#moceit fic

Janus exhaled, shutting his eyes. He wished more for something to quiet the simmering, foul mess of tangled thoughts churning in his mind.

Royals younger than you have married under much worse circumstances, he told himself. What makes you so special? Why should you get out of it when they haven’t? You’re already more fortunate than you deserve.

Janus banged his head against the tree and sighed. He knew he was. Janus was the sole child of the Adrollan monarchs and the crown prince of his country. His fiance was only the younger prince of Renity (and the most dreadful, annoying royal Janus would ever meet, if the reports from their informants held any accuracy). Both countries were in desperate need of the alliance, but Janus was of higher rank. Within their marriage, he’d have the power. 

They’d live in Adrolla, in the palace where Janus had grown up. His husband would be expected to respect and submit to him. If Janus despised him, as he expected he would, he could move the other prince into separate living quarters and forget his existence almost entirely. Their relationship didn’t have to extend beyond standing near each other at public functions a few times a month. The impact on Janus’ life would be minimal.

The other prince had it so much worse. He was leaving his home and his family, going to a totally foreign country, into an unfamiliar palace full of strangers. He’d have nothing and nobody, aside from the husband who ignored him. Nothing would ever be the same for him.

Thinking about how alone he’d be when he and Janus inevitably decided not to get in each other’s way, Janus felt a pang of guilt for this man he was already resigned to hating.

Who was he to sulk and pout? Janus couldn’t have been luckier, and it was downright disrespectful to feel sorry for himself when he was the reason his future husband would be miserable the rest of his life.

The sun sat low in the yellow sky. It was a matter of hours before the wedding. Janus had to go back soon. They would start to worry.

As hard as Janus tried to convince himself he was above this, he couldn’t disregard how shaky the thought of going back to the palace made him. 

When he saw the caravan arriving from Renity, Janus panicked. And he ran. He snuck out into the forest to collect himself. Hours later, there he still sat.

Janus wondered why he didn’t just run away. There was nobody out here to stop him. He cared little for his family and less for the royals from Renity. The alliance would stop nothing; at best, it would only postpone Adrolla’s looming civil war. And, if Janus was honest with himself, he genuinely believed an uprising and a revolution was the right thing for his country. The monarchy had oppressed its citizens too long.

But the war would be brutal. And without Adrolla’s public support, Renity would surely be attacked by its other bloodthirsty neighbor, and Adrolla would be at risk of losing their most powerful potential ally. Janus wished he didn’t care, but there was so much depending on the marriage treaty. Too many innocent lives would perish if he ran.

Janus groaned, hearing the crunch of fallen leaves somewhere behind and below. He had known it was only a matter of time before he was discovered. Ambrose, the captain of his father’s guard, had been tasked with finding and returning Janus to the palace since he was old enough to wander out the gates himself, and he usually knew just where Janus was hiding.

Janus supposed there was no use delaying his return to the palace any longer. He dropped to the forest floor, and the figure behind him gasped. Janus startled, jumping back. 

This wasn’t Ambrose.

Janus stared at the stranger in front of him. His coffee-stained eyes were wide, locked on Janus’, standing tense and wiry like a rabbit ready to bolt. He looked willowy, but not very tall, with golden curls and a warm brown complexion. His nose hooked at the end and his butterfly lips were parted. Janus narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out if he recognized him.

“Who are you?” the boy asked, still ready to run.

Janus kept his eyes locked on the other’s. “Who are you?”

“I asked you first.”

Janus looked him up and down, deciding he didn’t recognize him. “Your accent is Renetian. You came with the prince?”

He hesitated a moment before nodding. He lifted a hand and gestured to Janus’ shoulder. “That’s the Adrollan royal crest, right? You must be a palace guard.”

Janus looked at his shoulder. He must have taken his friend’s cloak in the rush to leave.

The other boy shuffled back and clutched at his own cloak. “Are you here to take me back to the palace?”

“No. Why would I care if you leave?”

The stranger raised an eyebrow. “Clearly a loyal and dedicated knight. I suppose I would have hoped security as a matter would be of some importance, considering your crown prince is getting married in only a few hours.”

Janus' stomach flipped just at the mention of it, but he forced that thought away. He straightened up and folded his arms. “Palace security is obviously very busy protecting the royals. Did you ever think that making sure both princes and their families are safe and accounted for takes higher priority than you running off?”

The stranger just stared at him.

And then Janus got it. “...You’re Prince Patton.”

The boy smiled ever so slightly and began moving around the clearing. “So you can imagine my dissatisfaction with the safety of the palace when I can, first, walk out totally unnoticed, and then, not immediately be returned to safety once I’m found. After tonight, I’ll be living here, and I’m not convinced that my protection will be taken into very careful consideration.” He sat down on a fallen log and looked up at Janus, as if challenging his response.

It took a moment for Janus to realize he still had his eyes and mouth wide open. He shook out of his surprise and composed himself.

Janus couldn’t stop looking at him. Everyone who could tell him anything about Patton had said he was beautiful, but seeing him now, he knew their lackluster words did him no justice. 

He was all golden and glowing -- every inch of him soft, delicate; but steady and rosy too. Everything about him was gentle, except for the flame in his eyes and the stability of his presence, like he could walk into any room and know he belonged. Patton looked nothing like the person Janus had been expecting, and yet, he was more handsome and lovely than any of the portraits or reports captured. 

Janus wondered if anyone he had spoken to had ever even seen him. Considering how they had insisted Patton’s looks were his only redeeming quality, Janus couldn’t believe they had gotten it so wrong.

Janus had been waiting for some airheaded, conceited, spoiled prince who couldn’t hold a meaningful conversation for a minute. He was not prepared for the boy sitting in front of him now, staring in judgement and waiting for Janus to defend himself. Janus couldn’t stop looking at him.

And now, all he could think about was Patton, right here. So close. Janus had a million things he wanted to tell him, to ask him. All at once he was drowning, close enough to step forward and touch him but still so distant and disconnected, terrified that they had their whole lives together, struggling to find anything to keep himself afloat, to breathe, to assuage his raging fear that they’d be unhappy together forever. Janus felt suddenly sick thinking about Patton leaving the castle. He couldn’t fathom why, but in that moment, Janus was desperate for Patton to stay here with him until he didn’t feel so petrified and alone.

But with all his swirling thoughts, the only thing Janus could get out was “Are you running away?”

Patton looked at his hands in his lap. “What’s the point?”

“Freedom, adventure, maybe your last chance for true happiness?”

“And innocent blood on my hands, when the alliance falls through and my people are massacred.” Patton shrugged. “If I didn’t want to go through with this, I wouldn’t have to. My family would get me out of it if I asked. I don’t need to run.”

“So you want to go through with it?”

Patton shrugged again. “No. But I won’t tell them that.”

“Why are you out here, then?”

“I just wanted to take a walk. Get some air.” Patton smiled a little. “I seem to have gotten myself a bit lost, so I hope you know your way back.”

Janus shifted. “Do you want me to take you back?”

Patton shook his head. “Not yet.”

Janus watched him looking off into the forest and fidgeting with a button on his sleeve. He took a step forward. “...are you alright?”

Patton laughed. Light and airy, how Janus might have expected him to laugh at a party. He could almost see it; a glass of wine in one hand, deep in conversation, and then throwing his head back and letting out that bubbly laugh.

Janus shuffled in place. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Patton raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re very bold.”

“Would you be speaking with me if I weren’t?

“I shouldn’t be speaking with you at all.” Patton rested his forehead in his palm. “This isn’t appropriate. I should be back at the palace. I should be getting ready.”

Janus hesitated. He sat down on the log, leaving a little space between himself and Patton. “You know, there’s a confidentiality clause in a guard’s contract for the royals they serve. You’re marrying into the Adrollan monarchy tonight anyway, so that technically extends to you now.”

Patton snorted and leaned into his palm again. “I don’t believe you.”

Janus smiled. “Anything you say is in confidence.”

Patton looked up and stared at him, his eyes narrowed and his expression mostly unreadable. He waited a moment before responding. “How long have you lived at the palace?”

“My whole life.”

“You must know the prince well.”

Janus scoffed and looked away. “Very.”

Patton scooted closer. “What can you tell me about him?”

“...what do you want to know?”

“Anything,” Patton pleaded. “I don’t know anything about him. Not really. I’ve heard things, of course, but nothing from anybody who really knows him.”

“I...I don’t know what to tell you.” Janus scratched at the back of his head. “I’m sure what other people have said is as accurate as anything I could.”

“I don’t care about rumors and stories from nobles who’ve only seen him in public once,” Patton insisted. “You said you know him. What’s he like? What do you think of him?”

Janus breathed in slowly. He pulled his eyes away and stared at the ground. “I can’t stand him.”

Patton didn’t respond. They sat in silence until Janus glanced over again to see Patton deflate and cover his eyes with the palm of his hand.

“That’s just me, though!” Janus added, turning back towards Patton. “Most people like him.”

Patton shook his head. Janus’ heart thudded.

“Honestly. I’m the outlier. I may not like him, but everyone else does. Even though I don’t get it.” Janus’ heart hammered against his chest. He was completely blowing this. “His people like him. Or, they really seem to. So do all the palace servants. Court officials respect him. He mostly keeps to himself, but he’s genuinely kind. He wants to be. He tries to be.”

Patton lifted his gaze, looking at Janus through watery irises.

Janus knew he was beginning to ramble. “He’s thoughtful and compassionate. He cares so much, even though he tries to pretend he doesn’t. He wants to help people and it breaks his heart when he can’t. He knows what you’re feeling, needing the alliance to work to save his country. He’s defensive and stubborn and reckless and very difficult. He wants to be better, he wants to be loving and sweet but he doesn’t know how. He wants you to like him so badly and that frustrates and confuses him, and he is just as terrified right now as you are.”

Patton just stared at him, and for a moment, Janus was scared he said too much and gave himself away. The fear immediately gave way to embarrassment and shame at his brainless rambling, the discomfort rising to his face and neck. 

He hated that. It made his face all blotchy and hot.

Patton shook his head gently. “Why do you hate him?”

Janus fidgeted. “I don’t know. I suppose I’m too close.”

“I’m marrying him,” Patton’s voice was soft. “How could I be closer than that?”

“Well, you and I are clearly very different,” Janus murmured. “You might really like him. I think you will. I really hope you do.”

Patton lifted his gaze to Janus’ again, then cracked a tiny smile. “I knew I was right to ask. He’s clearly not the person I was told he was.”

The corner of Janus’ mouth tilted up. “What were you told?”

Patton sighed. “They had me expecting some emotionless, stone-hearted brute who’d see me as nothing more than an accessory on his arm.”

Janus balked. “What? Is that what people think?”

Patton laughed. “And everyone kept talking about it as if it were a good thing. Like I should be glad I wouldn’t need to connect emotionally with him. Or even like him at all. I had hoped what I heard was exaggerated, but I’m still relieved to hear I was right.”

Janus shook his head, unable to keep a small smile off his lips. He couldn’t imagine where that had come from. “I can tell the things we heard about you weren’t accurate, either.”

Patton looked up. “What have you heard about me?”

“They said you were spoiled, self-centered, vain, ditsy…” Janus chuckled. “I thought you’d be so annoying.”

Patton’s face fell. “Oh, God, does he already think so little of me?”

“No, no!” Janus scooted closer as Patton put his head back in his hands. “He doesn’t. I promise he doesn’t.”

Janus berated himself. Ten minutes together and he had already made him almost cry twice. He laid his hand on the back of Patton’s shoulder without thinking.

“Please. I’m sorry. He wouldn’t judge you by your reputation before getting to know you himself,” Janus said, barely realizing he was lying through his teeth. “He just wants to meet you.”

Patton glanced up at Janus, then sighed and rubbed at his eyes. “I’m used to people reducing me to appearances and stereotypes. I just don’t want to think that he hates me before we’ve even met.”

“He doesn’t. I promise he doesn’t,” Janus said. “I won’t pretend he wasn’t a little skeptical, but he knows not to take rumors too seriously. Once he meets you, I’m sure he’ll love you.” 

Janus realized he was still touching Patton. He quickly pulled his hand away, face flushing. 

Patton was quiet for a moment. He sighed again, running his hands through his hair.

“Thank you. For…all of this,” Patton finally said. “I know this probably isn’t how you’re used to royals behaving, and I wouldn’t blame you if you thought me terribly unrefined --”

“I would never think that.”

“-- but still, it was sweet of you to take the time to reassure me. I really appreciate it. And I apologize for my impropriety.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Janus insisted. “You have a lot on your mind. I’m glad I could make it a little easier to handle.”

“...I couldn’t talk to anyone else.”

Janus nodded. “I know.”

Patton took in a breath and blew it back out. He gave Janus a sideways glance, smiling a little. “You’re stationed at the palace?”

Janus hesitated before nodding again. 

“So I’ll be seeing you around, then,” Patton beamed. “It’s nice to know I’ll have a friend here.”

And maybe it was the way Patton was looking at him, all twinkly and fond with such a trusting look in his eyes, or how the sunlight slanting through the tops of the trees indicated how late it had gotten, but it hit Janus at that very moment how precarious this situation had become. Patton wasn’t bonding with him -- he thought Janus was someone he absolutely wasn’t. And Janus had taken advantage of that to soothe his own unease.

He couldn’t exactly tell Patton who he was now, could he? Patton had been so open and vulnerable with him, and finding out would embarrass him. Not to mention completely wreck their budding trust. 

But Patton would find out, one way or another, within hours. Patton’s trust in him would be damaged regardless. There was no avoiding it. He’d take it better if Janus just came clean right now, instead of leaving him to figure it out at the altar.

Janus stared at Patton, his stomach twisting as he tried to come up with something to say, crafting the perfect explanation in his head that would make everything better. Patton held his gaze, still smiling softly. 

Janus didn’t know if he had the courage to say it to his face.

Heavy boots on crackling leaves pulled them out of the moment. Janus’ head snapped toward the sound, admonishing himself for not picking up on it sooner. He caught the reflective glint of metal and the red and gold cloth of the Adrollan crest decorating the knights’ uniform through the trees. A search party.

Janus cursed under his breath. They’d both been gone so long. He should have thought to keep watch.

Patton glanced in their direction. “More guards?”

Janus stood and grabbed Patton’s arm. They were far enough away that they hadn’t been spotted yet, but they’d need a generous head start to escape without being caught.

“They can’t find us together!” He hissed. “We have to get out of here!”

“What? And go where?”

“Come on!” Janus pulled Patton into a run with him, dodging through the trees and rustling the drying leaves underneath their feet. Patton laughed in surprise but followed without resistance, adjusting Janus’ grip so their hands linked.

“Where are we going?” Patton let out another breathless laugh. He clung to Janus’ hand to keep up.

Janus knew they were making too much noise to have gone undetected, and the vocal alarm and calls after them confirmed that they had been spotted. 

But they’d only get in trouble if they were caught. 

Janus weaved through the forest with a little more purpose, hoping to disguise their direction enough to lose the guards. Patton tightened his grip as they dodged trees and ducked under low branches, still giggling breathlessly behind.

“Prince Janus!” called an exasperated voice, and Janus recognized that was Ambrose. He knew Janus' hiding places and escape routes better than anyone else. Janus felt a twinge of remorse for once again making his job more difficult, but this was important. He’d apologize later.

The sounds of the search party faded behind them. Finally, Janus found what he had been looking for -- a rock outcropping against a hill, the inside shielded from three sides and shaded enough to disappear from view of the fourth. Janus pulled Patton inside and they slumped against the wall to catch their breath.

Janus panted as his fear ebbed, giving way to exhilaration and relief. He let out his own breathless laugh and looked over.

But Patton wasn’t laughing. He breathed hard, his tempestuous stare searing into Janus’ skin.

“That guard called you Janus,” he said, his voice low and cold.

Janus’ heart dropped into a pit in his stomach. He opened his mouth to speak, searching for his perfect explanation, but nothing came out.

“You lied to me.”

Janus swallowed. “Technically, I didn’t lie. You made a false assumption and I didn’t correct you.”

Patton was glaring now. Janus wished he hadn’t said anything.

Patton turned icy all over. He looked straight out in front of him. “Take me back to the palace now, please.”

Janus exhaled and nodded. Patton started towards the cave entrance, but with the sudden sound of voices and heavy footsteps somewhere outside Janus reached out to stop him.

“Wait!” Janus hissed. He pulled Patton in again, accidentally backing him against the wall. Patton stared up with wide eyes, their bodies so close Janus could feel the beat of Patton’s heart still pounding against his chest. Janus barely breathed out an apology before the search party was much too close, and he bit his tongue to keep quiet, shutting his eyes and trying to ignore Patton’s piercing gaze.

After a moment that could have been an hour, the noises and calls waned a little. Janus pulled back.

“Sorry,” he murmured. “If they find us like this, there’ll be all kinds of rumors and assumptions we can’t disprove. We’d end up in huge trouble. The last thing my parents want is a scandal.”

Patton breathed in deep through his nose and looked forward again, folding his arms and leaning back against the rock wall. Janus snuck a glance at him and couldn’t tell if he was flushed from embarrassment or anger.

The drawn out silence hung in the air like smoke. Janus leaned his head back, trying to forget this was happening. 

He started counting in his head, telling himself they’d be able to make their escape by the time he reached a thousand. Patton interrupted him around eighty-five.

“Why would you lie?” He finally looked back over, still that freezing stare in his eyes. “Just...explain that. You know how difficult this is already. Why would you complicate it more?”

“I didn’t technically lie,” Janus muttered, and Patton shot him a death glare.

“You think you’ll get out of this on a technicality?” he fumed. “You deceived me! We’re about to be married. What would you have done at the altar when I realized I was marrying a palace guard?”

“I don’t know. I --” Janus sighed and ran a hand through his hair, avoiding Patton’s eyes. “I didn’t know what to do. By the time I realized I should have said something, it was way too late. I knew you’d be embarrassed if I had.”

“Of course I’m embarrassed!” Patton cried. “I never would have said any of that if I knew it was you!”

“Exactly my point! You needed someone to talk to --”

“Oh please, don’t act like you did this for my sake --”

“-- But you had a lot on your mind and needed someone who would listen!” Janus took a deep breath and lowered his voice. “I made a choice I believed was in your best interest. Of course I know we’re about to be married. That’s why I did it. I wanted you to feel like you could talk to me.”

Patton just stared, arms folded.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest with you,” Janus said. “And I’m sorry for any pain or discomfort that dishonesty caused you. That was never my intention.”

Patton turned away, and Janus thought he could see the ice thaw. Just the slightest bit.

“Well, thank you.” Patton took a breath. “Do you think it’s safe to go out yet?”

Janus poked his head outside, watching and listening for any signs of the search party. “Probably. Are you ready to go back?”

Patton nodded. Janus stepped out, still looking around, and motioned for Patton to follow.

“What else have you told me that isn’t true?” Patton asked while they made their way through the forest.

“Nothing,” Janus promised. “Everything else was true.”

“Everything?”

“Yes. Oh, no, wait --” Janus checked himself. “There’s actually no confidentiality clause in a guard’s contract. I made that up. But I still won’t tell anybody what you said.”

Patton looked away, trying to hide his smirk. Janus caught it and smiled. He took a breath before continuing.

“Other than that, everything was true. I promise.”

“And why should I believe you?” Patton said it like it was a joke, but Janus knew better.

“I don’t know. I guess you’ll have to trust me,” he answered gently. Patton looked up at him again with those wide, coffee-stained eyes. “I don’t expect that right away. I just want the opportunity to prove you can.”

Patton didn’t say anything, just kept looking up at Janus with that ambiguous look on his face.

“Look, I really want this to work.” Janus didn’t realize it until he said it out loud. Already, he liked Patton more than he wanted to. “But it won’t work if we’re too focused on propriety to communicate. I want you to feel like you can talk to me without wondering if it’s appropriate.”

“And I want to feel like my husband won’t be dishonest with me,” Patton said, his gaze hardening again, and when their eyes locked, Janus knew it was another challenge.

He took a breath. “Alright. What do you want to know?”

Patton gave him a look.

“I’m serious. I want you to know I’ll be honest. Ask me anything.”

The corner of Patton’s mouth lifted. “Fine. Why were you really out here?”

Janus fidgeted with the hem of his cape. Leaves crunched under their boots as they walked.

“I saw your family’s caravan arrive,” he said. “I thought I’d been doing a pretty good job of convincing myself I didn’t care about any of this. But knowing you were there, that we were only a few walls apart -- I couldn’t handle it. It hit me how quickly everything was happening and how much things would change after tonight. So instead of dealing with it, I ran.”

“Were you going to run away?”

“I thought about it, but I never would have actually done it.”

“Why not?”

“I’m kind of a coward.”

Patton laughed, and Janus smiled, picking at the skin on his cuticle.

They were quiet for a moment, the only sound coming from crackling leaves and birds sitting up above. Janus glanced over and found Patton already looking at him.

“Are you really as scared as I am?” he asked, his eyes full of that soft sadness Janus had already seen in him far too often.

“I was.” Janus offered a smile. “I’m not anymore.”

Patton smiled back and looked away.

“Well, actually, I wasn’t anymore, but then you yelled at me, and now I think I might be a little --”

Patton snorted and pushed against Janus’ arm. “You think that was yelling? I barely even raised my voice! I thought I still had to be polite!”

“All I’m saying is that it scared me a little!” They were both laughing, and Janus hoped he would never stop making Patton laugh.

“Look, you have to promise not to lie to me again,” Patton said, coming to a stop. “I want to trust you. I want to believe that you won’t keep anything from me. But I need you to promise that now, or I’ll always wonder.”

Janus nodded. “Alright. But you can’t keep things from me, either. I want you to come to me when something’s weighing on you. This is supposed to be a partnership. When you can’t talk to anyone else, I should be there for you.”

Patton smiled a little. He lifted a hand, pinky finger extended. “Alright. I promise.”

Janus linked their fingers and smiled back.

He held Patton’s gaze for just a second, and seeing those beautiful brown eyes gazing up at him fondly, Janus didn’t know what he did to deserve the spot he held in their vision.

Then Patton turned away and started walking again, and Janus fell into step next to him, half chastising himself for his dopey behavior -- Pull yourself together, man -- but knowing he was in too good of a mood to really care.

“You are so not what I expected,” Patton murmured, a breezy smile on his lips.

Janus grinned. “If that’s really my reputation outside of Adrolla, I can’t imagine where it would have come from.”

Patton chuckled. “Honestly. Did you really see through what they told you about me?”

“Oh, absolutely not,” Janus admitted. “I was completely convinced. I was really worried about it, too.” Janus stopped. “Oh, that was another lie I told, I should have mentioned that earlier.”

Patton laughed again, full and real, head back and glowing. He put a hand against Janus’ arm for a moment, and Janus swore he could feel the warmth of his fingertips through the fabric of the shirt and cloak.

Before he knew it, they were only a few feet from the edge of the forest, in view of the palace grounds. There were guards milling around -- likely all under orders to find the missing princes who were to be married in less than two hours -- and Janus pulled Patton back a little deeper into the trees.

“We’ll have to go around so they don’t see us,” he whispered, just in case anyone was in earshot. Janus caught Patton’s stare lingering on him, and he gave Patton a reassuring smile.

“We’ll be fine. I’ve had a lot of practice sneaking in and out.”

Patton smiled back, letting Janus lead him around to the side of the palace. They sat and waited until the patrolling guard disappeared around a corner to dash in.

Janus helped Patton over the wall containing one of the smaller gardens before jumping over himself. He took a quick glance around to make sure nobody had seen them, then showed Patton to the first floor window he always made sure to leave unlocked.

“This will put you in the hallway leading to the servants’ quarters,” Janus said, trying to unlatch the window from the outside. “Everyone should be setting up in the grand ballroom, but if you go through the door all the way at the end and take a right, you’ll get to the kitchen. You can say you took a walk and got lost, and someone will help you back to your room.” Janus got the window open and turned to Patton, extending his hand.

“Thank you,” Patton said, taking Janus’ hand to climb through the window.

Once inside, he turned around to gaze again at Janus. He realized their hands were still joined, but Patton wasn’t pulling away, so Janus didn’t either.

“Really,” Patton said, softly, insistent, his soft stare shining against Janus’ skin. “Thank you. 

“Of course,” Janus said back, wondering how silly the smile on his face looked. “I’ll see you soon.”

Patton hesitated, breathing in for a moment, before smiling again. “I’m looking forward to it.”

Janus’ heart skipped a beat. He let go, watching Patton pull the window shut and disappear into the hallway.

Janus stood in the garden for a moment, beaming, thankful nobody was around to see what a fool he was making of himself. He couldn’t keep the grin off his face as he jumped the wall again and made his way towards the front of the palace.

As he rounded the corner, a few of the patrolling guards shouted in surprise and ran towards him. Ambrose, apparently having returned after exhausting the search in the forest, grabbed him by the shoulder and steered him towards the front of the palace.

“Where the hell have you been?!” He was one of the only guards who could get away with talking to Janus like that. “Your father would have had me jailed if I lost you!”

“You know I wouldn’t have let that happen to you. I was just taking a walk, you didn’t have to be so worried.” Janus knew he still had that senseless smile on his face. He made no attempt to conceal it.

Ambrose gave him a look. “What’s with you?”

Janus was practically floating. “Nothing.”

And as Janus walked into the palace, he didn’t feel so trapped. He was lighter than air. The part of himself that hated his vulnerability was telling him that he was absurd for feeling like this, that one good interaction wouldn’t save him from a doomed marriage he wasn’t ready for.

Janus had transferred to Sanders Middle School in 7th grade and almost instantly decided he loathed it. His old school was perfectly fine, but no, he just had to move.

The only real reason for his moving schools was the fact that his mom got a new job, one that allowed them to have a bigger house and travel more, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.

But, yes, it didn’t take him long to decide that this school sucked. His dad had walked him in, and a teacher had met them, smiling and cheerful and fake. And then, dad left, and she’d left him at the office, muttering something about a really nice boy coming to give him a tour, but Janus didn’t wait around to meet him. He could find his own way. As he wandered around the school, pretty much… well, everyone stared. One teacher stopped him, whispering about how brave he was, and how hard it must be to grow up standing out as much as he must have — what, with the port-wine stain covering one half of his face. Sure, it was hard, but it was even harder when people pointed it out right off the bat. Oh, but surprise surprise! Every stupid kid in this stupid school either laughed at him or asked him why he looked so weird.

And then, he met Patton. God, he wished he knew then how important Patton would be to him when he sat down at his lunch table.

Janus had been trying very hard to sit alone and not talk to anyone. It saved the effort of audibly being cleverer than people and allowed him to just make his remarks in his head, where he didn’t run the risk of getting a punch. Just as he was about to finish eating, someone sat opposite him, grinning widely and hands empty of food.

“Hi!”

Janus glanced at the kid through his bangs and didn’t speak. His curly hair fell into his own eyes, and he was missing one of his teeth, which somehow made that stupid grin even more infuriating.

“My name’s Patton! The principal told me you’d be joining last week, and he told me to come find you in the morning so I could give you a tour, but you weren’t at the office or in the playground or anywhere so I had to just go to class, but then I couldn’t find you at break either but I’ve found you now! So, I guess it’s already been half a day, so you’ve probably got most of the layout down to pat, but anything else you’re stuck with can just be down to Pat! Meaning, uh, lemme know and I’ll help!”

Janus glanced at him again before looking back down.

“Um, so… what classes have you had so far? Are you enjoying—”

“Can you leave me alone?” he snapped.

Patton frowned, more puzzled than upset. “Well, the school day ends at 3:15. Unless you have an after school club, then it ends at 4. So I can leave you alone then, and we can meet back up tomorrow, if you like!” He grinned again, and Janus felt anger lick at his throat. Was this kid making fun of him?

“No, I mean, right now. Like, fuck off?”

The grin faltered, and for just a second, Patton managed to look upset. But then, as sudden as its disappearance, the grin reappeared. “No, sorry! I’ve been told to make sure you’re A-okay! What’s your name?”

“You know my name. The principal must have told you.”

“Nope! Or, that’s a lie, he did, but it’s nice for new friends to—”

“Okay, I’m going to stop you right there. Please, allow me to make one thing perfectly clear. You and I are not friends in the remotest sense of the word. I have known you for all of five minutes and so far I cannot stand your presence. You are annoying me. So, please. Leave. Me. Alone.”

Finally, the grin disappeared entirely, and tears sprung into Patton’s eyes. “Oh. Right. Well, uh, sorry I’m annoying you. I guess you can just… take this map now. I was meant to give it you when I found you at the start of the day, but I… didn’t… find you. Sorry. Um… have a good rest-of-the-day! Oh, uh, by the way, I put some notes on there, the map, I mean, just like stuff that I woulda found helpful on my first day, but um… hang on… I’ve got a clean copy in my bag somewhere. Ah, there! Here you go. Now you get a spare map! But, uh, yeah. I’ll leave you to it. Just, um, let me know if you do need anything. I’ll be… around, I guess.”

Janus took the clean map and put it in his pocket, leaving the one with what he assumed to be Patton’s handwriting on the table. “It was truly a pleasure meeting you,” he drawled.

Patton bit his lip and nodded, before walking away. Janus scoffed under his breath and carried on putting his lunchbox back into his bag. Stupid Patton, just another stupid little kid pretending to be his friend so that he could look like a hero. Idiot. He checked nobody was watching before taking the notes map and shoving it in his bag. Might come in handy.

Over the next week, Janus still hadn’t spoken to anyone. This wasn’t a loss to him; he preferred it this way. If he didn’t talk to anyone, nobody could say something dickish and he’d be fine. At least, he didn’t speak to anyone until he saw Patton being crowded against his locker by one of the first kids to make fun of Janus’ birthmark. He stood nearby and listened.

“Um, Grey, it’s really nice of you to try and, y’know, make friends with me, I think, but uh, if you could step back—”

“Right yeah! I totally wanna be your friend. Like, wearing a shirt like that? Who wouldn’t want to be your friend?”

Janus glanced at Patton’s t-shirt and frowned. It was pink, with a cartoon photo of a cat and a dog holding hands. Janus would never admit it to anyone, but he thought it was kind of sweet.

“Oh, that’s really nice of you, thanks! Listen, I’ve gotta get to class, but I’d love to make friends with you even more!”

Grey scoffed. “I’d love that too! I’ll come find you after school, and we can have some real friendly fun together!”

Patton grinned even brighter. “Oh, great! I look forward to it!”

The bully scoffed again and shoved Patton one last time, making him hit his head against the locker. Patton barely flinched, but his grin faded into just a smile. Grey spun and walked away, his goons following, and Janus watched Patton’s smile fall as he rubbed the back of his head.

Janus sighed and walked up to him. “You do realise that he was making fun of you, don’t you?”

“O-Oh— um, hi. Sorry, what did you say?”

“I said, Grey is making fun of you. He doesn’t want to be your friend at all.”

“Oh, yeah. I know. But, what can you do, y’know? I can’t exactly make him stop, and if you treat someone like that nicely for long enough, they’ll start to like you!”

Janus narrowed his eyes. “That… isn’t true. Who told you that?”

Something shuttered on Patton’s face for just a second. “Uh… I’ve… my mom.”

“Well then she’s stupid. A bully is a bully, you can’t change them.”

Patton’s mouth tightened. “Well… I can try! And it’s not like it’ll hurt any more than it does already.”

“You’re clearly just as stupid as your mother.”

Patton’s eyes narrowed. “My mom is not stupid.”

Janus raised his eyebrows. “Oh? My apologies.”

Patton looked away and took a deep breath before he plastered another smile onto his face. “It’s fine. You didn’t mean it, right?”

“Well—” He stopped himself, pulling his mouth into an easy, albeit false, smile. “Of course not. I’m sorry.”

Patton’s smile turned more real and he nodded. “Well, no worries then! I do need to get to class though — and so do you, actually. Um… listen, if you wanna, y’know, sit together at lunch again, uh, just come find me. I’ll be in the cafeteria. No pressure though.”

“I will… certainly consider that.”

“Great! Bye, Ja— Uh— you still haven’t told me your name.”

“You know my name, why do I need to tell you?”

“Well, mostly in case there’s something else you want me to call you! Y’know, a nickname, or—”

“Janus is fine, thank you.”

“You got it! See ya, Janus.”

Janus spent the rest of the day debating whether or not he would sit with Patton. He… didn’t even know if he wanted to.

However, once lunchtime arrived and Janus entered the cafeteria, Patton wasn’t there. Janus scoffed and sat down. How stupid of him to think that he had any chance to make a friend. He didn’t want a friend. And if he did, he didn’t want one like Patton. All smiles and niceness and—

His thoughts were cut off when the doors to the cafeteria opened and Patton hurried in, cheeks tinged pink and eyes wide. He looked around and spotted Janus, who pointedly avoided eye contact. He didn’t want a friend. He didn’t.

Patton hesitated and turned away, walking over to another empty table and sitting down. Janus watched him out of the corner of his eye and saw him pull a textbook out of his bag. Janus frowned— wasn’t he going to eat? As the other boy pulled out a notebook and it was clear he was studying, Janus shoved everything into his bag and walked over to sit opposite him. He didn’t want to be friends, but he didn’t want a kid to not eat anything at lunch either.

“What are you studying?” he asked sharply. Patton looked up, surprised, before he beamed.

“Hi! Algebra! Sorry I was late, I got held up with someone in the hall.”

Janus frowned. “Was it that Grey asshole?”

“He isn’t, um, a b-hole, but yeah.”

“He is, he’s a huge dickbag.”

“He’s a bit of a jerk, I guess…”

“Exactly. Why are you studying instead of eating?”

Patton hesitated, looking at his book. “Um… I don’t normally bring food in at lunch. I’m not really hungry a lot of the time.”

“Oh. Well, I accidentally packed extra today. D’you want a sandwich?”

“Uh… no, I don’t wanna take your food.”

Janus pulled out the sandwich and slid it across the table. “I told you, I brought too much today. It’ll just go in the bin if you don’t eat it, I ate mine already,” he lied.

“Are you sure?”

Janus kept his face deadpan when he spoke, “No, I’m lying to you. This is all an elaborate trick to get you to eat a sandwich so that I may have the honour of starving for you.”

Patton smiled and took the sandwich. “Thanks.”

He began eating and Janus started on his apple. Patton began chatting when he was finished, sliding his books back into his bag and relaxing. It was… nice.

After that, the two boys met up for lunchtime every day. Then, they began meeting up outside of school and before school and in between lessons and, embarrassingly quickly, if Janus was being honest, they became inseparable.

Patton got his first boyfriend in his freshman year of high school. His name was Jason, and he was a junior. Janus hated him the second Patton introduced them to each other. The age difference alone was enough to make Janus suspicious. A seventeen-year-old interested in a fourteen-year-old? It just seemed… gross. However, he hadn’t actually done anything. As far as Janus knew — and Janus knew everything there was to know about Patton — Jason had never hurt him in any way, not even emotionally. Patton was happy. And no matter how suspicious Janus was, no matter how strongly he felt like this was going to end horribly, if Patton was happy, then so was he. He wasn’t going to be the one to ruin this for his best friend.

Patton spent most of his weekends sleeping at Janus’ house. His dad was, frankly, shitty, and Janus and his parents were happy to have him at theirs as much as possible.

At one of their meetings, Patton had been dating Jason for a few months, and they were lying on the bed in silence, staring at the ceiling.

He had been behaving strangely all night — slower to smile and laugh, more apprehensive to make jokes, tenser. Janus hated it but knew his friend well enough at this point to realise that asking would just make him try harder to pretend he was fine. So, when their conversation tapered to its halt with the usual carrier out of commission, Janus let it happen and fell into a comfortable silence beside his best friend.

And then, Patton spoke up.

“Can I tell you something?”

Janus looked at him. “Of course.”

Patton turned his head and met Janus’ eyes, his own more somber than the other boy had ever seen them. “You can’t tell anyone. Nobody, Jan. not even your parents. Okay?”

“Sure.”

“Please, Janus, promise me? Actually promise. This is serious.”

Janus looked him in the eye and spoke as sincerely as he could manage. “I promise.”

Patton stared at him for a few more seconds and then looked away, back up at the ceiling. “Jason and I… did things. Last night.”

Janus tensed. He forced his voice smooth, years of practice allowing him to remain neutral. “What sort of things?”

“Y’know, um… things.”

“Did you have sex with him?”

Patton sat up fast and looked at the door, frantically shushing his friend. “Be quiet, if anyone finds out I’ll get in so much trouble!”

“Woah, okay, calm down. I’ll be quiet, I’m sorry. But did you?”

Patton glared at him for a second before sucking in a deep breath. “I… not the whole thing. Just, um… I, uh… with my mouth. And his, um, thingy, and then he used his hands-on, um…”

Janus sat up next to him, staring. “Patton, it is so important that you tell me the truth right now. Did you want to?”

“What? What do you mean?”

“That is a lot. And you’re legally underage— hell, so is he. You’re not even comfortable saying the word dick right now. Did you want to give him a blowjob?”

Patton blushed harshly. “I um… I think so? It was… it felt good. At the time. But I feel…” His chin shook and Janus saw tears in his eyes. “I feel bad now. Like I did something wrong.” He looked at Janus, eyes wide. “Did I? Did I do something wrong?”

Janus hesitated. For once in his life, he didn’t know whether telling a lie or being honest was the best thing to do. “I… No. If you consented, fully consented, meaning you weren’t at all pressured or guilted, and you enjoyed it the entire time without changing your mind… did any of that happen?”

“No. He asked if I wanted to and— and I did, and I, um, I think I liked it, it felt nice, at least, and I felt good afterwards, but— but as soon as he left and I started thinking about it I— I shouldn’t be doing stuff like that. I’m only a kid, and he’s only a kid, and I don’t want people to think I’m some kind of a— a whore, or anything. And it’s not legal. If anyone finds out I’ll get in so much trouble and how do I know he won’t tell anyone? And I don’t just mean trouble with my parents, they probably won’t care at all, I mean— with my teachers, and the police, and your parents, and I don’t want you to think I’m bad, Jan, I swear I won’t do it again if you think it’s bad, I don’t even know if I wanna do it again, and—”

Tears were rolling down his cheeks now, and with every few words, his voice would crack as his breathing got faster. Janus reached out and grabbed his hands. “I don’t think you’re bad, Patton. I would never, ever think you’re bad, no matter what you choose to do with your body. Breathe, okay?”

Patton took a shuddering breath and pulled Janus’ hand up to his face so that the back of his wrist could wipe his eyes. “Jay, I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“I’m scared of people finding out. I’m scared of him asking to do it again. I— I don’t want to do it again. I wish I never did it in the first place, even if it felt good at the time, I wish— I kinda wanna break up with him. He just… he seems so much maturer than I am, y’know?”

“Yeah. He is a lot older, Patty.”

“I know…”

“Patton, I need you to really think about this before you reply, okay?”

“Mhm.”

Janus squeezed his hands and took a deep breath. “If you tried to break up with Jason, would you be safe?”

Patton thought about it for a minute, not looking away from Janus. “I don’t know,” he whispered.

“Okay.” He let go of one of Patton’s hands before reaching up to run a hand through his friend’s hair. “It’s going to be fine. You have a right to end any relationship that isn’t serving you as it should be, and if he doesn’t accept that we’ll do something about him. Do you want to do it now?”

“What? Like… go to his house?”

“No, no. Text him. You have his phone number, right?”

“I… yeah.”

“So if you want, I’ll compose a text message to end your relationship with him, and you can check it over and send it. Or, you could just write it and I’ll be here as moral support.”

Patton hesitated. “Isn’t that mean? People always talk about how much it sucks to do it over text, and I don’t wanna hurt him…”

Janus scoffed. “If you wouldn’t be safe doing it in person, or you’d get scared and change your mind, or pressure yourself into stopping, then it’s fine. The only people who have a problem with it being done over text are the ones who would try and pressure their partners to change their minds. But at the same time, if you want to do it in person that’s fine too. I’ll come with you and make sure he doesn’t do anything.”

Patton sighed. “Right. I just… okay.” He stared at the wall just over Janus’ shoulder. “Okay,” he repeated, more sure, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

Patton unlocked the phone and pulled up his text conversation with Jason. Janus pointedly avoided reading any of it.

“What do I say?” Patton murmured.

“What do you want to tell him?”

“Um… that I don’t wanna see him anymore. That he… he should see people his own age? And I should, like, not date. For a bit.”

Janus nodded. “Okay. So type that.”

“What if he asks why?”

“You can either tell him or don’t.”

Patton nodded and started typing. A minute or so later, he held his phone out to Janus. “Can you check it?”

“Sure.” Janus took it and read the message, tweaking a few things here and there. He handed it back to Patton. “I made it more… confident. You can change it back if you’re more comfortable.”

“No, this is good. So I just… hit send?”

“Yeah.”

Patton took a deep breath and hit the little blue arrow.

“Oh my god. What did I just do?”

“It’s okay. Don’t panic. You did the right—”

“Oh god, he replied!” Patton yelled, throwing his phone on the bed and bursting into tears.

“Hey, hey! Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know!” Patton wailed.

Janus stared at him, panicking. “Well, stop!”

“I can’t!”

“Do you want me to read it?”

“Yes!”

“Fine!” Janus picked up the phone and opened it. It was still on the text conversation, and he read the last message. “Uh…”

“What did he say?”

“He wants you to go to his house.”

“Wh— right now?”

Janus frowned at the screen and typed Patton’s question. “Hold on… yeah. Now.”

Patton’s breath hitched. “I don’t wanna. Jay, I don’t want to, I don’t wanna go.”

“Hey, obviously you’re not going. It’d be a bit rude if you just fucked off halfway through our sleepover, wouldn’t it?”

Patton smiled wobbly. “Right. Right, yeah, it would. Watch your language, though.”

Janus laughed. “Sure.”

Patton sighed and fell back onto the bed as Janus told his boyfriend that he didn’t want to go. Another reply pinged into the phone, and Janus shut it down.

They spent the rest of the night watching movies, and Patton soon got back to his usual self.

This trend continued for the whole weekend, and then on Sunday night, he had to go home.

On Monday, Patton wasn’t in their usual meeting spot before school. It was the first time since they began meeting up that he hadn’t come. Janus felt his stomach twist in fear. Had something happened?

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and texted Patton.

JJ Pat, where are you? Is everything okay?

It ticked as delivered instantly, and then… nothing. Patton had never left Janus on delivered. He always answered instantly. Janus felt his heart rate pick up and bit his thumbnail. Something was very, very wrong, and Janus didn’t know what it was or how he could help. If he could help. What if Patton’s dad did something? Finally snapped and hurt him?

Janus swallowed nervously, and the bell to first period rang.

It was fine. He’d see him at lunch, and find out that he was just— just late or something. Everything was fine.

Everything was decidedly not, in fact, fine. Patton never met Janus that lunchtime. He saw him, sure, and then he turned away and left the cafeteria as soon as their eyes met. And this happened for the rest of the week. Janus would catch glances of his best friend — of his hoodie or his curls or his backpack, but not his eyes, they never met eyes — and then he would run away.

They still texted. Almost as much as they had before. Patton texted like nothing had changed, like they still met up every morning and every lunchtime, like he didn’t blow Janus off every time he invited him to his house. He was busy, he’d say. He had to take care of his mom, or do homework, or fetch groceries. He was staying in class at lunch, catching up on work that he’d missed or getting help with an extra credit sheet. Janus was trying so, so hard to stay worried, but now he was just… pissed. Patton clearly still wanted to be friends, just… not where anyone could see them. He’s finally gotten sick of being around the freak, apparently. Well, that was fine. Janus didn’t need to hang out with people at school. He’d avoided it for his whole life before meeting Patton, and he could easily go back to that life now. He didn’t need him. He didn’t. He—

He lasted all of four days before he cornered Patton in a hallway. It felt like longer, to him, and when he looked back and realised that it really had only been four days he’d be surprised, but that was the truth. Four days.

It was at lunch, and Janus had left his class early to hide outside Patton’s before they were dismissed. They’d memorised each other’s schedules by now, more out of habit than anything purposeful, and so Janus knew he’d gotten the right class. Patton stepped out last, after the hallway was mostly empty, and Janus didn’t hesitate before he grabbed his wrist and dragged him around a corner.

“Why are you avoiding me?” he demanded, holding his friend’s wrist as gently as he could manage without worrying that he’d escape. He couldn’t see Patton’s face on the way he was hanging his head, and then he turned away and tried to pull his wrist free.

“I’m not avoiding you. I’m just really busy. I’m sorry, Jay, but I’ve gotta go do some extra credit for maths—”

“Bullshit, Patton, Mr Evans doesn’t give extra credit. I asked.”

Patton had his back to Janus now, and he tended. “I…”

“Look, Pat, it’s fine. If you don’t wanna hang out with me anymore, then fine, I get it, but— just fucking tell me.” His voice cracked at the end as tears sprung into his eyes, and Patton’s breath hitched.

“I don’t… Janus, I love you. Just as much as I always have, I just…”

“Do I do something wrong, Pat? Is— Do you just not wanna be seen with me anymore?”

“No! Not at all, Jay, it’s… it’s nothing like that.”

“You won’t even look at me!”

Patton hung his head. “Please don’t cry, Janus,” he whispered, voice thick.

“I’m not,” Janus snarled. “I just—” His voice cracked again, and he dropped Patton’s wrist to wipe at his eyes. “Just tell me now if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, so I can stop… hoping.”

Patton sobbed, pressed his hands into his eyes and turned slightly back to Janus. “I do want to be your friend, Jay! I don’t— you’re not just my friend, okay? You’re— you’re everything to me. I’m so sorry I made you think—”

“What else was I supposed to think, Patton? You won’t even—”

“It isn’t about you, Jan! I’m just busy.”

Janus sighed. “Look at me then. Please, Pat, just—”

His voice caught in his throat when Patton spun around.

“Patton, what… what happened? Who did that?”

Patton lifted a hand to hide the blackened, swollen bruise on his eye. “Nobody. I just… I was stood in front of a door, and someone opened it too fast and it hit me.”

Janus froze. He stared at Patton with wide eyes. “Did… did you just lie to me?”

“No. I’m telling you the truth, Janus, that’s what happened. Nobody did anything to me.”

“Don’t lie, Pat. Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not.”

Janus stared at him. “Is… is this why you’ve been hiding from me?”

“I just didn’t wanna worry you, Jay. I figured I could just hide until it was healed and you wouldn’t need to know. I know it was a stupid plan now. And I— I’m so sorry I made you think I didn’t wanna be your friend anymore, Janus. I swear, I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t my friend.”

Janus sighed. “Can I have a hug?”

Patton tested up again, bottom lip trembling as he threw himself at Janus. He caught him easily, wrapping his arms around Patton’s shoulders and stroking the back of his head.

“Pat… I won’t do anything, I swear. I won’t tell anyone. But… did somebody hit you?”

Patton sobbed, once, and nodded into Janus’ chest. “It was an accident,” he insisted, voice thick with tears and trembling.

“Was it your dad?”

“No… Jason found me before school on Monday and wanted to know why I broke up with him. He was really upset, and we talked it out and it’s okay now. But he got really angry, and he only meant to hit the wall, it was an accident.”

Janus clenched his jaw, hugging Patton tightly. He promised he wouldn’t do anything. He couldn’t do anything. Even if he did report it, Patton could just defend Jason and then all that would happen is that Patton wouldn’t trust Janus again.

“Did you get back together with him?”

Patton nodded. “We talked about it, and he was really nice.”

“Was he nice before or after he hit you?”

“I… that doesn’t matter.”

Janus sighed. “Sure it doesn’t. What did you talk about?”

“He, um. We agreed that I was… too rash. I should’ve talked to him about what I was worried about before just dumping him out of the blue, because it really hurt him.”

“And did you talk about what you were worried about?”

“Yeah. He told me it wasn’t bad, and that if it felt good it had to be good.”

“That’s… one way to look at it. But that doesn’t mean you’re not worried anymore, right?”

“I mean… no? But… it’s okay. I’m fine. And it did feel good, and…” he trailed off, keeping his face buried in Janus’ chest as he took a deep breath. “Never mind. I’m really sorry about all this, Jay. I shouldn’t have left you by yourself all of this week.”

“It’s fine, Pat. Next time, just… tell me. Okay? You can trust me. You’re my best friend.”

“I know. You’re mine, too.”

“Have you been hanging out with him at lunch and stuff? Or have you just been by yourself too?”

“Um… yeah. I’ve been with Jason.”

Janus pulled away and looked at Patton’s face. The bruise was just as bad as when he’d first seen it, and Patton looked just as anxious. Janus smiled reassuringly. “Have you, um, been having fun with him?”

Patton blushed and looked away. “Yeah… I really do like him, Jay. And I think he likes me, too.”

“Of course he does, Pat. Who wouldn’t like you?”

Patton giggled. “My dad.”

Janus let out a startled laugh. “That’s not funny, Patton.”

“You laughed!”

“Not voluntarily!”

Patton grinned at him, and they started walking to the cafeteria.

Jason broke up with Patton at the end of the year, saying that he wasn’t interested if they weren’t going to school together anymore. Patton… hadn’t been as upset about it as Janus expected, really. He’d cried for a few days, of course, but… then he got another boyfriend. This one was in their grade, and his name was Lucas. He was… actually great at first. Janus liked him. Until Patton turned up at his house with a split lip and tears in his eyes, saying that he and Lucas had broken up but the split lip was completely unrelated.

This trend continued for the rest of high school and some of college. Patton would get a boyfriend, show up at Janus’ house or their dorm with various injuries and make stupid excuses. He fell down the stairs, that’s why he had two broken ribs and a snapped wrist. The hand-shaped bruise on his neck? It was just a really weird table he hit his throat on. What the fuck kind of an excuse was that.

And then, in their senior year of college, Patton and Janus met the others. People who didn’t give a shit about Janus’ birthmark and Patton’s child-like humour. People who thought Patton was cute, and Janus was funny.

Virgil, Logan, Remus and…

And Roman.

Patton loved Roman. Janus saw it the second they met eyes for the first time. Patton was completely and utterly head over heels.

He hadn’t had a boyfriend since their sophomore year. He’d said he was taking a break to focus on his grades, but Janus knew he was just sick of getting beaten up. Janus was definitely sick of seeing it.

But then Roman came along, with his fancy hair and charming smile, and Patton fell harder than Janus had ever seen him. They got together three months after they met, much to the relief of the others in the group. Janus had felt a pit in his stomach every day since then, and it only got deeper every time Patton told him about a date or a gift or just beamed at him whenever Roman came up.

But Janus was used to watching. He’d spent most of his childhood watching other people, garnering their reactions, analysing their expressions. And he knew Patton’s better than anyone in his whole life. So he watched, he watched Patton and Roman and made sure that there was nothing there. And there wasn’t. Patton wasn’t afraid around Roman. There was no tensing around his mouth or shoulders, no nervous glances when they were around the others. Nothing.

But it didn’t make sense. Patton had never had a boyfriend who didn’t hurt him. It just— it didn’t happen, not in ten years. Something was going to happen, and then Janus would have to pretend it didn’t, again, and pick up the pieces of his best fucking friend. He was so sick of people hurting him.

Despite this, Janus had to… keep pretending it was fine. It wouldn’t do to ruin this for Patton before it was necessary: Patton was an adult now, he knew the risks of getting into a relationship and he knew Janus would help him when it went wrong.

They’d been together for four months when it happened. Patton had spent the weekend at Roman and Remus’ house, and Janus, Logan and Virgil were supposed to be meeting them there for a movie night that Patton insisted on every Sunday.

They would take it in turns to host the movie nights. Virgil and Logan’s dorm, Patton and Janus’ dorm and then Remus and Roman’s house.

Janus arrived around half an hour earlier than he was supposed to, but… he wasn’t used to being away from Patton for a whole weekend. Was it entirely healthy? Probably not. Did he care? Also no. He was just worried. Patton was alone with a boyfriend for two whole days — sure, Remus was there, but Remus was Roman’s brother, he wouldn’t step in; they never stepped in.

He knocked on the door with a tense fist, clenched tightly to halt the trembling.

It opened a second later, and Remus stood there, beaming. “Jay! You’re early!”

“Don’t call me that. Where’s Patton?”

“In the living room. Head on in, I’m gonna go… well, I think that’s TMI, don’t you? BRB!” Remus turned around and ran down the hall as Janus scoffed in disgust. He walked in, slamming the door behind him.

“Patton?”

“Oh! Hi, Jan. you’re early!”

Janus reached the main room and froze. Patton was sitting on the dining table, grinning at him. “I missed you! How was your weekend?”

“What happened to—”

“Patton, mon cheri, I found it!” Roman’s voice boomed. Janus watched Patton jump and turn slightly to the kitchen as Roman came out, holding a bag of frozen chicken nuggets. “I am so, so sorry, sweetheart, truly I am.”

Janus stared at him as he pressed the bag to Patton’s purple, swollen eye. He stared as Patton smiled at him, murmuring reassurances of forgiveness, promises that it wasn’t his fault. And Janus saw red. He saw red, and he saw Patton at fourteen, tears in his eyes, and then at sixteen, cast on his arm and then eighteen and nineteen and twenty and now, again, eye swollen just like the first time, and this would be the last time Janus let anyone hurt him and just say by and watched.

He was across the room before he even realised he’d moved, shoving Roman away from his best friend and against the wall.

“Don’t you fucking touch him,” Janus roared.

“Janus!” Patton screamed. “What are you doing, get off him!”

Footsteps thundered down the stairs as Patton stood in front of him, pushing him back with wide eyes. Arms wrapped around his chest and tugged, and he let go of Roman as Remus shoved him backwards.

“What the fuck, Janus?” Roman yelled.

Patton stepped towards him and shushed his boyfriend. “Jay, what’s— what? What was that? You’ve never, you’re not— what’s going on with you right now?”

Janus didn’t take his eyes off Roman, chest heaving as he panted with rage. “I’m sick of it. I’m sick of— of this. I’m not gonna just sit around and watch another fucking scumbag hurt you.”

“What? Jay, he didn’t hurt me. The black eye was an accident.”

“Oh, sure it was! Just like always! Just a silly little accident, won’t happen again!”

Patton teared up, frowning at Janus confusedly. “It was, Jay! I wouldn’t lie—”

“You wouldn’t lie about it? You always do! You always say that, Patton! Every single fucking time! Oh, you break your arm the same night Danny broke up with you? Haha, what a coincidence! The bruise that just happened to be the exact same shape as Keith’s stupid ring? How funny is that! What a cool bruise! Fucking— Fucking Jason meant to hit the fucking wall and your face was just in the way.” Janus’ voice was cracking now, tears streaming down his face. “And it’s not your fault, Pat, that’s what they do. And it works every time, and it’s not your fault, and I don’t— I don’t want you to apologise to me for defending him, I get it, it’s what they do, but please, Patton—” He sobbed, and screwed his eyes shut, tearing his hands out of Patton’s and pressing them into his eyes. “Let me help you this time, Pat. I can’t just sit and watch people hurt you anymore. Please, let me help you.”

Patton’s breath shook as he inhaled deeply. “Roman, Remus,” he whispered. “Can you go upstairs while Jay and I… talk? For the first time in our entire lives, apparently.”

Janus still has his eyes closed, but he heard a murmur of assent and two pairs of footsteps walking away.

“Janus? Can you look at me, sweetheart? Please?”

Janus opened his eyes, but didn’t meet Patton’s own. He was… so stupid. So, so stupid, making this about himself, when Patton was right there with tears in the eye that wasn’t swollen shut. And Janus just let Roman walk away, again, just like he always did.

“Jay. Look at me. Please, Jan.”

He did as he was asked, tearing his eyes away from the wall. Patton looked… so, so sad. But he wasn’t scared like he usually was when Janus found out.

“Janus, I need you to listen to everything that I have to say and not interrupt me, okay?” His voice was shaking, but he sounded so confident. So firm. Janus nodded, small sobs still escaping him. “Okay. I… come and sit down, okay?” He nodded again, and Patton hesitated for just a second before grabbing his hand and leading him to the couch. He sat down, and Janus followed. “Jay, I… god. I had… I had no idea what I was doing to you, Jay, I’m so sorry.”

Janus looked at him and frowned, shaking his head.

“No, no, you said you’d let me talk. Please, let me finish.” Janus clamped his mouth closed again, and Patton cradled his cheeks in his hands, wiping his tears away with the pads of his thumbs. “Okay. I’ve been hurting you for years, and I am so, so very sorry for that. I never meant to, and I know that you know that, and I am so sorry.” Patton’s breath hitched and he pulled his hand away from Janus for just long enough to wipe his own eyes, and then his hands were on Jay’s cheeks again. “You’ve been looking after me since we were little kids. And I haven’t been letting you, and that hurt you. You didn’t— You weren’t— I lied. To you. Over and over and over again. Every single time I had a boyfriend that hit me, and it— that happened a lot — I would lie to you. And you knew it was a lie every single time but you pretended not to so you could protect me. Jan, I… I had a bad time. We both know I did. And you were there the whole time. You were with me the whole time and I never… I never did anything to help you.”

Janus finally snapped out of the fog in his mind and shook his head violently. “You didn’t have to! You were the one suffering, not me, I was fine!”

“This isn’t fine, Jay! You’re not. And I never realised, and I should have and I am so… so sorry. Yes, I was… I was suffering. I kept getting into bad situations and bad relationships and never doing anything to stop it, and I’m working through that and I know it wasn’t my fault. But I had you the whole time to support me, and I will… I’ll always owe you for that. Honestly, I probably owe you my life for that, Janus. But I never supported you back, and I should have. And you don’t trust me anymore—”

“No, no, no, I trust you! Don’t— Don’t say that, I do, I’d trust you with anything—”

“Hey, it’s okay! I’m not mad, Jan, you have every right to not trust me. And I know that you don’t. Even if— even if you haven’t realised that you don’t just yet. It’s alright. I spent years lying to you whenever you asked me a question. That was bound to affect you, Jan. but I need you to listen to me now. I need you to believe me. Roman didn’t hurt me. I’m gonna tell you what happened to my eye and I need you to trust me, okay?”

Janus clenched his jaw. He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes again, nodding.

“I was trying to get some plates down. From, y’know they keep them in the top cupboard? Yeah, well, I forgot that Remus keeps all of his weird experiment oven trays under the plates. And honestly, I shouldn’t have been trying to get them in the first place, it was stupid, but I managed to get them and then the— one of the pans fell, and—” He laughed. “It sounds so unlikely, and I get it if you don’t believe me, but the corner of it got me right in the eye, and…” He shrugged. “Roman was apologising that much because he offered to get the plates for me, but I insisted. He thought it was his fault for not warning me about the trays, or not getting them himself.”

Janus stared at him, fresh tears leaking out of his eyes. “You promise? You promise me he didn’t hurt you.”

Patton’s face crumpled and he leaned forward to wrap his arms around Janus’ neck. “I swear, Jay. Swear on— on everything. On my life, on yours, I don’t care. I promise. He never hurt me. And, Jay, I’m… I’m not who I was back then. I know, now, if someone hurts me, it’s not… it’s not anything I’m doing wrong. I know I need to tell people now. I know that I can. Dr Picani and I are working on it, and I’m getting better. And Janus, I promise you. I promise you… I will. I will tell you if it happens again. I swear.”

Janus buried his face in Patton’s shoulder, vision blurry and throat closed up. He closed his eyes and nodded. “Okay,” he whispered.

Later, Roman and Remus would come back down, and Janus would apologise for jumping to conclusions. Later, Virgil and Logan would arrive, and Patton and Janus would apologise to them all and excuse themselves, both too tired for now to socialise anymore than they had already. Later, they would lie together on Patton’s bed, researching something called second-hand trauma and they would talk about it, book Janus an appointment with Picani.

Janus took a moment to hide his shock at the scene, and at Patton’s reaction to him. (What, had he thought the moral side would come running into his arms for comfort? He was being ridiculous.)

“Give that here, you imbecile,” Janus said, taking the bottle from Patton’s hands and pouring himself a glass. There was no bite behind his words, at least not in a meaningful way. He’d lost his edge. “So, you’re just up for fun, I assume?”

“Hm,” Patton failed to respond. “Are you going to stay up?”

“I’m sure I’ll be back to bed in a moment.”

“That sounds like a lie.”

“How out-of-character that would be for me,” Janus smiled.

Patton half-smiled back. “You wanna watch something?”

“What do you have in mind?”

“A documentary on Greek philosophers.”

Janus frowned at the dry film Patton pulled up. “You think you’ll enjoy this?”

“I think it’ll be boring as fuck,” he said, casually. Janus turned to him in mild shock, while he simply yawned. “But Logan wanted me to watch it. Maybe it’ll be more interesting with you.”

Janus nodded, careful to hide his smile behind his glass.

•••

The movie was, as Patton had so eloquently predicted, boring as fuck. Also, quite hazy by the end, due to all the wine. They had been quiet near the beginning, but by the end they were talking over everything in hushed whispers and even a laugh from Patton, every so often.

The next day, when Janus walked in on breakfast, he swore Patton’s smile changed. From a brittle, stiff form--forced in the tense atmosphere--to something more relaxed. Relieved.

“Oh, hiya, Janus! There’s a seat here if you wanna stay,” Patton patted the chair beside him.

Janus stayed.

•••

“...Janus is right.”

“Of course,” Virgil scoffed.

It was the first whole group discussion they’d had since the… wedding fiasco. And while Virgil didn’t seem surprised by Patton’s words, Janus most certainly was.

“Obviously, I am. I knew you would agree, Patton,” Janus lied.

Patton was too preoccupied to do anymore than hum at Janus’ statement, all concerned glances over at Roman. Ugh, Roman. Still all mopey after the last video, he was currently staring determinedly at the floor. Him and Patton should have let all of that go by now--the past was the past. Hadn’t they learnt about moving on?

“Are you sure, Patton?” Thomas asked. “I’ve always gone to this event before. And, I’ve always made it through--”

Patton shook his head. “You know there will be family members there who don’t respect you. And who choose not to learn. I know I’ve always been the one to say they deserve your love anyway, but… I don’t know if they do.”

All of the sides stood in shock for a moment. Janus schooled away a proud look. 

Logan was the first to speak, slowly nodding. “...Yes, well, Patton does bring up an interesting point. Thomas, you tend to give people the ‘benefit-of-the-doubt’, which can be a good thing, and has led to you improving relationships in the past. However, if the other people are actively refusing to learn, no progress can ever be made. And so the effort would be for naught.”

In no time flat, Thomas was coming to his big realization about not owing certain people certain things, yada yada yada, doing the outro, yada yada yada. Janus was about to sink out, with that new, odd, and decidedly wonderful vindication that he was right, when--

“Deceit, wait.”

Janus sighed, audibly, and made sure to put on his most sardonic smile. “Yes, Virgil?”

“What exactly do you think you’re doing?”

“You’ll have to be a little more specific, dear.”

“Don’t--” Virgil grit his teeth and huffed out a breath. “With Patton, I mean.”

“Hm. Really, Virgil, I wish I knew what you were referring to, but--”

“Oh, cut the bullshit!” He finally snapped. “I don’t know what you’ve been playing at with him, if you think you really like him, but you’re just gonna do to him what you did to Roman.” 

Janus cringed at that, though he tried not to. Virgil knew just how to get to him. “Well. Thank you for this conversation, Virgil. I’ll be considering it deeply,” he said sarcastically, before sinking out. Though, it wasn’t as much of a lie as he would have liked.

•••

“Janus? What are you doing?”

Patton had found him pacing around the living room. And he hadn’t even had enough time to mask his aggravated expression when the moral side entered.

“Dishes,” he replied sourly.

“Right,” Patton said. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“I’ve used that one enough to see through it.” He joked, smiling bittersweetly. It was such a sincere look he was giving, so ready to comfort. Janus wasn’t used to it. Whether the ‘it’ was sincerity or comfort he couldn’t say.

“It’s just--I don’t see why I should have to apologize to him,” Janus spat out.

Patton came over to the couch, motioning for Janus to join him. He did.

“Virgil?” Patton asked. Janus looked away. “...Ah. Roman.”

“He shouldn't have laughed at my name!”

“Yes,” Patton nodded slowly. “We've all done things we shouldn’t’ve.”

“...Are you implying something?”

Patton raised a brow. “Calling two sides evil for the price of one?”

“Oh, please,” Janus scoffed. “You’ve always thought Remus was evil.”

“...Yes. And I’m learning why that’s wrong,” he admitted.

That gave Janus a pause, but he quickly disregarded his surprise. “Well, I already reminded you, Roman started it.”

“No, he didn’t.” Patton looked away. He took a deep breath in, silent for a beat too long. “...I did. A long time ago.”

Janus narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I told him he was dishonorable to side with you. That treating you as more than a villain was evil.” Each word sounded like it pained him. Each a confession, although Janus had been witness to all of it. “It’s all always been my fault.” Tears silently began to fall down his cheeks. He blinked, as if to somehow subtly dispel them, but they only fell harder. 

And, oh.

Oh no.

Janus really didn’t want to do this next part.

It would be so easy to let Patton believe that. He could even comfort the side, tell him he was forgiven, help him through--all without revealing anything. 

Save himself. It was what he was built for.

“Patton… it wasn’t all your fault, per say.” Patton glanced up at him, confused, and it was his turn to look away. “I quite blatantly flattered Roman. I manipulated him, used him--whatever you want to call it. All because I wanted his favor in... that case.”

“Well, I already knew--”

“Except, it wasn’t just that case,” Janus rushed out before he could lose his nerve. “It started when I first revealed myself to Thomas, remember? Really, I just wanted to test the waters, at first. See what I could get away with, and who I could get away with it with.”

Patton had a blank look as he sorted through his memory. “ ‘Love the outfit, Roman,’” he finally quoted.

“...Indeed,” Janus sighed. “It became clear that Roman would be the easiest to get to. Which makes sense from his need-of-praise mixed with lack-of-praise. And he is the romantic side. And I just knew, one day it would be useful if he was…somewhat biased, so if…”

“If you and him were a little… friendly?” Patton finished, sadly. Disappointedly. 

Janus nodded. Then, quickly, he rushed to add, “I mean, nothing that bad! I didn’t kiss him. We were never dating. I just may have implied--”

Patton’s face changed from disappointed, then. To something else. Something worse.“Right. No. Of course,” Patton said. “Not that bad at all.”

That lie from Patton’s tongue ached in Janus’s chest for the rest of the day.

***

Remus wasn’t in their side of the mindscape when Janus returned to it. Which he didn’t make too much of, sulking around and rewatching Good Place episodes, until Remus skipped in covered in… blood? No. Much more unusual--red paint.

“What have you been up to then, hm?” Janus asked, as polite as he was disinterested.

“Painting with Pat! Drawing with Daddy! Look!” He shoved a messy, still drying canvas in Janus’s arms. It was a finger painting of mutilated arm, rather tame for him, but perhaps that was because he made it with--

“Patton?”

“That’s what I said! Geez, who stole your ears? Oh, wait, was it me? That sounds like me. But, of course, it doesn’t sound like anything to you!” He cackled.

“I still have my ears, you gremlin,” he hissed. “But you’re right, there’s nothing for me to be surprised about, since you and Patton are on such great terms.”

“Exactly!” Remus confirmed. “Wow, you heard about it quick, JJ! It was just this afternoon, he came up with those pouty puppy eyes, gushing apologies, asking me to be his wittle fwiend~” he batted his eyelashes mockingly. Heat rose in Janus’s chest at that, and he almost lept to defend Patton, embarrassingly, but luckily Remus continued before he could. 

“Which, was kinda stupid; guy made it sound like he had committed war crimes against me or some shit. Like, yeah, dude was a dick to me; I was a dick to him. That was meant to be our whole dynamic! Now whenever I scare him--what?--I’ll feel guilty, who wants that?! I liked being enemies. But maybe I’ll like being friends more.” He shrugged. “Time will tell, right? That’s a great idea, actually. I’m gonna go make some clocks that just scream every hour. Oo, or every minute! Yeah, that. Seeya, Janny Fanny!”

Janus gaped, left uncomprehending, while Remus sped off.

He tried to imagine it--Remus. With Patton. Chatting, smiling, joking. Remus would, of course, be able to bring much more reckless fun to the father figure than he might otherwise go for. Patton might enjoy some of Remus’s more childish humor. In an odd, backwards way they made a sort of sense.

The image made Janus’s blood boil. He should have been pleased for them. He knew that, but it didn’t help. And--what? Had Janus thought he was special? Fancied himself the singular, blessed demon chosen by an angel? Patton’s new bestest buddy?

No. He should’ve known that was never on the table. As it turned out, Patton was simply being polite to everyone now. That didn’t mean Janus had changed in his mind. It didn’t mean Janus had changed at all.

He was a villain. He had been going about this all wrong, trying to be more than he was made for. He needed to remember that.

***

“How the tables table, huh?”

“That is how the phrase goes,” Janus remarked dryly as Patton took a seat by him. Janus offered him the wine bottle, but he put a hand up and shook his head. 

“Well, at least I’m not crying,” Janus sneered. 

“No, wouldn’t want to ruin your dignity like me, right?” Patton half-joked. Half-joke, half-smile, half-truth. Nothing Patton did went full way. “Wanna talk about it?”

Janus scoffed, and went back to nursing his drink.

“Right,” Patton frowned. “Listen--Janus, I wanted to apologize. ...Again,” he added, with a half-laugh. Half-laugh, half-hurt. Whatever. “I shouldn’t have gotten so judgmental earlier. Morality and judgement tend to go hand in hand, even when they shouldn’t. And I got defensive on Roman’s behalf too,” he admitted. Janus grit his teeth, glaring at the wooden counter. Defensive over Roman. Friends with Remus. “Look--I’ve done bad stuff too. I had no place to judge you now, when it’s clear you have now learned.”

Janus laughed, suddenly, bitterly, at that. “Oh, have I, now?” 

Patton blinked, tilting his head. “...Yes?”

Janus rolled his eyes, and downed the end of his glass. “Listen, Morality, I’m not like you. I don’t need to go on some learning spree, down the path of beautiful ethics and self-improvement. I’m not meant to be a little, lovely side. Maybe learning my name made you forget; I’m Deceit.You heard Thomas yourself--I’m a flaw. So, I don’t do guilt. I don’t plan on too much learning. And I definitely won’t be spewing out apologies, like some sides I know,” he bit out each word. He wanted to make Patton leave. Maybe cry. Make him realize what Janus really was. But he just sat there with that stupid, sincere, concerned gaze.

“I’m not built for it!” Janus continued, growing more frantic at the lack of reaction. “...I can’t.”

Janus shoved his hand to his mouth in an attempt to cover the first sob, but it was too late. Soon his shoulders were shaking, his head in his hands, breaths unsteady. There were warm arms around his back, pulling him against a cardigan-clad chest, soothing whispers in his ears. He realized his hat had been taken off as he felt fingers run through his hair. 

“Janus,” Patton began softly, moving back slightly so that Janus could meet his eyes. “That sounded like a lot of lies to me.”

Janus shook his head firmly, fumbling to pull his gloves off and put his hands up. “Patton, I swear, that is the truth!”

Patton looked at him for a long moment. Then, he reached his hands out, and slowly took Janus’s. Janus let him. “You can lie to yourself, you know,” he said softly.

Janus’s eyes burned, and he had to force himself not to spill over the edge again. He was hyper-aware of their contact, now. The warmth of Patton’s skin against his was intoxicating.

Patton looked down at their hands too. He squeezed them lightly, a 3 beat pattern. “They’re so cold,” he frowned.

“Are they, now?” Janus aimed for sarcastic, but it came out unsteady. 

“Mhm.”

They were quiet for a long time. Unmoving. As if a word, a breath, could break them apart. 

“I’ll apologize,” Janus said finally.

“To Roman?”

“...Yes,” Janus agreed. “And to you.”

“What for?”

Janus looked down at their intertwined hands, waited for Patton to follow his gaze. “The things I want.”

“Oh,” Patton breathed. He rubbed his thumb along the back of Janus’s hand. “I… don’t think the things we want are so different anymore.”

“Hey Pat! It’s Thomas,” came the cheery response. Patton quickly pulled out a kitchen chair, sitting down with a smile to listen. “I wanted to call in to see how you’re doing!”

“Thomas! I’m doing great,” Patton said, glancing around the messy apartment. “Just so peachy! But what about you? How’ve you been kiddo?”

“Great! This campus is incredible, and I’ve made so many new friends. There’s these students named Jamaal and Talyn, and they’ve been showing me all the best places to hang out. I love it here!” Thomas said.

Patton’s heart sank a little. In less than three weeks, Thomas had made two new friends. Patton hadn’t made one single friend since he and Thomas had gotten an apartment, and that record hadn’t changed when Thomas left for school. He felt jealous, and he felt guilty for feeling jealous. He should be happy for his baby brother. “Well I’m real glad you’ve been settling in alright. Have you been eating well? Taking good care of yourself?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve been uh, all up on the home cooking and stuff! Totally not just getting pizza every week,” Thomas said sheepishly. “I’ll make good food once I’m caught up on homework and I get around to unpacking!”

“Promise?” Patton said, putting a hand on his hip and pouting. “Don’t make me march right on down there to cook and clean for you, mister!”

Thomas laughed, and hearing him so happy eased Patton’s worries a bit. “Alright, alright! I’ll take care of myself, I promise. So how have you been?”

“Well, I—“

There was the sound of someone shouting on the other end, and Thomas cut him off. “Oops, that’s Talyn! I forgot we had class. Sorry Pat, I’ve got to go! Catch up with you later!” Thomas hung up, and the phone went quiet.

Patton sighed, bowing his head. “Buh-bye Thomas,” he said, even though the call had already ended. “Have fun at class. Love you.” He set the phone down on the table and leaned back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling.

He’d basically raised Thomas for the last few years. Between that and working two jobs, he’d been too busy to make friends or relax. Now, Thomas didn’t need him. That was bittersweet in and of itself, but it also meant that Patton had time to himself, and no one to share it with. After spending so many years worried about himself and his brother, Patton wasn’t even sure he knew how to make friends anymore. He tried, sure, but whenever he tried to greet someone he ended up tongue-tied and anxious.

Now that Thomas was all grown up, Patton was alone.

He shot off a quick text to Thomas, just a brief “Good luck!!!” with a string of heart emojis that looked far more cheerful that Patton felt. It’d probably be a few hours, or maybe all day before Thomas texted back. He was busy with college. He had a bright future. It wasn’t fair to hold him back.

Patton shook his head as if he could shake the bad thoughts right out. Thomas wasn’t the only one who was going to have an exciting new future. He put his phone away and stood up, stepping back into the kitchen proper.

He grabbed the box of matches he’d left out on the counter, kneeling down and striking a match. Slowly, he lit each of the colorful scented candles. They were all bright, and a few had cute patterns like flowers or puppy faces colored into the wax. The probably weren’t the right kind of candles for demon summoning, but they sure did smell nice. Once he’d lit the thirteenth and final candle, Patton blew out the match. He tossed it in the sink and washed the tiny smudges of ash that had fallen on his fingers.

Next, he picked up the library book in his left hand, trying to orient himself at the bottom of the circle, just outside the chalk and candles. Patton checked the instructions again. “Oh! A glass bowl, I almost forgot.”

He opened his cupboards and grabbed a tupperware bowl. It was transparent, so it was probably close enough, right? Figuring it’d do well enough, Patton leaned over to set it inside the chalk summoning circle, roughly in the middle.

Patton glanced at the library book again. “Okay, that’s pretty much everything! Looks close enough,” he said, feeling rather satisfied. Now the less fun part. He lifted his right hand to his mouth, biting down on the tip of his thumb. He flinched, but he tightened his grip until his skin just barely broke. He’d though this would be less scary than a knife, but maybe that wouldn’t have hurt as much. He leaned over, shaking his thumb until a few drops of blood fell from the tiny cut, into the tupperware bowl.

While he started reading the chant written in the book, he fumbled to wrap a spongebob bandaid around his thumb. “Okay… um, Bestias inferni, maledictus erit nomen tuum,” he read aloud. Suddenly, the kitchen lights flickered, then went out. Only the candles lit the room. A power outage?

By the candlelight, he could still make out the pages of the library book well enough to read. “Cadit regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas tua, sicut in terris inferos.” The ground beneath Patton’s feet seemed to shake. The flames of the candles burned unnaturally bright, the color of their glow shifting from a fiery red to an unnatural, sickly yellow. Patton tried to keep his footing, tightening his grip on the book.

Patton swallowed the bile in his throat. “D–da hodie in servum vilem!” He said, his voice raising to a shout. The lines of chalk began to glow, shining with a golden light that pooled on the ground like a puddle of spilled water. As if a window had been thrown open, wind whipped through the tiny kitchen apartment.

“Et peccatis vestris daturum nobis, ut nos accipere debitum tuum,” Patton stammered, trying to rush through the last few lines. “Referte ad me, et libera me ad malum tentationis in unum.” The golden light burst outward, blindingly bright, so powerful Patton’s eyes burned even when he squeezed them shut. “Quia tuum est regnum et potestas et gloria in saecula… saeculorum!”

There was a burst of force, knocking the library book from Patton’s hands and knocking him to the ground. The intense light began to fade, and Patton sat up, rubbing his head with a whimper. “Ow…” His eyes slowly began to adjust, taking in his dim kitchen, the candles still faintly glowing. Had it not worked? But as his eyes finally cleared up, he could see a tall figure standing in the circle, right behind the tupperware bowl.

The figure was a tall, beautiful man, dressed in all black except for the simple yellow dress shirt beneath his cloak and the matching yellow band around his bowler hat. A pair of curled black horns sat on either side of his head just below the hat, framing his pale face. One cheek was marred in golden scales that shimmered in the candlelight. The man glanced about the kitchen with an unreadable poker face, any expressions hidden, but the sense of power and confidence utterly overwhelming.

“You,” the man said, looking down at Patton with a cold appraising stare. “Are you the mortal who summoned me to this place?” he asked, a faint hiss in his tone.

Patton quickly got to his feet, wiping his hands off on his hands. “Ah, sorry, didn’t mean to fall over! Yep, I’m Patton!” he said, trying to hide his mix of awe and terror. He hurried over to the cooling rack and got down the cake, slicing it into even portions. He set a hefty slice on a plate and grabbed a fork, putting them in the demon’s hands. “Eat as much as you like! It’s too much cake for two people anyway,” he encouraged, grabbing a slice for himself too.”

The demon opened his mouth to speak, but then the electric kettle began to beep, so Patton rushed over there. He poured the kettle into the two mugs he’d set out, looking over his shoulder at the demon. “Do you want sugar and cream in your coffee?” he asked, pouring a generous helping of sugar in his own mug.

The demon narrowed his eyes. “Why did you summon me here?” he said, taking a step towards Patton. “You do know what I am, don’t you?”

“Of course!” Patton said, setting down his mug. “But it seems rude to get right into that sort of thing. I thought we could have introductions and small talk over coffee! But if coffee isn’t your cup of tea—“

“No, give it here. No sugar,” the demon said quickly. Patton handed over the mug, then started blowing on his own coffee to cool it down. The demon didn’t wait, emptying the steaming hot mug in a few quick gulps. “Let’s get to business, mortal. I’m rather pressed for time.”

Patton grinned. “Pressed for time? Well don’t be bitter, it’d be better latte than never!”

The demon raised an eyebrow, a sly smile crossing his features. “Spill the beans. If you want my help, you must first ask for it.”

Patton set his mug down, hurrying over to pick up his library book. A few of the edges were burnt and crispy, but the cover and pages were in tact. Still, that would probably be a fine. He quickly opened the book back up to the page on demonic contracts. “Okay! So, it says when making a contract with a demon, you have to start by exchanging names! We can use them to call on each other so neither of us can just run out on the deal. I already told you I’m Patton. What can I call you?” he asked brightly.

The demon paused for a moment, then smirked. “You may call me Deceit,” he said.

“Is that your name?” Patton said curiously. “I thought demons had big fancy biblical names and stuff. Are you really called Deceit?”

“It is my professional title. It will allow you to call upon me, while still affording me a level of… privacy,” the demon said, folding his arms. “Does that suffice?”

Patton shrugged. “I mean, if it still works the same way, I can call you that! Or Dee, oh, that’d be cute! Can I call you Dee?” he asked brightly.

Deceit tilted his head to the side, as if considering Patton carefully. “You know, most people willing to summon servants of hell aren’t so cheerful and warm.” Amusement shone in his eyes. “So what sort of nasty secrets are you hiding?”

Patton frowned, not sure if he should be hurt of not by the question. “I don’t have evil secrets. I like to be honest with people! Besides, you didn’t answer my question,” he argued.

Deceit narrowed his eyes, his bemusement turning irritated. “No. I am not a little animal to be given a silly nickname. I will not be called ‘Dee.’”

“Awww,” Patton said, a bit disappointed. Well, maybe he could come up with a nickname Deceit would like? “Okay, well, the book says after names are traded, I should ask you to make an offer! So uh… make an offer please!”

The demon’s self-satisfied smirk returned, and he bent over so he and Patton could be eye-to-eye. “I can give you anything you desire. I can make you the most beautiful, most famous man in the world. You could be disgustingly wealthy, unspeakably powerful. I can give the reigns to any government of any nation, I can give you the power to fell armies, and I can give you enough gold to buy your own castle. Anything you wish, I can speak into existence. I can make you… a god.”

“No thanks! I don’t need that stuff,” Patton said, offering Deceit a friendly smile. “Okay, so, it says that the most common payments for demons are your soul, or the soul of your firstborn kid! I don’t think it’d be fair to sell somebody else’s soul, and I’m gay anyway, so the firstborn thing is off the table. So, my soul then?”

Deceit cocked his head to the side, eyeing Patton with fascination. “Awfully cavalier with giving up your soul. For most deals, that’s a bit of a… hard sell.”

Patton waved his hand dismissively. “If that’s the price you want, then I can work with it. It’d be worth it.” He tucked the book under his arm, grabbing his mug and slice of cake. “Do you want to continue this in my living room? It’s small, but we can sit on the couch instead of standing around?”

“Oh I would absolutely love too,” Deceit said. “Let me just follow you over there.”

“Okay!” Patton said brightly. He turned and walking into the living room, setting his mug and cake on the coffee table. He waited for a second, but Deceit didn’t follow. Patton frowned, poking his head back into the kitchen. “Hey, didn’t you say you were coming?”

Deceit, still standing within the circle of dirt, seemed unimpressed. “I was speaking sarcastically,” he said, motioning to the floor. “I can’t leave this circle until the deal is completed. Did your little book not mention that crucial detail?”

Patton’s cheeks burned pink. “Well, it probably did, but I just kinda skimmed the important bits! To be honest I didn’t expect to get this far anyway. I don’t really know anyone with demon summoning experience!”

Deceit glanced at the plate of cake in his hand, then at cartoon stickers on the fridge, then back at Patton himself. “Really?” he drawled “I never would have guessed, you do seem like such an expert on the matter.”

Patton pouted, crossing his arms. “Well you’ve probably never summoned a demon either mister pointy horns! Unless, uh, maybe that’s how demon’s talk to each other? Maybe. That’s not the point!” He paused, unsure of what exactly the point was. Maybe he really should have planned out this discussion a bit more than just summoning a demon and giving him cake and coffee.

“Now, I do love spending all day in urban nowhere, but I have a dentist’s appointment at five,” Deceit drawled, using his fork to cut his cake slice into bite-sized pieces. “You don’t want beauty, power, fame and wealth. Generally those are the ones mortals come to my sort for,” he said. “Is it immortality? It’s immortality isn’t it. We don’t do that anymore, Hell-wide policy. When their souls get collected their body still doesn’t die and honestly? It’s icky.”

“It’s not immortality!” Patton insisted. “Actually it’s… a people problem.”

Deceit nodded sagely, stabbing his fork into a bite of cake. “Ahhh, I see what you’re getting at. You want me to kill someone. Or make them fall in love with you. Or both, the night’s still young.”

“No!” Patton shouted, flustered at even the thought of getting someone killed. “That’d be awful, I’d never do that. I don’t want you hurting people or anything. I just… I want friends.”

Deceit’s eyebrows drew together, deep in thought. “Political friends?” he asked.

Patton shook his head. “No! Not like, big important political friends, or magic friends or anything. I already said I don’t care about power. I just want people who like me! People I can watch movies with and hang out with.”

Deceit began pacing the edge of the rather small summoning circle. “I could brainwash this entire city into wanting to be your closest friend,” he said.

Patton crossed his arms. “No brainwashing! I want real friends, the real way!”

“You’re kidding me, right?” Deceit said, rubbing his eyes. “Just go talk to other humans. Why in all the Hells would you summon a demon to help you make friends? What about my job description made you think I’d be any help?”

Patton puffed out his cheeks. “Well, you are kinda suave and cool! I dunno if it’s a demon thing or just you, but you could teach me that! Or just help me stay calm, so I don’t get nervous!”

“You are literally giving a demon your soul,” Deceit snapped. “At the end of the deal, your soul belongs to me. You’re going to be trapped in the underworld for eternity. And you’re agreeing to that so you can ‘hang out’ with some people?”

A moment of silent passed. Patton cleared his throat. “Okay well maybe it’s not the best way but I already tried a bunch of other stuff and this was the last thing I came up with.”

Deceit rolled his eyes, removing the silken glove from his right hand. “Fine. I don’t know why I’m trying to talk you out of it anyway. This is all the better for me. I help you find friends, and once you’ve had, say, five months being rather close, I claim your soul. Are you happy with that?”

Patton shrugged, offering his own freckly hand. “Sure! So long as they like me and I like them!” he said.

Unlike Patton, Deceit did, for a moment, hesitate. But then they joined hands and the pact was sealed. Patton winced, his palm burning beneath Deceit’s touch. When he pulled away, there was a faint white burn on his hand, a sigil in the shape of a two-headed snake.

“Now, I trust you did read the entirety of that book, including what happens after the pact is formed?” Deceit said, though his tone shared none of the certainty of his words.

Patton’s face burned with embarrassment. “Uh. You hang around and help me?” he said unhelpfully.

Deceit sighed, pulling the glove back over his hand. “More or less. If I am further that thirty feet away from you, I will be sent back to the underworld until you call on me again. You call on me by pressing my sigil and saying my name,” he said, motioning to the burn on Patton’s hand. “Whilst in public I can take a less… conspicuous form, in order to aid you without drawing unwanted attention. I cannot directly harm you or any other human while under this pact… though there’s nothing keeping me from more clever means of causing trouble.”

“Please don’t,” Patton said awkwardly.

Deceit flickered his long snake-like tongue at Patton, pouting. “Oh boo, don’t be a buzzkill. You’re the one who summoned a demon.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong about that.

But Patton wasn’t entirely clueless. He knew that trading his life for a few friends was a heavy price. He knew it was probably stupid, he knew Thomas would be so upset if he found out. He knew.

He had his reasons.

Patton was about to ask a few more questions about their new arrangements when a small buzz went off on his phone. He glanced at it, and his heart stuttered.

“Oh shoot! I didn’t realize it was Saturday!” he said, scrambling to throw plastic wrap over the cake and shove the demon-summoning book under his arm. “I’m so sorry!”

Deceit raised an eyebrow, watching Patton rush around the kitchen. “What exactly has you so worked up?”

“I forgot this book’s overdue at the library!” Patton said, grabbing his shoes and awkwardly trying to wiggle them on with his hands full. “I keep turning stuff in late, I don’t want the librarians to be mad at me!” “Is it really that time-sensitive?” Deceit said. “You can’t wait an hour?”

Patton shook his head. “If I wait I’ll forget, I always do! I’m so sorry, you can come with me! We can start on the whole friends thing!” Once both shoes were on, he sprinted to the apartment door. He glanced back, but Deceit wasn’t following. Was his sneaky form completely invisible?

“Come back here and let me out of the goddamn summoning circle, you unprofessional amateur!”

Oops.

Patton sprinted back to the kitchen, blowing out a few candles and kicking some of the salt circle aside. “Okay come on, there’s no time to lose!” he said, and immediately took off to the door again.

“It’s an overdue book, truly, the highest priority,” Deceit said, putting a hand over the door before Patton could unlock it. “Don’t go out yet. If I am going to accompany you, we can’t just walk out with me looking like… this,” he said, gesturing to his own face. “Hold out your hand.”

Patton paused, then held out his free hand, palm facing up. He shot Deceit a quizzical look, not entirely sure how this helped.

The demon’s bones began to shift beneath his skin, his eyes flashing and his form changed. It was oddly mesmerizing, but Patton decided it was also kind of gross to watch. And then—

Plop! A yellow corn snake appeared where Deceit had been, and dropped into Patton’s open hand.

Patton squealed in delight, his library rush briefly forgotten. “Oh my goodness! You’re so cute!” he cooed, gently stroking the tiny snake’s head with his finger. “Look at your little snake snoot!”

He could hear Deceit’s voice, though it sounded faint and muffled, like it was coming from inside his own skull. “Do continue patronizing me, certainly being non-venomous means I would never bite,” the demon grumbled. The little corn snake form of Deceit slowly slithered up his arm, settling in a pocket in the cardigan around his shoulders. “In here, I will be unseen. No one will know you are not alone.”