#mountainstein

David: Hi there

The Waif: What the..

David: Don’t freak out I’m here to help. So fill me in, what’s going on.

The Waif: Nothing. I don’t…

David: Hang on you sound familiar, who are you?

The Waif: No one.

David: Oh my god! You’re the Waif! Are we…We’re in Game of Thrones!

The Waif: What?

David: Shut up. Oh man, & you. You’re totally trying to Game of Thrones someone!

The Waif: I don’t even know what that means…

David: It’s about time. Arya, you’re trying to Game of Thrones that bitch. Oh, this is fantastic, people have been waiting ages for this.

The Waif: For what? What people?

David: This whole arc.

The Waif: …..

David: I guess I must seem like a god to you…ECHOOO!!!

The Waif: …..

David: So how’re you gonna do it?

The Waif: Well I dressed as an old woman.

David: Go on…

The Waif: I waited until her future looked bright, she’d booked passage home, had a jaunty moment. Something in my head just told me to wait until she felt secure & optimistic, like her future had possibilities.

David: Showrunners, of course, happens to the best of ‘em.

The Waif: Then I crept up behind her & from nowhere stabbed her in the belly.

David: Wow! Now that’s how a professional handles

The Waif: Then I threw her over the bridge.

David: Wh…Why would you do that?

The Waif: Well…Why not?

David: I mean you just turned her into a reverse hedgehog, wouldn’t it have been easier to just watch her die?

The Waif: Oh she died. No one could survive that.

David: I thought you were No one?

The Waif: No one in the abstract.

David: Confusing…Look, normally you’d be right. But I mean think it through here, a strange foreigner coming to learn from you? Check. Your mentor has an out of character fondness for her? Check. Tragic backstory. Check. They send you, her rival, to kill her? Checkmate. What you’ve got right here’s a main character, no doubt about it.

The Waif: So you’re telling me…

David: She’s alive, totes.

The Waif: No. Not possible.

David: She’s getting aid as we speak. Has she met a new character recently? Most likely a bit part.

The Waif: The actress!

David: Yes that would make narrative sense. Mother substitute. If you’d been paying attention, you’d have figured it out yourself.

The Waif: Paying attention to WHAT?

David: Fair point. Look just find her OK?

The Waif: I’ll find her.

David: Actually I’m just gonna jump us ahead to that point if that’s OK.

The Waif: What the…What did you do? Everything just stopped.

David: Nothing. Look ignore the fourth wall stuff OK? It’ll just get complicated if we both do it.

The Waif: I’ve never...So cold...So...So dark...

David: I understand, but the guy writing this. He’s got a bit of a weakness for this, especially when he’s doing it off the cuff. He thinks it’s meta.

The Waif: What does that mean?

David: Neither of us really know to be honest. But we’re reasonably sure it’s clever.

The Waif: OK...

David: Now you’re in the actresses’ house. You see Arya?

The Waif: Yes she’s sleeping.

David: You see her sleeping?

The Waif: Yes.

David: That would have been a good moment to kill her.

The Waif: The old woman would have protected her.

David: Where is she?

The Waif: I killed her.

…..

The Waif: …..

…..

The Waif: FUCK!

David: It’s alright, it’s not your fault. It’s just this... This whole season. Are you at least disguised? You have one of the face things?

The Waif: No.

David: Why?

The Waif: She needs to know it’s me.

David: I am 100% certain she does not.

The Waif: She went out the window.

David: NO! Chase her you idiot!

The Waif: Relax, nobody could have survived, not with injuries like hers.

David: This is fucking Arya fucking Stark! She hasn’t interacted with a relevant character since season 3 & people still love her! We had an entire season of her & the Hound riding a horse to White Castle. People couldn’t get enough of it!

The Waif: Alright, I’m chasing her already.

David: I can see. Are you doing the T-1000 thing on purpose? As an homage?

The Waif: What?

David: You know, the way you run, you can both perfectly mimic anybody, but don’t bother to? Nevermind. Why have you slowed down?

The Waif: She’s bleeding, I can take my time & savour the moment.

David: No! Do you real…..

David: …..

David: …..

David: Am I on mute?

‘Real’ David: Yup.

David: Why?

‘Real’ David: Well I mean, I didn’t really have time to write you out of it. I only had an hour or so to do this. By next week, everyone will have moved on, episode 9. I had to do it at work, real rush job.

David: That’s such a lazy excuse, ‘couldn’t write them out of it’, you wrote me into it!

‘Real’ David: Yeah I know. To do it over, I probably wouldn’t have posted this the very day after the episode.

David: Still, at least it’s over.

‘Real’ David: True, true. 

David: You see the Hound?

‘Real’ David: Yeah

David: Think we’ll get to see him fight Mountainstein?

‘Real’ David: Wouldn’t that have been sweet.

David: This fucking season man…