say “no copy” in panel 1.)

Panel 3 Side view: Robin is setting her tablet into her mother’s purse with one hand as she holds a dress from the pile beside Heath with the other. (What? Reread that. Does it give you a clear picture of what’s happening. It doesn’t for me.)

NO COPY

Panel 4 Slightly low side-view: Robin, having already changed into the dress, is skipping towards the triptych mirror. Forest sits atop the clothing beside Heath, back in his old outfit, and thoroughly enjoying a game on the tablet; he is moving his whole body to turn the tablet, as if shifting his weight will help him move faster in the game. (Apparently this is now an episode of Quantum Leap, because your characters are jumping in time and space.) (And again, there’s a lack of understanding what does and doesn’t come across in a drawing. Ryan, you’re up. Don’t forget to make it look like turning his whole body will help him move faster in the game. That has to come across in the drawing. If it doesn’t, either you’ve failed, or the writer has.)

NO COPY

Panel 5 Close view: Robin, standing before the mirrors, is rubbing her ear (motion lines) (She is starting to lose her hearing. This is visualized on the page with a bubble full of TV static that sits in a prominent position on the panel that does not obstruct the view of either of the characters. The bubble is small and irregularly shaped, like a cigarette burn. The bubble, though in the field of the mirrors, does not appear in any of the three reflections.) Rosa is adjusting the hem of the dress Robin is trying on. (Yeah, I dunno if that’s going to come across well. Also, this is lettering direction surely?)(If there’s a word balloon on this—or any—page, then you’ve failed the challenge. Pure and simple. That isn’t a sound effect, that’s dialogue. And getting across that she’s losing her hearing isn’t going to come across because she’s rubbing her ear. Basically, you have no idea how to tell a story in this medium. Hell, we already knew this.)

NO COPY

It’s like you’re not putting down everything you’re seeing in your head. We’re only getting half the picture. Make sure you reread you descriptions with an objective mindset. As a first page, this is a ‘meh’ from me.

  P1 is down!

  To be honest, I’m about ready to set the Line of Demarcation and just call it crap. This way we can all just relax and settle into it. But I’m willing to give the benefit of the doubt.

  What do we have here? Children that are no older than seven acting as though they’re seventeen. Wait. Let me rephrase. The unnamed female child is no older than seven, and the unnamed other children are no older than five. They’re uncharacteristically mature for their ages. It doesn’t track. The suspension of disbelief is going right out the window.

  I see no reason for the children to be looking at themselves in the mirror. They aren’t making any decisions for themselves, and they certainly aren’t paying for the clothes. I remember having clothes bought for me and having to try them on in the store. At that age, my wishes were very minimal in the final decision as to whether or not the clothes were bought. Also, there wasn’t any mirror-looking. My mother looked at the clothes. I understand that you’re going after a point here, but I think it’s going to be forced. I don’t think it’s going to come off very well.

  And finally, again, it doesn’t seem like you know how to tell a story in this medium. Some things work, some things don’t. You’re writing things that don’t.

  Some things can come across in the panel description with the help of dialogue, but without it, you have to be even clearer in your storytelling in order for the audience to follow what you’re getting at. You aren’t clear here. The moments in time you’re telling don’t connect as well as they should in order to give a sense of what’s happening. You have too much time being passed in the gutters.

  Guess it’s time for me to talk about Time again.

  There are two kinds of Time in comics: border time, and gutter time.

  Border time is what happens within the confines of the panel borders. These are your actions. These are what you’re writing the panel descriptions about.

  Gutter time is the time that takes place between the borders. If you have Spider-Man going from Midtown High to the Empire State Building, you don’t want to show all the swinging in between. All you need it two panels: one showing him leaving Midtown High, and one showing him arriving at or near the Empire State Building. The traveling really happened between the borders in the gutter. Gutter time.

  Gutter time is very important to a writer, because this is where they truly manipulate Time, and thus, the reading experience. Too much Time in the gutter, and the reader can be thrown out of the story. Too little, and the story/scene can drag.

  The absolute hell of it is that there isn’t any formula. You have to go by the feel of the story you’re telling. For silent stories, I’d suggest closer moments in time, in order for the reader to string the story along in their minds since there aren’t any words to read.

  Time. You have to learn to be its master.

Page 2

Panel 1 Slightly overhead shot: The family is leaving the clothing store, and entering the rest of the mall. They are on the second floor. Forest is carrying a full bag, drawn up to his chin, while Heath is accepting a bag from Rosa. Rosa is fishing in her purse with her free hand. She still has bags hanging on both of her elbows. Robin is following behind all three of them: she’s carrying bags in both of her hands and rubbing her ear with her shoulder. A bubble of static remains on the panel, though it has shrunk from its previous size. [From this point on, the individual bubbles of static may expand and contract, but they will consistently increase in number and together cover a progressively greater area of every panel (up to 30%.)] (So it’s a progressive failure. I’m setting the Line of Demarcation right here for the simple fact that there’s no way for this not to fail the challenge. Congratulations. You’re the second person to fail a writing challenge. At least the first one was an honest try. I can’t call this an honest try.)

NO COPY

Panel 2 Low, front view: Forest has tripped forward. The bag he was carrying has swung forward with his momentum, hitting Heath in the back. Heath has braced himself against the leg of an elderly woman using a walker who was trying to pass them by. (Magical old lady.) (Really, would you give a five year old a bag to carry? Let alone multiple bags?)

NO COPY

Panel 3 Front view: The elderly woman has reached out to brace herself against the railing that prevents her from tumbling to the first floor. Rosa is facing forward, away from the boys and the elderly woman, with a concerned and slightly surprised expression on her face as she holds her cell to her ear. (Character placement here is wrong. Where is Rosa? In front of them? Off to the side?)

NO COPY

Panel 4 Close view: Robin has closed her eyes and is shaking her head. She is lagging behind the rest of her family and obstructing the path of other shoppers.

NO COPY

Panel 5 Low (Child-level) view: Rosa has turned to glare at the boys as Forest receives a retaliatory bag to the face from his (off panel) (Why off-panel? So we only see the bag on panel? That’ll look weird.) brother. Rosa is pressing her cell to her ear with her shoulder.

NO COPY

Panel 6 Close, overhead view: Robin is wincing; she has taken both her ears with her hands to fold them closed and is looking towards the ceiling, as if she is searching for the source of an irritating noise.

NO COPY

Panel 7 Rosa’s POV: Heath is indignantly pointing at his brother, who is taking advantage of the distraction to lean back and prepare to hit Heath again. Robin is leaning forward and complaining about her ear. (How do we know this? This is a silent comic.) The elderly woman is staring back at the scene disapprovingly. (This is really just bad storytelling.)

NO COPY

Panel 8 Side view: Rosa has raised her hand to her eyebrows in a very forceful had-it-up-to-here gesture, as shown by the momentum in her bracelets and earrings (Yeah, because nothing shows force like the momentum of bracelets and earrings…).The children have cringed back in surprise. (Including Robin?) The family has attracted the attention of a handful of disapproving shoppers.

NO COPY

Panel 9 Slightly narrowed, side view: Rosa, still sandwiching her phone between her shoulder and ear, is covering her eyes with one hand and has raised the other to gesture loosely towards a location and off screen. The children have relaxed somewhat. The shoppers are no longer paying attention.

NO COPY

Half of these panels are useless. Hell, most of this page is useless. Why are we reading this story? Who cares about this family and their shopping adventure? You’re burying the lead.

  There’s a debate of lede vs lead, as in burying… Both are correct, only because Americans are lazy. (I used to make the same mistake. Lede is primarily used in journalism now, and I believe the phrase should use this spelling since this phrase is mainly used because of journalism and has escaped into other, non-journalistic uses, such as this.) But that has nothing to do with this script.

  Since the Line of Demarcation has been set, we can call this crap and just settle down into it.

  Like Liam, I don’t know why we’re reading this. I don’t understand what’s going on. I can visualize it, but I’m not understanding why we’re here.

  You have word balloons here, but you’re also saying “no copy.” This, Solomon, is a lie. You’re saying in the script that there are word balloons that the artist has to contend with. This particular story shouldn’t have a letterer unless there were an honest to goodness sound effect. So you’re not telling the letterer that the balloons are empty, because that would be a different notation altogether. What you’re doing is lying to the artist by telling them one thing while then clearly telling them another.

  Maybe you should go into politics?

Page 3

Panel 1 Low, front view: The boys, chastened, are following Rosa with their tails between their legs. Rosa is still on the call. Robin, her nose crinkled, sniffling, is following behind, careful not to create too much of a gap. The family is entering a large, bustling food court. The static has engulfed the majority of the background and has begun swallowing up the family.

NO COPY

Panel 2 Close, low view: The boys are eating junk food sedately at the table, while Rosa has one finger in her opposite ear, looking down at the table, trying to concentrate on this phone call. Robin has some fries in her hand, but she has tilted her head toward something away from the rest of her family. (The static has receded somewhat. More of the background is visible, but is much more dimly lit than in the first page.)

NO COPY

Panel 3 Close view: The static has completely disappeared. There is a white nimbus (A white nimbus? Do you mean a cloud? Fancy words doesn’t a good story make.) around Robin’s head. A black EEG line2 stretches from her ear to an object off panel. The background is not as dim as it was in the previous panel. (What is she doing? What’s her expression?)

NO COPY

Panel 4 Side view: The line stretches to a 16-year-old version of Robin, eating at a table by herself, dressed in a very fashionable skirt and military jacket, with the same white nimbus around her head. Aside from the older version of her having gained weight, she just looks like an aged up version of Robin. The background is not as dim as it was in the previous panel. (Where is younger Robin?)

NO COPY

Panel 5 Close, slightly overhead view: Robin’s elder doppelgänger has risen to leave. The background is not as dim as it was previously. It is nearly as bright as the first page.

NO COPY

Panel 6 Close, view: Robin is leaving the table (going towards the camera) to follow her doppelgänger while her mother, still on the phone, is distracted cleaning a new stain on Heath’s shirt.

NO COPY

At last. Something vaguely interesting has happened. I still have no idea what or why, however.

  P3, and obviously, this “mother” is a failure. She can’t keep track of three kids because one of them literally gets up from the table and leaves.

  Aside from the wine stain on the face, how are we supposed to know this is an older version of the unnamed character?

  I’m just unhappy. Let’s go to the next page.

Page 4

Panel 1 Overhead view: Mid-afternoon: Robin has left through the mall exit; there is just a strip of sidewalks separating her from a Crown Vic 3 that sits at the curb. Her still-linked 16-year-old doppelgänger is holding the rear passenger door open.

NO COPY

Panel 2 Close, low view: A 32-year-old version of herself is in the rear seat behind the driver. (All doppelgängers are linked and have nimbuses.) (This triggers a flood of memories that will overwhelm her psyche and synchronise Robin with the rest of the hive mind.) (What?)

NO COPY

Panel 3 Flashback: (all flashbacks are POV and slightly fuzzy at the edges: they blur together at the border) the 16-year-old version of herself is looking at herself in her bedroom mirror, dancing rapturously.

NO COPY

Panel 4 Flashback: as her 48-yr-old self, she is standing with a petri dish in one hand and a long syringe the other. She is looking down at her then-24-year-old self, who is in a hospital gown, lying on a gynecological exam table4 in a disused exam room.

NO COPY

Panel 5 Flashback: as a child, she is sitting on a Mexico City street in the 20s, playing with a ball and cup.

NO COPY

Panel 6 Low, close view: In the car: A 56-year-old version of herself is in the driver’s seat, nervous as she turns the keys in the ignition.

NO COPY

Panel 7 Flashback: as the 48-year-old, she is sitting at a poorly lit lab desk; before her is an open box of condoms and the petri dish from earlier. She is carefully using a small syringe to deposit self-fertilizing cells (not visible) on the outside of the condom.

NO COPY

Panel 8 Flashback: she, as a child, is holding a balloon and holding hands with an 88 year old version of herself. A 48-year-old version of herself is beside the elderly woman, casting a nervous glance at something off panel.

NO COPY

Panel 9 Flashback: she is attending a 1980s dinner party at a ostentatiously decorated home where all the other guests are exceedingly well dressed.

NO COPY

Panel 10 Flashback: in the 1930s, she is walking around the edge of a city park with a lover dressed in the style of the time.

NO COPY

Panel 11 Flashback: a bubbly Rosa (8-years-younger) hangs on the arm of her tall, dark, and handsome boyfriend (current husband) as the 24-year-old version of Robin hands them a box of condoms at a low-end convenience store.

NO COPY

Panel 12 Low, close view: In the car: A 96-year-old version of herself is in the front passenger seat calmly looking over a map spread on the dashboard.

NO COPY

Twelve panels of utter nonsense. Yeah, I’m done here. This would be confusing for a comic with dialogue, let alone a silent one. Silent comics usually focus on simple clear storytelling for a reason, and this is clearly not your forte. In fact, you do the opposite and needlessly overcomplicate. I’ve pretty much said everything that needs to be said here on your other entries. Go and study them and resubmit when you’ve actually learned something, instead of wasting my time with the same mistakes.

  Yeah, what Liam said. Time to run ‘er down.

  Format: Flawless Victory! That’s about the only good thing here.

  Panel Descriptions: These still need work. Aside from the lying, you have characters and objects that just appear because they’re magically delicious, a few panels that can’t be drawn, and some panels that are just unclear with character placement. None of these are good things.

  Pacing: Terrible. There isn’t any other way to put it. You haven’t yet mastered Time, and you definitely haven’t mastered the art of telling a story in the medium. What is P4? How is the reader going to learn anything about what’s going on from that? What is any of that supposed to mean from a storytelling perspective?

Dialogue: Ha! There isn’t any! But there are word balloons, despite the fact that there’s no dialogue, and since this was supposed to be a silent script… Failure.

  Content: As a reader, I’m lost. As a reader, I don’t get the notes that the girl is losing her hearing. That doesn’t come across at all. What comes across are word balloons that start to act as objects in the panels, and then something strange happens. It isn’t a story that I can follow.

  Editorially, this fails because there are word balloons in what is supposed to be a silent script. It said so in the rules. I understand that you tried to circumvent the rules, but here’s the thing: word balloons are supposed to contain sounds. If the rules say the script is supposed to be silent other than sound effects, and word balloons are supposed to contain sounds (usually dialogue), then what you’ve tried to do here is to out-think me. Clumsily. Editors don’t like clumsy; they like clever.

  I can’t even get upset at the attempt. I mean, I could, but I just had a good weekend (part of the reason why this is late), and I’m feeling mellow because of it.

  Follow the advice Liam has given. There’s a shit-ton of work here—almost 5 complete years’ worth. (Can you folks believe this? Been doing this weekly for five years, going into 6! Hard to believe!) Feel free to submit anything at any time, but you’ve been advised that you should have learned something. These were submitted in a batch and then barely updated as we went along. Your next submitted script will have no quarter given.

  And that’s it for this week! Check the calendar to see who’s next!

Like what you see? Sam, Liam and I are available for your editing needs. You can email Sam here and Liam here. My info is below.

Click here to make comments in the forum!

Related Posts:

TPG Week 252: First Writing Challenge Failure

TPG Week 250: Complete Rewrite Needed

TPG Week 248: A Problem Of Pacing

TPG Week 230: What Happens When You Don’t Study

TPG Week 229: Jabs & Body Blows

  Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Osvaldo Padilla, who’s sending us another Top Cow Talent Hunt submission. We have Liam Hayes in blue, and I’m the jerk in red, and we’ll all see just what caliber of entries are submitted as Osvaldo takes us

TITLE: Talent Hunt: Hunting with Aphrodite IX

PAGE 1

PANEL 1: Aphrodite IX lies asleep, her head propped against a red rock in the scotched earth shit-dessert (I’ve had a few of them. Mostly from fast food restaurants.) of the Northern Territories. (The familiar Green/White Captions denoting Aph’s inner dialogue will be labeled “Caption (Aphrodite)” throughout.) (Why is this jumbled into the panel description. Separate it for the clarity and direct it at the letterer.)

(We have no time of day. Also, what is the character wearing? If anything?)

1. Caption: Earth, the Northern Territories. The year 2802.

PANEL 2: Her eyes open wide in terror. There’s a knife in her hand, she considers it intently. (Nope. Wasn’t there in panel one when we should’ve seen it, so it isn’t there.) It’s a familiar instant for her; this phantom panic when she awakens. (This is prose.)

2. Caption (Aphrodite): Where am I? What have I done?

3. Caption (Aphrodite): For most of my life, this is (was) all I knew. I would wake up, guilty of murder and having no memory of what I had done. Back then, my knife would be dripping blood, the handle drenched in crimson sin. (Did you want the knife in panel two to be dripping in blood? You didn’t say that.)

4. Caption (Aphrodite): Thankfully, that’s over now. Now, I’m discovering myself. Writing my own moral code. Reading old books. Doing a little whittling. Canning. Yoga. And Hunting.

(Odd. The first of those captions she is unsure, but the second and third cut straight to retrospection. It’s jarring, as if you’ve broken tense between the 2nd and 3rd captions. Make the first caption actual dialogue, and this problem is solved. Then we’ll know the captions are happening after the fact for sure and a piece of dialogue will ground us in the scene.)

Not the best opening. Character wakes in a desert with a knife. Then she tells us about her yoga schedule. I also don’t like the retrospective captions. They tell us that this problem, as vague as it was, is already solved.

Judging from this first page, I can tell we’re going to be encountering issues with prosaic descriptions.

So, we’ve got P1 on the books!

Just like the previous Talent Hunt entry, the submissions editor didn’t get off the first page. Actually, they didn’t get out of the first panel description before tossing it and moving on.

I say it time and again, folks: spelling is important. I don’t harp on it too hard in the panel descriptions unless it’s a barrier to understanding. There’s a distinct difference between “desert” and “dessert”.

Okay, so just going by his name alone, I’m going to say that English is a second language for Osvaldo. That being said, if English is your second language and you’re submitting to an English-speaking publisher for a contest, then it would behoove you to get a native English speaker to look over your stuff. While having that person be an editor would be ideal, the person who looks at it should at least be a reader. This way, they can see that “scotched dessert-earth” should be “scorched desert-earth.”

The opening is boring. Character wakes up in the desert. Why does that earn an entire page? Why does that earn an opening page? What about this says “turn the page for something more interesting or to answer your question”? Nothing. It’s boring, and boring is death.

Then there’s the captions. They aren’t working. Obvious exposition that doesn’t do much to draw the reader in. It’s so obvious that it’s almost painful. It’s very direct, and it should come from the side in order to get the reader interested. If you come at things from an angle, hinting at what you mean without blatantly saying it, things are then much more interesting.

So, now that we know why this wasn’t picked, let’s see what else is in store.

(No page breaks means you’ve broken any chance of a flawless formatting score.)

PAGE 2

PANEL 1: A panorama of the world as it was left to us. (Of the entire world? Figurative language doesn’t work in panel descriptions.) An expanse of dried, cracked helplessness. To the west of this open panorama in the left foreground, the long white figure of the most perfect woman (Say who this is.), with one hand she sheethes (spelling mistake that still gets the meaning across) her knife (Into what?) and with the other lifts her binoculars (Magical binoculars, go!) to her eyes. She looks across the expanse to the east — maybe two miles — to a small pond (practically a puddle, really) at the edge of a large flat rock formation. (We can see this, from two miles away? A winged animal, the size of a Texas longhorn. I won’t restrict you too much here, draw the animal of whatever delightfully twisted dreams may populate your sleepy time. Just know that the animal is prized for its parts. Its meat is a delicacy. The fine canvas of its wings is used for tenting and as fire-resistant sheathing. Horns, fur, flesh, feathers — whatever you come up with, all the parts of this animal are coveted by dwellers of this dessert. This “dragnot” is revered for its beauty and usefulness — not to mention its cunning and determination. (You described the creature but didn’t place it in the scene or tell us what it’s doing.)(Generally, this panel description cannot be drawn. It started off being able to, but in the end, it can’t.)

1. Caption (Aphrodite): It takes me a second, but I remember what I’m here for. For once, there is not a fight to be had. If we’re here to reestablish humanity, it’s time to start acting human again. So I’ve taken some time for myself. I’ve been leisurely tracking this animal for more than a day. But it’s time to wrap this up and head back. (63 words in this caption. Not too many, per se, but still, it’s too many because it doesn’t do anything to break up the disparate ideas presented here. Time to start acting human, but taking time for herself? Leisurely tracking an animal, but now she’s pressed for time? This should be at least two captions, and it should have a sentence that bridges the two ideas.)

PANEL 2 A small panel. TS on Aphrodite’s face. She’s dropped the binoculars. (The caption here is Red on Black to denote Aph’s processing. (These captions will be labeled “Caption (data)” throughout.)

2. Caption (data):

Target: Dragnot.

Miles pursued: 187

Weight estimate: 627 lbs.

Top speed: 124 mph

3. Caption (Aphrodite): Bastard’s smart and fast, but he’s got to be getting tired. (Why?)

PANEL 3: A small panel where we get a good look at the dragnot. It’s a marvelous specimen of what god’s greatness can accomplish with man’s tinkering. This is a long-ago product of the Gen. The Dragnot is untamable and like any invasive species, it has survived by taking its host by surprise. (What did I tell, ye? Prose.) (Yep. Nothing after the first sentence can be drawn.)

PANEL 4: The beast pulls a thrashing fish from the pond. (Pond or a puddle?)

PANEL 5: Aph has taken off running at a clip toward the beast. She’s moving fast. Her moves are smooth though, producing little sound, (That’s good, for a soundless medium.) her fleet feet practically glide on the sand. (More prose. This can’t really be shown. Movement can only be implied.) The animal is none the wiser as it pins down and dismembers its meal (Right here is where this becomes a moving panel.). The caption here is Red on Black to denote Aph’s data processing. (Throughout, we’ll label these captions: Caption (Aprhodite data).

Caption (Aphrodite data):

Target distracted.

Distance to Dragnot: 1.12 miles

Time to acquisition: 1.2 minutes

4. Caption (Aphrodite): My siblings will love this. Tasty meat, warm beautiful hide, and those gorgeous feathers. … That’s what families do for each other, I think. We acquire. We gift and share. That’s what families are supposed to do. Right?

I’ve lost interest. Not sure what’s happening, to be honest. She woke up with a knife, presumably guilty of murder, and now she’s hunting. What? Is there something I’m missing? Was the first page a flashback but you forgot to tell anybody?

Your captions are large block of uninteresting text. Chop them up instead of beating the reader over the head with them.

P2, and I’m bored.

I honestly and truly don’t care what happens. The question that the reader will ask is this: why am I reading this? What’s going on here that’s so important that I’m being forced to read it?

The answer is simple: nothing. There’s nothing happening here that’s even remotely interesting. So you’ve bored the submissions editor before you’ve been able to bore the reader. Congratulations: you’re right in the middle of the slush pile with the bulk of the entries they’ve gotten.

There also aren’t any page breaks, which means you don’t even get to stand out from the crowd in that small instance. They’re not going to remember anything about this at all. Not even how boring it is.

This page is a second reason for the editor to decide not to continue to read it, if they somehow made it off the first page.

PAGE 3

PANEL 1: With knife in hand, Aph pounces on the dragnot. (Thin and vague. What’s happening? You’re set on describing how to character runs for some reason, but not the actual action?)

PANEL 2: Just as she’s about to make contact, a bullet catches her in the shoulder. (To what end? Does it damage her? I presume she’s not human? Does the bullet bounce off? Be more specific.) She’s thrown off balance. The dragnot startles. (Panel 1 has her pouncing ON the beast, and this panel has her being shot in midair. These are two things that are opposite. If she’s shot, what’s her reaction?)

1. Aph: Yah! (Is this her reaction to being shot, or her hunting cry?)

PANEL 3: As the dragnot takes off in flight, its kick catches Aph squarly on the side. (And she doesn’t respond to it, at all?) Her knife flies from her hand.

PANEL 4: She’s is laid out on her back, propped up on her elbow. (If she’s laid out on her back, how can she be propped up on her elbow? I get what you’re saying, but words mean something.)

2. Aph: Who the hell shot me!(?)

PANEL 5: T’Mark emerges from behind a boulder. He points a hand-cannon squarely at Aph. (Moving panel.)

3. T’Mark: I will kill you right now, whore.

4: Aph: Hey! That’s harsh, T’Mark. Seductress, yeah, sure. Tramp, if you want to be rude. But whore? (Can she be seen in this panel?)

5. T’Mark: You murdered my people. Forced the remaining handful of us to scrounge through the desolate zone. (Exposition!)

PANEL 6: His face in a snarl, T’Mark is a sliver from pulling the trigger.

6. Aphrodite (Off-panel)(Is she “Aph” or “Aphrodite”? Consistency.): Assuming that all that were true (and it’s not), still, the word whore, technically does not apply. It’s disrespectful.

7. T’Mark: I’m not arguing semantics with you. I was hunting that beast, then I found you at the same game. God brought me to you to kill you today. I have no doubt.

I still have no context for any of this. I feel like you’ve shoved us too far into the deep end without a paddle. Pull back a bit. Ease us into the story.

P3, and we have yet more reasons for this to get tossed.

Moving panels are expected out of rookies. It’s like saying cops have power trips. It may not always be true, but it’s what’s expected. I expect rookies to have moving panels.

I also expect rookies to have panels that don’t make much sense, or contradict themselves. I expect rookies to have panels that cannot be drawn.

Also, I expect rookies to have painful exposition. Don’t get me wrong—I’m very happy that this isn’t torturous to read. Very, very happy. But at the same time, it’s like a jab that snaps your head back in reading it, because information just seems to come hot and heavy and without any context. And context is key. Context is what will keep the reader turning pages. Right now, they’re only closing the book.

There’s no Line of Demarcation here. There’s a story being told, and it isn’t crap. It’s just not told well at all. There’s a difference.

PAGE 4

PANEL 1: From beind T’Mark, Aphrodite’s head is turned skyward. She’s grinning.

1. Aphrodite: That’s sweet.

2. T’Mark: I won’t look away (Comma.) you treacherous slag. (I don’t get this line. What is he saying? He won’t look away when he kills her?) (No. It looks like she’s trying a variant on “there’s someone behind you” by looking up. That’s all. This trick won’t work well, depending on the distance between the two of them.)

PANEL 2: Reverse angle, a wider shot reveals Artemis IX launching himself, pulling a flip from about 20 feet up on the rock formation. (Huh?) (Yeah. I’m with him.)

PANEL 3: Artemis’ forearm, covered in a solid metal plating, smashes into the side of T’Mark’s face.

3. SFX: Smack!

PANEL 4: From behind Artemis, we see him flip backwards, away from T’Mark. Artemis pulls a sleek stripped-down crossbow from his back. T’Mark is reeling, but rallying to charge Artemis. (Moving panel.)

3. T’Mark: Grrrrr!

PANEL 5: T’Mark lunges. A blast from Artemis’ energy crossbow catches the genetically modified hulk squarely in the chest. (I really hope you’ve described these characters elsewhere.)

4. Artemis: Easy there, tiger. (What is Artemis doing in this panel? Hanging in mid-air?)

PANEL 5: T’Mark is knocked out, smoke coming from his wracked body. Artemis stands over him, but looks over at Aphrodite IX. She’s lying sideways with her head casually propped on her hand, a wide seductive smile on her face.

5. Artemis: You’re lucky I was coming down to check on you.

6. Aphrodite: Not really, I had this guy. But it was cute to watch you come to my rescue.

I have no idea who there characters are, what they’re doing, and why. Which is why I simply don’t care what is happening.

P4, and although we have some action, no one really cares. The “fight” is over quickly. Reminds me of a Mike Tyson fight back in the late 80s, but those were better than this. Even though Mike was unstoppable for a while and those fights were done before they started, this is just badly written.

I’ve never read Aphrodite IX. I don’t know anything about the character. I’ve seen her, but I’ve never picked up an issue. All of these characters are new to me.

Nothing here, from the internal monologue that has mysteriously gone away (bad case of the dropsies, because the captions could have been used to give the reader info on the characters) to the banter serves to bring the reader in. We don’t care to know more, because we’re not engaged. This is just boring.

How to fix this? Write a different story.

PAGE 5

PANEL 1: The burley T’Mark is bound to the ground by a net draped across his body, strapped down by steel stakes. (Where are the other characters? What are they doing? Artemis is here, at least, since he speaks.)

1. Caption: Later.

2. T’Mark: If you kill me, my people — women and children — will not eat. Release me, and I promise to swallow my hatred and walk away from you.

3. Artemis: I don’t think you should be setting any terms. You’re lucky she asked me not to kill you.

PANEL 2: Aph pushes past Artemis and kneels before T’Mark (Moving panel.). We can make this a larger panel with side panels that provide flashbacks to the events that T’Mark is referencing. T’Mark, enraged as he tells his story, should be the center. (You can’t show multiple flashbacks referencing backstory. And don’t make your artist pick through your exposition to get them.)

4. Aphrodite: T’Mark, I don’t expect you to understand, but I never meant for any of this to happen.

5. T’Mark: You worked for them, for the Cyborgs. Murdered our royals. Intoxicated and seduced Marcus. Colluded in the attack that exterminated our population. For these crimes, the Gen have called for your head. For this, whether by my hand or that of my remaining countrymen, you will die Aphrodite IX! (More exposition!)(I just threw up a little in my mouth… Anyway, first he wants to be let go, then he vows he will kill her in the very next panel? Yeah, I’d let him go, too…)

PANEL 3: From behind T’Mark, looking up at Aph. She’s sympathetic and sincere.

6. Aphrodite: I was being controlled by the Cyborgs and forced to manipulate and assassinate. That’s not me any more. But I know you don’t believe me, so I can’t let you go.

PANEL 4: She’s stood up and grabbed her bag of gear as well as T’Mark’s. She addresses a grinning Artemis. (Where did these bags come from?)(They’re magically delicious!)

7. Aphrodite: You want to join me for a hunt? (What kind of hunt? She has time to hunt again? I thought she had stuff to do. What happened to the stuff she had to do?)

8. Artemis: A chance to finally get some alone time with you again after a few hundred years — yes, I’m in.

PANEL 5: A medium shot on the helpless T’Mark.

9. T’Mark: You’ll leave me to die?

10. T’Mark: Of course, of course you would, Aphrodite IX: mistress of the holocaust. (This is such a terrible last line.)

Should I have read a primer before coming to this script? This story can’t start here, surely? Things are happening and what seems like a lengthy backstory is being explained, but I couldn’t care less. There’s no context for this. There’s no reason for anything that’s happening.

I think you’re weren’t keeping the reader in mind as you wrote this, which is a terrible mistake to make. Rewrite this for clarity and for the reader’s sake. Get us in with a context and a character motivation, and leave all that random backstory for when its actually needed.

Let’s just run this down.

Format: No Flawless Victory here. Page breaks are important things, especially for a submission.

Panel Descriptions: These need work. You’re all over the map with them: some are vague and almost useless, some are moving panels, some can’t be drawn. You’ve got magically delicious items that just show up out of nowhere. There aren’t many panels here that can just be drawn. As a writer, this isn’t a good thing to hear. These need a lot of work.

Pacing: The pacing here isn’t bad. It’s boring, but it isn’t bad. You tried to start out with a bit of self-reflection, then you tried a little action, and then you tried to wrap it all up. The effort is admirable, and the story has a definite progression that can be seen and appreciated. The problem is that, like I said, it’s boring. Not in a predictable way, it just isn’t engaging. That is mostly down to the dialogue.

Dialogue: I’ve read a lot worse. I’m not saying this is good by any stretch, but I’ve read a lot worse.

The problem with the dialogue is twofold. First, it’s too blunt at times. Instead of being a bit oblique, it’s just straightforward all the time.

Second, none of what was here was interesting to read. I understood everyone’s motivations, which is a great thing. However, none of it was interesting at all. This was a boring read, with the best line being “easy there, tiger.” That’s saying a lot, because you didn’t say much of anything at all.

There was also opportunities that were missed when it came to introducing new characters. Aphrodite could have named characters and some attributes via captions as she looked at people. Definitely a missed opportunity.

Content: As a reader, I was bored. This was a vignette, attempting to show Aphrodite as a character in the midst of change. It doesn’t really do much of anything, because she gets lost in her own story. Know what happens to her? She gets shot, she gets called a name, she acts sultry, but she doesn’t do anything for herself. She’s not a force in her own story. She’s acted upon, instead of acting. That’s not what a main character should do. Feminists would eat you alive because you treat her as a sexual object who’s unable to fight her own battles, needing to be saved.

Editorially, this needs a rewrite into something much more interesting. It can be done, but you have to treat the character with the respect she deserves. She’s not supposed to be a damsel in distress. She’s supposed to be a badass. Why sideline that in favor of some fleeting sexuality?

The story has to reach a point, and if you’re trying to show how she’s changed, then you have to provide her with a dilemma of choice, and have her make the better, harder decision. This will build her character in the eyes of the reader. She cannot be passive in her own story.

This holds true for any main character in any story. If their name is on the book, they shouldn’t be passive. They have to act. Otherwise, they don’t deserve to have a book named after them.

And that’s it for this week! Check the calendar to see who’s next!

Like what you see? Sam, Liam and I are available for your editing needs. You can email Sam here and Liam here. My info is below.

Click here to make comments in the forum!

Related Posts:

TPG Week 234: Screenplays Aren’t Comic Scripts

TPG Week 229: Jabs & Body Blows

TPG Week 227: Not Too Bad At All!

TPG Week 225: When Even The Flawless Victory Is Flawed

TPG Week 220: Writing Challenge Entry 5

Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Brian Sanford. We also have Liam Hayes losing his mind in blue, I’m the guy gibbering in the corner in red, and all get to see what I’m talking about as Brian takes us to

Midnight

Midnight, Issue 1 – Brian Sanford – Pg. 1 [Four Panels] (I don’t mind the giving of too much information here. Title, issue number and name in the page header? Not the worst idea. Necessary? No. Unusual? Yes. Something to chide him about? Not at all. I save that for later.)

Panel 1:

CAP:

Saturday 6.43 P.M.

A man (Want to specify his appearance, age, race etc.?) frantically paces the living room of a small apartment. (Moving action. This cannot be shown in a static image. Have him checking his watch or something similar.) The room is messy and cluttered furnished by only a single lawn chair set up in the center of the room before a small analog television sitting on the floor, nothing but the flickering light (Again, that’s a moving action. You can’t show flickering light in one panel.) of rolling static churns across the screen. Dozens of crumpled energy drink cans are tossed about the living room, alongside towers of crudely stacked papers spilling onto the hard wood floor throughout the space comprised of past due bills, newspapers, miscellaneous junk mail, and fractured hand written trains of thought none of which make sense on their own. (We’re not going to be able to see any text, so don’t worry about what’s on them.) (And later is now! The Flawless Victory is lost. I’m not overly dogmatic, but come on! The caption before the panel description? That isn’t how it works. That’s the cart before the horse. Hopefully, this is a simple mistake and I won’t have to be subjected to this again during the script. I don’t think that’ll be the case, but hope springs eternal.)

Panel 2: The man presses his face up against the peep hole in his front door, leering out into the hallway anxiously awaiting something. (This’ll work best as a side shot. It’ll work better if you have some dialogue to contextualize it. As this is, it’s just a guy looking through a peephole.)

Panel 3: Then backing away he checks his cell phone for missed calls, no incoming calls in the past few days. (How are we supposed to fathom that information? This is two panels. One of him checking his phone, and another of the phone telling the reader there’s been no calls.) (And here we’re going to take a moment to talk about time. The caption tells us the current day is Saturday. The only way we’re going to know there haven’t been any calls on that phone is to show the last call was received on a day that isn’t Saturday. Think through what you’re asking. This is going to be on the letterer. You could help them out.)

MAN:

“Damn, come on where are you?” (This line works better on the peephole panel. Also, why is it in quotes? Generally they’re reserved for voice-over captions or direct quotes.)(Given panel 1, I have the sneaking suspicion that this dialogue belongs to panel 4. However, seeing as panel 1’s label came before the dialogue, I’m willing to give the benefit of the doubt. One way or another, though, the FV is a memory.)

Panel 4: He continues pacing. (How is that shown in one panel? Somebody please edify me.) He’s dressed slovenly wearing a pair of polyester gym shorts, white crew socks with black sandals, and a black hooded sweatshirt over a white tank top. The attire looks as though he’d been wearing it for days, not the dress you’d expect of someone awaiting guests. (I disagree. He was naked up until this point. Otherwise you’ve made a mistake in failing to describe his attire in the first panel we saw him. And you haven’t done that, have you?)(I just want to know how the artist is going to show the tank top through the hoodie.)

You clearly aren’t thinking visually. That or you’re unsure which medium you’re writing for. Regardless of the technical issues, this is a boring opener. You’ve got a guy, bored and waiting. What about that screams “interesting opening”? We, much like your protagonist, are waiting for the story to begin.

Why only four panels? You could get more in and hopefully set up a decent hook.

Well, we’ve got P1 down!

There are technical issues that have to be dealt with, the biggest being the moving panels, and right after that, not describing things as fully as necessary as soon as possible.

The description of the guy? That should have come in panel 1, not panel 4. Why is it so far down? I don’t understand that. I can’t even give the benefit of the doubt on it. It just clearly shows you aren’t thinking things through.

I love to write. I’m writing all the time. However, I’m also very aware of where I am and what I’m saying when I’m writing. If I say something “late” that could have been said “sooner”, or if I describe something “late” that should have been visible “sooner”, then I go back and put that information in as soon as it is feasibly needed.

There needs to be more dialogue here. If he’s anxious enough to wonder out loud where someone is, he’s anxious enough to do it throughout the page.

Finally, let’s talk about Time.

There are a few ways to depict Time in comics. The first way is the most obvious: a timestamp. You did that in panel 1. If you want to show the passage of time, then more timestamps could be used.

Another way to show the passage of time is to show the time of day through light or its absence. Does this work all the time? No, but we aren’t often underground or in a room without windows (I’m only talking about natural light sources right now).

Another way is to show something in a state of change: growing, decaying, moving. This generally means the background is static, and the object of our attention is changing in some way.

All of these methods of showing the passage of time need multiple panels. The number of panels can indicate the rate of change.

This is just something to keep in mind. What I would do here to show the passage of time is to show more timestamps, and I would either shorten or increase the rate of the passage of time depending on what I want to do (comedy or drama).

(No page breaks.) (Three! Three different ways the Flawless Victory has been lost, and all on the first page. That’s gotta be a record or something.)

Midnight, Issue 1 – Brian Sanford – Pg. 2 [Five Panels]

Panel 1:

SFX:

Knock knock

Then the knock he’d been so impatiently awaiting finally arrives, without a moment’s hesitation the man runs hurriedly to the door toppling a few paper towers but not slowing a step. (This is prose at best. At worst it’s a mega-super moving panel. I’d say this is at least three panels.)(And again with the sound coming before the panel descriptions. I feel the need to drink. Who’s got the whiskey?)

Panel 2: Arriving at the door before the disrupted leaves of parchment reach the floor (What?) the man jerks open the front door leaving the security chain engaged allowing for an opening of only several inches. (Where did this chain come from?)(It’s magically delicious!)

Panel 3:

The man presses the left side of his face into the gap extending a single hand full of sweaty crumpled hundred dollar bills into the hallway. (We’re going to have to be in the hallway to see this, so we should see who knocked on the door.) (Where did the money come from? That’s magically delicious, too.)

Panel 4: The man (Again, any specifics? This is your story.) in the hallway dressed in a fancy and obviously very expensive gray pin striped suit takes the moist crinkled pile of money from the other man’s outstretched hand. (Expressions?)(Expressions depend on where the camera is. I’d love to see an expression, but I can also see the camera being low enough not to see faces.)

MAN IN HALL:

“Eck”

He mutters in response to the grotesque state of the currency. (This IS prose.)(‘SPLODE!!!) (Oh! And the Line of Demarcation, too. Just to make it official.)

Panel 5: As he silently begins to count the money, unwrapping each wrinkled wad one by one the entire time keeping his eyes concealed behind a pair of white framed sunglasses. (More prose. Also, those glasses have just popped in. We should’ve seen them a panel ago.)(Is this offal, or awful? Or is this one and the same in this case?)

MAN:

“It’s all there (Comma.) bro.”

The occupant of the apartment states beckoning with his fingers eagerly signally for his guest to give him whatever it was he has been waiting for. (Prose hat-trick!)

It’s becoming clear now. You’re a novelist of some sort. You probably began your writing career in prose, at the very least. The problem here is that you’re still in that mindset. This isn’t writing for comics.

Additionally, your dialogue seem to be occurring in the middle of panel descriptions. That’s just confusing.

So, with the Line of Demarcation set and we all know this is crap, we can sit back and relax, right?

It’s really simple. Brian didn’t do his homework. I honestly don’t know if he even picked up a script from anywhere before he decided to write a comic script. I’m not seeing a fundamental understanding of what a comic script needs to succeed, outside of the flawed format. Understanding that a format is needed is one thing. Not understanding how that format is used is another.

I’ve dabbled in some screenwriting. Nothing to write home about. I have an idea that I think would make a decent movie. Not a blockbuster, but it could probably go direct to video. I could live with that.

In that dabbling, I went and studied some screenplays. I wanted to make sure I was doing it right (or as right as could be) before I went and showed it to people. I even bought a couple of books on the subject, read them, and applied what I learned.

That level of study isn’t evident here. I’d call that a Level 3. This would be a Level 1, only because there’s something of a format. I’d go lower, but I try being fair.

The pacing here is horrible. We’re 2 pages in, and really, nothing has happened. This could be condensed into a single page: pacing, checking the time/calls, and then the knock, opening the door, and seeing who it is. All of that can be shown, and possibly add some mystery. Who is this guy? What does he want? Is he the person the other one was waiting for? It would work even better if he said something cryptic.

Lastly, the magically delicious stuff. Like I said before, things have to be described as soon as possible. The chain on the door, the money, the shades…these things just appear out of nowhere, and they should have been described before they were.

Let’s see where Liam stops, shall we?

(Page break.)

Midnight, Issue 1 – Brian Sanford – Pg. 3 [Five Panels]

Panel 1: As the man in the suit unwraps the last crumpled bill, the man inside again interjects. (Interjects against what? He wasn’t saying or doing anything.)

MAN:

“See like I said (Comma.) it’s all there.” (Comma-fail. There should be another one after “see”. Or, a comma after “see”, and a period or an ellipsis after “said”.)

Panel 2: The man in the suit folds the pile of bills neatly in half and slips them into an interior pocket on the inside left of his jacket. (I can see this, but it’s still technically a moving panel.)(Remember, folks: as soon as you’re writing an action and use the word “and”, you’ve more than likely written a moving panel. Just like this one.)

Panel 3: He removes his hand from his pocket now holding a small plastic zip locked bag, containing a single black capsule. (Again, this can be drawn. It’s just written like a moving panel.)

MAN:

“Aw yeah, there it is (Stop.) hand it over.”

The man inside the apartment instructs trembling with anticipation. (No. Prose this be.)

Panel 4:

MAN IN SUIT:

“Here ya go.”

The man in the hall speaks his tone is cold and unsympathetic to the other man’s pronounced sense of urgency as he places the small bag in the shaky outstretched hand of his client. (Grargh! How can any of this be drawn? Actually, the last bit can, to be fair. But still. Grargh!)

Panel 5:

MAN:

“Thanks (Stop.) bye.”

The man snaps slamming the door shut and ending the hurried exchange. (Huh?)

MAN IN SUIT:

“Ugh, so rude.”

He responds shaking his head. (How do we see both of them when the door is shut? This hurts me in the mind.)

We seem to be descending into some kind of Lovecraftian nightmare, because this is getting worse and worse. It did resemble something of a comic script at the start, but now it’s just some horrific union of prose and script.

Have you ever felt hate coming off the page and just directed at you? I don’t mean menace. I don’t mean threat. I mean hate. Like criminals hate child molesters. Like vampires hate the sun. Like fat kids hate healthy foods.

That’s what I’m feeling right now. I’m feeling the hate, and it’s directed squarely at me.

It’s in the form of misused punctuation. It’s in the form of run-on sentences. And it’s aimed directly at my brain.

I don’t understand. You want to be a writer, right? How hard is it to learn punctuation? It boggles my mind. It’s like beautiful women who are bitches. Why can’t you be as beautiful inside as you are outside? Or television food. My Big Mac doesn’t look as good in real life as it does on tv. Truth in advertising! Free James Brown! Free James Brown! Free James–

Sorry.

This is bad. I’m allowed tangents and flights of fancy when things are bad.

Like the rest of you, I’m just waiting for Liam to stop, because it’s obvious there isn’t much story here. This is padded out. I’m surprised there’s no splash page.

(Page break.)

Midnight, Issue 1 – Brian Sanford – Pg. 4 [Four Panels]

Panel 1: Inside the dingy apartment the man fumbles with the tiny bag trying to extract the capsule, the trembling in his hands increases with the growing anxiety. (This will not look good in a static panel. Trembling, shaking or other small movements rarely do.)

Panel 2: He grabs an already open energy drink from atop the TV. (Pop-in energy drink we should’ve seen earlier.)

Panel 3: Then sitting in the lawn chair he places the capsule in his mouth and swigs the stale beverage. (This is two panels. We need to see him put the pill in his gob.)

Panel 4:

MAN:

“Whew”

The man exhales deeply finally letting go of his frantic state as he sinks back into the plastic straps of the chair.

I’ve got nothing to say. Well, nothing new to say. I’m still waiting for the reason we’re still reading this.

(Page break.)

Midnight, Issue 1 – Brian Sanford – Pg. 5 [Three panels]

Panel 1:

MAN:

“Hungh”

The man gasps gripping the tiny arm rests and thrusting his body against the back of the lawn chair. (Is he in pain? I’m getting that from this panel, but you haven’t explicitly stated it.)

Panel 2: His teeth clenched tightly as his pupils dilate swelling the size of pennies.

INTERNAL:

“My name is Kaden Cross and I’m a drug addict.” (Where did this come from? You can’t just abruptly start an internal monologue. We should’ve been included on this much earlier.)

Panel 3: Then everything goes black.

Finally, we have some small inkling of story. It’s a shame that this is still uninteresting. Being a drug addict isn’t really all that interesting. It’s the impact it has on somebody’s life and those around them that’s interesting; the conflict it creates, internally and externally. Show us that.

So far, this is just a waste of five pages, and your panel descriptions are so prosaic as to be near useless to an artist.

Who here has ever had a headache?

Now, who’s ever taken a pill for that headache?

How fast did that pill work?

‘Nuff said.

(Page break.)

Midnight, Issue 1 – Brian Sanford – Pg. 6 [One Panel](Splash page. Did I call it or what? And no, I didn’t look ahead.)

Panel 1: Kaden comes to but (Be?) somewhere else, now dressed in a ridiculously expensive high end black dress shirt with epaulettes on the shoulders and an intentionally faded white skull on each breast, the top three or four buttons are undone exposing the white tank top beneath. He wears a cryptic and ancient looking amulet dangling from a thick chain around his neck his eyes are hidden behind huge gaudy aviator sunglasses, as he sits atop a massive throne lined with hand carved skulls twisting around the frame of the gorgeous deep cherry wood. (Where is this?)

INTERNAL:

“As I was saying I am a drug addict but we’re not talking pain pills or needles here, oh no this is something else.” (Punctuation here is atrocious.)

“This is Destiny.”

The best thing about this splash page is that it’s on the correct side of the book.

This is trash. Pure and simple. I’m actually quite annoyed. That or The Proving Grounds has finally broken me. A lot of the scripts have the same issues in common. Most of these could be avoided with time and effort on the writers part (there’s a difference between inability and lack of effort). You don’t even have to leave the site. Comixtribe holds a wealth of knowledge. I hope you don’t think I’m picking on you in particular. This script just exemplifies my issues with some of the work that comes through here. I keep retreading the same technical errors over and over, when I could be actually critiquing the story, or playing The Witcher III, or reading a good book, or contemplating my meaningless existence. Anyway, rant over.

You put in the intro to your script that the artist should take this as a guide and overrule if they can do better. Reading it back now, it seems like a disclaimer of sorts. This isn’t comic script writing. This is prose. You need to do more research. Go and learn how to write for comics and resubmit.

Liam has stopped! That means I can, too! Let’s run this crap down so it can be flushed!

Format: There’s no Flawless Victory here. The lack of page breaks and not knowing which way the elements of a script are supposed to go, along with breaking up panel descriptions with dialogue…all un-good. Format is easy, folks. Format is the easiest part of comic scripting.

Panel Descriptions: Woefully inadequate in multiple ways.

First, most of these are moving panels. Learn to write in static images.

Don’t break the panel description up with dialogue. Doing that means you’re actually writing two panels. Why? Because you’re more than likely writing at least two actions, and a comic panel can generally only hold one action at a time.

They don’t hold enough information at the correct times. The items that just suddenly appear? That’s what I call magically delicious. It isn’t a good thing. Things should be described as fully as necessary as early as possible. The adage about the gun on the mantle shown in act one has to be fired by act three? Well, you can’t show the gun in act three and fire it and have it have the same impact. It has to be shown in act one. That same logic has to be applied to scripting.

Pacing: We got through six pages, but really, there’s about three pages of story here. Most of this is padded out, and can be condensed. If this were condensed, this could be more interesting.

Dialogue: Okay, first things first.

Dialogue in comic scripts generally don’t need quotation marks. Those are for when you are quoting someone, which happens very rarely, or when you have a voice-over caption. This isn’t prose. Putting them in makes more work for the letterer, who has to take them out.

Second, punctuation.

Very simply, learn to use it. I’m not an English teacher. Go learn.

Content: As a reader, I’d wonder why you took so long to get to the point. I also would wonder where you learned to write, because this is bad.

Editorially, this needs a complete rewrite…after you learned to write for comics. Right now, you don’t, and it shows.

And that’s it for this week! Check the calendar to see who’s next!

Like what you see? Sam, Liam and I are available for your editing needs. You can email Sam here and Liam here. My info is below.

Click here to make comments in the forum!

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TPG Week 218: Writing Challenge Entry 3

TPG Week 215: Muddled Storytelling

TPG Week 207: Oscillations

TPG Week 161: Don’t Keep Writing When The Story Is Senseless