#model diary

“Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right.”

As an over thinker, I worry a lot. Whenever an opportunity comes, I have the desire to grab it, but because I worry too much - what if things go wrong, what if I regret it, etc., I end up not taking the chance anymore. So this year, I promised to change that habit of mine and just take some risks I feel or I know in my heart are worth taking.

At the Mossimo auditions, I was on my neutral energy and I came to the venue without expectations. I just said to myself - I’m grabbing this opportunity and come what may.

It was fun. It composed of 4 segments - runway in a black dress, a posing challenge, runway in swimwear and Q&A. The posing challenge was the most interesting, personally. We were asked to pose with a random object as props. The judges wanted me to grab a chair and create 3 poses with it. I was glad they said they were impressed and that they feel that I’m ready for this. During the whole audition process, the judges gave really good feedback. Deep inside I honestly hoped that I would get in the semi-finals but I have not heard back from them.

The Philippines' Next Top Model audition was something I was very excited to join because I have looked up to Tyra Banks and I used to watch episodes of America's Next Top Model, took note of Tyra's words of wisdom and hopelessly wished that one day I could join the competition.

A week before the audition, I prepared so much and I prayed harder than ever. On the day of the audition, I came very early. Applicants were asked to fill up a form (which I thought was useless in the beginning of the audition because when the aspirants made it to the first cut, the judges didn't bother reading what was written - our interests, background, experience, etc.

It happened so fast. The first part was a runway segment, then the interview (that’s if you have made it to the first part. The judges will just look at your physical appearance and the way you walk). If they like you during the interview process, as what I have observed, one of the judges will laugh with you and take pictures of you from his phone. I was nervous as hell! This was really a step closer to my dreams. It’s a really big dream since I was a kid. I wanted it so bad. No matter how I tried to calm myself down, I just couldn't contain my excitement. We were divided into groups of 5 and each of us had to walk and pose on the stage. I was the first one to walk! Before I took a step on the platform, I consistently prayed and I could feel how cold my hands were and my feet was already numb!

I made it on the first cut! My heart was beating faster as they called me to go up on the platform, where the judges were staying so they could interview me. When I stepped on the podium, I said hi to them and smiled. Only 3 out of 5 were at least polite and had the decency to at least listen to my answers. I get it, they don’t find me interesting by the looks of it, I respect that, but the least they could have done was listen. Towards the end of the interview, I was asked a simple question but it was really hard to answer in just simple words or short sentences, especially for someone who has an unquiet mind like mine. I was overwhelmed with the situation and the thought of wanting it so bad just got to me, I was too honest I blurted out that I was glad they noticed because, this is my dream. Now that was the big mistake! In the back of my mind I said, “Oh no, you missed your chance, Chennie!!!”

NEVER say “it’s a dream” or “it’s a dream come true” because to them, you’ll just be another common candidate, they’ll find it cliche, no matter how genuine it is for you. Even if I mentioned I have a different approach or perspective in modeling and how I appreciate it, they don’t seem to like it. They’re looking for answers that are I don’t know, intriguing?? I’m left to question but only those people can answer.

Sigh. Right then and there, I knew I didn’t make it even if I was told they will just contact me. I am not stupid to not get the signs or non-verbal cues. Of course, I was observing everything. After the audition, I broke down. I cried, I sobbed outside the audition area in my boyfriend’s arms. I was so disappointed with myself because I ruined my chance just because of the excitement and nervousness overwhelming me.

Later that night, I reflected on what happened. I went back to every detail. They say that “truth hurts”. Yes, it did, it hit me hard. I realised that a part of me was motivated because I thought of giving a sweet revenge to those who betrayed me and have pulled me down, that should not be part of it. It should just be for myself and ultimately for my dream. Since I was bullied as a kid, there’s always a desire in me to try to please people. Also, even if I was myself, I learned that I must not be too honest when answering questions for reality TV auditions, no matter how good and genuine my intention would be, because they will not understand or appreciate the answer, that’s the sad truth. I also learned that for auditions like this, people are really looking for really intriguing characters and personality, something that they think would emotionally affect the audience. I don’t know. Honestly, this defeats the purpose of really looking for someone who has the potential or talent and attitude to make it. Sigh. So, you cannot be too serious when answering their questions. You have to be yourself but don’t take things seriously. And I guess no matter how awkward things may get, you just have to be interesting to the eyes of these people (but of course without ruining your dignity).

This was not the case back in 2009 when I auditioned for Ford Models’ Supermodel of the World Philippines. They were really keen in looking for someone who really had the talent and they even molded us in our craft.

I guess I just now have to learn from those experiences and take those with me for the next opportunity. I am honestly close to giving up this dream. But I’m inspired by Pia Wurtzbach’s story before she finally reached her dream. If she can do it, I’m sure I can as well, right? :’)

“Nothing worth having comes easy.”

Joe Ingham | Photo Daily | Model Diary

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Instagram – @joeingham1992

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  #theswan @richcolerich

A post shared by Little Joe (@joeingham1992) on Aug 14, 2016 at 6:31am PDT

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Instagram – @harinef Twitter – @harinef Facebook – facebook.com/harinef

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