#missedu

♡♡♡

It wasn’t a lot. It wasn’t a lot, she told herself as best she could. Sometimes things like this were normal. Sometimes this wasn’t creepy, sometimes this wasn’t off-putting as hell, sometimes this wasn’t absolutely downright scary.

What a load of bull. 

The girl barely muffled the cry of fear that escaped her when shining her phone flashlight up at the walls in front of her. The graffiti sprawled along the bricks practically served a jumpscare, especially when there were so many spray painted drawings of her. 

It ranged from her doing her usual hobbies to wearing clothes she did not own, to closeups of her sleeping? She felt the bile rise to her throat, phone almost falling out of her hands. Her eyes scoured the walls for purchase, for the chance that maybe this wasn’t even her– But the resemblance was way too uncanny. Fuck, her name was right there, signed off in each graffiti’d ‘I LOVE YOU [NAME]’. 

The red spraypaint dripped down to the floor, holding some semblance to the liquidity of blood. Dark enough as it is, her other senses were heightened like hell, so when the slightest creak of the tall gate behind her sounded throughout the otherwise silent underground abandoned subway, she flinched violently.

She turned around, shining her flashlight in the new direction but seeing…nothing, ultimately, save for the creaking gate moving a bit. A sigh racked through her entire system. Relief. This was the most she’d gotten of it this past hour.

Or, well, until footsteps sounded behind her now. She was still facing the gate, absolutely and utterly frozen in all movement. How did they–?! The hairs on her neck stood, eyes blown wide and hand trembling in its shaky grip on her cell. It was a slow thing, how the steps drew nearer and nearer, before two arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her riiiight into their chest.

The face that leant to her ear, hot breath fanning against her skin, it felt familiar, it felt all too familiar. She hated that just from the embrace, she knew exactly who it was. And if not anything else, well?

“You weren’t supposed to see that.”

That voice.

Memories came flooding in like the tide crashing against the shore. Tears sprung to her eyes but she stopped their fall quick. She didn’t want to offer anything. She hardly had much to offer, her body and mind and soul– It was all torn apart right in front of her. She couldn’t do anything about it.

So when Miles Morales, the boy she had once come to love like a best friend, pressed a gently possessive kiss to her neck, she hardly flinched. In fact, it wasn’t until the finger absentmindedly rubbing at her waist left did she actually snap back into reality. 

She was too slow to stop that hand zapping her phone into a smoked heap of nothing, pain flowering in her hand before she dropped it all of a sudden. The warmth of a boy she loved gone now, pulled deeper into him as his hold remained.

The flashlight flicked off, leaving her in nothing but darkness. 

♡♡♡

my dearest one, 

let me correct you: legends do not fade. 

and you have all the means to be legendary. you are storm-forged with every tempest, you are here. you are here. you are here. listen to that rampant beat of your heart & know what it is that i know. legends change — yes, they are unmade by some and retold by others but they do not fade. how else do we hold to these figures of antiquity and still know their names — still bear their burdens — still wage the same war — if not for their legends? 

the day goes and it becomes night and we are struck by the wonder of it. the galactical spread of stars and planets and an unknown. & it is this unknown that you are worrying between your teeth. you trace the same shape over and over with a bruised finger & i know your bones ache and twist and want. ( we are creatures of want — use it right. ) 

follow your legend until you discover a thread of truth. golden, fixed in place to your heart. know it & listen to it: you are here. and with that knowledge, you stand. you let your bones grind against one another as you move — antiquity is not for a creature made of stone and you are flesh and blood and golden. attack your sunrise, it follows the night. discover the spark of your legend and chase it down. 

you are so much more & i love you. i know this weighs so heavy, i know sometimes these words reach ears that cannot hear it but they remain. to change, to grip the storm and control it, you must craft your legend. & that can begin with simply standing up. ( & i await that day, golden heart, i await it with all this love i have for you. ) 

tumblr, hello??

i haven’t used this in 4eva

but hey, hello

today is my 4th anniversary of living in chicago.

things are amazing.

check out my artistic collective i’m running

all of the titles to the journals that i never wrote go: me—not me—me but not me—a how-to guide on human dissection like she never even mattered.

the simplicity in a girl tired of being a litany of redactions, so halve her down the middle in the hope that something good pours out.

                                            or anything at all. now, consider —

i am stuck with this body and reclaiming myself.