#mostly failing

@pontevoix​ (cont.)

Tsukishima is many things - but Tsukishima is never cruel. Never intentionally, never for anything more than a joke; Yamaguchi knows this, and he knows that statement holds perhaps even more true when it comes to him. Hell, the most cruel thing he remember Tsukki doing to him is vaguely threaten to lock him up in the changing room if he didn’t hurry up. 

Yamaguchi tries to remember this, as he freezes by the gate to his family home’s garden, with Tsukishima standing in front of him. Yamaguchi has been trying to remember this for the past year or so.  But cruelty is perhaps sometimes worse when it is unintentional.

First they had texted daily. Then every other day, then sporadically. It was not anyone’s fault - life gets in the way, adulthood pulls people apart and forces a distance that takes more effort to bridge. But there is sporadic, and there is sporadic; Yamaguchi remembers all too clearly the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach every time he would check his phone, see that his last text had gone without reply for a week; the flare-ups of anxious thoughts he’d desperately try to keep under wraps because was Tsukki okay? Had he done/said something wrong? What was he missing? 

One week had turned into a month, and then - And then, the texts and calls had stopped altogether. 

Just like that Tsukishima had erased himself from his life.

It’s a strange thing, attempting to... mourn a relationship. To grieve for something as intangible as a bond -- and for something that has no resolution. Tsukishima disappeared without an explanation, and Yamaguchi had spent the past few months coming up with his own to fill in the gaps. He had to, for his own sanity; and for whenever Yachi-san, Hinata, whoever would ask ‘by the way, how’s Tsukishima doing? haven’t heard from him for a while!’ before falling into awkward and slow realising silence when Yamaguchi would be forced to say... he didn’t know either.

And now Tsukki stands here, like he’s never vanished; and Tsukki tenses up and bows down like he knows he has vanished; and the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach robs him from his breath and voice just long enough that he doesn’t have the time (or voice) to tell Tsukishima he doesn’t need to bow to him. 

Tsukki says whatever you do is enough, Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi finds it a little hard to believe, no matter how much he wants to. Tsukki says it wasn’t intentional... and Yamaguchi believes him.

Doesn’t make it any less painful. And half of Yamaguchi tries to convince himself that it’s his problem, not Tsukki’s. The other half is too busy... processing. Stuck in a loop of his own making that Tsukki’s sudden return abruptly derails. There are a million questions wrestling for priority of Yamaguchi’s tongue: Where were you? What happened? Are you okay? What do you want from me - this one has slipped first, clumsy and ripped from his mouth and rough around the edges. And now...

“... I was hoping it wasn’t the case.” Maybe soon enough it will be a comfort. Right now, it’s hard to think of it as such. Yamaguchi... isn’t exhauted. He’s wounded, and he’s been quietly bleeding out for months and he fears the slightest misstep will mak it worse even as it looks like help has finally arrived.