#modlennon

Paul nervously followed the slightly older boy. His dad had arranged this kind of 'play date' with the son of a friend. After moving again, Paul had fallen out of contact with his group of friends. He was too far away to casually meet up and gradually they had cut him out. Besides, currently Jim was very strict about who Paul should be with and for good reason. It was what made Paul nervous to meet new people. He wasn't normal and his greatest fear was people finding out. He was too nervous to really ask Ivan where they were going. Ivan didn't know Paul too well, but he wasn't really nervous or shy around him. He was quite the extrovert, and was excited to bring a new person into his little friend group. He looked at Paul as they walked, feeling a bit bad for the kid. He seemed so nervous.

 "So you play music right? Like... older music?" He asked, genuinely interested. His dad had suggested a few talking points before he met up with Paul to help him break the ice. Paul was pulled out of his thoughts by Ivan talking.

 "O... Oh... yeah... I mean... kinda."

Paul hadn't found many people who enjoyed playing the music he did. He mostly played along with the songs in his room now. Without other people to compare with, it was hard for him to gauge how good he really was.

 "Well Pete and John will love that, they're /obsessed/ with the oldies. Stuart's more into art stuff, he can be a bit pretentious about it all so don't mind him." Ivan warned. He wanted to help Paul as much as he could, he felt bad that he was the new kid without any real friends. "I think John's been trying to get a group together for a while, I dunno if that's something you're interested in, but he bugs us all the time about it." He was happy to chat as they walked. He was headed towards a little cafe that was their usual hangout. It was done up in a sort of retro style, and even had a jukebox with old music. Ivan sped up a bit when the cafe was in sight, excited to see his friends.

 "Well... I... I dunno..."

Paul feared might sound terrible with others. They might sound bad singing together. He didn't want to embarrass himself. He sped up to keep up with Ivan, realising they must be nearly there.

 "It’s just a thought. He'll probably bug you about it if he finds out you play," Ivan shrugged and smiled at him. "He's kinda pushy. I think you'll like Pete the best, he's quiet too."

 As they passed the window a boy with shaggy dark hair banged on the glass, pulling a silly face at Ivan through the glass, making him laugh. A boy with bright blonde hair in the same booth was laughing. The other with dark hair was looking off with a disapproving expression. Paul watched the interaction with wide eyes. He fell behind Ivan a bit, as if he could hide him. But it was stupid, considering he'd have to go into the cafe and sit down. They'd all see him anyway. Still he hung back and almost hid in a corner when Ivan went in to greet his friends. Ivan gave the boy who pulled the face a playful shove when he got inside. After a little laughter, he turned and beckoned Paul closer. He introduced the blonde boy as Pete, the disapproving boy as Stuart, and the other as John. Paul gave a polite little smile and awkward sort of wave. He didn't take a seat, he waited until the others had settled to find a spare space. His dad had given him some money so he figured he could get himself a drink when they each had their place. John had been on the inside of the booth, but after a brief meaningful look with Ivan, and an exasperated sigh from Ivan, he got up to let Ivan on the inside. That left the only open seat right beside John. Ivan looked at Paul again.

 "If he bothers you at all just let me know, I'm not afraid to make him take a lap and think about his actions." His tone was teasing, but his eyes were a bit genuinely apologetic.

He knew from the look John had given him that John found Paul attractive, and the seat switching had been done so John could hit on him. It wasn't the first time something like that had happened. John was unashamed about his sexuality, he simply liked beautiful people. Though he knew nothing about Paul yet, the instant attraction was undeniable. John wanted to know him better. Paul just smiled again in acknowledgement. When it had settled, he stood up to get something.

 "Dya want anythin?" He asked Ivan quietly not wanting to be the centre of attention but he couldn't rudely get something for himself and not offer Ivan.

 "Oh I'm alright for now, thanks!"

Ivan looked genuinely delighted that Paul had asked, more so because Paul was interacting even if just in a small way than anything else. The other three all had some mix of drinks and little pastries and Ivan was happy to munch off of theirs to taste test what was good today before deciding what he wanted. Paul nodded and went off to get himself something. He came back with a tray. He went for tea and had a cup, jug of milk and little teapot. He even treated himself to a piece of cake. If he was eating he had an excuse to not talk. By the time Paul got back, Ivan and Stuart were in a little debate about painting techniques, which Pete was trying to mediate. John had been watching them, quite amused, but shifted his attention as soon as Paul sat down. He looked the boy over again and smiled.

 "So how do you know Ivan?"

 Paul gave John another of those wide eyed looks, shocked he was being directly addressed. He hadn't managed to start eating yet so he didn't even have that excuse.

 "O... our parents are friends..."

 John bit his lip and looked down. /Fuck/ it was ridiculous how cute this kid was! Did he realize how adorable that wide eyed look was? He had to literally look away.

 "That's cool. So are you living here now or just visiting?"

 "We're livin around here now."

 Paul wasn't sure how to talk to John. He kept looking away from him. He distracted himself by making up a cup of tea. John had to get used to that stare, otherwise it would be impossible to talk to Paul. He decided to go for a more playful conversation than serious, as he was much better at that.

 "Ahh nice. So you're gonna be one of us then. I trust Ivan's told you about our initiation process by now? Don't worry too much, you'll have a few months to prepare…"

John made his voice sound a bit grave, as if Paul would be doing something quite unpleasant in order to join their group. He was only kidding, of course, wanting to make Paul laugh. Unfortunately Paul didn't know Johns humour and couldn't read him yet. He froze looking terrified.

 "I... y...ya what?"

 Paul nearly left then. He didn't want to have to do something horrible! His first though was what if they chucked him in water??

That would be disastrous!

He leaned away from John a bit. John saw the terror in Paul's eyes and realized he had fucked up.

"Ah shit, I'm only joking!" He laughed, putting his arm around Paul's shoulder in a shockingly forward move to pull him closer again. "We're just a group of misfits, you don't have ta do anything ta be with the group. Sometimes my bad humour just gets the best of me."

 "O...oh... r... right..."

 Paul tried to relax but it was difficult now he was pressed against a stranger. Still he calmed a bit, realising it was a joke. At one point Paul glanced down as he lost his balance. As he did, a slight blue sheen ran through his otherwise black hair. It was only really visible up close and for a split second. John had been just close enough, intensely admiring Paul, so he noticed what he thought was a flash of blue.

 "Woah, you colour your hair?"

 It was a stupid question, as that wasn't anything weird, but it just sort of slipped out. He hadn't seen any blue before, and was a little taken aback by the sheen of blue. Even now he couldn't see it anymore. Was it just a trick of the light? Paul looked up at John with a confused look.

 "N...no... see... it matches my eyebrows."

 Paul raised his eyebrows a bit so they touched his fringe.

 "Oh.. I just thought I saw…" John reached without thinking to push Paul's hair back a bit behind his ear, checking for blue underneath. There was nothing. He shook his head a bit with an apologetic smile. "I must be losing my mind today," he brushed it off with a laugh. Paul froze. He looked a little scared about John messing around his ears.

 "M...maybe it was a trick of the light?" Paul suggested.

 When John moved back he picked up his drink and had a sip. Paul couldn't take his eyes off John, so captivated his cake lay untouched. There was something about John and as he joked more, Paul relaxed and admired little things more.

 John nodded, "yeah must be." He turned a bit so he was mostly facing Paul, giving him all of his attention. "So tell me more about you, what do you like to do when you're bored, what do you think about right before you fall asleep? What's your favourite band?"

 John wanted... no needed to know everything about Paul.

 "That’s a very strange set of questions." Paul giggled a bit. "I like Elvis. When I'm bored I mostly play music but I draw sometimes. And as for what I think about... I dunno. Depends what I've done today or gotta do tomorrow." Paul raised an eyebrow. "Gemini by the way." He joked, giving John a little jab at all the questions. John nodded with a very serious expression.

 "Ah yes, that's a very Gemini way to answer those questions." Then he grinned, "sorry, I just don’t see the point in small talk, you know. If I wanna know you, then I wanna know you." He explained.

"And those questions give ya enough ta know me?" Paul had a little grin now. He had completely relaxed. "But I'm intrigued. Ya seem ta be an expert on Geminis. So tell me. What d’ya expect?"

 "Mmm you'll be very difficult, but I like a challenge. Probably a bit of a diva, too, right? I bet it takes you an hour just ta get your hair right." He teased a bit, testing the waters for how much he could joke with Paul.

 It was clear by the way he was looking at Paul, already so taken with him, that he wasn't trying to insult him.

 "It naturally falls that perfect! An when ya say diva, it's not just a polite way of saying two faced right?"

 Though John had not seen Pauls bitchy side. He wondered what he'd think. What if he didn't like that side of him? Paul stopped himself. Why was he thinking /that/? They had just met!

 John laughed a bit, "no no no, bein a diva is different. I can handle a diva." He said, as if reading Paul's mind.

 It seemed so forward, but something about Paul made him feel like he'd known him his whole life. He felt so relaxed and comfortable around him already.

"How dya know ya could handle me?" Paul tilted his head a bit.

 He wasn't even stopping to think how he was basically flirting with John. He had never even really considered his sexuality.

 "Do you think I couldn't?" John raised an eyebrow, amused.

John had been leaning closer unconsciously as they spoke. He had the strangest sensation that they were the only two in the world in that moment, the others completely forgotten and blocked out of his mind.

 "I haven't had enough proof ya could." Paul shot back.

 "Fair enough." John quite liked that, Paul didn't seem as nervous as he had initially. "So, Elvis ey?" He switched the topic, pulling back just a tiny bit, a pleased grin on his face.

 Paul gave a little nod. "Well... others too but ya seemed ta only want one answer."

 "Elvis is a good answer. Vinyl or digital?" He looked quite serious about this one.

 "Well I do have a record collection but it's a little difficult to travel with them so I gotta have some on my phone too." Paul explained taking it just as serious.

 John nodded approvingly. "I'd like to see your collection. Can I come over this weekend?" John had no shame inviting himself over.

 Paul suddenly looked shocked again. "Wh... what?"

 "I'm not doing anything Saturday night. Can I come over?"

 Ivan took that moment to jump in. "John you can't just invite yourself to people's homes!"

 Paul was looking nervous. But it was the weekend so... he wouldn't exactly be alone in his house with John.

 "Well... I... I think the whole point of me coming here was for me to make friends right?"

 "So that's a yes?" John grinned brilliantly, completely ignoring Ivan's comment. "I'll need your number then so I can text you to get your address."

 "Why? Can ya not remember it if I told you?" Paul raised an eyebrow.

 "I wouldn't wanna risk it. I've got a shit memory," John explained.

 He wasn't lying, though he did want Paul's number anyways so it wasn't the full truth.

 "Is it that bad?" Paul teased.

 John nodded gravely. "It's horrible, Pam." He joked, hoping that Paul would get his sense of humour.

 "Oh so ya blind to, considerin ya can't even /see/ my gender." Paul was getting used to Johns humour.

 "Hey you can be a boy named Pam. It is 2019, you know, there's not as many lines these days." He grinned again and reached for something in his jacket pocket, "though you are right, I should really get a proper look at you, now that I know such intimate details like your zodiac sign."

John put on a rather large pair of glasses that were a bit reminiscent of Buddy Holly's glasses. Paul was shocked. He never expected John to have glasses, or that he would look so... /attractive/ in them. He suddenly nervous, under Johns gaze, blushing slightly.

 "Do I make you nervous?" John asked softly, a little thrill running through him at the sight of Paul blushing.

 Fuck, he was far too cute. John wasn't used to falling so hard, so fast for someone. He had never felt such instant attraction before. Paul glanced up.

 "No...well...kinda...when ya gotta put on glasses ta analyse me..."

 "Mmm.. well ya shouldn't be.. ya look even better up close in high detail like this. Really you're very pretty." John was a bit more serious again. Paul blushed again, heavier this time.

 "W...well thanks..."

Sure, people had told Paul he was cute before, but somehow hearing it from John meant to much more. He looked up again and in a sudden act of bravery, he put his hands both side of Johns face and rested his fingertips on the arms on his glasses. "May I?" He looked like a curious child. Things like glasses always fascinated Paul. John was a bit shocked, but altogether pleased that Paul didn't seem so shy now. How could he? To John it felt like they'd known each other for years already. Christ, something about this kid was really getting to him.

 "Sure," he said softly. He had a quickly passing thought that he might have trouble ever telling Paul no.

 Paul carefully lifted the glasses off and after studying them for a moment carefully slipped them on his own face. He gave a little sharp intake of breath when he realised just how bad Johns eyesight was then looked up.

 "Well?"

 "They suit you well," John looked him over approvingly with a little grin.

 Paul gave a bashful little smile. He had to take them off though, they did hurt a bit to keep looking through. He carefully put them back on Johns face.

 "I think they're better on you..." His hands lingered on the sides of his face.

 John had to fight back a sudden urge to turn his face and kiss Paul's hand. Christ, this whole interaction felt too intimate for two people who were just meeting for the first time. His eyes locked on Paul's, just staring at him. Paul felt frozen as he stared back at John. He had never felt anything like this before. His heart hammered so hard he was sure everyone would be able to hear it. Even though nothing was being said it was like they were having an entire conversation.

 Johns friends looked at each other not quite sure what to do. In the end Stu leaned over to John.

 "Dya want us ta leave ya alone with ya date or what?" He teased.

 Stu invading the space broke the spell and Paul looked over as if remembering there were others there. His hands fell from Johns face. John looked over, a little pissed that Stuart had interrupted the moment.

 "I would appreciate it if ya fucked off, yeah."

 Ivan frowned, "You're monopolizing all of Paul's time! Let him meet everyone else."

 Paul flushed again realising he had been ignoring the two other boys. That was incredibly rude!

 "S...sorry..." He apologised, scooting away from John a little. John frowned at that.

 Pete, who had been sat back watching gave a little shrug. "Theres obviously somethin going on here. Are you sure you two have never met? Like as kids or anything?"

 "No." Paul said rather quickly. So quickly Pete raised his eyebrow. He sounded so sure.

 But who remembered every person they ever met as a /child/? John hadn't really thought of that possibility.

 "Are ya sure? I mean ya never visited family here or anything?" Paul just seemed so... familiar.

 "No. We haven't met." Paul said again with just as much certainty.

 John hadn't been in his year at school. They were the only kids Paul really hung around with. He didn't spend holidays around the home.

 John shrugged, guessing Paul must be right if he was that sure.

 The others looked completely baffled. Pauls accent told them he had never strayed far from Liverpool, but he was so certain... for now they left it.

 Stu was the first to stand up.

 "I gotta get goin. I wanted to swing by the art shop before it closed."

 Of course as much as Stu wanted to hang out with his friends he just as equally wanted to be home painting. Pete also said he was supposed to be back before dinner as he had relatives visiting. Ivan frowned.

 "I really should be getting Paul home. I have to get back too."

 Honestly Ivan just didn't want to play third wheel in whatever John and Paul had going on. Paul really didn't want to leave John. He felt like the time was far too short.

"Well...I still have this cake..." he said weakly trying to prolong the time with John.

 "I can take him home. Is that alright?" He turned back to Paul. "I don't want ya ta waste your cake." He was more than happy to latch onto any excuse to stay with Paul longer.

Ivan paused for a moment. Jim might be angry he left his son in the care of a stranger to him. But he knew John. And while he could be immature he wasn't exactly dangerous.

 "Alright." He finally relented. "I'll see ya some time."

 Pauls heart fluttered as he realised he was about to spend some time alone with John.

With a few more goodbyes Ivan left them alone. Paul gave John a little smile then picked up the fork so he could actually start eating. It wasn't the best after sitting out for a few hours but he just didn't care. John watched him with a little smile, thinking for a moment before speaking again.

"So you're not gonna fall in love with Stuart, are you? Because most people do and I'm just here to warn you his looks don't make up for his wet mop of a personality." He was back to joking, very lightly gauging Paul's reactions. Paul blinked for a moment.

"Depends. Which one was Stu again?"

He had been so focused on John he hadn't really remembered much about the other two. It sounded mean, but all he cared about right now was John.

"The brooding one."

John was quite pleased, no matter how selfish it seemed, that Paul didn't even remember which was which.

"Alright..."

Though that didn't really help. Instead Paul got some more cake on the fork and held it up for John to eat. John didn't hesitate, happily taking a bite. He made a little noise of appreciation. Paul looked quite pleased at that and had some more. He slowly shared the piece between them not caring how intimate it looked or how they used the same fork. It all just seemed so right. As they ate, John started up the conversation again.

"So you said you draw, right? And play? Tell me more about that."

John felt such a strong urge to learn everything about Paul that he possibly could.

"Well... theres not much to say really. I ain't had trainin or... or really /show/ anyone..."

"What do you play?"

"Oh...well... dad tried to get me playin trumpet...coz he likes Jazz. But I didn't really get on with it. I can do it a bit but not amazingly. Anyway I managed to trade it in for a guitar an I had problems with that until I flipped the strings. I can also play a bit of piano. For my birthday I was thinking of asking for a bass to try something new." Paul got a little lost in his story. When he was done he bit his lip. "Sorry...ya didn't ask for that much information did ya?"

"I did, though. I wanna know those things," John smiled, looking like he truly meant it. "Ya said ya had ta flip the strings? So you're left handed?"

He looked down at the hand Paul was using to hold the fork, slightly confused. He'd been favouring his right hand all evening.

"Oh...yeah."

Although he was using his right hand, he wore his watch on on his right wrist. It was like he tried to hide the fact but some habits he just couldn't break.

"That's cool. We should jam together sometime," John enthused. "I play guitar and harmonica, and sing. I even write my own songs. I've been trying to get a band together for ever now, you should really join."

John was happy to latch onto any excuse to see Paul more, though this idea was particularly exciting. Paul frowned and looked away, not wanting to disappoint John.

"I... I don't really...play with people."

"That's okay. I can get ya comfortable playing with me first, then we can talk about the band." He grinned, unfazed.

"I might not be that good y’know."

"I'm sure you are," John insisted.

He just had a feeling. Paul was just shy, he was sure of it. Paul just gave a little shrug. He couldn't exactly argue with John.

"Dya fancy walkin outside?"

Paul was conscious they were just sat taking up a table after finishing the cake. Besides it was turning into a nice evening.

 "Sure."

As long as they were still hanging out, John really didn't care where they were. Paul gave John a sweet little smile and stood up, leading him out of the cafe. While they walked Paul kept glancing in the direction of the docks. It was like he wanted to go but was scared to. John was so focused on Paul, he noticed pretty quickly where he kept looking.

"Have ya been out to the docks before?"

John really didn't know how well Paul knew the area. He sounded like he lived here his whole life, but that comment from before... John just wasn't sure.

"Huh? Oh...yeah. Quite... quite a bit actually."

Paul blushed realising he'd been caught.

"Dya wanna go out there now? The sun's gonna set soon, I bet that'll look really pretty over the water."

John didn't know why that was making Paul blush, but he was enjoying the little tinge of colour in his cheeks. Paul bit his lip looking like he was having a real mental battle. John looked like he really wanted to go. Besides the water was always still. And all the railings meant he wasn't exactly in danger of falling in.

"A... alright."

As they walked, John kept looking Paul over. He was so fascinated with him, and he couldn't help but feel Paul was keeping some secrets. Of course that only made John want to know those secrets even more.

"So ya said you're so sure we've never met, but you've been to the docks quite a bit.. ya sound like you were born an raised here.. how can you be so sure we never ran into each other in a record shop or a bus stop or even here at the docks?"

"Did ya go ta Stockton Wood or the institute?" Paul asked, not looking at John.

"Ah no, Dovedale and Quarry Bank." He frowned, "still we could've run into each other elsewhere."

"I doubt it." Paul paused. "Every holiday we.... we were in Ireland."

There seemed something off about how Paul said it. John frowned a bit deeper. He wasn't sure why, but he had the strangest sensation that Paul was lying.

"Alright."

He wasn't going to push too much right now. After all they had only just met, and maybe Paul had a good reason for lying. He didn't want to risk upsetting him. Paul was very quiet as they got nearer to the docks. Of course the water looked peaceful and despite being so unsure he seemed to relax the closer they got. As they entered the main arch on the left they passed a ramp, used to get boats in and out of the water. It was the only place with no railings. The concrete ramp just went straight into the water. Paul stopped and stared at the water, fighting some kinda urge. John stopped when he did, looking at him with a slightly confused expression.

"Okay, I can't tell if you're scared of the water or if ya really wanna go for a swim." He said with a little laugh, trying to break the sudden tension he felt radiating from Paul.

Paul jumped as John spoke as if he remembered he was there.

"Sorry."

He pulled himself away, watching the little carousel turning instead as a distraction. He needed to get his mind away from the water. He was fine. He wasn't going in. At one point he noticed the padlocks locked onto the chain railings, stretching for miles, each with the names of two people in love.

"There must be hundreds from around the world here." He commented seeing the rows. "Dya think they're all still together?"

John looked at the locks and shrugged.

"Probably most of them. I mean, you'd have to be a real romantic at heart ta do somethin like that, so I'm sure most would do whatever it took ta stay together. Though, I think Stuart has two locks somewhere from two different girls, so there's that as well."

"Oh."

Paul let go of the lock he had been looking at. He was quite a romantic at heart and he loved the idea of people so in love they leave a lock somewhere special. Maybe a first kiss or where they met. But it seemed they weren't that special after all. Were they just cheap ways guys got into girls pants?

"Sorry," John instantly felt bad for saying anything. "I mean I'm sure most of them are still together. Stuart is just a bit of a dick." He tried to explain.

"Yeah...but... I guess more often than not... I... I mean... they ain't like...in a fairy tale are they? S'just people tryin ta get laid if we're bein realistic."

Paul left the locks and turned to look out at the Mersey, his back to John, hugging himself a bit. Paul always daydreamed about relationships, but if he was honest with himself he would never actually have one. John came up behind him, hesitating for only a moment before wrapping an arm around Paul's waist. It was forward, but it felt like the right thing to do.

"I wouldn't say that. I'm sure there are quite a few of them that feel like they're living a fairy tale life with their partner."

Paul jumped and looked shocked that John was holding him like that, but he didn't move away.

"I bet it's nice."

John smiled, "I'm sure it is."

Paul looked a little down again. He glanced at John, unsure what to do. He carefully rested his head against Johns shoulder. Maybe just for a moment he could just pretend. John felt quite content like that, watching the sun set over the Mersey with Paul. It was crazy to him that less than twelve hours ago he didn't even know Paul existed.

"Paul..." he started softly, sounding a little unsure of what he wanted to say.

Paul looked up at John with those big eyes, not lifting his head off Johns shoulder.

"I really do feel like I've known you for years..." he nearly whispered.

Fuck, he had actual butterflies from this! John had never connected with someone this fast. It almost didn't feel real. Paul just gave a sad smile and looked away. It may feel like that to John, but to Paul it never would. Sure he felt the connection. It was too strong not to.

But Johns ignorance regarding certain, very important aspects of Pauls life was enough to keep Paul from thinking of John as always there.

John took that look to mean Paul disagreed. Maybe he was even uncomfortable with how forward he was being... fuck!

"Ah... its gettin a bit late isn't it? I should get you home..."

Paul looked down at that.

"Y... yeah I... I guess..." he said miserably.

He didn't really want the time with John to end. While he said he'd come around in Saturday, that seemed like forever away. John was having a hard time understanding Paul's mood. He seemed uneasy in general, and John couldn't tell if it was because of him or if it was because of whatever big secret Paul seemed to be keeping.

"Don't sound so miserable," John said softly with a kind smile. "I'll text ya as soon as ya close the door if ya gonna miss me that much." He teased.

Paul looked up and gave a little giggle at that.

"What if the weekend /never/ comes? An I never see ya again?" He joked.

"Hmm.. if ya really worried I /suppose/ I could stay the night." He answered with a very grave and serious expression. "I mean you're right, we could die in our sleep tonight and never get another chance to see each other. We should make the most of this, shouldn't we?"

He was mostly teasing, though a real part of him wouldn't mind staying with Paul, especially if that gave him a chance to explore Paul's room and record collection.

"You might not even be real! I might wake up an ya gone forever!" Paul pretended to look shocked.

John grinned at that.

"How can I prove that I am? Isn't there anything I can do?" His voice was a bit lower, a bit more suggestive at that.

"Well if I really made you up, you'd know all the things I know right?" Paul reasoned.

Despite saying they should go, they hadn't moved from the spot.

"That's true, which I don't, because its driving me crazy quite frankly." John looked him over, "C’mon Paul, tell me your secret. Have ya killed someone? Or done somethin /really/ embarrassing as a child? Or come from a weird family situation that ya don't want people knowin about?"

John was wracking his brain for things that would make sense for Paul to be weird and secretive about.

"Secret? Who said I had a secret? I was thinking like... my full name or my birthday."

Paul looked a bit spooked as John said that and quickly tried to cover it up. John could tell he had crossed a line, and whatever it was Paul just wasn't going to tell him yet. He gave an apologetic smile.

"Ah yes, those work too. Well I do know you're a Gemini so I'm gonna guess... June 2nd?"

Paul shook his head.

"Please don't say ya gonna go through each date one by one."

John laughed at that, "it would buy us more time if I did."

"Thats true. What if I don't tell ya the answer?"

"Then I guess I'll have ta find out some other way…"

"Liiiike...?"

Paul leaned closer watching John expectantly.

"Hmmm.. I dunno. I could just ask you nicely, I suppose. Would you tell me then?" John smiled, feeling the butterflies come back as he looked at Paul.

He was so cute, it was unreal.

"Depends how nicely. How badly do ya wanna know?"

"Its the one thing I want the most in this moment," John said quite seriously. "Are you gonna make me beg? Because I can beg."

He looked just about crazy enough to actually get on his knees and beg for Paul tell him. He didn't care that they were in public and it would look very silly and dramatic. Paul frowned.

"No... no I dont think I want /that/..."

"Well what can I do? What would you like from me in exchange for this information?" John asked with a sly little grin.

"What dya have?"

It was obvious what Paul wanted but he was shy.

John stared at him for a long moment before finally deciding what to do. He very gently lifted Paul's chin, hyper aware of how close they already were, as if they were magnets that couldn't break away. Very slowly, giving Paul a chance to pull away if he wasn't into it, John leaned closer to kiss him. Paul gasped, shocked that John actually did that. He wasn't too sure what to do, never having properly kissed anyone. John kept it very gentle and sweet, testing the water. He pulled back slightly with a giant smile.

"Now will you tell me?"

Paul paused just staring at John. He seemed a little stunned and breathless.

"18th..." he said weakly.

John grinned triumphantly. He leaned in again to press the same gentle kiss on Paul's lips, pulling away again after just a second to ask, "and your full name?"

Paul went weak again. His head was so muddled he was too swept away to resist.

"James Paul..." he said in the same weak voice.

John looked quite pleased with himself. It was almost too fun making Paul weak like that. He moved his hand up to stroke Paul's cheek.

"Well James Paul, born on the 18th of June... I'm happier than I can even put into words that I met you today..."

Paul smiled at john for a bit. He shook himself a bit.

"Hang on, that's not fair! You owe me some information about you now!"

John laughed at that, finding Paul's reaction quite cute.

"Okay okay, what would you like to know?"

"The same should be fine. You also owe me what your hobbies are, since ya know mine."

Paul realised he knew next to nothing about John, except he liked music.

"Mmm yeah alright. John Winston, birthday is the 9th of October. I sing, I write, I draw.. just your basic art student." He said dismissively.

He was much less interested in talking about himself. He wanted to know more about Paul.

"Art student??" Paul looked at him with almost admiration.

"Ah yeah, when I actually go to classes that is. Its not all its cracked up ta be. Too many rules." John shrugged. Paul sensed John didn't really enjoy that subject.

"So... Libra. Should I do one of them compatibility tests?" He joked pulling out his phone.

John grinned again. "If you don't then I'll just check when I get home tonight." He laughed.

Paul giggled and did a quick search. He read through the information making little mmm and oh noises. It was hard to tell from his face if they were good or bad. The anticipation was killing John. After a moment of this he couldn't wait any longer.

"Well? What's it say??"

He sounded just a bit anxious, hoping it wasn't anything too horrible. It was so hard to tell! Paul looked up, his face unreadable.

"Are ya sure ya wanna know?"

"It must be horrible, isn't it? Go on then tell me,"

John looked truly anxious, as if what some random site guessing about their compatibility based on their birthdays said actually made a difference in the connection they were experiencing. Paul held his phone up to read.

"When Gemini and Libra come together in a love affair, they enjoy a great relationship based on intellectual interests and mental agility. Dual-natured Gemini loves Libra’s balance, and Libra is always entertained by the chatty, brainy Twins. Libra loves art and beauty while Gemini loves the beauty of an idea, but these loves aren’t far off from one another. They can come up with all sorts of great ideas when they work together, and Libra has the get-up-and-go needed to put their ideas into action, a quality which Gemini tends to lack. In fact, in the birth of an idea Gemini is better at pontification than direction, but this is a valuable contribution to Libra’s mental process. Gemini is a Mutable Sign and Libra is a Cardinal Sign. Libra likes a position of leadership in a relationship. They most often come up with the date ideas, for example, and flexible Gemini’s happy to go along — as long as it’s okay to change their minds at the last minute. Libra tends to initiate things but has trouble finishing them; Gemini is so adaptable, they won’t mind switching gears on a moment’s notice and moving on to something else if Libra gets bored."

Paul looked back at John to see his reaction. The long and short of it seemed to be they were pretty damn compatible. Almost perfect. John took it in for a moment, letting the grin slowly return to his face.

"I thought as much. We're a perfect match."

It was strange to him, he had never been so forward before with anyone, but Paul was different. Whatever this was... it felt special.

"Yes but people aren't just their astrological sign now, are they?" Paul put his phone away. "What if I have a really annoying habit you just can't stand?" It had gone dark around them.

Paul hadn't really noticed, however he subconsciously wrapped his jacket around himself tighter as it got colder.

"I bet you have a lot of really annoying habits that I'll find adorable and endearing." John noticed him pull his jacket tighter and sighed, "cmon I better start walkin ya home." He again wrapped an arm around Paul's waist, pulling him closer trying to help keep him warm.

"If they're annoying, how could they be adorable or endearing?" Paul asked as they walked. He kept close to John, almost visibly shivering.

"Well its like... say its a decade from now and we're an old married couple, right? I like to sleep in, in fact, I /need/ to if i wanna function at all during the day. I bet you don't, though. I bet ya wake up bright and early every day ta get things off to a good start. So we're married and living together and I'm tryin ta sleep in but your damn alarm wakes me up at 7am every morning. Sure I'd be annoyed, but I'd also think it was really endearing and cute that you have ta wake up so early and get a good start to your daily routine. I'd also find the 'I'm sorry I woke you up again' coffee you'd make for me afterwards very enjoyable." John smiled as if this was the most normal thing in the world to say to someone he just met.

Paul stopped and raised his eyebrows.

"When we're married?"

"Hypothetically." John clarified, but his smile said a different story. He was quite confident that there was something special between him and Paul.

"Ya seem ta have it all planned out already." Paul mumbled, looking away sadly.

Paul knew he could never really get married. He knew that after watching what happened to Mary. And of course, he could never explain to John why. He was going to break his heart.

"Not everything. I just... Im good at knowing what I want." He tried to explain.

"Well sometimes things don't go how you want!" Paul yelled.

He seemed angry, but there were tears in his eyes. He couldn't handle knowing how ahead of himself John had gotten, and knowing he would destroy it all and wouldn't even be able to tell John why. He would never believe him.

"Oh.. shit Paul I'm sorry I.. I'm not tryin ta... look I shouldn't be so forward. I'm sorry if that made ya uncomfortable.." John frowned, not understanding.

Paul had seemed to be on the same page as him, so where had that outburst come from?

"No...ya don't understand! I... I gotta protect ya...I... I can't.... we can't..."

Paul couldn't say it, it hurt his heart to even think it. He tried running past John to get home.

When Paul took off John got truly worried. Something was wrong! And Paul was saying he had to protect him? He couldn't let him run off like that, he had to at least try to stop him.

"Hey, woah! Paul come back!"

John took off after him. Paul wasn't really thinking about being careful and as he ran over a worn dip in the pavement he stumbled and fell to his knees. He couldn't find the energy to get up. He just stayed there, sniffling and not caring if he got funny looks. John was able to catch up to him quickly then. He immediately knelt down to check Paul over.

"Are you hurt??" He looked so worried, horrified at the idea of Paul hurting in any way, whether physical or emotional.

Paul just shook his head. He couldn't look at John. John carefully pulled Paul into a little hug.

"Cmon Paul.. what's all this business about protectin me? You dont have ta worry so much.. if ya don't feel the way I do.. I'll recover. I'm okay with bein friends, you know..."

John couldn't help but think it had to do with that. He simply had no idea what Paul was going through.

"N... no I... I'll hurt ya....I... I like ya f...far too m...much but we... we can't.... I can't.... can't..."

Paul would never be able to be just friends with John.

"Paul.." John spoke softly, lifting Paul's chin to look at him properly. "It's gonna be okay. Whatever this is about... it's okay. We don't have ta move fast. We don't have ta set any kind of expectations for the future. Just relax, yeah? I just wanna spend time with you, as much time as I can while I can, okay?"

"But when the time comes-"

"Then we'll deal with whatever this is about."

John had a sinking feeling, but he wasn't lying. If Paul was terminally ill or something similar, which it was starting to seem like what with how secretive he could be and the vague comments he made now, John still wasn't lying. He wanted to spend as much time with Paul as he could.

"For now, won't you let me take you home?"

"There... there can be no ‘we’ in the matter, don't ya get it? All I can do is leave ya behind an...an just...hurt ya."

Paul fell forward so his forehead rested against Johns shoulder. John's assumption was pretty much solidified by that comment. He hugged Paul tighter, feeling the strangest little ripping in his chest at the very thought.

"Then stay with me now, while you can." He spoke in barely more than a whisper.

Paul just nodded. How could he say no to John now? He understood the situation and he was still wanting to try for a little while. He was willing to have his heart broken to spend a little time with Paul. He knew either way John would lose him. If he didn't pick John he'd have to leave eventually. If he did...Paul swallowed and sat up.

"Alright... alright."

John relaxed a bit at that.

"Did ya hurt your knee?" He looked worried. He had seen Paul fall and wanted to make sure he wasn't too banged up from it before they got up to walk.

Paul gave a little nod. While he was sure he could probably walk on it, there was a nice lump forming. Besides he wanted an excuse to keep hold of John.

"Here, get on my back, I'll carry ya back." John insisted.

He knew he could just let Paul lean on him for support, but he wanted Paul closer. He wanted to show Paul he would carry him through whatever.

"Ya... ys sure?"

Paul knew he wasn't exactly fat, but he was pretty much the same size as John.

John nodded, "of course."

He smiled kindly and shifted so that Paul could easily climb on his back. Paul was unsure but still got himself settled on Johns back.

"Dya know where Forthlin Road is?"

"Yeah actually. That's right near me..."

John sounded a bit shocked again. Paul lived that close to him... and he had never seen him before today? It didn't seem possible. When Paul was settled he started walking. Paul relaxed completely. He didn't usually like others carrying him, self-conscious about his weight, but John was so comfortable.

"Now ya know where I live I suppose there's not a whole lot I can do ta stop ya comin round ey?" He sounded quite happy about that, despite everything.

"Not a chance. And I'm not the kinda guy who waits three days or whatever other nonsense people do these days. I'll be pestering you as soon as possible." He sounded very pleased with himself. He wanted to spend every free moment he had learning more about Paul.

"Well... this will be interesting to say the least." Paul commented.

"I can promise you that much."

John spoke with so much fondness in his voice it was almost even alarming to him.

"That and I have never taken a boy home ta meet dad before." Paul chuckled.

"Is he very strict?" John asked, for once actually sounding a little nervous. His own experiences with parental figures in his life had left him wary of parents.

"I wouldn't say strict. Just... protective."

Paul had a feeling it wouldn't exactly surprise Jim, to bring back a boyfriend. But anyone he brought back would be under a lot of scrutiny until Jim was satisfied they wouldn't hurt Paul.

"I can handle protective."

John could understand that, after all. He felt strong urge to protect Paul himself, so he was sure he'd get along with others who shared that feeling.

"And Mikes younger so he don't get a say in who I see." Paul joked.

John laughed at that. When he spoke again it was in a much softer voice.

"Dya think they'll like me?" More than anything, families made him insecure.

Paul had a little think, wanting to answer truthfully.

"Yeah... I think they will."

John seemed to relax a bit, though he'd been unaware of it he had automatically tensed up when Paul's father was brought up. Paul rested his chin on his arm. He could easily fall asleep like this.... he found he had dozed off a bit, only to be brought back to reality by John asking which number.

"Huh...?" He mumbled as his brain caught up. "Oh... 20... we already here?"

"Unfortunately, yeah..."

John really didn't want to leave Paul now, but he couldn't stay by his side forever really.

"Oh... well now I gotta decide if we should say bye at the door or if I should invite ya to my room."

Paul hated the idea of John leaving.

"Hmm.. dya have classes in the morning? I wouldn't wanna keep ya up, but if you're not doin anything else..."

Paul shook his head.

"Then I'll leave it up ta you," John smiled.

"W....well... would ya?" Paul asked almost shyly.

"I would love to." John said sounding so sure.

The more time he could get with Paul, the better.

"Ya just wanna be nosey ey?" Paul giggled.

When they got to the door, he carefully got off John and let them in.

"Oh, of course." John grinned. "I wanna see how ya keep your room. I bet ya keep it nice and tidy. And i bet... hm.. i bet ya alphabetize all your records and books or movies or whatever else ya got in there."

"I do not!" Paul gasped.

Paul shut the door behind them and yelled a hello to anyone around then led John up to his room. It was neat, but not so tidy. Paul hadn't exactly been expecting company so didn't tidy up. He blushed a bit. John looked very amused when he saw it.

"I guess I'm not always right. That's okay though, we'll get along even better than i thought."

He instantly went to look through Paul's record collection. It was obvious Paul took care of his collection. It was the tidiest thing in the room. On the shelf were various record and record player cleaning items. It seemed to be a little music corner, as Pauls guitar was on its stand near the shelves. His desk had a few scattered guitar picks of various thickness and colour. His favourite was stuck in the strings of his guitar. His desk was a whole other story. It was a creative mess. Not one thought was ordered, scraps of paper with drawing practise were laying mixed in with his actual collage work and some lyrics. A few of Pauls favourite lyrics that he wanted to really work on were pinned to a cork board above the desk. There seemed to be some kind of order there, with lyrics on the left side of the board while college notes were on the right. Other than that it was an ordinary room, a shelf of books and dvds, his laptop on his bed. A wardrobe with a few posters on, showing Paul did enjoy modern bands too. He had a muse tour poster, one for the American idiot musical, a small Elvis tribute act with a little signature in the corner and a clearly vintage Elvis poster in a frame on the wall. On top of some draws were various family pictures. It was a small room but had so much of Pauls character packed in. John took his time looking at everything. He didn't speak as he did, just silently walked through observing everything he could. The room told him so much about Paul and he wanted to learn everything he possibly could. Paul took his shoes and jacket off then sat on his bed.

"Well? Now ya here... did ya have any idea what ya would do once ya did?"

"I had a few," John looked over with a wicked grin. "But tonight I wanna keep things simple." He finished flipping through Paul's stack of books and finally went to sit on his bed. "When did you first start collecting records?"

John went right back to asking questions. He couldn't help himself. He just wanted to know everything. Even the things that might seem boring to others.

"Um... when I was about 11/12. Mum showed me a record she had and I liked it so much she said I could keep it. We used ta go record shoppin."

"Which record was it?"

John was very interested in that. His own mother was the one who got him into records as well. Paul stood up and went to the shelf. He flicked through until he found it. He carefully pulled out a best of Buddy Holly and handed it to John.

"She said she remembered Grandma playing it when she was younger. Probably not this exact record but... yknow."

"Ahhh Buddy Holly.." John smiled appreciatively as he looked it over. "So you've always had good taste then."

Paul blushed a bit. "W...well thanks ta her. Left ta dad it'd be jazz an brass bands."

"I'm sure she's quite proud of the collection you've got now."

Paul suddenly went quiet and turned his back to John, finding something to distract himself instead of responding to the comment. John wasn't too sure, but it did seem a bit odd. He moved so he could hug Paul from behind, resting his chin on Paul's shoulder.

"Paul... I want your whole life story. From the very beginning.. from your first memories.. tell me everything that led to you being this person, with those posters and those books... tell me about your favourite films and your favourite place to play as a child. I wanna know everything."

Paul quickly wiped his eyes.

"Well I... I can't remember /everythin/..." he mumbled.

"That's okay. Just tell me everything you do remember."

John wasn't stupid. He could tell something was a bit off after the comment he had made. He could only assume the worst.

"W...well I dunno where ta start... a lot of it is... borin growin up stuff yknow."

"I don't think I'll find any of it boring," John said with a smile.

"I can't think of anythin you'd really wanna know." Paul shrugged. "What I went ta school, rode a bike, hung out with friends?"

"Mmm.. tell me about your friends? Maybe favourite childhood memory?"

As John spoke he laid back on Paul's bed, making himself at home. He wanted to get a feel for Paul's life, see what he saw every night before bed.

"Oh... well I dunno... I mean I never had any like... really close friends. Coz we move around so much yknow? An kids ain't great at keepin in touch..." Paul paused for a moment. "Well... for a few years I did but... moved again so we fell outta touch." Paul found he never had problems making friends. But he did have difficulty keeping them. Mostly because he got secretive, hid away a lot and disappeared for months on end. Most of them just moved on. "Best childhood memory? Well... usually when we managed to go to a beach. Formby was the best but we would sometimes travel to New Brighton or Blackpool."

There it was again, a sudden fondness for water, specifically the sea. Which didn't add up to how he behaved around water.

"Huh, I was kind of under the impression ya didn't like water. Ya seemed so skiddish at the docks..."

John wondered briefly if something had happened during one of those beach days that traumatized Paul. That could explain the love and hate relationship with water he seemed to have.

"O...oh well.... the... the beach has other stuff yknow... playin in the sand an most have...the arcades..." Paul couldn't look at John. Instead he sat at his desk. "Anyway there was a reason you asked to know everythin. You wanna know somethin specific but ya don't wanna ask outright."

Paul raised an eyebrow. He had seen the behaviour before. He knew he could get funny when Mary was mentioned and people were so worried about upsetting him they would ask sort of vague questions in the hope he'd tell them. But Paul was careful with how he answered, only letting them know what he wanted them to. Sure if they asked he'd answer, but how much information he divulged would depend on how much he trusted them

"Actually I do just wanna know everything," John smiled. "But I am curious about somethin, yeah.. your mum.. she isn't around anymore is she?" He asked, his voice a bit softer now, sympathetic.

Really all the signs were there, the way Paul only talked about John meeting his father and brother, how he had said they used to go record shopping as a past tense. They were subtle clues but John was more attentive than most. Paul sighed and just shook his head. At least John made it a bit easier to answer, rather than the usual 'so what happened to your mum?' John didn't know what to say, so he just went to hug Paul again from behind, a bit tighter this time.

"Mine isn't either.." his voice was barely a whisper.

John just wanted Paul to see he understood, that /this/ was something he didn't have to feel alone in. He had lost his mother just a few short years ago, and he knew the pain all too well. Paul looked at John for a moment before turning to face him and just letting himself cry, hugging John just as tightly. He understood. He wouldn't expect Paul to be brave or tell him crying was childish. John held him tight, letting him cry. He had a horrible feeling that Paul had never been able to properly cry or show anyone how he felt about this. After a while, Paul pulled away wiping his face.

"S...sorry..."

"Ya don't have ta be sorry for anything." John said with a sad smile.

Johns own eyes were a bit puffy, as he had cried a bit as well. He was bad about Julia, he had never really processed it properly either. Without thinking, Paul gently wiped Johns eyes. It felt so good just to be able to grieve. He missed Mary so much, much more that the others just couldn't understand. Sure they missed her, but sometimes it physically hurt Paul to think she wasn't there. His future was so uncertain, there would be problems only she could help with. Paul bit his lip, looking at John carefully.

"I...do...are ya gonna...go home soon?"

It hurt less with John around. He felt so safe around him.

"I'll do whatever ya want me to. I'll stay however long you'll have me."

John closed his eyes at the feeling of Paul's hand on his face, leaning into the touch a bit.

"I just..."

Paul looked away. He felt so silly feeling like he did... he just met John a few hours ago.

"What is it?" John asked softly. "You can tell me.."

John couldn't deny their connection was quite odd, and it was all so sudden.. he didn't want to overcrowd Paul. He was worried that he might be, if the intensity was more one sided and Paul was just too kind and soft to push him away. Paul had a light blush across his cheeks.

"Ya just... make me feel... safe." He mumbled.

John's answering smile was so bright and pleased, the insecurity that had been bubbling up completely washed away.

"Good. I wanna make you feel safe."

Paul gave John a sad smile. He knew it couldn't be forever and one day, maybe soon, he'd lose that safety. Either way he couldn't resist cuddling back up, hiding his face in the crook of Johns neck. The only thing that made him pull back was the need to be a good host.

“Are ya hungry at all?" He asked. "Dya need anythin ta drink?"

He had no idea how long John did intend to stay. He wasn't sure if he would find it weird, staying the night, so he wasn't entirely sure how much to offer. Would he want to borrow pyjamas?

"I'm alright for now."

John was perfectly content just cuddling with Paul for the moment. He did hope that Paul might let him stay. He felt like he could stay with Paul forever and never get tired of him.

"W... well...dya wanna get more comfortable?"

Paul seemed a tiny bit bolder in his own room, but was still rather nervous about asking John these things. He didn't want to push it.

"I could go for that."

John was trying to take everything at Paul's pace and not be so bold now that he was in Paul's space. He didn't want to make a nuisance of himself. Paul moved off John then looked a little lost. He wasn't sure what to do now. They were clearly moving forward, getting closer, but Paul had never been in this situation.

"Here, why don't we put on a record?"

John suggested, thinking ahead a bit. There would be less pressure on Paul to say or do anything if he could just relax to music.

"Sure... what dya fancy?" Paul relaxed a little as he went over to the shelf.

"Maybe some Elvis?"

As John spoke he took his shoes and jacket off and settled in on the bed, leaving room for Paul to join him to cuddle. Paul nodded and put on a best of collection. Once playing at a nice low volume, he turned back to John. He carefully climbed onto the bed. Because it was a single he was practically on John, cuddling up. Outside it had gone dark and rain had started to fall. It was so cosy, Paul found himself quickly relaxing into Johns arms. John tried to make sure Paul was as cosy as possible before properly relaxing himself. He ran his hand along Paul's arm and back, stroking gently. The moment felt so perfect and surreal, he never wanted it to end.

"So um... this... this is pretty... not normal... for two guys who just met right? So... so what...uh...what...do we...what did ya... ya want...?"

Paul wasn't sure what John expected. He didn't know what was acceptable and what crossed a line.

"Well, to be honest I've kinda thrown normal out the window for this. I've never had a connection like this with someone before so.. I don't really know what ta do. But... obviously if anything I do makes ya uncomfortable... you can tell me yeah? Or if ya just get tired of me bein in your bed.." John smiled, "otherwise I'd just say do what feels right. I don't have any expectations, Paul. I'm just thrilled to be here with you."

Paul nodded a bit, but he was a little giddy after all this.

"So.... so you... ya my... friend? Nap buddy?.... body pillow?" He joked.

Maybe labels didn't really matter, but they did help set boundaries for Paul who was new to all this. John grinned a bit at that.

"Hmmm.. well I'm not big on labels, really.. but I was hoping for something a bit more than friend.." he mused.

John in as he spoke to gently run his nose along Paul's jawline, leaving a little kiss on his neck. Paul gasped a bit at what John was doing.

"I... I just...I don't know how ta... ta..."

Whenever John got near to his ear, specifically behind it, he would gasp louder and pull away. It almost looked like he was ticklish there. John had to bite his lip to hide the huge grin from that reaction. There were more serious things being discussed right now, though he did file that information away for later use.

"Have ya never dated someone before?" He asked, his tone gentle and understanding.

Paul shook his head.

"Like I was saying earlier... it could never be for long so... so I never bothered."

"Well... Paul... if you'll have me, I'd like to be with you for as long as you want me."

John's heart ached at the knowledge that that might not be long, but it only made him hold Paul a little tighter.

"I just... you'll be hurt. An... an ya ain't gonna understand why... I just... I can't say..."

Paul was so worried about this. He had no doubt Jim would make him leave when he had to, and eventually he would spend less and less time in Liverpool. Jim wouldn't let Paul do what Mary did. And even if he did, John would have to watch him die, like Jim had to watch Mary die. Knowing it was because she chose him, he was the reason, Paul saw it tear his dad up. How could he do that to someone he loved? Paul froze. Loved? He looked up at John and felt the flutter. Oh fuck...

"I know... you don't have ta tell me why, Paul. But like I said, I want this. I can't leave now knowin you exist and live in a world where I can't hold you, at least for now. I'm very...taken with you. And I want you for as long as I can have you... and the rest... I'll deal with it when its time. But that's on me, that's my choice yeah? So let me choose this."

"What if... hypothetically... ya... ya were the..." Paul sighed. He couldn't lay that on John just yet. "Nevermind. Ya right. It is your choice. An I suppose ya not gonna be that easy to deter right?" Paul gave a little smile.

John grinned, "ya got that right. The only thing that you could say ta make me leave ya alone is that you don't want me. So.. if ya ever change your mind.. I won't bother ya forever. But as for right now I happen to think you want me around just as much as I wanna be here. So lets steer into the skid and just live a little."