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a whale among the stars

“I did not expect you here today, Childe.” “What, like a little downpour is going to stop me? What are you doing outside?” “I brought an umbrella. Let us share.” “You’re too kind, xiansheng. Careful, or I’ll catch feelings rather than a cold!”

* “What do you dream about, Childe?” “To become the strongest, to conquer the world, and to crush the throne of the gods beneath my heel. You’ll watch when it happens, right? It’s gonna happen, be all Glory to the Tsaritsa.” “No, I meant, what do you dream about?” “Oh... I, I don’t remember.”

Ao3

____________________________________

Zhongli quite enjoyed wandering Liyue at night. He loved the buzz of an active market, but he also loved the quiet absence of it. When everyone has left their stalls and the lights in the houses turned off, leaving the city to sleep. He would only encounter a few stray patrolling Millelith here and there, but they hardly disturbed the scene.

And of course, he also quite enjoyed the Glaze Lilies blooming under the moonlight. However, he tried not to linger too long with them. A brief hello to Guizhong would have to suffice. She would understand – and probably even chastise him if he overstayed his welcome. He smiled at the memory.

In fact, all those thousands of years ago, she had been the very first person to wave a finger in his face. He couldn’t quite recall for what reason, but he did remember her being upset. He had probably been a blockhead again, as dear Barbatos would put it so elegantly. When he had asked later, she told him it had been a motion she picked up from the humans. Parents would use it to scold their children and she figured it might work on a god as well. As it turned out, it had.

(Barbatos had tried it once in jest and Morax had immediately flung him into a mountain.)

Zhongli looked upon the empty market square. The stalls were still standing, of course, but all the wares have been removed. There was still a faint food smell coming from Wanmin restaurant. On some days, those sunnier than others, he could see her walking through a Liyue she never got to see. Sometimes he would catch flashes of her whenever he would happen to pass by Lady Ningguang. It wasn’t the same, because she was dead, but it was alright. He’s had thousands of years to grow accustomed to it. While still pained by her loss, it longer stung as deep. Perhaps it helped that Xiao still remembered her just as well.

Closing his eyes briefly, Zhongli turned away from the empty market. He wanted to visit the docks – the soft waves always brought him to calm.

Normally, the docks would never be truly quiet, be it either from the sailors having do work on the ships or fishermen setting out early, at this time of night it was eerily quiet. It was too late for any leftover work and yet too early to be setting out again. Zhongli knew this, and this was why he chose this timeframe. By the time the workers would show up, he would be long gone, as if he had never been here at all.

Sometimes, on the rarest occasions, Xiao would join him. The adeptus would not speak but quietly sit next to Zhongli. Always it would be a refreshing feeling, knowing the plagued adeptus would get some rest, even if it only be a few minutes. It would do nothing to soothe his eternal suffering, but perhaps in these sparse moments, the burden would be lighter. At least that’s what Zhongli wanted to believe.

Tonight, however, there was a different man sitting at the docks. Zhongli was easily able to identify him, since everything about him was so harshly out of place: Tartaglia.

For all his status and power, Childe was still just a mortal. A young one at that as well who would definitely need his sleep, so Zhongli wondered what his companion would do here at this late hour. Truth be told, he wasn’t sure how to approach the harbinger. It was very possible that Childe had not noticed his presence yet and for all he knew, this might be some Snezhnayan tradition he knew nothing about. Despite the diplomat having been here for quite a while, Zhongli still knew next to nothing about him. For all the tales Childe knows to tell, none of them actually feature him. Perhaps he should leave him be. Tomorrow would be another day to take a stroll.

“Can’t sleep, xiansheng?”

Ah. So he had been discovered. He should have expected that. With new vigour, Zhongli steps next to his companion before sitting down.

“It would appear I could ask the same of you.”

Childe laughed tonelessly. “Yes, that’s true. You’re deflecting though. Can’t sleep?”

In truth, Zhongli required no sleep whatsoever – it was a luxury he could allow himself, but nothing he would ever truly require. Of course, Childe would not know that.

“Indeed,” he chose to reply. It seemed like the safest option. “Now about yourself. You cannot sleep?”

Childe closed his eyes and nodded. “It’s been a bit difficult since I came here. It’s so humid it keeps waking me up.”

Ah yes. In Snezhnaya, it must be bitter cold at any given time, and Liyue had a quite good temperature. No wonder Childe would suffer some effects of the change in the air. He hadn’t evn considered that. It was also unlikely that Childe owned any light clothing he could wear. It had been careless of Zhongli to not notice or at least mention it.

“Yes, I understand. My apologies, Childe, I should’ve informed you about the temperature.”

Childe shakes his head. “Nah, don’t worry, it’s fine. And besides, at night’s the perfect time to look at the Harbour. I’m so busy during the day I haven’t been able to take in the sights, y’know?”

Zhongli looked down into the water. Again, he hadn’t considered this – someone so foreign. It had been a long time since Zhongli had had direct contact with someone like that. Liyue must’ve come as quite the culture shock to Childe. And being here on official business would also make it harder to see the Harbour in all of its grandeur. Guizhong would surely wiggle her finger in his face again if she were here.

“This was a lack of oversight on my part, Master Childe. I apologise.”

Childe laughed and turned his head to face Zhongli. “Don’t worry about it, I expected that.”

Childe looked different under the moonlight. He stood out massively during the day with his ginger hair and his foreign clothes, a heavy accent on his tongue. He still stood out even now, but it was different. There were stories mothers would tell their children, about ghostly adepti appearing during the fog of the night, under the pale moonlight. None of the adepti would ever do such a thing but now Zhongli thought – this picture of Childe, perhaps this was what they envisioned. Something ethereal, something that did not belong here.

“If you wish, I will show you around Liyue proper tomorrow. I wish for you to experience all of it.”

“Haha, if I have the time, I will accept your offer, xiansheng. For now, I have to decline, but thank you.”

Zhongli nodded. He looked again at the horizon. He felt Childe’s eyes linger on him a second longer before the young man looked away. They sat in silence, but Zhongli did not mind. It wasn’t the comfortable silence between year-long friends but it also wasn’t the awkward silence between strangers.

“You can’t sleep,” Childe said, “mind saying why?”

There was genuine concern in the young man’s voice.

Zhongli, however, was at a loss for words. What should he say? He wasn’t very good at lying. Moreover, he did not wish to lie to Childe more than necessary. So in the end, he opted to say nothing at all.

“No? Okay. If it’s nightmares or something and you want to talk – I’d listen.”

A heart made out of bedrock is a heart nonetheless.

Guizhong’s face came to mind, and the feeling was similar. He wasn’t sure why. “I – thank you.”

Childe reached out his hand and squeezed Zhongli’s shoulder.

Humans show their affection and camaraderie in physical touch often.

Zhongli didn’t understand – even after all these years. But there was something here, just beyond his grasp.

Childe’s hand remained on his shoulder for a while and Zhongli grew a liking to this feeling. It was something warm and solid and, in perhaps the first time in a thousand years, he didn’t feel alone. Such a strange feeling this foreigner emitted in him.

To be fair, Zhongli expected Childe to get up and leave after a while, but the boy just kept sitting at the docks. For a moment, Zhongli believed that perhaps he wouldn’t leave as to not leave Zhongli alone but – he discarded that thought. If Childe would’ve grown tired, he would have left, correct? He also wasn’t sure how to bring this up to the young man. Who was he to tell a harbinger to go to sleep? Barbatos teased him enough about being old, he didn’t need to act like it as well – not that the bard was lying, but there was no need to fuel the flame.

There was, however, the sun creeping on the horizon. “It is getting late. We should leave before the workers arrive.”

Childe nodded silently.

Zhongli stood up and expected his companion to do the same.

“You go ahead, xiansheng. As fate wills it, I need to talk to a few sailors here anyway, so I might just wait. Do try and take a little nap, will you? I’ll see you at lunch.”

Zhongli was not convinced, but he nodded regardless. “Yes, I shall. Fare well, Childe, until we meet again.”

Childe laughed tonelessly again and Zhongli turned to leave. How curious that harbinger was and – so concerned for him.

It was a weird feeling and it was still sitting in his chest way later, when he again tried to explain chopsticks to the young harbinger.

~

“Fancy meeting you here, xiansheng. If I daresay, I’d say you’d miss me!”

“Perhaps I daresay the same about you, no?”

“Hahaha, don’t do me like that xiansheng, what if my feelings get hurt?”

*

“I did not expect you here today, Childe.”

“What, like a little downpour is going to stop me? What are you doing outside?”

“I brought an umbrella. Let us share.”

“You’re too kind, xiansheng. Careful, or I’ll catch feelings rather than a cold!”

*

“You have been here many months now, Childe.”

“Been counting days, have you?”

“It just occurs to me that you should’ve gotten used to the humidity by now.”

“And?”

“So I’d assume it would no longer prevent you from falling asleep.”

“... You know, you never said why you are awake at this hour.”

“Would it be too unbelievable if I said I simply wished to burn Liyue at night into my memories?”

“Maybe it would be.”

*

“Who was it?”

“Hm?”

“The blood on your face. Who was it?”

“Hm? Oh... I guess I didn’t clean up properly. Don’t worry, nobody’s dead, I’ve been a good boy.”

“Did he break a contract with the bank?”

“They all do.”

*

“You should be in bed, Childe.”

“I can’t see the water from my room.”

*

“Won’t you tell me what truly keeps you up?”

“I will, once you tell me who gets you up at night, xiansheng.”

“...mayhap I’d prefer not to say.”

“Then don’t mind the silence, Zhongli.”

*

“This is your blood.”

“Mhm, observant as ever, our xiansheng...”

“How did this happen?”

“Easy. I fucked up, and I got sliced. It happens. Don’t worry about it, okay? I’ll just train harder from now on, and it’ll never happen again.”

“Is it the lack of sleep?”

“Why are you up?”

“Pardon for the intrusion.”

*

“What do you dream about, Childe?”

“To become the strongest, to conquer the world, and to crush the throne of the gods beneath my heel. You’ll watch when it happens, right? It’s gonna happen, be all Glory to the Tsaritsa.”

“No, I meant, what do you dream about?”

“Oh... I, I don’t remember.”

*

“Do you like the Traveller?”

“Why do you ask? I was under the impression you liked them as well.”

“Haha, maybe I do, but – they don’t like me, ‘cause I’m a Fatui and all... so do you like them?”

“Yes, I am rather fond of them. The Traveller carries quite the mystery with them, don’t you think?”

*

“This might be the last of our meetings like this.”

“You have to return to Snezhnaya?”

“Haha, yes, I suppose... quite soon. Rex Lapis is dead and all, y’know? No real reason for me to stay much longer, I guess...”

“I shall miss our conversations greatly, Childe.”

“Yeah, I’ll miss you too...”

*

At Northland Bank, Zhongli could not look at Childe. The boy’s words betrayed nothing of their previous relationship and for that small mercy, Zhongli was grateful. Befriending the harbinger had never been part of the contract and the less Signora knew, the better. She had called Childe stupid enough times anytime Zhongli had conversed with her.

To be honest, Zhongli didn’t know what he wanted to happen. And perhaps the outcome he got was the tamest one after all: after Signora left, Childe disappeared into the back of the bank, leaving only him and the Traveller standing here.

Maybe it would be best if he ignored Childe for a while. If the boy had spoken true, he would remain in Liyue just a little longer. There was enough time to catch up.

Truth be told, he had expected it to feel a little different. After discussing everything with the Qixing, Zhongli had considered himself to be truly retired. He would always remain himself: a god, and the prime adeptus. He would never truly be a mortal man, but he would be able to live like one at least. Just... he hadn’t seen Childe around. Xiangling hadn’t seen him either, and the other merchants at the square hadn’t seen him either. Apart from Xiangling, Zhongli had noticed some disdain in the voices of the merchants. While it was true that Childe had unleashed an ancient god, there had been no consequences – and the harbinger had always been supposed to re-awaken Osial.

There was a wish to defend Childe, but he couldn’t. He just hoped that the young man wouldn’t be too upset and forgive him some time soon. He already missed their lunch and dinner dates.

Of course, simply going to Northland Bank was out of the question. It would be by far the easiest solution, either he would meet Childe there or Ekaterina would tell him where his friend was, however – something held Zhongli back. Perhaps the bank felt too formal? Yes, that must be it. But where to meet him somewhere informal...?

Ah, perhaps this idea would work.

It was a rather hot night.

Even after such a long time, Childe still tended to suffer under the heat, often complaining over why he couldn’t just take his shirt off. Zhongli couldn’t be sure if Childe would be even there, but it couldn’t hurt to try, correct?

Maybe he should enjoy his first night-walk as a retiree more, but there was time for that later. Liyue would never go anywhere, while Childe would soon disappear from his grasp. There was lot to explain, and he wanted to make sure he would have enough time for it. If Childe wouldn’t be athe docks... Zhongli wasn’t sure what he would do. Then perhaps he would be left with no choice but to go to Northland Bank to inquire about his whereabouts and requesting to see him.

Alas, he needed not have worried.

Childe was sitting on the docks, at their usual spot. It seemed like he had opted to remove his grey jacket and was simply wearing his maroon shirt. It felt strangely intimate and Zhongli rushed over. Before reaching Childe however, he stopped. He wasn’t sure as how to start. Zhongli didn’t really have t apologise. He had made a contract, and fulfilled it. There was nothing to apologise for. And yet – it felt like there was.

“Can’t sleep, xiansheng?”

Zhongli was stumped into silence. How should he respond? It wasn’t the kind of greeting he had expected.

“It would appear I could ask the same of you.”

Instead of laughing, Childe turned his head a little. “Sit with me, then.”

Zhongli’s legs moved on command. They had sat here so many times over the last months and yet it felt strange now.

“What’s it like, being a dead man?”

“I – my retirement has barely begun, I cannot say yet.”

“Haha, that’s right. A dead man walking, what a funny joke...”

Zhongli looked at Childe. The man had lowered his head, instead of looking at the horizon as he usually did. He looked tired – exhausted beyond his years.

“Childe, I –“

“Shut it, okay? I don’t care. This is what I’m good for, so save it for someone else.”

Zhongli closed his mouth shut.

“So you’ve been awake all these times ‘cause you’re Rex Lapis, huh? Should’ve guessed, and here I thought... ah, nevermind, whatever, who cares. Gotta say, all those books could’ve used a description update.”

“You must be aware I would rather keep this form a secret.”

“Haha, true... hard to be in retirement if everyone knows who you are, right? What a shame... I always thought you’d look like some old geezer. Guess I was wrong, huh?”

“Next time I have to choose a new form, I will be sure to consult you first.”

“Haha, you’re so funny sometimes, xiansheng... and you don’t even want to be, huh? You’d actually seek me out... didn’t know you could talk to the dead.”

“You’re very much alive, Childe.”

“Yeah I am but you know how I live. Anyway, who cares, right? Me and my stupid ideas...”

“Why did you come to the docks today?”

“Because I can’t sleep.”

“Why not?”

Childe was quiet. He lifted his gaze a little, to barely spy at the horizon.

“I guess... I guess you did tell me what keeps you up at night, right? So it’s only fair if I tell you too...”

“If you do not wish to share, you do not have to. It was not a contract –“

“I have nightmares.”

Zhongli shut up. Childe’s voice sounded so tired, so far removed from the usual lively harbinger, that it worried Zhongli.

“I mean, they’re better now. Before, I wasn’t even able to sleep for an hour... I upgraded to three in a row, isn’t that great? They wake me up and then I don’t want to fall back asleep and... I go here because I can listen to the waves, and I can see the stars and there’s wind and –“

“What are they about?”

“You won’t like me if I tell you.”

“Try me.”

“Haha... and even if you do, I’ll be gone soon anyway so what does it matter, yeah? It’s... I...”

Childe didn’t keep talking and lowered his gaze again. Now, Zhongli did not see a mighty harbinger, but a too tall-grown child that didn’t know what to do. Sometimes he wondered how young Childe truly still was. Had he judged him beyond his years?

“Something... happened to me when I was 14. I – it... I survived, and I came back, but everybody said I’ve changed. But I don’t know. I don’t know. And that place, it – it haunts my dreams. I thought it’d get better, but it’s been years now and – and I don’t think it will ever go away. Did you know that there’s a part of me that’s a monster?”

Childe scooted forwards until his legs were dangling over the edge.

“It’s like black tar, sometimes. It reaches up from the ground and it’s trying to grab me and if I’m not careful, it’ll succeed and pull me back under. When I sleep, I can hear – I can hear voices, and they’re soft and they coo at me, singing to me and they want me to give in again, to follow them again, just like they say I already did before. I stay awake as long as I can because if I pass out, I can’t hear them and then they can’t come to grab me and it’s going to be okay.”

He bent further forward, reaching forward with his hand, trying to touch the surface. Had Zhongli not moved to hold him, Childe would’ve slipped into the water.

“I’m so tired, Zhongli.”

“Let me watch over your sleep, just for tonight.”

Childe looked at him with tired eyes, with something indefinable shimmering behind them.

“I don’t want to go inside.”

“Then I’ll watch over you here. Right under the stars, so you can look at them.”

Childe leaned against Zhongli, exhausted.

“Tell me, dear Childe, what’s the first thing you saw among the stars?”

“Once, when I was really small, I saw a whale swimming through the stars. It was the biggest whale I’ve ever seen and I’m gonna find it again one day.”

“Then let me tell you the tale of the starwhale...”

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