#miuli

idk what i feel when fp make su!cide jokes. i love her so much and she's so brilliant and amazing and the best person ever and i hate how little she thinks of herself and that shes only really good for being funny or helping people/letting people vent and traumadump on her whilst shes also suffering from depression and sh.

i want her to feel comfortable around me and let her know that ill always be there for her and ill never judge but goddamnit... i wish she would just stop making "ah ill jump out the window" or "aha I'll just stab myself and bleed out" jokes... it's disturbing and sad and i have no idea how to offer her support.

i used to be really hypersexual as a child/teen and now im pretty sure im asexual...

nothing csa related happened to me but i was verbally abused and went through some stuff..

idk i hate how i ruined any friendships that i couldve had or any sort of platonic relationship by making everything sexual.

-miuli

my grades aren't as good as people think they are and im pretty average. and i purposefully "play dumb" and act like i dont think im above average but I enjoy making people think im smart and above average by "accidentally" putting my papers that get A* face up, or people getting a glance of it and they think they were being sneaky. though i never meant for it to be like that, i just didn't want to talk abt my grades since i knew i wasnt as good as everyone else and i didn't mind being slightly less secretive about my good grades.

i was "mature for my age" and basically psychoanalysed myself since the end of primary school bc i had to figure out how to be better and basically built my personality from the ground up by watching people around me i admired or interviews of people i admire.

and one of my friends has expressed how cool they find it that im so good at picking up details about people and how good my memory is and how i can read body language so well. and im like Eh, it's Normal People Stuff yk. whilst knowing full well that i spent my entire childhood not knowing what was wrong with me that no one wanted to be friends w me. i dont talk much and when i do, it's like a game to me. see how much i can get the other person to share about themselves or how much i can find out about them and how little about myself i can add. mostly, just asking questions and stuff makes it pretty easy to just listen to what people have to say and they never notice that i havent shared anything about myself.

idk. it's weird. i dont know who i am and im not interested in that bc i was me as a kid and no one wanted to be friends w that kid. now i have a big group of friends and get along w everyone in my classes.

life and people are a game to me. i enjoy being able to predict how interactions will go down and how much i get to know about people and how little people know about me.

-miuli

but the more i talked and yelled and spilled out the years of abuse and neglect and emotional fuckery my father has caused... the more i realised it's no big suprise i turned out this way. never being able to get on w kids my own age and always only having my mother as company and at 8 years old having to be the only person there for my mother to vent to, seeing my mother be put through so much pain because of his useless ass and hearing her cry herself to sleep nearly every night. i have bpd (undiagnosed but i meet the criteria points 😬) and my mother was my fp for basically my entire life.

and long story short, my mother was a small town girl whos folks are incredibly wealthy but was often left alone as a kid and never had any friends and the average emo smart kid. and my father came from a narcissistic and verbally abusive household and is a people pleaser/pushover. their marriage started off badly and his side of the family are incredibly selfish and refused to give any gifts or property (which was agreed upon before the marriage and is tradition) bc i was born a girl (woo china and sexism) and theyve recently cheated my father out of a few million pounds which was meant to be for me in the future when im old enough (18 ish ig) and my father aint a bad man. a tad slow in the upstairs department, maybe. but i just dont want to spend time in this household anymore. im so depressed all the time and it's because of him and my younger brother who was only born to keep the family together...im sick of waking up in the morning every day knowing I'll het progressively more upset until i end up crying myself to sleep at the end of the day.

~miuli