Mario Kart is a pretty big deal. Quite possibly the biggest deal. Perhaps even bigger than Jesus? Now let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Mario hasn't even been crucified yet! But all I'm saying is that Jesus only had one extra life, but Mario can have as many as he wants as long as he eats enough Mush Rooms. It's really only a matter of time. Jesus better sleep with one eye open.
Either way, we have clearly crossed a threshold where "Mario Kart" is a viable ecological niche, and that means it's time to bring on the Creatures that fill it!
We all know traffic cone, the concept of which was first invented in Mario Kart Wii back in 2008. This invasive species of freshwater clam can be found on Daisy Circuit, and would gradually spread out to more and more courses over the next few games, bringing new variants with it. Like Ice Cream Cone from Sweet Sweet Canyon!
Would you eat?
But for the most part, between Mario Kart Wii and Mario Kart Tour, traffic cones didn't change too much. They became less punishing to your momentum, but beyond that retained a pretty consistent red-and-white striped design. For major innovations in traffic cone technology, we'd need a newer, more powerful console that could handle such a thing. With the dawn of the Nintendo Switch 2, it's clear that such innovations were more-or-less an inevitability.
And with Mario Kart World, we finally got that innovation: the debut of Hermity Cone! Under each and every traffic cone in the game can be a Li'l Creature, and that's wonderful. And the best part? Said creature is ostensibly a crab! Or at least, a different species of crustacean that evolved into a crablike form that isn't even very crablike at all. Hermity Cone is a perfect example of carcinization in action!
But what are the gameplay ramifications of adding a brand new animal to the world...?
Not a whole awful lot, really! They serve the exact same function as traffic cones in previous games, and you can plow through them just as easily. In fact, there's even a mission in the game that encourages you to! Now it may seem rude to mercilessly plow through a horde of wild animals, but consider:
Hermity Cone sticker.
Really though, the main gameplay ramification of Hermity Cone is that sometimes, when you look at a traffic cone, you will see a little freak pop out and be delighted. And I think we can all agree that's Good Game Design! Sorry, Chunky Kong! This post is not for you! Get outta here!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
β Live Streamingβ Interactive Chatβ Private Showsβ HD Qualityβ Free Actions
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
Look. As your Weird Mario Worlds Tour Guide, I need to intervene here: you can NOT be planning a vacation to Lethal Lava Land. I mean, it literally has "Lethal" in the name! There are plenty of better lands you can visit. Shifting Sand Land, that's a good one. Yoshi's Is-Land, that's a lovely place. Anywhere would be better than Lethal Lava Land.
I mean shoot, I tried to bring a postcard from this place, but when I went back to look at it, it was just a pile of ash! A pile of ash much larger than the postcard itself, mind you. I'm a little concerned with how it produced that much ash, but it should be a good indicator of just how hot Lethal Lava Land is!
...What? You're still insisting you want to check out Lethal Lava Land. Well, it's your funeral. That's what it said on the postcard! "Don't Come to Lethal Lava Land! It's Your Funeral!"
Well. I suppose I have a job to do then. Gotta put imaginary bread on the table for my imaginary wife and imaginary kids. (The table itself is very real.)
You might be looking for positives if you're so insistent on taking a vacation to Lethal Lava Land, but there really isn't any. Not even the local populace is friendly! It's mostly Bullies. They're gonna try to steal your lunch money and push you into the lava. Oh right, most of Lethal Lava Land is lava. You might've inferred that from the fact it's called Lethal Lava Land.
If you don't like being Bullied, then I guess you can stop by and visit Mr. I. I'm sure he's trying to look out for you by blowing bubbles to cool you off, but make no mistake: those bubbles HURT. There is no reprieve in Lethal Lava Land. Even the bubbles are deadly. The bubbles!
As far as local attractions go, you do have the world's most heat-resistant log, which I guess is something. It's kind of impressive. Usually wood gets used as kindling, so it's impressive there's one completely in tact in a place that's so Lava it's Lethal. So impressive, I'm not buying it. It's probably plexiglass or something.
What else? There's this drawbridge. I'm not really sure why it's here. There's not a ton of boats sailing on the lava on account of it's lava. I don't think there's anything to gain by putting a drawbridge here. It really just exists to inconvenience you unless you're some kinda super talented shell surfer. But don't overestimate your ability lest you end up taking a swim in the world's deadliest hot tub.
As far as entertainment goes, there's really just this slide puzzle. I guess that's pretty cool if you like slide puzzles, but I must warn you: this puzzle is really big, constantly shuffling itself, and also depicting local Bad Guy King Morton Bowser Koopa Sr., so putting any effort into solving it is probably a bad idea.
Most you can do is sit by and try to watch it solve itself. Which to be fair... is kinda entertaining in its own way, but knowing how things are these days there's probably someone livestreaming it 24/7.
As far as natural wonders go, you have the inside of the volcano, but when I have to list "going inside an active volcano" as a point in favor of a vacation destination, it may as well be a lost cause.
I mean look at the evil fucking painting you have to step through to even reach Lethal Lava Land! Is this something you hang up when you want to welcome people to your home?!
I'm sorry, but I don't think there's any reason you should go to Lethal Lava Land. All you'll find if you do make the trip is a pool of lava filled with random assets the developers made and had nowhere else to put. I guess it's a kind of place you don't get to see much anymore, since these days people are concerned with "level design" and "realism"...
I guess that's one point for Lethal Lava Land. You're not really gonna find anywhere else like it. But when the place in question is Lethal Lava Land... maybe it's a good thing you won't find this anywhere else.
Stumblebot might be one of the coolest WarioWare microgames ever. I know that functionally it's not any different from any other microgame in WarioWare: Twisted!/WarioWare Gold, but every time I play it I'm still kind of amazed. What do you MEAN rotating my game console changes the gravity of this world? That can't be right. There has to be some sort of sorcery involved. Magic is real, and it's being used to make WarioWare microgames. (Which is the ideal use case, I'm pretty sure.)
Even if Stumblebot wasn't a technically impressive microgame, I wouldn't care, because in the WarioWare Gold version, you play as this thing! We've sung the praises of "eyes in a black void face" many times here on WeirdMarioEnemies, but it bears repeating: Ya Hoo! I Love Eyes In A Black Void Face Forever! Yay Yay Yippee! Woooo!
And it doesn't just end there! The light blue hood is a fantastic choice of color, and the way it's stylized, deliberate or not, brings to mind the Flatwoods Monster, one of many Rare West Virginia Ws.
Of course, that's just the WarioWare Gold version of this microgame, because you didn't always play as this Stumblebot.
In the original version of this microgame from WarioWare: Twisted!, you play as this iteration of Stumblebot instead, which is much more clearly "robot", and also much more clearly generic!
While I'm rarely ever disappointed to see a cartoon robot in any context (even a tremendously mid one like FΓΊtbot), this Stumblebot character design doesn't leave much of an impression. You can buy twelve of these plain boxy robots for a nickel at your local Best Buy. Not much to talk about here.
(Of course, functionally, the microgame is still cool as hell. Arguably more so, since it's on less impressive hardware, and it's a full-fledged boss microgame in this one!)
In WarioWare Gold, this microgame got a major aesthetic overhaul, which I think we can all agree was for the better! Well, maybe one of you disagrees. Who am I to disagree with the fact you're disagreeing?
But as for me, the sunset color palette, rainy background, and of course, titular Stumblebot all give this microgame a very striking visual identity! I mean seriously, look at that robot. Did somebody say "transition goals"?
"I did" - Stumblebot
Oh cr*p! It's Stumblebot herself! Stumblebot, I am so honored to meet you...! Gosh, I don't know what to say! You're such a transgender icon!
Oh, I should probably provide some context for that. Because not only did Stumblebot get a redesign between games, but she also Transitioned! Compare the microgame's description from Twisted...
"Don't fall, Stumblebot! Change the direction of gravity to ensure that he doesn't!"
...to its description from Gold!
"The walking spell I cast on my doll will stop working if she falls over. Alter the direction of gravity to keep her upright."
Look at that pronoun shift! No longer is Stumblebot a run-of-the-mill generic Stumble Guy, now she is a boundary breaking Stumble Gal! We don't have to ask, because we know for a fact: estrogen saved her.
Of course, there's probably someone really obnoxious, hopefully someone who isn't reading this post, who's thinking "Uhhh, are you sure that's the same Stumblebot? The WarioWare Gold description clearly emphasizes that's an enchanted doll."
And to that I have a simple retort:
Yeah no shit she's a doll what do you think the whole last part of the post was about
Name: World 7-3
Debut: Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels
β οΈ WEATHER ADVISORY WARNING β οΈ
Our forecasters have reported winds of "strong enough to move a human person" miles per hour across the Mushroom Kingdom. Officials have advised citizens to stay inside in a room without any glass windows, secure any outdoor objects, and do NOT do any precarious platforming challenges. We repeat: do NOT do any precarious platforming challenges under these conditions! These winds have been reported in...
I'm sorry, what's the name of the place we've seen these winds in again? Can we get like, a postcard from there or something?
Oh wow! Those platforming challenges look very precarious! Glad no one has to be there right... hold on, I'm getting a call.
Hello? You're on a quest to save the princess? This is a mandatory part of your journey? No getting around it? Strict time limit? I see. Well, you'll be remembered. Bye!
Recently I have been playing Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels, you know, the game Howard Lincoln took one look at and said "No."
And you know, he makes a good point! This game has its reputation for a reason. The reason being "this game has some serious problems". If you want a good picture of my mental state playing this game, all I'll say is that I nicknamed this trio of Koopa Troopas in 4-4 "TV Tropes".
But you know, while playing through it, I've grown to appreciate this game in a new light. Granted, my time with The Lost Levels has been far from an authentic experience. I'm playing it via Super Mario Bros. Remastered, with back-scrolling enabled, timers turned off, mandatory hidden blocks being made visible, and game overs sending you to the start of the level rather than the start of the world. So you know. The Lost Levels doesn't suck so bad when it doesn't suck so bad. Who could've guessed?
But through playing it, I've grown to really like the feeling of playing through a challenging level, slowly becoming aware of all its tricks, and gradually improving until you get the satisfaction of the clear. Don't get me wrong, it sucks when the game forces you to nail three Paratroopa jumps in a row while wind throws off your jump trajectory, but that just makes it feel all the better when you pull it off.
Then there's the levels that aren't really testing any sort of skill whatsoever. The levels that are just some stupid bullshit made by the devs for a laugh. 7-3 is one such level.
The main gimmick of this level is Super Springs, aka spring, but green version. Unlike normal Springs, these launch you really high, like "way up off the screen" high, meaning you basically only have the position of the screen scroll to tell where you are. These appear a few times prior to this level, but 7-3 basically consists entirely of small platforms with a single Super Spring on them, forcing you to jump from one spring to the next. I mean, there's technically other platforms but like...
Are those Piranha Plants really getting a bite out of you? Probably not! The Super Spring effect lasts so long that they're probably gonna be malnourished forever. Maybe you should offer them a bite, just to be nice. No, there is not a Piranha Plant typing away at a keyboard and furiously licking her lips as she said that and I don't know why you'd think otherwise.
Given basically everything but the springs in this level is completely irrelevant, the game needs some sort of obstacle to trip you up, and that's where the wind comes in to play. Wait, have we talked about wind on the blog yet? We should do that.
Name: Wind
Debut: Well if I said the concept of "wind" came from Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels I would look like a fool huh
it makes your jumps harder to time
that's it really
Given how small basically every platform in this level is, the wind can mess up the precision needed to get from one spring to the next, but it's not all bad! The wind carries you to the right side of the screen, allowing you to get more distance out of the Super Springs! Without it, you might have to actually do some of the platforming challenges. Shudder! I hate to think of such a thought.
And that's about it for 7-3! There's some firebars at the end, but for the most part it's just wind and springs and not a whole lot else. A really ridiculous and really stupid level, but maybe one of my favorites for exactly that reason.
Anyway what if they put it in the game again
It's the exact same level, but with Lakitu now. That's it! I don't really know how much of a difference they make, since you're gonna be above them most of the time anyway. They don't even spawn in the back half of the level.
Maybe he's not trying to be an obstacle. Maybe he's just here to feed the Piranha Plants. The "C" in "C-3" is for "Chow Time!"
Man, it's been a long time since I've written a post on an irrelevant Splatoon musician, huh? The last one was what, Keaton back in 2021? And that was for an April Fools event! He didn't even have a localized name back then! Now, nearly all the minor musicians have localized names, and we have a whole entire Splatoon 3 as well!
Splatoon 3 was an exciting prospect for us Irrelevant Splatoon Musicians Fans. Everyone was wondering what it would do to shake up the metagame. Would they finally nerf Wet Floor? Would Chirpy Chips remain a dominant top-tier? And what would become of my beloved Ink Theory...?
With an entire update cycle having come and gone, we have answers to all these questions! "Into the ground and then some," "more than ever," and "they're back in Ska Form".
Meet Yoko & the Gold Bazookas, my favorite new band in Splatoon 3! Pretty easy to get that title when you contain half my favorite band from Splatoon 2, but the new developments are just as if not more exciting. A blue-ringed Octoling? Our first non-Inkling squid character? A tall goth girl? All wonderful new additions to the Splatoon canon!
I honestly really wanted to write a post on all of them, but a seven-in-one combo pack post isn't really something I can afford in this economy, so we're just gonna have to settle for a post on Tosh, okay?
Tosh is the band's baritone saxophonist, and right out of the gate makes a strong first impression with their character design. I am easily won over by glasses so thick they obscure your eyes, but glasses just translucent enough to reveal a complete lack of eyes? We're only just starting and we already have a 10/10 character design!
The big floppy hat... the flannel shirt... the fact their entire body is seemingly made from thin appendages arranged in a vaguely humanoid shape... The moment I saw this character design, I instantly fell in love. And I mean that literally. I want to both look like this and date someone who looks like this. I'm Tosh4Tosh!
But for a long time, the character design was all we had! We didn't even have a name for this character until over half a year later, and it took about a year after that to learn anything about them! Hell, fans couldn't even figure out what species they were supposed to be! Lots of people thought they were a blue button, but I wasn't convinced. Not with a mouth THAT echinoidean.
Thankfully the release of BancalaWalker last year gave us confirmation that Tosh is supposed to be a flower urchin! That explains why they look so urchinlike without having any visible spines! This also puts the total percentage of sea urchins on the Gold Bazookas at 42.85%, the highest in Splatoon history, possibly explaining why come they're so awesome.
But what else did we learn about Tosh...? I had been fawning over this character for the past year and a half, but barely knew anything about my celebrity crush! Could they have dark secrets that would leave my dreams celebrity crushed?
Only one way to find out. Thankfully, we live in an age where we actually get fan translations of Splatoon art books in a timely fashion rather than having to rely on blurry screenshots posted online thanks to people like @rassicas and the fine team at splatoonlore.ink, so we can hear straight from the source...
"A baritone saxophonist whose activities are based overseas. In the brass band they joined in middle school, they lost a game of rock-paper-scissors and got saddled with playing the baritone saxophone no one else chose. However, they now have no intention of playing anything else. When a funny story is told, they laugh for such a long stretch of time that they're frequently witnessed laughing all on their own."
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
β Live Streamingβ Interactive Chatβ Private Showsβ HD Qualityβ Free Actions
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
Name: Hot-Hot Rock
Debut: Super Mario Bros. Wonder
You know something I love about the Mario series? Its tendency to use reduplication to put emphasis on certain words. You thought your average everyday mountain was tall? Well this is a Tall Tall Mountain. You've never seen docks quite this dire before! And it's not even just adjectives that get in on the fun! Rock Rock Mountain, Ice Ice Outpost, I love that something can be more "rock" or "ice" than something else. Sometimes a word is so nice, you just wanna say it twice twice.
Hot-Hot Rocks are one of the latest additions to this long-running Mario trend, and also one of our latest Cubic Companions! You know, Blocks are very important to the Mario franchise, but how many enemies can you think of that are blocks...? The answer should be a lot. This was a Mod Hooligon Trick and you may or may not have fallen for it. I can't tell unless you tell me, alright?
Hot-Hot Rocks first appear in the level Hot-Hot Hot! (this is an example of a linguistic phenomenon known as "threeduplication"), where they serve as one of the primary obstacles. As long as Hot-Hot Rocks are Not-Hot, you can stand on them like any other platform. But when they start glowing red, you better get out of the kitchen, because Mario and friends can't stand the heat!
Of course, a little water is all it takes to turn Hot-Hot Rocks into Not-Hot Rocks for good, so spray them with Elephant Mario's trunk or a precariously placed pot of water, and they won't be able to hurt you anymore!
Hot-Hot Rocks have a symbiotic relationship with another new enemy called Kerpop, which will probably get its own post someday, likely courtesy of Mod Chikako. These guys act like Goombas most of the time, but when they touch a hot Hot-Hot Rock, they will pop and begin jumping around! How cute! This attention to detail is what makes Super Mario Bros. Wonder truly special.
That's about all there is to Hot-Hot Rocks, but we're not quite done yet, because this post is about to get all philisolophical(sic)! Because as Weird Mario Enemies, an important part of that title-we-love-to-defy-and-love-bringing-up-how-much-we-love-to-defy-it is knowing what an "enemy" is to begin with. And so we must ask ourselves: what is an enemy? What separates an enemy from an obstacle? And is there even a meaningful difference...?
I can't say I can give you an answer. But I can give you a bunch of thought exercises under the cut! You like those, right?
You do like those! Thanks for looking under the cut, I really appreciate it.
So if we want to have a discussion of what counts as an "enemy" in the context of a video game, we should probably have a rough definition of what we think an "enemy" is in the first place. It's tough to look for edge cases of something that doesn't have any edges.
I personally think a good starting definition is along the lines of "a character designed with the intent of hurting the player," or something roughly like that. And now that we have a definition, we can scrutinize the hell out of it!
On the left we have Thwomp. Thwomp is a classic Mario Enemy. The kind you'd see featured on @regularmarioenemies. We invite Thwomp over for dinner every Sunday, and Thwomp always smashes the dinner table because that's just what Thwomp does. On the right we have Karamenbo. Karamenbo does the exact same thing that Thwomp does, but it doesn't have a face! And despite the fact they act the exact same way, this simple design difference leads to most people considering Thwomp an "enemy" and Karamenbo an "obstacle"!
Is the difference between an enemy and an obstacle really something so simple as having a face? And if so...
What do we make of Lava Bubble, another Classic Mario Enemy that only sometimes has a face? Are they only an enemy when they have a face? Or are they allowed to always be enemies in spite of their occasional facelessness? Or alternatively, are they prohibited from being enemies despite their occasional befacedness? I don't know, and my "the fact I am writing for this blog" tells me I should probably be an expert in this field!
And what about Moonsnake? What could easily be dismissed as a simple obstacle like a Spike Bar is revealed by in-game text to be a living creature! Does this allow it to be classified as an enemy instead? Does something become an enemy just because there's text saying it's alive? Do ghosts and robots count as alive? Is a thorny flower an enemy instead of an obstacle, or does the specific choice of the word "creature" make a meaningful distinction here?
What if I told you there's official text calling Karamenbo a type of Thwomp, does that change your perception of it?
And we haven't even started touching on the idea of whether or not enemies need to hurt you. Let me ask you an important question...
Are Hoppos enemies? They can not hurt you. Whenever you touch them, you just bounce off, and sure, you might be bounced into something that can hurt you, but Hoppo is just an animal. Is it really Hoppo's fault? Could Hoppo be charged with manslaughter for bouncing Mario into a bottomless pit? Are bottomless pits a type of enemy?
Flomps, Bomps, these can not hurt you directly, but they can cause you to get hurt! And they're relatives of Thwomp, too! Do these factors matter in defining them as an enemy? Bomps act basically the same as the Push-Blocks from Super Mario Odyssey, and the wiki classifies those as mere platforms!
Is mayonnaise an enemy? I don't even know anymore!
Basically, enemies are a subclass of obstacle but there's not really a meaningful distinction that separates them. Literally the only thing that separates an enemy from an obstacle is the Vibes. Nothing else matters! Sorry! But what does that mean for our blog...?
Absolutely nothing! As I've said multiple times, we stopped caring about that distinction ages ago. We're hardly even a Mario blog anymore! I just wanted to subject you to my ramblings because I've had this in the back of my mind for a while now and well I had to say it somewhere.
And since I subjected you to several paragraphs of ramblings that amount to basically nothing... am I an enemy...?
That's right I'm making an excuse to talk about Deluxe Hot Dog. From Picross 3D Round 2. You can't stop me! You're not my mom! Unless my mom happens to be reading this post in which case hi, mom! I didn't know you read WeirdMarioEnemies. I hope you're proud of me.
Deluxe Hot Dog is the second puzzle of the Going Gourmet book in Picross 3D Round 2, following the Fancy Cheeseburger. And I gotta say, that's a really funny way to open your set of puzzles based on Gourmet Cuisine. Just random junk food arbitrarily labelled as being Classy so it'd fit with the theming.
I almost expected the set to continue in that fashion! That's right. Premium Pizza. Posh Popcorn. Sequin Milkshake. Bow-Tie French Fry. It doesn't, but I wish it did.
But what makes Deluxe Hot Dog so special...?
It's the description. Look at this! Even the humble hot dog can become a gourmet delicacy! Even the humble hot dog! And something about that feels beautiful to me. I mean, if there's hope for the humble hot dog, then I like to think there's hope for all of us.
I like to imagine the existence of a separate Humble Hot Dog puzzle, which is the same but without the colorful 3D shapes on top. A hot dog that has yet to find the right ingredients... how tragic! And people say Nintendo games can't make them cry anymore.
I don't know if people say that, and even if they do, the Humble Hot Dog Puzzle doesn't exist. And also this game is technically by HAL Laboratories. I'm trying okay?
