I’m pretty sure that Chuck didn’t know about Cas’s empty deal because ma’lak box ending for moc!cas doesn’t make much sense when the deal was still on. They filmed both the deal and the moc scenes so they clearly intended to connect them somehow.
In chucks vision, Dean managed to put Cas into the ma’lak box. 1) Cas needed to enter the box on his own 2) He already knew about the box so they couldn’t have tricked him. So he went there knowingly and willingly. I’m imagining that happened after a post mass murder godstiel type of clarity where he was standing in the middle of dozens of bodies. And decided to take himself out.
But the empty deal was still on. It would make more sense if he summoned the empty instead. Becuse the thing is that Cas already knew what mark did to Lucifer and what he did during godstiel period. So no way he was planning to stick around with the mark on his arm. He took that mark knowing that he could summon the empty and that’s why he didn’t let Dean take it. It was a suicide mission.
The scene in my head goes something like this: After Cas becomes murderous, Dean goes to rebuild the ma’lak box, which was destroyed by Jack. Meanwhile, Cas has his Godstiel-clarity moment and realizes that he needs to end this like he had planned in the beginning. He goes to find Dean, who is working on the box, and tells him, “You don’t have to do that.” At this point, Dean is scared because well, Cas is unstable, so he goes, “Oh, this? No, this isn’t about you, buddy 😬 I’m just rebuilding it in case we may need it. For someone else, not you” Cas is, of course, unconvinced. He steps forward, and Dean is pretty sure Cas is about to kill him, when Cas instead confesses and does his whole despair monologue. So Dean listens like "wtf is happeing right now?" After the Empty takes Cas, he is left standing there, surrounded by the pieces of the box he was planning to put Cas in.
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cas should kill dean and bring him back during godstiel era or moc!cas au and dean should forgive him immediately like the moment he gets brought back he's like "i forgive you. i love you." and then cas kills him again preferably (and then they fuck nasty)
What if the Mark of Cain manifests differently when it's imprisoning God and not the Darkness? If the Darkness makes the Mark bearer go insane with unbridled want for destruction, then what does sealing God make you do?
An obsessive desire for creation? Creation to the point of corruption? (Think of the Shimmer from the film Annihilation. Continuous reproduction to the point of begetting alien, cancer-like entities. A refracted, distorted notion of creation.)
Okay, so canon divergence from The Trap. They successfully seal away Chuck, then Castiel bears the Mark. (Jack won't be back until later episodes, so he's not here yet.)
At first, they think he's fine. Cas says he's not feeling any bloodlust just yet. (He does feel a certain itch under his skin. Not a desire to murder, but a desire to do...something. He doesn't tell this to anyone.)
His grace is getting stronger, almost archangel-like (if not more). It's incredibly helpful for hunts, and Cas is happy to feel his wings healthy again after a long time. Sam is happy for him, but Dean is suspicious of things (especially since he's a previous Mark bearer).
After a while, Cas starts feeling...burdened, almost bloated by grace. (After all, he does have access to an infinite supply of it.) He needs to have an outlet for it.
Cas tells them so and Sam suggests healing people. Dean gives the green light on the condition that he remains invisible and he doesn't go Godstiel on them again.
It's a great outlet, and for the first few weeks they start feeling normal again. But unfortunately, healing stops being enough to relieve Cas of his excess grace anymore. The mass healings start to pile up all across the globe and it catches everyone's attention. Some think it's a blessed miracle, some think it's a sign of the end times. They make him slow down on the healings after that.
Without an outlet, however, Cas starts feeling antsy and pained. They brainstorm on possible alternatives. Cas suggests going to Heaven and saving it from collapse by healing his brethren's wings and creating more angels out of consenting souls in Heaven.
He explains Heaven's endangered and dwindling numbers. Sam agrees that it would hit two birds in one stone: relieve Cas from excess grace and prevent the extinction of angels. Dean doesn't like the idea of more winged dicks so he shoots down the idea. Eileen says that since Cas is the one in pain, he should be the one to decide.
Ultimately, Cas defers to Dean's judgment (as always). Sam protests, arguing that he can't just shoulder that pain. Cas replies: "I've suffered worse, Sam."
Cas doesn't complain about the pain for about a week, so for a while, everyone believes him when he said he can shoulder the pain. One day, Dean finds him outside the bunker, groaning in pain as he bleeds himself out, his grace pouring into the ground and sprouting plants. Dean sees this and is finally convinced to allow Cas to make more angels.
What follows then is a series of escalating events:
While Sam and Eileen are practicing their witchcraft for spell they need in a hunt, Cas suggests to enhance Sam's physical and magical abilities using his grace. "It will make the process faster and safer," he reasons. He agrees, but Dean eyes this suspiciously.
During one of their hunts, they encounter a young and freshly-turned vampire. The boy begs them not to kill him, and Cas gives him a proposal. "Promise not to feed on humans ever again and I shall cure you of your hungers and your pains. Pledge your allegiance to me and you shall never be afraid of yourself ever again." The boy agrees, and before Dean could even protest, Cas slices his palm and feeds the vampire his grace.
They argue about the grace-feeding in the Impala. Dean notices Sam's pointed lack of complaints and figures it out. "You're in on this, aren't you? How long has Cas been doing this? He's going Michael behind our backs and you're letting him?"
Sam argues that it's different because Cas isn't making super monsters; he's making them less "monstrous" (whatever that means). Sam's obsession with his own "purity" is key to understanding him here.
One time, Dean catches Cas in his "garden" ("forest" seems more apt with how lush the greens already are) creating butterflies and bees out of thin air using his grace alone.
Reports of the miraculously healed people suddenly gaining new abilities like increased strength, heightened senses, and prophecy start popping up. Some are experiencing phantom limbs, talking about their sprouting "wings."
Sam is becoming addicted to Cas' grace to the point that he willingly lets himself be hurt in hunts just so Cas can cure him. Dean confronts him about this, but Sam just argues that he's "never felt this pure before." Eileenn shares the same concern as Dean.
Hunts are becoming less frequent the more monsters are being "cleansed" by Cas. The world is becoming disconcertingly quiet.
Cas' "garden" is starting to emit this strange aura. The plants and creatures growing inside it are starting to look more...alien.
One of the original angels goes to Dean and tells him of Heaven's affairs. The Host is stable again, but the angels he created are...not exactly angels. They're graced up and they sustain Heaven, but their true forms are "horrifying and incomprehensible, even to an angel." The angel adds that more than 60% of Earth's creatures have already been touched by Cas' grace.
The final nail in the coffin is when Dean catches Cas in the garden fiddling with his angel blade. It's emitting a strange glow, vibrating a subtle hum and looking as if it's liquid, flowing and distorting here and there.
Dean asks him what he's holding. "Oh, this?" Cas responds. "This is the Last Blade. Last, not in terms of time but in concept, for no other blade shall ever compare to it. The spark of creation. Fiat lux."
Dean's heart sinks. Of course. The First and the Last, Alpha and Omega. "Cas...the Mark, I think i-it's scrambling your brain, man."
"I know," he replies, eyes wet and apologetic. It's a small moment of lucidity amidst weeks and months of...whatever that was.
"Okay, okay, so you're still you, that's... that's good. Okay." Dean doesn't know how to approach this. Give him a fight and he'll know what to do, but this? Watching his best friend, the love of his life, be distorted into something incomprehensible? Yeah, this is totally beyond him.
"You know, I used to hate Chuck," Cas says. "How could the Father of All Creation be this angry, petulant child? But," he continues, "knowing what I know now, it's either regressing into a petty child or being reduced to insanity."
"Cas...what are you talking about, man?"
"No mind should bear this burden, Dean. No matter how infinite they are," he says, voice trembling in exhaustion.
(more below the cut)
He continues. "The awareness of everything is the awareness of nothing at all. Imagine perceiving every possible piece of information about the world all at once. Seeing light in all its forms all at once: ultraviolet, infrared, etc. Sensing all the neutrinos zip by, sensing gravitational waves, sensing the slighest bit of seismic activity."
Dean doesn't know how to respond, so he lets him go on.
"Knowledge can only ever be a slice of the Totality of Truth. Truth is absolute chaos, and Knowledge is the partial ordering of this chaos. One can sanely approach Truth only through organized paritions of Totality. Why do you think Chuck is so obsessed with stories? Stories are linear and finite; they're sensible snippets of the endless sea of possible worlds."
"So, what? Are you trying to—"
"I'm not trying to justify Chuck's actions, Dean," he interrupts. "I just want to contextualize them. Chuck's simplistic and repetitive narratives are what they are: manifestations of a chaotic Totality, gone insane trying to understand itself. Looking for simple things to hold on to."
Cas takes a deep breath. He speaks with a shaky voice. "I'm barely holding myself together, Dean. I can feel the universe beneath my skin."
He doesn't know what possesses him to ask, but he does it anyway. "What are you holding on to?"
Cas smiles at that. "You."
They stare at each other for a while, frozen where they stand. Cas, with unrestrained affection in his face. Dean, struck by shock and indecision. It's Cas who first breaks the silence.
"I think we both know what needs to be done, while I'm still lucid enough." Cas slices his palm and lets his blood drip down the soil. He then thrusts the Last Blade into the ground, lifting it when the soil glows.
Dean stared in awe as the ground erupts and a familiar shape rises from the hollow. "Is that.."
"The Ma'Lak box, yes. I also enhanced it with the Blade to be able to house things as powerful as me."
"Cas, wait, maybe we can think of another way to—"
"Dean," he says, calmly. "You know there's no other way. I wouldn't ask this of you if there was."
In any other scenario, Dean would've kept arguing, but even he knows that they're running out of time. Sam's grace addiction is getting worse and all the creatures touched by Cas' grace are slowly mutating into eldritch horrors. Dean offers a shaky nod. "Okay."
Tension visibly releases from Cas' body. "Thank you, Dean." He opens the box and enters it with ease. "When you lock this, bury me with the garden's graced soil. Once I'm under, my influence over the world should dampen."
Dean gives a wordless nod. For a while, they just stared at each other, Cas lying down and Dean trying to memorize every inch of his face while he can.
Cas presses his hand into Dean's left shoulder where his mark used to dwell. "My untainted grace," he whisper gently. "Some of it is still inside you. That's probably why you're not as affected by me."
Dean wants to say, I'll always be affected by you, but he holds himself back.
He takes his hand back, a bloody handprint now on Dean's jacket. "I love you, Dean," he says, breathless.
"Cas..."
"I probably would've built up to that if we had more time but," he makes a surprised laugh, "I am, as you would say, already 'losing my marbles', so."
The air quotes would've been funny and endearing in any other scenario, but it just makes Dean's vision blur up with tears.
"Thank you for everything, Dean. I know we've done nothing but repeatedly hurt each other these past few years, but I don't want to spend a deathless eternity with that as my memory of you. I forgive you, even for the things you haven't forgiven yourself for yet. And I'm sorry for everything, especially for ending things like this."
He should probably wipe away his tears to clear his vision, but Dean can do nothing but stare at Cas in awe, in fear, in grief, in reverence. They're both fully crying now.
"Goodbye, Dean."
"Wait, Cas."
Cas looks at him, waiting.
"Can you...can you say it again?"
He doesn't need to clarify what 'it' means. They both know.
With one last mournful smile, Cas says: "I love you, Dean."
And with that, Dean finally gathers all the strength he needs to shut the lid and lock the box. He stares at it for a while, unblinking. He forgot to ask, Can you hear my prayers down there? But it's too late now to ask.
The box automatically lowers itself into the hole it arose from. Now all that's left to do is to cover it again with soil.
Dean doesn't bother with a shovel. He gently buries the box with his hands deep in the soil, some of it getting trapped under his nails. He continues the mindless task, whispering a tireless series of I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I hope you're okay I'm sorry, over and over between his quiet sobs. Cas is quiet inside the box. No screaming or crying. Dean doesn't know if that's better or worse.
When the final clump of soil is pressed into the mound, he suddenly feels it: a visceral shift that echoes throughout the world. The alien glimmer of the garden dims, and the world corrects its axis. Dean screams his agony into the air.
That's how Sam finds him: sprawled over a mound of soil, crying his heart out. Dean doesn't need to say anything: he knows what happened. He pulls his brother off the ground and brings him inside the bunker.
For the first two weeks, Dean cycles through drinking and passing out in various places in the bunker. If he's not wearing the jacket, he's holding it with close to him. Sam gives him a considerable space to grieve while he monitors the world grace problem with Eileen. The grace mutations have significantly dropped since then and everyone's going back to normal.
Unfortunately, that means monsters are getting hungry again. Sam doesn't want to leave his brother alone after going nonverbal with grief and dysfunctional due to alcohol. Eileen assures him that she can handle hunts on their own and that the hunter network that they're building will lessen the workload.
Sam's attempts to sober Dean up finally work, mostly due to the latter having very little strength to protest. Dean remains sober an entire day for the first time in weeks, and all he can think about is: I haven't prayed to Cas in a while. The longing might have reached him, but never a coherent prayer.
The first time he goes out of the bunker in a while, he heads straight to Cas' garden. Sam's glad that he's finally going out because "the sun is good for you" or something, but he's really only here for Cas. He kneels in front of the burial mound (where a patch of an unknown species of flowers is already growing).
The first prayer he says to him in a while is: I love you, Cas. I should've said it while you were still here. Not saying it out loud and just strongly thinking about the words somehow bolsters him to get the words through.
He's crying again, and he knows he's losing coherency. In his mind, he's explaining about his hangups and his regrets and his continuous denial of his own joy, but one constant remains: he's beaming all his love and affection into this prayer.
He's halfway through explaining all the traits that he finds endearing in Cas when suddenly, he feels it like a snap. If the glimmer dimmed when he buried Cas, now it's as if it was never there in the first place. With an unsettling amount of certainty, Dean just knows that Cas is gone. For real, this time.
"C-cas...?" It's the first thing he's said in a while and it sounds rough in his long unused voice.
"CAS! CAS!!! " He's now screaming, ripping away the flowerbed with his bare hands and scratching the soil away. Tears are obstructing his vision, but he has no time to wipe them away. He needs to make sure that is really gone. His hands are bleeding and he doesn't give a damn.
Eventually, Sam comes running towards him. "Dean! Dean, stop!"
He tries to hold his brother back, but Dean just keeps on clawing away soil. "Sammy, Sammy he's gone, he's not there anymore, Sammy I have to see, please, let me see Cas again, I need—" he breaks into sobs again, and like a puppet with its strings cut off, he slumps into Sam.
"Dean, it's okay, it's okay..." he says softly to his shaking brother.
Eventually, when Dean calms down, he looks at the carnage he's done and starts sobbing again. The flowers, his last evidence of Cas being here, are all destroyed. Now Cas truly is gone.
. . .
When Cas first heard Dean's confession prayer, he was overcome with joy. When he realized what that means, however, his stomach suddenly sinks.
He hears before he sees the Empty arrive, slithering like black goo.
"Wow, were you excited enough for eternal slumber that you wanted a preview?" The Shadow teases in Meg's voice.
At first, he was dreading the Empty, but now that he thinks of it, it's actually the perfect prison for him: a vast, endless nothingness for him to fill with his creations.
And if Jack wasn't in Heaven, that only means that he's in the Empty, and he can't wait to see his son again. Even when blinded by the madness of the universe, he can never forget the joy of being a father.
"Yes," he replies, "I'm actually glad you're here now."
. . .
Somewhere around the globe, Billie drops Jack back.
"Don't worry, kid. You'l reunite with your father very soon."
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Apparently it doesn’t matter that Sam Winchester grew up following his brother. That he’s looked up to Dean, his entire life. That he dresses like Dean, even when it’s not hand-me-downs, and they speak similar, and drive similar. Hell, they mostly even fight similar.
Sam’s always known that they’re different.
This isn’t bacon versus salad shake. It isn’t about Sam getting up for sunrises, and Dean going out for the sunsets. It isn’t orange or red plaid, or a beard versus none.
Point is, they’re fundamentally different.
(Even John knew it. After all, he never treated his boys the same.)
Dean and he have always dealt with loss differently.
When Sam dies, Dean sells his soul, and would do it again. But when he loses Sam, he hangs up the gloves and goes back to Lisa.
When Dean dies, Sam runs away to Ruby, Amelia, anyone. But when he loses Dean, he changes into every monster’s worst nightmare. Becomes the dread of a demon’s dreams.
Sam and Dean could not be more different, when it comes to losing the people they love.
When Cas dies, Dean gives up.
When Jess died, Sam started hunting again.
Two brothers, who keep choosing each other over the world - does that mean they’re the same? It’s never meant that.
Then how does Dean assume they want the same things, now?
How can he decide that they’re done - and think Sam should feel the same way? When they’ve never felt the same way about these things.
When Cas is gone again, Dean wants to quit. He wants to stay with Cas’s coffin, the Mal’ak box - and with Cas’s voice within, until either withers away or dies. He can’t let Cas be alone. Dean promised him he wouldn’t.
But when Eileen is gone, Sam wants to fight. He wants to chase the monsters, and go after the worst of the world. He doesn’t want to stop.
He wants to make it right.
And he’ll keep going, whether or not Dean comes with him.
When Dean says stop, he means peace.
When his world falls apart, Sam doesn’t even know what that is, anymore. He only knows anger, and he only knows pain. He only knows might.
Characters: Castiel, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester
Pairing: Castiel/Dean
Summary: He could still save him. It’s what they did: they fixed things. But they were running out of time. Dean wished they could have more. They were supposed to go on a beach vacation together. Castiel would wear bumblebee-swimshorts and they’d be happy. If they could’ve had more time... maybe he could’ve said it to Castiel’s face then, instead.
A/N: my second coda to yet another episode I have not seen. @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover (I feel so weird tagging people because even when they request it it feels like I’m bothering themmm)
Coda to 15x09 “The Trap”
________________________________
Dean busted through the door, hoping against hope that he wasn’t too late. His breaths came hard and fast and then – he stopped.
Castiel stood in the middle of the room, right in front of the window. He wasn’t facing the door Dean just slammed open and everything was quiet. The room was dark; and Cas obstructed the only light source, illuminating him. That was an angel, right there, amidst the dead, because he killed them all. Dean looked at the ground. Around his feet, there were corpses, slaughtered. It reminded him too much of who he used to be and seeing it now, knowing the cause for it – it hurt.
His friend turned his head to him and Dean still believed he could be saved. Even if he could barely see Castiel in these blue eyes anymore, he still believed the angel could be saved. He had to. Nobody else believed in it anymore and he wasn’t ready to give up.
“Dean”, Castiel said.
He looked around the room and there was no remorse in his voice.
“I believe I got them all. We should leave now.”
Dean couldn’t say anything, and he also couldn’t move when Castiel came his way. That was his friend. These lifeless blue eyes were his friend. It was his fault. Everything was his fault and he didn’t know how to fix it. He lost Castiel more and more every breathing moment and he feared the day nothing would be left of him. His hand was shaking and he was still grabbing the doorknob. He didn’t know what to do.
He knew.
“Dean”, Castiel said again and reached out to his hand, removing it gently from the door. Castiel was still there, in these rare moments. Dean swallowed down, hard, and resisted the urge to hug his friend. He didn’t have the right; he’d never have the right again.
“Are... are you okay?” He asked instead.
Castiel nodded.
“I am now.”
Yes... he’d be fine now, after killing all these people. It didn’t matter if they deserved this. It mattered that there was no remorse in Castiel’s heart after the act. Castiel left the room and Dean, having his head hung low, followed him. There was nothing else to do.
He mourned every moment he never got to have.
~
“Dean.”
He tried so very hard not to listen. He was fixated on this stupid book-page; it didn’t matter if he had no clue what it said. His hands were shaking and he wished he could have a drink. Hell, he wished he could be drunk all the time these days. But he would never forgive himself for that. Being drunk in possibly the last moments he’d ever get? He shouldn’t even be reading this book, but maybe – just maybe – there was a way to fix it in there. Because they would fix this. That’s what they did.
“Dean!”
Sam tore his book away from him and Dean stared at him angrily. He hated Sam. He hated Sam for his level-headedness. Fuck, he hated Castiel for the same reason. He knew both of them were right, but he didn’t want to hear it.
“What?” He barked at Sam.
“Dean... you know it’s what we got to do.”
That motherfucker even did the puppy-eyes. They had worked so many times, Dean couldn’t even count. But not this time. Not about this.
“What, Sam? We fix this, this is what we gotta do! That is not fixing it!”
Sam shook his head.
“Dean, Cas himself said –“
“Well, fucking Cas can go suck my dick then!”
Sam shut up. Dean stood up and stormed away. He was delaying the impossible, he knew that. But what else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t... he just couldn’t.
He threw himself on his bed and curled up on it. The thought alone made him sick. There had to be a way to fix this. They always managed. They always fixed stuff. So why couldn’t they fix Cas? And why was Sam so ready to just... give up? He thought they were friends. They were all supposed to be brothers! You didn’t just give up on family!
“Dean.”
Dean swallowed the lump in his throat and sat up. “Hey, Cas.”
His friend moved quietly, and then sat down next to him. Dean looked over. It was Cas. It’d always be Cas. He could do this. He could save him. It’d all be alright, and then they’d go take that beach vacation. Castiel would wear swim-shorts with bees on them and they’d play ball on the sand together. Yes. That’s what they’d do, once this nightmare was done with.
“I really wanted to kill Sam when I passed him by.”
Dean didn’t know what to say. “You didn’t, though.” It was barely a whisper.
“No. But it’s getting harder to resist.” Castiel turned his head. “It’s also getting harder to resist killing you.”
He reached out and took Dean’s hand. It was nice. Castiel’s hand was warm, and a solid weight. They should’ve held more hands before.
“I think about it a lot. I could take your hand like this and just... break every finger on it. Bend them backwards, just to hear you scream.”
Dean was paralyzed. He knew these thoughts. But Cas was supposed to be stronger than this. Nothing was supposed to touch him. Castiel raised his other hand and put it on Dean’ cheek. That, too, was nice. They should’ve done that more often.
“I also think about pushing my finger into your eye and pop the eyeball out. I think about putting my fingers in your mouth and rip it open, tearing your jaw off. I think about putting my hand in your chest”, his hand left his face and was now rubbing over his chest, “just to tear your heart out. Breaking every rib you have, pierce your lungs and see the terrified look in your eyes.”
Castiel then straddled his lap, looking down at Dean.
“I think about tearing your arms off, to hear you scream. I think about ripping your legs off and tie them together.”
He held Dean’s face in his hands and pressed their foreheads together.
“I want to do all this, and I want Sam to watch. I want to hurt Sam and I want you to watch, powerless to do anything about it. I want to rip and slice and stab and kill everything. I want to hear you scream, I want to end your lives in the most painful way possible. And I can’t...”
His voice broke and he had clenched his eyes shut. Dean could just stare. He understood. He understood exactly how Cas felt. He would fix this.
“I’m gonna fix this, Cas, you just wait and see.”
Castiel shook his head and something akin to a broken sob escaped him.
“Dean, you can’t. And even if it was possible, I don’t have enough time. You know that. Dean, please. Please. I don’t want this. I don’t want this to become a reality, Dean, please...”
Dean hugged his angel. They were shaking. He knew. Of course he knew. Castiel had been so strong resisting for as long as he did.
“Stay with me tonight”, Dean whispered. He needed Cas to be with him until the end. He didn’t know how he’d cope after his friend was gone.
“I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.”
Castiel’s eyes were big and blue and there was the angel he’d always known. The one that’d been with him for so long; that has died for him. He could never be afraid of this Castiel.
Dean shook his head. “You won’t, angel. You won’t.”
“Your faith in me is astounding.”
“Cas... you’re the only thing I’ve ever had faith in.”
They huddled together and Dean held tight on that trench coat. He didn’t want to sleep, but Cas would watch over him, one last time. He wished they’d had more time. More time to hurt each other again and again; and find each other again and again.
~
The next morning, Cas was still here, watching Dean. He smiled. “Hey, Cas.”
“Hello, Dean.”
It was the last time he’d hear these words and it hurt. He searched for Cas’ hand and squeezed it. This couldn’t be happening. Surely, Sam would bust in the room any second and proclaim he’d found a cure. But Sam never came. Castiel kept looking at him with these unwavering eyes. He’d miss those most of all. He scooted closer to Cas and hugged him tight – it was weird while they were laying down, but what did it matter? What did anything matter anymore?
“Let’s go.”
Castiel nodded and Dean’s heart broke.
~
Dean couldn’t let go of Cas’ hand. Sam was standing behind them and he was snivelling. Normally, Dean would tease him for that but – not now. It took everything he had not to break down crying. The monster sat right there, as innocent as a table – the Ma’lak Box.
Castiel was oddly composed but then again; Castiel always did what needed to be done. It didn’t mean that Dean could. He was shaking and Castiel squeezed his hand tighter. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. It was supposed to end with the three of them together. Him, Sam and Cas. Team Free Will.
Sam put a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “Cas, I... I’m going to miss you.” That was all? Castiel turned to Sam and hugged him – Dean hated that he let go of his hand for that.
“I’m going to miss you as well, Sam. I hope you can forgive me one day.”
Sam shook his head: “There’s nothing to forgive, Cas.”
Castiel stepped back and looked at Dean. Dean couldn’t return the look. It meant good-bye, and he’d never be ready for that. Castiel’s hand was soft on his back.
“Dean, you know it must be done.”
He stepped forward to the box and stepped inside. Dean didn’t want to look. He wanted to run and when he came back, he wanted everything to be fine. Cas and Sam would be sitting in the library, talking about ancient texts and chastise him for just going out like that.
Castiel was sitting inside the box now and he looked up at Dean, smiling.
“It’s going to be fine.”
He lay down and looked at them again. Dean took a step and put his hand on the lid. If he closed it, that would be it. Castiel would be gone. His hand was shaking and there were un-spilled tears in his eyes. He couldn’t do it. But he couldn’t let Sam help him. It had to be him. This was his box, his angel and his responsibility.
Castiel smiled with warm eyes. Dean wished for more time. He wished for a sudden cure. Anything. He’d gladly give his own soul to whoever would take it if it meant he wouldn’t have to close the lid.
“Sam. Dean. I love you. I love both of you. And I’m so proud to have known you. I’m so glad our paths have crossed and that I was able to stay with you. I want to thank you. For everything you’ve done and for everything you will still do. I want you to know that I’m forever proud of you. Dean”, his tone was softer now, “please. I want you to remember me as me. But could you... do me one small favour?”
Dean just nodded silently. He couldn’t speak. What was there to say? He wiped the tears out of his eyes because this was the last time he’d be able to see Cas. He was smiling.
“Please, Dean, I... I want to see your smile, just one last time. Can you do this for me?”
How could he deny that wish?
So he smiled. Not his cocky, charming grin, no. Castiel wouldn’t want that. Dean couldn’t stop the tears, but he smiled. Castiel smiled back and he was shining. Dean closed the lid and he kept smiling and the very last moment.
