But then the flinching and the distance just became too much.

It was too much for Derek to ignore as he made the first move, asking Penelope if she noticed anything. What he wanted to ask her is if she noticed the still surfaced bruises on the youngest agent's cheek on most days or if when you went to give her a hug, she flinched, scared that a hug would add onto the things she would try to hide. He wanted to know if she had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or just a significant other that was evil enough to hurt her. He wanted to see Penelope go through the deepest parts of Y/n's life so he could help.

But instead, he popped into Penny's office, just asking a simple question as if the meaning didn't eat him up.

"I noticed some things," Penelope answered so nonchalantly that her lie was easily detected. She noticed the way Y/n got scared the very few times that she missed a phone call from that one person or the way that she called out "sick," more often, coming into work as a person with a tired body and soul. She noticed the smile that slowly faded and never returned, she noticed it all.

"Hm," Derek replied, going amongst himself to ask JJ the same question. Then Spencer. Then Emily. And all the way to David did everyone answer the same, leaving Derek to press. And he pressed. He pressed until everyone had to face the fact that maybe Y/n wasn't as good as she tried to put. That the stance she tried to put up was doing more than eating her from the inside and that they needed to help.

They needed to help a friend, and bit by bit, they saw more. It was more than flinching and not smiling. Their friend was in fear all the time and before the breaking point, they had only watched, unaware of the scenes that play daily.

"Y/n?" Aaron called from the conference room Saturday morning.

"Yes?"

"Come up here please, we need to talk."

Talk.

No one talks to Y/n anymore.

At least not at home.

More fear, more fear spreads as Y/n walks up the steps, being faced by her teammates as they worry; expressions unhidden.

"Just let us help." The sentence breaks Penelope as she begs. "Just let us help you."

-- 

"I don't push people away," Y/n mumbled as she pulled into the hotel parking lot.

She grabbed her jacket from the passenger side and headed to her room, ignoring the kind worker who said hello to her.

Y/n stepped off the elevator and pulled her key out of her back pocket, the 'ding' filling the hallway silence at that moment.

Closing the door quietly, Y/n walked towards the small light from the lamp on the left side. As she whipped her head around the corner, she was met Derek's bright smile.

"Hey," He nodded, muting the bad hotel show he was watching.

"Hi, baby," She slipped off her blazer and threw it onto a nearby chair with her jacket.

Walking to the bathroom, Y/n turned on the shower and looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red, and her cheeks started to puff.

So many tears spread for the ones who don't care.

Stripping the rest of her clothes, Y/n stepped into the shower, the hot water flowing over her body. She just stood there for a while, the water the only thing filling the silence in the bathroom. The time moved slowly, leaving Y/n trapped in her thoughts.

"Ms, Feilds, please take off the sunglasses," The math sub called Y/n during the work period.

Y/n scoffed and slouched down as her heavy eyelids began to betray her.

"The sunglasses," The sub asked again, this time more demanding.

Before Y/n could say anything, Arianna turned around and grabbed them off Y/n's face.

"Fuck!" Y/n winced at the added sunlight.

The teacher took one look at Y/n's dilated pupils and took her into the hall.

The knock at the door pulled Y/n out of her thoughts.

"Bae?" Derek called out, the shower curtain blocking his concerned expression from Y/n's eyes.

"Hm?" Y/n hummed, poking her head out of the shower, not leaving much to the eye.

"You ok?" Derek leaned in.

Y/n shook her head in reassurance, a chill filling her body as Derek's thumb swiped across her cheek.

"So why are you crying?" He pulled back.

Y/n just stares at him.

"You don't see them, you won't get it."

"You might leave, I don't want you to."

"I hold up my past with strong walls, it only takes one hit though. One hit and it's all gone."

"I have habits that are calling my name and yet you are the only thing that keeps me from giving in."

That's what Y/n wants to say. She wants Derek to know, she wants him to listen.

"Sad day, that's all. Pass me that towel?" She changes the subject instead.

He looks back and passes her the towel hanging off the bathroom door. She wraps it around herself and steps out, turning off the shower from the outside. She walks out of the bathroom, Derek following behind as she pulls out a shirt and some underwear from her go-bag. She throws the towel to the bed, her body now exposed to Derek. He watches as she slips on the black underwear and one of his oversized graphic tees before throwing the towel over to the same chair her jackets were in.

Derek walks over to the bed, sitting in the same spot he was in before. Eyes follow down Y/n's body, almost habitual, a small grin appearing on his face at his marks that were starting to clear up from a few nights before. Y/n walks toward the bed and sits next to him, the hotel mattress providing little to no comfort at all.

"Are you ok?" She asks as she lays her head on his shoulder. It's a small gesture, but that's all Y/n wants and needs.

"Just tired, been a long day." Derek kisses the top of her forehead.

"You got that right," Y/n laughs.

It's a genuine laugh, a happy one.

Wrapping an arm around her torso, Derek pulls Y/n as close as he could. She's hiding something. Derek knows what it feels like to go through the lengths of keeping a secret. He was willing to go to jail for a murder he didn't commit if it meant no one knows what Carl Buford did to him. If it meant he didn't have to relive those memories once more.

Except even with the team by his side, Derek felt alone.

And when the memories resurface, when Derek can feel Carl's touch, he feels alone. Y/n pulls him out of that but he still feels alone. He doesn't want her to feel that.

It sucks to feel that.

"I love you," He mumbled into a comfortable silence.

Y/n looked up, her head almost hitting his chin, and just smiled.

"I love you too," She kissed his lips.

His soft, warm, comfortable lips.

Neither one could tell you what happened. Derek pulled Y/n in, leaving her straddled on his lap. Their kiss grew hotter as Y/n pulled herself closer to Derek, his forming boner giving her the friction her body desired. Hands gripped her sides as they moved down to her ass, a small moan leaving her mouth into his.

Derek's hands moved up Y/n's bare back as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Derek pulled the tee off of Y/n, throwing it somewhere in the room. Her skin was warm against his chest. His lips kissed and marked down her body before coming back up to hers.

"I love you," He said one more time.

"I love you."

Wrapping one arm across her back, Derek repositioned them both as a grin appeared on his face at the sight of his girlfriend under him.

Legs wrap around his waist as Derek marks Y/n's neck. He taps the side of her thigh, signaling for her to unravel her legs. As they fall to the side, Derek resumes his travel down her body again, this time taking the black underwear with him.

His arms wrap around her thighs as he pulls her all the way to the edge, eyes searching her for consent to continue.

She nods but it's not enough for Derek. He raises an eyebrow at her, getting an eye-roll in return.

"Tell me what you want." He mumbled.

"You." Y/n bluntly stated, staring him down.

"Can't hear you," He taunted, his fingers moving closer to Y/n's wet arousal.

"Please daddy," The words rolled of Y/n's tongue.

That was all it took for Derek. His lips attached her clit, a loud moan coming from Y/n in response. Her hands grabbed onto the bedsheets, squeezing them hard as Derek quickly quickened his pace.

To silence her moans, Y/n brought her hand to her mouth, the method only muffling the sounds to the bare minimum. Frowning at her actions, Derek added two fingers into her slit and pulled her hand down, her moan like a medley in his ears.

Small curses and names left Y/n's mouth as her orgasm started to build up.

"Derek..." She cried, her muscles tensing.

Instead of responding, Derek's tongue quickened its pace as his fingers curled inside of her again and again.

Throwing her head back, Y/n felt her composure wearing off as she called Derek's name one more time, only it came out in a breath, relieving how close to her climax she truly was.

As his fingers continued to thrust inside her, Derek pulled away and smirked at the begging Y/n.

"Go ahead," He growled in her ear.

He moved up to her face as his thumb came into contact with clit, throwing Y/n completely off the edge. With their chest's now in complete contact, Y/n's nails slid down Derek's back as she came down from her high.

Removing his hand, Derek ran his other one against Y/n's face, leaving small kisses as her breathing returned to a normal pace. His other thumb swiped across the tip of his tongue, Y/n's sweet arousal to taste.

He loved every part of Y/n. Take one look at them together and the feeling was clearly mutual.

Both of them wanted more.

Both of them craved more.

Turning her head to look at him, Y/n pressed her lips against Derek's, the taste savoring and sweet. His own muscles relaxed to the calm touch of her nail against his shoulder and her body goes soft at his hand to the side of her leg.

It's just the two of them in this moment-and they know it.

The kiss deepens fast as both tounges fighting for dominance. Y/n gives in and pulls the drawstrings of Derek's grey sweatpants, losing them out of the small knot they were in. Derek's figure points out just from under the band, a low grunt comes out as Y/n palms him.

His eyes meet hers, glassy and lust-filled as she lets at a patronizing smile. Pulling the sweats down, Y/n's hands rub on Derek, the action causing him to grip the sheets above her head with no mercy.

"Keep doing that and you'll ruin the fun," He said, his tone assertive and demanding.

"Like this?" Y/n fastened her pace as she batted faux innocence to Derek.

Instead of giving her a reaction, Derek used his hand to spread Y/n's leg farther away from his. Two steps ahead of him, Y/n made his job easier and braced herself for what was next.

"Ready?" Derek lined himself up with Y/n. He was aware of his size, he was aware of what he could do to Y/n.

And he loved it.

Slowly thrusting into her, Derek gave her a second to adjust before lacing his fingers with hers. He loved when it was just them. He loved when she was all his, all for him. He loved the way her eyes rolled back as his thrusts got harder. He loved the way his name rang out her mouth in pleasure.

He loved everything when it came to Y/n.

Especially her nails dragging down her back.

Y/n's fingers tightened around Derek's as she felt her second orgasm coming. Her body was sore and tired from the first time and she was getting closer and closer.

"You can do it," Derek praised in her ear.

"Come on do it for daddy," He kissed her lips, the words enough to send her past her limit.

Walls clench around Derek as her free hand drags down his back, Y/n's leg shaking violently as a result. His body fully covers her second later, one more thrust ending both of them.

It's like home to both of them. Their bare skins in contact with each other and only each other, the words that he mumbles in her ear, each syllable spent expressing his love for her.

They take away each other's bad.

Taking all the warmth with him, Derek head to the bathroom and comes back with a damp cloth.

The impact of the other car hit yours directly. Derek pressed the gas pedal as the light turned green, moving his hand to your stomach as you expressed the small kicks against your stomach.

Family was big to him and he enjoyed every time he felt the small life in you move.

But now it had seemed that yours flashed before your eyes as the pain kicked in. The hood of the other car pierced about your growing belly, shortening your breaths as you tried to look over to Derek.

It pained more than words can fit as he laid on his airbag, blood dripping down his face.

"Derek.." You cried.

"Derek!" You then screamed. And screamed. And screamed. No matter the pain that it brought or the people that it attracted, you screamed for your husband to open his eyes. The sounds of sirens came closer and close and soon Derek's brown pearls did open.

"Babe.." His voice went low before his eyes went wide at your stomach. Visible on his face, he tried his best to move to you.

You were happy he was awake but all the energy you had rid and you felt the life drain. You felt the memories as a kid pour away like a sad day, times you spent on the playground, proms, first times. It all slipped.

You felt Derek's lips fade. Each time feeling the first. His hot breath felt like a memory, glistening against your skin each time you shared intimate love.

The day you shared the pregnancy test flashed between your eyes. His own eyes tear flooded from the news as he talked to your stomach, telling your baby just how happy he is to wait.

Derek's smile and kisses disappeared.

Your mother's laugh vanished.

Your father's hugs fled.

And your baby kicks died.

The happy kicks faded as your breaths did. Through your shallow vision, you saw the EMT's pull Derek out first. When they worked on you, begging to you answer them, to sign them you're alive, you grabbed the woman's hand. Tight.

"Save my baby before me." The words take everything out of you.

"If you have to pick and choose, pick my baby. And tell... tell my husband that I love him because..." Her face becomes blurry. "Because I don't think I've  said it enough and he needs to know."

And then the lady is gone. Your eyes are closed and everything is black as your heart pushes through for your baby. The team fights its way into the hospital while both you and Derek are being treated. They see Derek first while you are just a couple doors away in a code blue. They can't only hope it's not you; the hospital won't tell them anything. They all worry in silence as Derek ignores his own pain. Minutes- it's only truly minutes that feel like hours when a scream fills the whole floor.

A baby's cry like no other. One that screams innocence and life. The doctor treats the baby in the room but Derek knows.

He knows it's his. He knows the scream of his child and he tries his best to hold his newborn daughter as they bring her in. It's only her. New and precious to the awful world as she succumbs to her father's arms.

He loves the eyes that she tries to look at him at. The ones that her mother had as they danced to music in the kitchen. The ones that Derek looked into and vowed to make right by each day he had the chance.

And the ones that he'll never get to see full of life on her body as the guard nurse pulls a blanket over her face two doors over, shutting down the systems around her.

That same nurse slowly walks over to the single dad that holds his baby and tells him the news like a bad story. No breaks, no stops.

But Derek knew.

He knew how much you loved him.

He knew that you fought.

And he knew when you were gone.

So he thanks the nurse, his voice tear ridden and hold his baby closer.

"Miracle. You're your mommy's and mines miracle."

—

So each little girl listened; at first at least. Many girls grew up and rebelled, claiming the thing that was to be saved for someone who wasn't them wasn't worth it.

"Save yourself," Y/n whispered over and over again throughout middle school, high school, college, graduate school, and even job after job until the words filled her brain like a mirror full of lipstick; each time feel dirtier than before.

But still, she remained pure throughout training at the FBI academy and through her units, wearing a badge of shame when she was told it should be an honor.

That honor caused her to push the first boy she ever loved, going back to the tenth grade as they danced on the prom floor, lips finding each other and bodies finding home in his parents' backseat before she ran because she couldn't break her pureness.

That honor caused her to feel like an outcast as everyone talked about their one-night stands and nights to remember while she bit the tip of her pen, just wanting to relate for once.

And that same honor makes her feel dirty now. She looks at Agent Morgan, listening to the stories he tells about the women that he just had the previous night wondering why she wanted to be them. She wanted to be free like them and dance the way he says they do. She wanted to ignore her mind and be free.

But she wanted to do it with him.

She wanted to dance the night along with Agent Morgan in clubs hand and hand.

She wanted to feel the soft kisses he would lay.

She wanted it all.

He made her feel dirty, like the whores that her mother talked about. He made her feel transparent, like a see-through glass that has something others lost.

"You sure you don't wanna come out with us little lady?" Derek asks for the third time.

"Yes." Heavy venom and pain that is undue come out with the word as Y/n keeps her head down; refusing to give the man attention.

"Alright." He no longer pushes and leaves with the rest of the team soon after.

Save yourself. Save yourself. Save yourself.

"Y/n-y/n" Y/F/N stuttered over his words.

Y/n let go of her father's hand and stepped back. He looked different, his hair was colored and lighter, his facial hair was cleaner.

He looked better.

"Dad?" Penelope questioned in the tense silence between the two. Her mouth hung open, and she tilted the side, catching the resemblance of both.

"Can you please show us inside, my sweet, caring father?" Y/n taunted.

Y/F/N was silent as he turned around and led the way to a conference room. It was big, the file box laid out on the table. Y/n cleared it and allowed Penelope to set up her stuff while Y/n starting gather evidence for the rest of the team.

Penelope decided not to push anymore and started looking for what connected the victims, so far unsuccessful.

About 10 minutes later, Y/n pinned the last picture to the board and started her own research when the door flew open.

"Really? You fucking knew and didn't bother to call?" A man screamed at her.

Y/n scoffed as she put down her tablet and pen and leaned back in her chair, arms crossing right above her chest.

"Nice to see you too, James," Y/n spoke, the venom in her voice visible for the man in front of her.

"Chrissy is dead! Cat is dead! And you're mocking me?" He accused.

Y/n got up, slowly, and stood in front of James, their faces so close, Y/n could smell the mint gum coming off his breath.

"One, stop screaming at me. I am not a damn child. Two, I don't know shit. That's not how the FBI works, dumbass." She insulted, growling low in his ear.

Neither of them realized that Derek and Spencer were back already, gaining little evidence from hotel one.

Derek cleared his throat at the sight of his girlfriend chest to chest with another man. They both looked over to him, Y/n's eyes landing on his clenched fist.

She stepped back and took her seat, resuming her work. James watched her carefully, her hand going across her yellow pad with each word she wrote.

"You could have called," He said, loud enough for everyone to hear before closing the door and leaving.

Everyone looked at Y/n, waiting for an explanation.

"Deputy James, everyone," Y/n rolled her eyes at the closed door.

"What does he mean, 'you could have called,'" Spencer accusingly asked.

Y/n only shrugged her shoulders at Spencer's question before making small eye contact with Derek. She quickly broke it, eyes now falling on the brown table.

Derek sat in front of her, leaning in so only she could truly hear the growl in his voice.

"Who was that?"

James's lips smashed onto Y/n's, his hands slowly caressing her back.

"We shouldn't James," Y/n pulled away, still in his grasp.

"We don't have to," James let go and moved back slightly.

Something in Y/N told her it was right, she needed him at this moment, she wanted him.

Nearly jumping in his arms, Y/n's fingers ran through James's hair as their lips connected.

Cupping her ass, James picked up Y/n and walked towards his bedroom. Wrapping her legs around James's waist, Y/n kicked off her shoes and grinded against his covered, hard cock as he closed the door.

"Just an old friend," Y/n replied, opening her tablet and reviewing the crime scenes again.

The tension in the room grew as everyone stayed silent. Emily and JJ joined shortly after, this time with more information. Even with David and Aaron joining the group, Penelope still failed to find out what connect these victims.

Even if it was sitting only 2 feet away from her.

5'oclock hit when the door busted open. Sheriff Feilds and Deputy Diaz busted in with the news of another body. Neither man mentioned who it was and lead the way as everyone, besides Penelope, sped down the blocks of Allen.

Cutting off all blocks access, Aaron took the lead into the hotel as the team followed him. The change in the energy of the room was noticeable. JJ went down the hallways of the floor, trying to calm everyone who had their heads out.

Stepping out from behind the rest of the team, Y/n's eyes immediately hit the body on the bed. Tears lined her eyes as she started to step back, bumping into James. He caught her, arms slightly covering her body.

Y/n quickly moved out of his grasp and closer to the body, careful not to mess up the crime examiner photos or the blood the surrounded the bed. The others looked around the room, hoping to find something that pointed to the unsub.

When the examiners were done with the body, Y/n grabbed a glove from her pocket and put it on before touching the victim's face. This caught Aarons's attention and he moved closer to her, ready to scold her for her lack of protocol.

"Victim is Daniela Choi, age 31, C.O.D seems to be the gunshot to the heart this time. No close relatives, her emergency contact has already been informed of victims condition," Y/n spoke first.

"We didn't contact her EC yet," Emily spoke.

"It's great that we are all here," Hotch said, giving the pilot the ok to take off from the window.

Before Y/n can ask, or even talk to Penelope, she got up and sat next to Hotch. Taking the seat across from Penelope's old one, Y/n opened her phone and started answering emails. The jet took off and Y/n put her phone on airplane mode, silencing it as well.

"Let's start shall we?" Hotch announced gaining everyone's attention. "This is one is bad. Across 3 hotels in Allen, four women have been found dead, one gunshot to the head and one to the heart." He says as Penny pulls up pictures on her laptop and gives everyone a file.

Opening her's, Y/n's eyes grow wide at the pictures. The first picture taunts her as she flips through the rest of them. She goes back to the front and stares at the picture. Laid out in front of her is victim number one, Christina Middleton. She's turned over, her face only slightly visible to the camera but the DMV photo on Penelope's laptop clarified it for Y/n. Blood leaked onto the floor, from the second gunshot to the heart. Above the bed, the unsub wrote 1/10. In fact, he did that on all the pictures.

The second victim, Catarina Paredes, was also in her bed, this time laid in the opposite direction of the way she was shot. Neither woman saw it coming. Victims 3 and 4 were together. Rose Henry and Sabrina Chains sat at a small table, blood puddled under both of them. They were drinking, a bottle of white wine was open and turned over, the wine on the floor right between both blood puddles.

This unsub was clean, but he was also someone these women knew. He showed remorse. He couldn't have the women face him while he killed them. Y/n saw enough of these to tell. No bullet shells were left and he used blood to write on the walls.

This unsub was on a mission, and from the looks of it, he was getting closer and closer to finishing.

"Y/N?" Emily called out, snapping Y/n out of her trance.

Looking up, Y/n saw everyone looking at her confused. Shaking it off, Y/n jumped right back into the conversation of the connection to how these women were related.

"You ok?" Derek whispered in Y/n's ear.

She nodded, giving him a small smile. Her face falling blank at Rossi's question.

"Isn't Allen your stomping grounds, Y/L/N?" He asked pointing at the file in her hand.

Looking away from the team, Y/N just shrugged her shoulders. "Yea, but I haven't been home in 5 years, so what do I really know about Allen," she tried to play it off.

"Did you know any of these people?" Spencer asked, not so subtly profiling her.

"Not really, victim number 2 won prom queen back when I was in high school, trust me, with the dress she was wearing, you never forget her face."

Y/n wasn't lying, Catarina's dress was to die for. She would know because she helped her pick it.

"Kitty! This one, look! You would look stunning, you're sure to win with this!"

And she did. She won and wore her crown high.

"Hmm," Spencer amused, eyes going to Y/n's leg. She was nervous. Her leg bounced high, right below the table and she looked to the floor.

Whatever she was hiding, Spencer wanted to know.

"So you two weren't friends?" He pressed.

Y/n only shrugged her shoulders in response. Were they friends? I mean friends don't leave when shit gets hard. Friends don't lie. Friends don't build you up only to tear you down. Friends are not supposed to fucking hurt you.

They were not friends.

"No." She mumbled, wincing at the skin she just accidentally ripped from biting her nail.

Spencer kept quiet as Hotch assigned locations. Derek and Spencer were going to the first hotel, JJ and Emily were going to the second, leaving David and Aaron to third while Y/n and Penelope got a head start at the station.

Spreading out around the jet, Y/N took a seat in the back, away from everyone before opening her phone and going to messages.

Reluctantly, she pressed the one from nearly 10 ten days ago.

James Aug.12th,2008 at 10:17 Pm

Look, I know the last time I saw you... it didn't go well but call me.