MJ paces around the room while everyone drops to the couch, unsure of what to do. When she faces them, they stare at her, waiting for another clever, roundabout solution—despite being completely out of ideas. 

A tiny, very tiny, smile tugs at the corner of her lips. 

No one’s ever depended on her like this. 

Maybe she is changing. Maybe Peter’s heroic lessons have worked out for her. After all, she did help an elderly woman cross the street today, even if there are no cars in The Good Place. Maybe her growth in leading this rag-tag team of hopeless dead people is a sign. Maybe it’s a sign that she should... go.

“It has to be me and Brad,” she says, putting her best face forward. All three pairs of eyes widen at her answer. “We’re the ones that lied and dragged you down. We deserve to leave.”

Without missing a beat, Peter and Flash simultaneously say, “Agreed.”

“Wow, thought you’d at least pretend to care,” she murmurs. 

Brad stands up immediately, throwing his hands in the air. “Woah, woah. That Beck guy said we’ve all done bad things here. So let’s look at this ethnically.” 

“Ethically,” Peter sighs quietly. Without looking, MJ can tell his eyes are rolling to the back of his head, brimming with impatience that he’s too good to reveal. Whatever. Whatever. So what if she can tell? It’s not like Peter’s her real soulmate anyway. It’s not like she’s the real MJ of The Good Place. 

Ignoring Peter, Brad points out, “You guys did something bad by helping me and MJ. It’s basic consequentialism. The morality of an action is solely judged on its consequences.”

Peter claps his hands and stands up. “Now you’re learning? Now?”

“Peter’s done worse stuff than me! I just minded my own business. I pretended I didn’t even talk, man. He murdered Ned! He murdered my best friend!”

“I was trying to stop you from doing it!” 

“Ned is not your best friend,” Flash stands up. “There’s a Ned in every neighborhood!”

“Well, this Ned is MY best friend. We exchanged friendship bracelets.”

 “Oh my God,” MJ groans. “B-Dog, let’s discuss this in the other room.”

MJ drags him away. 

“What?”

“Come on, dude. You barely paid attention to Peter’s classes. Peter has worked way too hard for us to just send him to the Bad Place,” she says. “He’s helped me a lot, Brad.”

“Fine.”

“Really? That was easy.”

“Whatever, dude. But if they want to tear someone’s asshole out, you’re going first,” Brad points out.

“Fine, sure. It’s not like we won’t be tortured for the rest of our damn lives,” MJ retorts, dragging him back into the living room. “Alright, Team Meeting. Brad has agreed to come with me to the Bad Place.”

Peter and Flash stare at her, speechless. 

“Yeah. Bye, Flash. Sorry I wasn’t a good soulmate,” Brad says. “You can clean my bud-hole out once we disintegrate.”

“We’re not going to disintegrate,” MJ says.

“Yet,” Brad adds.

She walks away, heading closer to Peter. There’s a frown etched upon his face. How does heartbreak feel so real in heaven? How is she going to tell Peter that she’ll miss him? Maybe even think about him sometimes in between torture sessions? 

“It’s been real, my dude,” she blurts out. Peter grins. “Sorry. I just... I’m not saying goodbye or ending things. Kinda how I always end things.”

“Checks out,” he grins at the ground momentarily, before his smile begins to fall. “I feel like I failed you.”

“No, no Peter,” MJ says, tearing up. “Don’t say that.” She places her hands on Peter’s shoulders. “I fell into a cave. You were my flashlight.” 

Before Peter can say anything, Flash interrupts their moment, pulling MJ into an embrace. “I’m gonna miss you, girl.”

She laughs. “I’ll miss you, too.” 

They all pull into one, final group hug. MJ didn’t think she could ever care about anyone so much until being here, until learning how to be better—how to actually think about others before herself, unlike how she’d been raised.

There’s a pounding on the door before they can head out.

It bursts open.

Michelle. Well, the other Michelle. MJ squints. What does she want? She can have her soulmate after MJ leaves. 

“I’m taking one of the slots for the Bad Place.”

“What?!” they all shout, aside from Brad who smiles, “Awesome!”

MJ shoves Brad. 

Peter steps forward to Michelle, frowning. “What? Why?”

“Everyone else here has a soulmate... and my soulmate doesn’t love me.” Peter shifts his feet. MJ watches carefully as his body language shifts when Michelle points out, “I don’t know if you love MJ or Flash or whoever else is here in this neighborhood, but... you don’t love me. Which means that this... will never be my Good Place. I’m going. So pick one more person.”

Without time for anyone to disagree, she disappears through the front door as fast as she walked through.

“Sooo,” MJ smacks her lips. “Let’s just get this over with. I’ll go. You three stay.”

“Yes!” Brad says, turning to Ned. “We did it!”

Ned pulls him into a hug.

“No, you’re not going,” Peter says. “I’m going.”

“Wh.. what?” MJ asks. 

“Michelle—the other one you know—she’s my soulmate. Or was. She’s only going down there because she thinks I don’t love her.”

“Well do you?” Flash asks. 

“Please don’t ask me that. My stomach hurts more than when Doc Ock used to punch me down to the ground.”

A beat. MJ rolls her eyes, “Peter, you’re ridiculous. I’ve already made up my mind. I’m going. End of story.”

“I’m going,” Flash says. 

“What?” MJ asks. 

“I’m going and replacing Michelle. Peter and I will go together. I think we can really work out no matter where we end up.”

“You do realize that the Good Place isn’t a couple’s retreat right?”

As they continue to bicker with each other, Brad jumps up and down in his couch, thinking and assuming that everyone else will go aside from him. He’s celebrating endlessly in a way that makes the migraine in MJ’s head grow harder and harder. Flash and Peter speak over each other too loudly for her to even understand what they want. 

MJ doesn’t argue any longer, throwing her head back in agony as if the migraine she has now is a migraine that never left since the moment she got here. In fact, every single moment has been agony. The Good Place has stressed her out more than when she lived her life on Earth as a horrible human being. 

It’s almost as if...

“Holy, motherforking shirt balls.”

They all fall silent. Peter asks, “What?”

“Wow,” MJ laughs. “Wow. Beck! Harrington! Come here. We’re ready.”

The doors slide open. Beck asks, “Is everything okay?”

“We’ve made a decision. Peter and I are going to the Bad Place.” The two gentlemen look shocked, but she can see right through their eyes if those really are eyes. 

“Huh?” Peter asks.

“But,” Harrington stutters, “But what about the Real MJ—”

“No. We decided. It’s me and Peter. Call the train.”

Beck says, “I don’t accept this. It’s supposed to be Brad and MJ.”

“Nope. Nope! You said two people. It’s me and Peter. Come on, let’s go.” She glances quickly back at Peter, who's looking at her as if she’s speaking nonsense. It hasn’t clicked for anyone else yet. She stares directly into Harrington’s eyes. “Ready when you are boss.”

A beat. Then Peter asks, “MJ, what’s going on?” 

She nods her head, smiling at the two men in front of her as she turns to Peter. “It took me a while to figure it out. But just now? When we were all fighting and yelling at each other and each of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought… wow this is torture. And then I realized… they’re never going to call a train to the Bad Place.”

MJ points back to her. “We’re already here. This… this is the Bad Place.”

All four look at Harrington, not needing to wait for a response before he laughs maniacally at them. “Oh, man. I can’t believe you figured it out. Oh, God! MJ, you ruined everything, you know that? You really suck! I was so close to pulling it off.”

MJ crosses her arms in victory. Harrington drops to the couch behind him, knocking a lamp down on purpose. 

“Wait, so MJ’s right?” Flash asks.

“Yep, she’s right as rain,” Harrington laughs. “MJ figured it out.”

“No, this doesn’t make any sense. This is paradise,” Peter says. 

“Peter, it looks like Paradise, but to me, this is a neighborhood full of a clusterfork of our anxieties. I’m surrounded by people who are quite literally better than me. Brad wasn’t allowed to talk, which tortured Flash, who tortured Brad right back for forcing him to talk. I was tortured into trying to be a Good Person, which tortured Peter because he had to be a good soulmate to me. Then, that tortured Flash because Peter doesn’t like Flash.”

“You don’t like me?” Flash pouts.

“Please don’t ask me that,” Peter groans.

MJ points at the two of them. “See?! We’ve all been set to torture each other since the moment we got here! Harrington played us!”

Harrington frowns. “Damn, this sucks.”

“No, it doesn’t,” MJ says. “You really thought you could group the four of us to torture each other… I can see it… A vigilante superhero… a straight-up selfish lawyer… a clueless jock turned failed student-athlete… A rich fraud… You thought we could do this for 1,000 years… but instead, we cared for each other. We helped each other.”

She glances back at the three of her new friends.

“We became a team. So, the only thing you succeeded in doing… was bringing us together.”

Harrington’s eyes pop open. “That’s right. That was my mistake. I brought you together. Put you too close to each other. Next time, I have to separate you!”

Peter asks, “What? Next time?” 

“Yeah, I’m going to erase your memories and try it again once the boss gives me approval!” Harrington rushes out to meet with Beck. 

MJ’s heart is pounding, racing faster than she’s ever known. She has to find a solution. She looks to the rest of them, clueless. Helpless. They look to her like she knows an answer. 

She grabs Peter’s nearest ethics novel, rips the first page, and scribbles something down. 

“Ned,” she turns over to face Ned. “You can’t swallow or eat things right?”

Ned smiles. “No!” 

“Open wide!” MJ instructs Ned as he listens happily, opening his mouth and accepting the crumpled-up piece of paper just before Harrington comes back in.

“Well, are you all ready?” he grins. “Of course you are, you won’t remember.”

“You know what, Harrington? Do your worst. We figured it once, we can do it again. Because you know what Harrington? Ya bas–”

A white flash clouds all of them.

One.

Two.

Three. 

-

MJ opens her eyes in a white room, glancing around, and sees a wall with painted affirmations. 

Everything is fine. 

“Michelle?” an unfamiliar voice comes from behind her. “I’m Mr. Harrington. It’s nice to meet you.”

–

After touring the neighborhood, MJ stands alone now in a house full of clowns, having lied her ass on the first day in freaking heaven. She takes a deep breath, though she barely lets it out until she hears a quiet ding.

Someone appears in front of her, as if out of nowhere. 

“Woah. Who are you?” she yells, backing away at the man whose smile widens from ear to ear. 

“Ned. I think this is for you,” he hands her a crumpled paper. “I found it in my mouth when I was rebooted.”

MJ blinks. “What?” 

It’s not possible. She just got here. She grabs the paper, opening it up. 

MJ - find Peter. 

She furrows her eyebrows.