#moth brain

then later during the group meeting she sat down beside me and was like, talking in a really low voice so no one else could hear us, she's so hot i need her to talk me through it. god i couldn’t focus on a single thing she was saying because all i could think about was how fucking close she was. which sounds pathetic because it is pathetic. i’m one accidental hand touch away from being put on life support.

also she was wearing lip gloss today.

listen.

LISTEN.

i’m only human.

she kept biting her lip while reading and i genuinely had to look up at the ceiling at one point because my thoughts were becoming criminal. there are astronauts with less tension in their bodies than me sitting next to her in the library. and she smells so good all the damn time. how is that fair. how am i supposed to focus on citations and timelines when she keeps leaning close enough for me to smell her shampoo. i think if she ever hugged me i’d just collapse like one of those fainting victorian women. i want her to do more than hug me.

Thursday

today she rested her head on my shoulder for like three seconds.

THREE SECONDS.

she was laughing at something on my phone and leaned into me (without thinking definitely), and i swear my soul ascended directly into space. like goodbye everybody. tell Joel i loved him.

i stayed completely still because i was terrified she’d move away if i breathed too hard. but you alr know internally i was losing my fucking mind. absolute chaos. monkeys with cymbals. sirens going off. one of those cartoon nuclear explosion mushroom clouds. she just kept giggling too. all soft and warm right against me. i’m never recovering from this. no joke this is it for me. this is how i die. not by zombie apocalypse or shark attack or asteroid impact but because a pretty girl used me as a pillow for three seconds.

guess what too, i noticed she has freckles across her nose. super tiny ones. i don’t know if they’ve always been there or if i’m just staring at her face so often now that i’m discovering new details like an obsessed little freak. probably the second one. god i want to kiss her so bad. like embarrassingly bad. like if she looked at me right now and said “hey ellie wanna make out” i’d probably trip over my own feet trying to say yes so fast.

Friday

she called me smart today. like directly. we were working on the project and i explained something about one of the sources and she got this look on her face and went all quiet for a second before telling me i’m really smart actually.

ACTUALLY.

like she was surprised. which okay rude (i discovered i have a new kink), but also she said it while looking right at me, RIGHT AT ME IN THE FUCKING EYES and i haven’t known peace since. i think she noticed i got flustered too because she got this smirk on her face and suddenly i was overheating so badly i could’ve powered a small city. then — and this is where things become concerning for my doctor — she reached over and fixed my collar because apparently it was folded weird?? mhm mhm.

do you understand what that did to me psychologically.

her hands were RIGHT THERE.

soft too. i noticed immediately because of course i fucking did. my brain records every interaction with her. she said sorry after like she’d done something wrong STOP MA''AM PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS BACK ON ME.

— e

Monday

listen, i’m starting to think she likes messing with me. like she enjoys watching me malfunction a little. which honestly? fair. i’d probably do the same thing if i had this much power over somebody she literally has no idea what I would do for her. she stole my hoodie this morning. okay technically she said she was cold and asked if she could borrow it but SAME DIFFERENCE. and then she actually PUT IT ON. right in front of me. like that’s a normal thing to do when you know a girl is already one step away from chewing through drywall over you.

it was too big on her too. sleeves covering her hands and everything. i almost started barking.

this girl wore it the whole project meeting while sitting next to me, I couldn't get out of my head the idea that she'd smell like my laundry detergent afterward. like my brain kept circling around that thought over and over like a fucking cracked out vulture.

at one point she looked down at the sleeves and laughed about how huge it was on her and i had to physically tear my eyes away because she was too hot and i was becoming unstable. i am not surviving this semester.

Wednesday

something is happening here.

i don’t know WHAT exactly. maybe i’m delusional. maybe i’ve finally snapped completely and need to be studied by professionals in a little glass enclosure. but SOMETHING is happening.

because this morning she kept turning around to look at me. not even subtle little glances either. like full eye contact. grinning and everything. and every time i caught her doing it she’d get this adorablly amused look on her face like she knew exactly what she was doing to me.

which should be illegal. cruel and unusual punishment.

then after school we were walking out together and she bumped our shoulders together while talking and stayed really close the whole time. like REALLY close. close enough that our hands kept brushing accidentally. except after the third time i’m pretty sure it stopped being accidental. i almost grabbed her hand.

I ALMOST DID IT.

and then immediately panicked and shoved my hands into my pockets like a coward. classic ellie behavior. survival instincts of a startled deer. but god i wanted to. i keep thinking about what her hand would feel like in mine, and i actually need to stop before i lose my mind completely.

Thursday

she fell asleep on me today.

i’m not kidding.

we were studying in the library and she kept complaining about being tired (I like it a little too much when she gets all whiny), and eventually she just kinda slumped against my shoulder and went quiet. and then. she stayed there. for twenty minutes.

TWENTY.

trust i didn’t move a fucking muscle the entire time. my back started hurting halfway through and i still refused to shift because i’d rather die painfully than wake her up. she looked so soft too. like unfairly soft. hair falling in her face a little, breathing all slow and relaxed, one hand was curled near her chest. I was afraid my heart was gonna explode out of my ribcage, like some kind of horrible alien chestburster situation. i wanted to kiss the top of her head so bad I'm actually proud of how hard I resisted.

sure sounds dramatic but I don't give a shit. everything about her makes me dramatic.

also when she woke up she looked embarrassed for about two seconds before smiling at me all sleepy and mumbling a little apology and OH MY GOD. i think that moment shortened my lifespan by at least ten years.

she kept rubbing her eyes afterward my baby marry me right now marrymemarrymemarryme there’s no way she doesn’t know what she’s doing to me at this point. absolutely no way.

Saturday

i had to sit across from her today instead of next to her and honestly i think it was worse somehow because now i could just fully look at her face the whole time. terrible situation for someone with my particular set of problems.

she kept resting her chin in her hand while reading, like she always does, and looking at me through her eyelashes and i felt like prey being slowly hunted by a very beautiful very gentle wolf heh. also she wore a tank top today. i deserve compensation for this. financial compensation. emotional damages. maybe a medal for surviving.

her arms looked really nice, i kept catching myself staring every five seconds like some Victorian man seeing ankle for the first time. look, thinking back on it there's no way I could've resisted I don't even regret anything.

then she stretched at one point and i accidentally made direct eye contact with her stomach and immediately forgot every language i’ve ever learned. don't judge me I know I do this shit a lot, I'm only human. btw she fucking caught me and I swear I saw some sort of look in those beautiful irises of hers.

oh she knows. she absolutely fucking knows. and somehow she keeps looking at me like she likes me anyway. which is terrifying. I'm scared now.

Monday

i don’t understand how one person can be this pretty all the time. like statistically there should be off days. there should be moments where she looks a little busted or tired or weird. but no. every single day she walks into school looking unreal and perfect like she was handcrafted by the gods specifically to ruin my fucking life.

today she wore her glasses instead of contacts and i walked directly into a door because i couldn’t stop staring at her. she kept pushing them back up her nose while reading, what is this woman doing to me ughhhhh.

and she’s so SMART. so terrifyingly smart. not in an annoying way either (my angel could never annoy me). she just… knows things. effortlessly. she explains stuff in this calm patient voice that makes me want to listen forever even when i already understand it. honestly i think she could read me grocery lists and i’d still sit there staring at her like she personally invented language.

during the project meeting i got stuck on one of the questions and she leaned closer to help me figure it out and i swear i would’ve done literally anything she asked in that moment. anything.

she could’ve been like “ellie go fight a bear for me” and i would’ve been halfway into the woods before realizing i don’t have any survival skills whatsoever. i’m serious. I'm head over heels. completely gone over this girl.

also she tucked my hair behind my ear today because apparently it was “in my face.” flatlined right there in the library, I swear to god.

her fingers brushed my cheek for half a second and i genuinely stopped hearing anything around me. god pleasepleaseplease i want her so bad. not even just physically although JESUS CHRIST physically too. i just want all of her. i want her attention all the time. i want her to look at me like i matter forever. shit how do I kiss her without her noticing?

Tuesday

okay i need to calm down because i’m starting to become actually insane about this girl. documentary-level behavior. future true crime podcast subject. why you may ask? she borrowed my pen and i spent the rest of class staring at the spot where her teeth marks ended up on the cap afterward.

i KNOW HOW THAT SOUNDS.

trust me nobody is more horrified by me than me. bro idec I want her to leave those bite marks on me. she kept absentmindedly chewing on it while reading, lord give me strength. i could not stop looking at her lips. if she ever took pity and kissed me I'd pass out.

then she sat cross-legged in her chair during lunch, and i accidentally looked at her thighs for a second too long and then immediately had to pretend i was deeply interested in my yogurt. i wasn’t. the yogurt sucked. she’s just so fucking pretty it makes me feel evil. like i’m being tested by some higher power.

and she’s A SWEETHEART on top of it which feels excessive surely. pick a struggle. am I a pervert.

Thursday

she wore lip gloss again.

clear shiny lip gloss fuuuuck.

my thoughts are now entirely based around tracking tiny details about her appearance, like some lovesick cryptic. i spent literally the entire project meeting trying not to stare at her lips while she talked and i failed miserably. absolutely catastrophic failure. every time she paused to think and pressed her lips together i had to look away before my thoughts became too embarrassing even for ME.

which is saying something because my thoughts are already like 90% embarrassing. also today she rested her hand on my knee for one second while laughing. ONE SECOND. and my body reacted like i’d been electrocuted.

please sit on my face lap.

Sunday

i had another dream about her. this one was way worse

we were laying in bed together and she was half asleep wearing one of my shirts and every time she talked her voice was low and sleepy and soft and i woke up feeling like i needed to be sedated.

then i had to actually SEE her later today which felt unfair. cause duh, now every time she looked at me my brain was helpfully providing flashbacks from the dream like a movie montage.

she sat really close to me during the project thing again and i kept noticing tiny details about her. the little scar near her knee. the way her eyelashes look when she looks down to read. the tiny sound she makes when she’s concentrating too hard.

i am so deeply cooked.

like if aliens abducted me right now and demanded i explain humanity i’d just show them a picture of her and be like “yeah this is why we write poetry and die in wars probably.”

also she stole fries off my plate today idk why that made me giddy. I guess there’s something about girls casually stealing your food that feels insanely intimate to me. probably because i’m mentally ill.

she just reached over all smiley lookin' like my future bride and took one while i stared at her trying not to say anything incriminating.

i would let her ruin my life ong.

— e

series masterlist

and she was smiling at him. at. him. okay she was smiling. at. him. that's fine. whatever. logically i know that means nothing, and maybe i'm reading too much into things because she smiles at everybody (cause shes an angel). I mean thats why i fell in love with her hello, not even exaggerating, if heaven is real it was created for her. for a while i was convinced she was a figment of my imagination, theres just no other way to put it; she's perfect. she’s sweet to literally everyone. that’s part of the problem. why the fuck wouldn't he have a crush on her? and if i had the confidence, i would do exactly the same thing he's doing right now.

but yuck, watching him shoot his shot was almost like watching some nameless foot soldier trying to catch Helen's eye. a completely forgettable person trying to gain the attention of the woman whose beauty could launch a thousand ships.

he kept making her laugh. i bet his jokes were ass. just guy jokes. those stupid, unfunny, typical guy jokes where they think being loud counts as having a personality. and trust me i know, i was lurking down the hall pretending to look for something in my backpack while internally experiencing the emotional equivalent of a meteor impact.

and he’s so… guy-shaped.

like tall and broad and muscular. the kind of guy girls are supposed to like. And I'm… a girl. a girl who still can't think straight because her crush touched her wrist three days ago, who doesn't know if said crush also likes girls.

But he's just a basic guy.

what if she wants that. what if she likes him back and I’m just sitting here deluding myself, writing gay little diary entries while she ends up dating some mathlete with a penis and a jawline. i actually feel so sick thinking about it. like genuinely nauseous, this isn't okay in the slightest.

then — and this is what got REALLY irritated — he put his fucking hands on her. He touched her face i don't know what the fuck he was doing and i don't fucking care, what makes him think he can caress any part of her body or stand literally anywhere near her? tf?? this guy has gotta go.

i saw it happen real time slomo, and maybe your girl kinda possibly allegedly shed a tear or two. and then went home and shed many more.  but this is all alleged i would never do that irl lol…

Anyway, back to reliving my personal hell. she didn’t move away. she just kept talking with it all polite and sweet because we've already established shes an angel. she probably doesn’t even realize when people are flirting with her. cause i've tried many- ok lemme not lie i've actually never had the courage so i can't make that argument sigh. but for my sanity and peace of mind i'm gonna say that she had absolutely no idea and was just being nice. right? help me.

To be real i wanted to walk over there so bad. not even to say anything coherent. just to stand next to her like, idk a jealous guard dog. maybe bite him a little. i didn't tho, since i was allegedly crying and, let's be real, it would have made it awkward.

i hate this. i hate jealousy. it makes me feel ugly and weird and possessive in this awful embarrassing way. she’s not mine. she can talk to whoever she wants. but the idea of her liking somebody else actually makes my chest hurt.

especially a GUY.

because what do i even compete with there?? he can probably flirt normally without looking like he’s about to throw up. he probably doesn’t spend hours analyzing every smile she gives him. he probably just says things and they come out cool and easy. oh and the lets not forget the most important one… you guessed it, he has a dick. he looks like one too.

how the actual fuck did i get myself into this fuckass dumbass stupidass situationnnnnnnn.

and he kept making her laugh. it keeps replaying in my head now. her tilting her head back, carefree and radient. He does not deserve to hear it. he shouldn't be standing there looking smug. should i kill him. i'm very much considering it now.

afterward when she came over to talk to me i (obviously) acted weird because i was still jealous and she noticed IMMEDIATELY. like one look at my face and started asking was asking if i was okay.

she looked genuinely concerned, there was this little frown on her face, i hate being the one to put that there, i don't want her worried about me, i want her to literally always be happy. i was just doing my hardest not to ask “do you wanna kiss him??” i just shrugged it off and said i was tired.

she didn't buy it, but she never pushes. said i should sleep more because i’ve been looking exhausted lately. Suddenly i felt even worse, because she's over here wanting the best for me, when all i've been doing the last twenty minutes is planning that guy’s (who she probably unfortunately likes) extinction.

god.

if she ever dates a man my soul will die.

friday

I didn’t immediately consider arson today so that’s progress. i hate that fucking guy, no i am not over it. she talked to him again though. briefly. just “hi” and some normal school thing blah blah blah, i had to stop myself from throwing up in the hallway.

did he do anything to me? no. Do i still hate him with every atom in my body? of course i do. you know what else i hate? i hate that i care this much. I am doing EVERYTHING i can to try and be normal about this ughh. i can't do it i can't i can't i can't. it probably would have been easier if i hadn't already chosen the floral arrangements for our wedding. how on earth do i get rid of this guy fuck.

she came and sat with me later and it was like my nervous system forgot how to be angry. she just… does that. she shows up and suddenly every problem i have feels distant and stupid.

she asked me if i was still thinking about the project or if i was just “staring into space again.” i said i was thinking. technically not a lie. just didn’t specify what about.

she laughed and said i do that a lot.

yeah. i do.

because you exist.

sunday

I can't sleep. i keep replaying every small thing she does.

like today she fixed my collar again without asking. just reached over, straightened it, she said i looked pretty. and then went back to her notes. y'know i really couldn't tell ya what happened after that cause i don't know. i don't even know what happened before she did that cause i no longer remember. hahahahahahahahahhahahafuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. um yeah i almost kissed her, i really really wanted too and i did lean in and like i think i said something along the lines of "you're even prettier" (ellie with the rizz? ik i shocked myself), and then she like, fuck she blushed she looked so irresistible annnnndthen the stupid bell rang and she ran away from me to go to the bathroom or sth. holy missed opportunity, i hate myself.

i think about her hands a lot. too much. also.

not in a platonic way, but yeah, it's like my brain has decided they are important information that must be constantly archived. and her voice. the way she says my name in this really simple way like bark, woof woof. it makes my stomach drop every time.

i try fantasising about what it would be like if she liked me. like actually actually liked me back. not just being freindly. it feels unrealistic. like thinking about dinosaurs still being alive or humans living on mars. possible in theory maybe but not in my life.

still. i keep thinking about it. what if she looked at me like i look at her. i don’t think i’d survive it. she's too good for me anyway.

tuesday

he was there again. Mr fucking wise guy with the loud obnoxious-ass voice.

he walked her to part of her locker area after class and they were talking and giggling, and i felt that horrible drop in my chest again like my body still hasn’t accepted reality. i tried to leave early so i didn’t have to see it but she saw me first and waved me over, like nothing is wrong. like i'm not wasting away on the inside because of her.

There's no way in hell i could ever ignore her so, against my better judgement, i went over to them. and she introduced me. casually. like “oh this is ellie, we’re working on a project together.”

just… this is ellie.

not “this is my friend ellie” or "this is the girl who i'm in a one sided homoerotic relationship with" or anything. just my name. that stung. he said hi. i think i said hi back. i don’t really remember because my brain was overheating.

then she turned to me and started talking about the project like normal and i just nodded along pretending i was a functioning human being while this guy stood there watching. it felt weird. like being replaced in real time, even though it's not like there was anything solid to replace apparently, so…

after he left she stayed with me for a bit and asked why i looked stressed. i almost told her. almost said, “because i think you might like him and i hate it.” she has no idea. she’s trying to make things easier without even knowing what’s wrong.

I'm writing this, rotting in my bed after doing literally nothing but crying all day. maybe i'll call her? idk what to do, but i need to know if i have even the slightest chance here. If i don't i'll have no choice but to move on. shit i don't want to think about that.

— e

Series masterlist

first she asked if i was okay. then if i was asleep. then if i was ignoring her on purpose. then: ellie seriously answer me. and then: look outside idiot

yes ma'am i am an idiot, and an idiot in love at that, because when i dragged myself to the window (looking like an actual corpse) THERE SHE WAS. standing outside my house. Yes physically outside. hands shoved in her pockets, rocking back and forth a little because it was cold, she's so adorable i literally forgot what i was depressed about hehe.

But real talk, i genuinely thought i was hallucinating for a second. Then she like waved at me and started talking and my mind was racing and my heart was in my ass, and she was beckoning me over, so ooobviously i ran downstairs immediately. i did make a small attempt at acting normal, lord knows i've already lost enough aura. Ended up almost falling down the last two steps, so... yeah.

Basically, couldn't get to the door fast enough. Ripped it open and oh. my. god. She’s always beautiful, but there was something about the way the tip of her nose turned all rosy from the cold that had me feeling like a moth writing love letters to a lighthouse.

First thing she did was ask if i was okay. which was already enough to make me feel insane because she CAME HERE. physically. because she noticed i was sad. i tried with the same dumb "i was just tired" excuse, that she definitely stopped buying by the fifth time i used it btw. Heh she called bullshit immediately, but she didn't look mad, just got this shimmer in her eye (yes her eyes shimmer and glow and sparkle), then said she wanted to take me somewhere. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Beginning to suspect i was not built for casual feelings.

and because i’m the easiest person alive when it comes to her no doubt, (proof is literally everywhere in this diary journal) i just said okay immediately. don't even need to ask any questions, and lowkey forgot i was trying to be nonchalant.

anyway she took me to the planetarium.

THE PLANETARIUM.

This is it, I've made it. she thinks of me outside of seeing me, and actually remembers what i like, there's absolutely no fucking way this is real. in fact i think it's far more probable that i accidentally stepped through a portal into another dimension, and this ellie gets everything she's ever dreamt about apparently. Whatever i'm not gonna fucking question it.

I'm definitely definitely not reading into anything but like… was this lowkey a date?? it was super dark and quiet inside and she sat really really close to me while all the stars were projected over the ceiling. i feel like a fucking thirteen year old girl i'm crushing on her soo bad, omg i could smell that coconuty shampoo she uses to wash her hair yummy. wait did she wash her hair before coming to see me? cause not to be creepy but i woulda clocked it immediately this morning (also i have her hair washing schedule memorised). nope, bad ellie, not gonna read into anything.

I'm gonna pretend it was a date idc. at one point she leaned over and whispered some joke about me probably knowing more than the narrator and i was cheesing so bad i fuckin' snorted. The embarrassment i felt after that should’ve killed me instantly but she just giggled. What on earth are you doing to me.

After the show I was desperately trying to think of literally any excuse to keep hanging out with her, and by some insane cosmic miracle there was an ice cream truck parked right around the corner.

So I asked if she wanted anything and she goes:

“You know I could never say no to you.”

??????????

HUH????

Finally a win for Ellie!!! and it gets better (i know, what a day), my shoelace came untied while we were walking out and before i even noticed, my lovely wife girlfriend friend crouched down and tied it for me… ARGHH! i'm so delusional help. 

idk i must've looked like i'd just been hit over the head with a shovel to her, and sounded like it too cause i started stuttering, even i don't know what i was attempting to say fuck. good job ellie. i'm such a loser.

I obviously insisted on walking her home cause if she gets kidnapped and they don't take me with her i'll die. kidding… kinda. Anywayy, we were talking and i was enjoying the sound of her melodic voice, and luckily was able to get a few sentences out, since a part of me felt guilty that she may have felt obligated to do this. Then she got all serious and she's cute when she's serious, and she was like she wanted too.

again with this “wanted to” shit.

this girl is going to kill me.

oh and she got me a keychain. At the gift shop, took my eyes off of her for literally two seconds to go pee and she bought me a gift. It’s this tiny little planetarium keychain with Saturn on it. The rings glow in the dark. So great, now every time I look at my keys I’m going to think about her orbiting my brain 24/7.

i really don’t understand why she cares about me this much. I know she's a sweetheart but sometimes she does things that feel way too thoughtful. idk like maybe she's paying attention to me in the same way i pay attention to her?? a girl can dream right.

If i let myself believe for even one second that she could maybe possibly feel even a fraction of what i feel for her—

nah.

nope.

not doing that to myself… ugh still though. She; came to my house alone of her free will, took me to my favourite place, tied my shoelaces (yes very important). And its's possible that maybe none of it means anything to her. But it means everything to me.

— e

series masterlist

a/n: I know it’s short, just didn’t wanna take forever to post a long chapter lol, but feedback is appreciated!!

my dearest, ellie, 

             where do i even begin? I know for certain that if I tried to list every reason you're important to me, we'd run out of birthdays before I ran out of reasons. You keep adding new ones without trying.

there are the obvious things. you make me laugh when i’m trying very, very hard not to, and you always notice when something’s wrong even when i swear i’m fine. I’ve never seen you back down from what you believe in, when I know it would be easier to stay quiet.

then there are the little things. the things you probably don’t notice about yourself, but i do (because i’m a stalker). like how you get a little pink when you think you’ve been talking too long, or how you start tapping on whatever’s nearby when you’re thinking hard. it makes you seem… very ellie.

my ellie.

it’s strange how often the smallest things remind me of you. and i don’t know if you realize how much of yourself you leave behind in people.

you’re woven into so many of my favorite memories that they don’t really feel separate from you anymore. a song is just a song, until we’re listening to it together eating pizza at midnight, and you’re explaining—very passionately—why your version of star wars opinions is the only correct one. then I can’t think of anything else when I listen to it.

if i had to choose just one thing out of everything i love about you (and there’s a lot), it would be the way you make ordinary things feel significant. nothing needs to be important for you to treat it like it is, and somehow that makes everything around you feel the same. even the most unremarkable days don’t feel like something to endure when you’re in them.

you’re magic, ellie. you have this habit of being entirely absorbed in things. it’s one of the best things about you.

you care, and then you care again, and nothing about it is small.

which, honestly, isn’t very fair to the rest of us. people don’t really stand a chance around you. my working theory is that’s why they can’t help caring about you too.

anyway. This is already getting embarrassingly sincere, and I'd rather not give you more ammunition to tease me with later.

i hope this year is kind to you in all the ways you deserve. and if it isn’t, well... you know where to find me. I'll still be here, listening to you explain why some dinosaur I've never heard of is cooler than all the others. 

I hope you find more things to get excited about. 

And I hope I get to be there for all of it.

happy birthday, els.

— Yours, always ♡

a/n: very, very loosely inspired by emily dickinson’s letters to sue. ugh, if only someone would write to me like emily wrote to her susie:(