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Today he gave me a bro nod after holding eye contact for like a minute and idk if I should be sad/insulted over being friendzoned/brozoned or if I should celebrate bc he âgaveâ me his âattentionâ
Idk
I really like the idea with him
And I wanna interact more to kill the idea of him and actually replace it with him
Argh
He doesnât like me
âHeâs not the love of your life. Heâs literally just a guy. Hit him with your car.â
I genuinely wanna play 20 questions with him so badly
Also I wanna have him drive me somewhere sometime
Supposedly he drives super fast but he says he drives well but idk. Watching someone drive really tells you what type of a person they are ig
I wanna ask him about his hair
His pet preferences
What he thinks about
Argh I want more time to spend 1 on 1 but Iâm so awkward and he most definitely doesnât like me like that
He honestly probably thinks Iâm weird which is why he stares at me all the time
I doubt he would even want to spend time with me đđđ
Idk
Stupid stupid boy
morning? mourning? i see no difference
(If)
If I could set down my days on the floor, Spread them out
I wonder if I would see your face In my mind
Could I trace the steps Leading to a day
Where I was nothing But another face
Meeting your gaze
Could I find the glances, The way that I have acted
My embarrassment, My blushing cheeks
Worry, to want something. Worry, to want to be endearing.
To be close to you, To dream, to think, To pass the time with you on my mind.
I would find these, I would throw them into the river And go down stream with them.
ant rants about the concept of âeveryone elseâ
iâd normally drop this on antunderwater but it fits better here.
the thing that is wrong and abhorrent about me is that iâm different enough that it actually starts to hurt.
the theme of this semester is:
âeveryone else is fine with itâ
like in dance i hate the drills and the verbal abuse and the rush but âeveryone else is fine with itâ so itâs just me overthinking things.
and with angela i hate the fact she doesnât text back and and leaves me hanging and literally forgets i exist but she does that with âall her other friendsâ and âeveryone else is fine with itâ.
and with anne i hate the fact that insulting people is apparently a way of showing endearment and i try to express it but âeveryone else is fine with itâ my brain is just doing things and taking it too seriously.
and with jae iâm just trying to understand something and he goes into this long convoluted explanation and i ask him to just make things simple and he says âthatâs how i interact with everyoneâ.
and of course my dad, telling me that âeveryoneâ who has gone through physics has had difficulties, so donât worry about my difficulties, and âeveryoneâ who has had a breakup has been sad, so donât worry about my particular feelings of sadness, because in the end âeveryone got through, didnât they?â
i sometimes wonder if these oddballs i call friends have seriously gone out of their way to verify that âeveryone is fine with itâ and have found good evidence that âyes, everyone is perfectly ok and not secretly uncomfortable in any way, itâs just you that is the odd duck anthonyâ
everyone.
what a ridiculously powerful word.
and maybe iâve tuned or TRIED to tune to people all my life so maybe iâm setting the bar way too damn high.
but i want people to tune to me for a change. to do so with the intention of actually succeeding. to actually make an honest attempt rather than some cursory, one-time two-bit adjustment.
âeveryone else is fine with itâ is such an ADULT way of looking at the world. no child would ever accept that as the RIGHT way of thinking. itâs such a bizarre dichotomy to draw. even in my black and white world, why on godâs green earth would âeveryoneâs consensusâ be a good way to define how you behave? as adults, I suppose we do that to fit in, to not shake the boat, but every single individual has their own blacks, their own whites, and itâs valuable to figure those out and to examine them.
painting everyone with the same brush and just assuming that everyone is that way is DANGEROUS. itâs the danger that comes from just saying âoh, i totally functionally believe in shades of grayâ and then not actually going into those shades at all, and being even more black-and-white than i am, with no nuance to that black-and-white-ness. looking at you gray people up there (all five of them).
and people are like âanthony donât worry about itâ but iâve been saying the same things on all five of those fronts for months and itâs not actually FUN. itâs not FUN to worry about things. i donât WANT to worry about whether or not iâm sane, whether or not iâm overthinking things, whether or not everyone else is normal and iâve just gone off the deep end of intolerance.
i whisper to myself that their standards arenât mine. that itâs not selfish to have standards, and to want to hold to them.
i want to lash out!
in the majority of the world everyone is fine with abusive relationships. in the majority of the world poverty is a fact of life. in the majority of the world democracy is a foreign concept, and a good ruler is one that doesnât completely screw you over, just screws you a little bit. in certain, very well developed parts of the world, everyone is fine with a state religion, or with online murder threats as a joke, or with covering up less palatable parts of their nationâs history.Â
standards are what make people valuable. they are what make people interesting. they are what make interactions mean a fraction of what they have the potential to mean, the tick and tock of our biological machinery.
and iâm becoming so bitter, so angry, so petty about this fact that i hold to be a âNO DUHâ truth, and that everyone else seems to just...ignore.
i hate feeling this way. i hate feeling vindication when things fall through, or people get hurt, or things donât go a certain way for someone. but it gives me those little moments of âaha, your way of looking at the world is full of holesâ. it gives me little bits of âaha, caught you in your completely fucked up reasoningâ. it gives me little bits of signs that iâm actually a sane individual who over the course of the last year of trying to readjust to this damn campus can still get something, anything, right.
itâs the same feeling i got when i laughed at the people who said my mom was in a better place while bawling their eyes out, because what their actions were didn't even come close to what theyâre preaching.
itâs such a relief.Â
just writing this out.
weights off the chest and all that.
just to be able to say the sentences:
âiâm not going insaneâ
âthis argument holds no waterâ
âiâm ok. iâm ok.â

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Portrait of Jane Hading, by Alfred Roll, 1890
I think the Divergent fandom died