dear jace, dear xander, dear jackson, dear yao
{ unsent letters # 1-4 }
dear jace,
the elephant in the room that nobody talks about is us, isnāt it? we seem to find ourselves on the negative side of the spectrum nowadays, and iām pretty sure the rest of ace notices, but doesnāt say anything. kinda like me. i notice things, too, but iām not always vocal about it because i know how you are. you shut down whenever somebody else realizes youāre not okay, and itās really disheartening because sometimes i just wish youād talk to me instead of going all jace dragon and spitting fire at me through short text messages and exasperated sighs. ha, itās kind of funny because i really have no room to talkāwrite? you donāt even know me, not the real me, except i donāt shut down like you, i just smile and reassure. weāre kind of the same in a way, arenāt we? except youāre not as fake as i am. you have friendsāreal friends who care about you and would go to the moon for you. and youād do the same for them, wouldnāt you? you have people who recognize the quirks and odd habits you allow to surface whenever youāre in one of those moods of yours, but i donāt. i donāt have that, and in a way, i think that makes me really envious of you. youāre a good person, with genuine intentions and i donāt think you give yourself enough credit for that, but you should because there arenāt a lot of people like you in the world, simba. but there needs to be. iām sorry i donāt let you in, or talk to you about my life and whatās in my headāi want to, i just donāt know how, and i canāt promise that i ever will. but i wish you nothing but happiness, kay? literally always, all the time, every second of every day. you deserve it. you also deserve an abundance of flower crowns made by me. you deserve good things and sometimes i wish i could give them all to you, but i canāt. and iāll never stop being sorry for that. p.s. i miss you deeply.
sincerely,me
dear xander,
hi, bunny. youāre such a good person, how did ace get to be so lucky? like, seriously, youāre kind of a god send. you make me giggle with those bunny teeth of yours, and your aegyo is out of this world. i sometimes wish you and i were closer, but at the same timeāi donāt, and thatās because if you saw what really went on in my head you might get tainted, and that is the last thing iād ever want for you. i want you to always stay xander. i want your eyes to always be full of wonder and innocence. never lose that, kay? god, xander, donāt you ever lose that sense of wonder i see in your eyes every single day. itās a gift that not all of us get, and those of us who doāwell, we ruin it. so promise youāll always be my thoughtful, kind, and naive xander, kay? ohāand also, donāt ever be afraid to try new things. i know the world can be ugly and seem scary, but donāt ever hold yourself back from life and what it has to offer. AND WORK HARD. kay? i know you will, you never disappoint me.
sincerely,me
dear jackson,
firstly, i want to apologize if it ever seems like iām being hard on you. i know weāre all just young adults here, hyung, and even though youāre an idol you deserve a life apart from that. i often forget that, though, because iāve never wanted anything in life like i do this. and sometimes itās really difficult to set myself apart from you guys, you know? like, i sometimes forget that not everyoneās lives are hellbent on being right here in the position weāre all in right now. so, yeah, sorry. secondly, i want to also apologize for always being so distant and never telling you how i really feel. iām like that with all of you, though. itās hard for me to peel the mask away and tell you that i feel dead inside, and that even though i smile at you, itās always feigned. iām not a happy person, i havenāt been for a while. youāre a really good person, though. you always worry about me and try to push past the cracks in my walls, and itās both a blessing and a curse. youāre funny, too - you always make us laugh with how ridiculous you can be. donāt ever change. donāt ever stop making people laugh, jackson.
sincerely,me
dear yao,
i know you want me to rely on you, but i donāt think i ever will. iām just not built that way anymore. i used to rely on someone very special to me in the past, but heās gone now because of that very reason, and nowadays the prospect of relying on someone other than me, go minam, makes me sick to my stomach. Ā i also want to say that being the leader of ace may have never been on your to do list, but iām glad you are. i think you're a kind and thoughtful hyung, even if i donāt agree with the fact that youād let yourself be placed on hiatus for something as silly as love. tsk tsk tsk. but iām also envious of you for that very reason. you get to love and be loved and sometimes i get jealous because i donāt think thatāll ever happen for me. again, i donāt think iām constructed that way, if that makes any sense. i lie to you a lot, also. i always tell you iām fine and that everythingās okay, but i often feel like my heart is withered and my body is just a plastic cup waiting to be crushed along with the remnants of whatever i have left inside of me. i canāt make you understand. i canāt make anyone understand what is happening inside of me, i canāt even explain it to myself. and thatās why i choose to solve my own problems instead of coming to you boys. iām sorry for that, but thank you for always trying.Ā
sincerely,me















