#miscarrying

Leyla furrowed her eyebrows, “You pressured me into giving the Prince more children-“ Otto interrupts her with a chuckle, “I did no such thing daughter, it is you who pressured yourself.” He stares her down as Leyla felt sick to her stomach. “Why are you doing this to me!” She screamed, salty tears streaming down her face.

“Ever since I came back to court when mother died, you have done nothing but treat me as an outcast, an object for your little games!” She sobbed as Otto sat back and stared at her. This was the first time she had really ever spoken back in such a manner to her father.

All her pent up emotions were finally spilling. “I will never, forgive you for what you put me through when I was ten-and-five. I fucking hate you!” She grabs the closest object near her, a vase, and throws it in the direction of her father.

Otto was quick to his feet and dodged it, shards flying everywhere. “I think it’s best you leave, Leyla. When word of this comes out, you better hope they don’t think of you as mad.” He steps towards her, taking ahold of her shoulders but Leyla shoves him off of her. “Don’t touch me,” She snaps before leaving the room.

The young Hightower was hyperventilating the whole way back to her bedchambers. Pregnancy sure as hell did amplify hormones. She quickly walked into the room and was glad to not see Daemon in sight.

She paced infront of the firepit as she picked on her nails, an old habit she had picked up from her older sister. Leyla couldn’t stop the tears that streamed down her face. She was hyperventilating bad.

She attempted to calm herself down but it only intensified when she felt something dampening her small-cloths and eventually, running down her leg. Leyla quickly reached up her skirts; she was horrified as she looked down at her hand that was covered in blood.

A loud scream emitted from her lips as she fell to the ground. All the way from his study doom down the hallway, Daemon rushed into their shared bedchambers to see Leyla on the ground, her dress darkened in a shade of red and the carpet beneath her.

Her face red and wet from crying and her hair disheveled. “W-w-why is there so much b-blood Daemon?” She said through sobs as she looked up, teary eyed at her Husband.

Daemon quickly moved to his wife and took her in his arms, rocking her slowly as he kissed her forehead and whispered “You’re okay” over and over. The room smelt of copper. Daemon couldn’t care less if he was covered in blood himself either. He focused on Leyla and only her.

“Just let it happen, Leyla. Everything will be okay,” He held her tighter as he felt a tear roll down his own cheek. He might have seemed composed on the outside, but deep down, he was fucking terrified. He’s never had to handle anything like this and he knew that Leyla was equally terrified. She sobbed loudly in Daemon’s chest as they both grieved their unborn child. Her wails woke everyone in the castle.

Not even a few seconds later, a few footsteps could be heard before they halted infront of the door. Alicent, Otto, and a few other maids and knights had came to see what the commotion was about.

Alicent let out a horrified gasp as her eyes take in the scene before burying her head into her father’s chest. Who only looks blankly at her youngest daughter being comforted by her husband.

Leyla slowly turned her head to the direction of the door where a small crowd began to form. She then made eye contact with her father as another wave of tears fall down her cheeks. The young girl couldn’t bare looking at her father so she turned her bead back around. “Leave us!” Daemon yells as he rubs Leyla’s back in comfort.

The floorboard creaks under his weight. His footsteps echoing through the hallway, and no matter how quiet John tries to be, you hear him. How could you not? You’ve been counting the passing minutes on your alarm clock the moment you went to lie in your bed. Not a minute of sleep as you watched the stars through the slightly open window, enjoying the soft breeze rolling in.

You can feel his eyes taking in your stiff form, and all the warmth that your bedroom once held is escaping from that same open window. The floorboard creaks softly again as he makes his way to the bed, the sound bounces off the walls, slowly escaping in to the night.

John doesn’t say a word when he lays down next to you, his back facing you, and he lays as far away as he can be. You want to talk to him, tell him you love him, tell him you miss him, beg him to please talk to you. With a soft sigh you turn around, facing his back and you want to reach out, caress the warm skin with your fingertips, but you don’t dare to. Instead your eyes take in every little detail of the skin that is illuminated in the soft light of the moon.

A lump forms in your throat, and you swallow it. “John?” Your soft whisper fills up the night.

John remains silent, a low growl rumbling from within as he tries to resist the urge to lash out at you for talking. The gentle rustling of the sheets and his light, consistent breathing signals to you that John is awake, but he won’t budge and acknowledge you.

The tense atmosphere in the room is suffocating, forcing a sharp breath out of you, as you contemplate reaching out, despite knowing that John had grown to hate your touch.

He had been like this ever since he came home from a mission, finding out that you had miscarried. You had wanted him to be there for you, and you wanted to be there for him, but instead he shut you out.

Refusing to talk to you, to even look at you. You bring the covers up to your chest, you back exposed under that same soft moonlight. “I love you.” It is a soft whisper again, almost as if you don’t dare to say such words to him.

His body tenses up, a deep inhale hissing through his clenched teeth as he fights with his own conflicted thoughts. His silence weighs heavily on the air, like an ominous cloud looming over you, his face and body hidden from you as he tries to resist giving you even a little sliver of comfort. Your soft whisper into the silence of the room stirs John’s heart in the depths of his soul, his body wanting to relax but his mind telling him not to.

You had expected this reaction from him, you got it every time you tried, but that didn’t mean it would hurt any less. You press your eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears, you had learned to cry silently, not a sob, not a single sound would come out of you, just your hot tears. So you rolled over again, your back facing his so you could let your tears roll freely.

Hours drags by as you both lie in the darkness, your tears cascading down your face while John remains turned away from you. His mind is locked in a struggle, the memory of your sweet smile and sparkling eyes haunting him. His body yearns to reach out to you, wrap his arms around you, and finally pull you close, but his mind won’t let him.

If you listen close enough you can almost hear John’s tortured heart, fighting his own self-created demons within, the pain in his soul tearing him apart.                                                                                                                                                                   

You watch until the clock reaches 5AM, and you can’t stand to be in bed any longer. As you get out of bed the silken covers slide off your body as you put your robe on, you hair sways with your movement as you walk out of the bedroom, the floorboard creaking under your weight. Your breath hitches in your throat when you have to walk past the unfinished nursery, a reminder of what you have lost.

John watches you as your bare feet slip against the wooden floors as you make your way outside of the room. John’s body is tight, his muscles trembling as he hears your footsteps leave the room, his body urging him to rush after you and force you to come back to bed with him.

But his mind keeps him rooted to the bed, his brain frozen in the memories of your miscarriage as the guilt tears him apart. His eyes are glazed over and wide open, the sight of you in the unfinished nursery burning a painful memory into his mind.

Your fingers caress the unfinished crib, your fingertips gliding across the wood. As you look through the room the little clothes break your heart, your hand automatically goes to your stomach, as you miss the little kicks you once felt.

You lean forward to press a kiss on the little teddy bear John had won for you on the fair, right after the two of you found out about the pregnancy. The memories, the pain, it all becomes too much and you know you have to leave the nursery before you can’t hold back the sobs any longer. Your footsteps are the only sound in the house as you walks down the stairs, leaving an air of sadness behind.

John forces himself to his feet, his body tense with grief and rage as he hears you make your way back downstairs, the moonlight slipping through the blinds, casting an eerie glow over the bed.

He steps towards the nursery too, and a millions thoughts flow across his mind as he hears your footsteps disappear back downstairs, his heart wanting to follow your and beg for forgiveness but his mind is telling him to stay put.

His fingers tighten into fists as he fights against every fibre of his body to stay hidden in the darkness. His eyes are wide and wild as he looks into the nursery, the memories of your miscarriage play on a loop in his head.

You’re seated at the dining table, a mug of warm tea in front of you, another mug across from you. You had always made John a mug of tea too, you had done if before the pregnancy, during it, and you hadn’t stopped after. John hadn’t drank your tea in a while now, just like he hadn’t spoken to you. You can hear his get on his feet upstairs, and in response you just blow on the hot tea, before you bring the mug to your lips and take a sip. Your eyes wander to the window, and you take in the beauty of the world, even when that same world is being cruel to you.

John walks by and he sees you sitting at the dining table, the moonlight spilling into the window, revealing the pain in your eyes. His heart tightens with guilt as he sees you, his body shaking with every emotion that runs through his.

He takes a seat across from you, his muscles tense and tight as he stares at the mug of tea in front of him, breathing out with frustration and grief in every sigh. His face is twisted in frustration, anger, guilt and pain but he remains silent. He can’t bring himself to look at you, unable to look into those sad eyes he once adored.

You know he has taken a seat across from her, but you can’t bear to look at him too. No matter how desperate you want to reach out again, you can’t anymore, your heart being broken enough already. The grip on your mug of tea tightened as you took another small sip, your eyes staying on the backyard, the flowers you planted earlier this your are blooming.

One of your hands lets go off the mug, and while you still can’t look at him, you place your open hand on the table, the palm facing upwards, an invite to take it.

John stares at your outstretched hand on the table, his own hand trembling violently as a part of him desperately wants to take it. The memories of you together wash over him, his mind drifting back to the joy and love you felt together, the future that was denied to you by a twist of fate. The feelings of guilt, anger and regret rush through his veins as every fibre of his body yearns to take you hand an make everything better. But his mind is holding him back, the pain of the miscarriage overwhelming every other thought within his tortured soul.

You take the hint, and you pull back your hand again, gripping your mug tightly. You don’t know how much longer you can take this, how much longer you can stay in a marriage like this, but the thought of divorce scares you, besides, who in their right mind leaves while you are both grieving?

But you’re only human, and you crave someone to hold you and console you.

John takes a deep breath, willing himself not to give in. He wants to hold your hand, hug you and console you like he once used to.

The cold war between the two of you has been going on for far too long and John’s mind can’t take the emotional damage anymore. He can’t bear to see the emptiness in your eyes,, or the sadness in your voice, and he can’t stand not touching you ever again. He takes a moment to prepare himself before leaning forward to take your hand.

Your breath hitched in your throat as he takes your hand and it caused you to freeze. You don’t know what to do, if you should caress the back of his hand with her thumb, or if you should kiss him, talk to him. You’re scared, scared that you’ll ruin this little moment, so all you can allow yourself to do is to look at your hands and have the tiniest smile on your face.

John’s hand trembles as he firmly grasps yours, your skin feels warm and gentle. Despite his efforts, the floodgates of his emotions break loose, tears streaming down his face. He can’t help but lean forward, to pull you off you chair and into his body, holding you in a tight embrace as he finally snaps. He cries into your shoulder, his whole body shaking in grief and regret. The weeks of trauma and pain all come out at once in a deep sob – a cry for help and for you, a cry for love and for comfort.

Your heart feels heavy as he finally snaps, and all you can do is hold him. Hold him in a way he hadn’t allowed you to hold him for weeks. He is crying into your robe, but that is the least of your concerns, you’re just grateful to have your husband in your arms again, to see him release the emotions he has been building up for so long. So you just continue to hold him, your hand on the back of his neck, gently cradling him.

John buries his face into your shoulder, wrapping his arms around you as he sobs into your chest, his whole body is tense, the weeks of  trauma and agony slowly seeping from his soul.

He’s finally able to find comfort, the touch of your skin soothing his pain and the warmth of your embrace calming the storm inside his soul.

He could stay like this forever, the feeling of your body against his a reminder of the love and tenderness he once felt for you. You break through the wall around his heart and shatter the barricade that had kept you away for so long.

You’re hesitant, not wanting to push him way, but you need him just as much as he needs you. You press your lips against his hair, taking in his scent once more. Your arms tightening around him, as you hold him close to your heart.

John sighs heavily, the warmth of your touch and the sound of your heartbeat filling him with joy as he clings to you. His grips tightens around you, his heart filled with love and gratitude as the feelings of pain and anguish slowly fade away, replaced by the joy and tenderness he once felt with you.

He breathes in deep, the smell of you filling his nose and flooding his mind with wonderful memories of your time together, the love that once defined the two of you.

It had been about three weeks since you and Joel had sex on the ground in a sleeping bag for the first time.  Since then, Joel has been a bit grumpy, moody, and constantly correcting you with things. He no longer treated you like you were less than human, or that you were a plague that walked this Earth. However, he was just a bit more moody than usual. He still didn’t want to talk about what had happened between the two of you, that much was for certain. You learned within the first week that you were never going to talk about what happened with him, or at least not right away because as he put it “we ain’t gonna fucking talk about it, so fucking leave it” was always his response no matter what you tried to say.  So you left it alone as you didn’t want to bring out the worst in him again.

Each day the three of you would trek closer to Jackson in an attempt to find Tommy, Joel's brother. Ellie had finally eased up a bit on Joel about catching the two of you in a sleeping bag humping, if only she knew what happened after that you thought, but you could never say it out loud. You noticed that the banter between Ellie and Joel was easier, more joking and fun, and you could see how much Joel cared for her as a daughter. You also noticed how much Ellie started to look at Joel like a father figure. 

One night when the three of you were collecting firewood, Joel was moving slow as his back was sore and he was tired. Ellie decided to really lay it on thick with the jokes and said with a smirk on her face "So pops, how does one your age still keep up and stay alive. I mean you’re old?” As he stood there glaring at her he eventually let out a huff and shook his head and said "look here little girl, one day you're gonna be my age and then you'll see."

"And how old is that Joel, huh?" Ellie teased while helping Joel with the firewood. When he didn't answer her right away you decided to chime in and say "he's 52" while setting your logs down next to Joels. Ellie looked at you shocked that you knew his age and Joel just scowled at you.  “52? Like that’s like ancient. Joel you’re older than dinosaurs, right?” Ellie quipped with a cocky smirk on her face. Joel just stared at Ellie and started grinding his teeth slowly, you knew his age was a sensitive subject for him, though you never really knew why. Feeling a bit frisky at wanting to be included in the conversation for once, you chimed in “Ellie you’re technically not wrong. Some dinosaurs lived to be over 50 and some were long dead before 50. So yes, he’s definitely in the dinosaur category.” 

As soon as you finished your statement you heard silence.  You looked over at Ellie and she had her mouth wide open just staring at you. She occasionally glanced over to Joel who was also just glaring at you from your statement. Finally after a moment, Ellie burst out laughing and eventually both you and Joel burst out laughing too.  Pretty soon all three of you were crying because you were laughing so hard. It was the first real laugh that you three had like this in a long time, and damn it felt good, especially when Joel was laughing with you. After a moment, Joel was the first person to speak wiping his eyes while saying “look here smartass, I’m not 52, I’m 53. My birthday was a few weeks ago.” You were going to ask Joel when, but Ellie beat you to it by saying “53, the dinosaur turned 53 and didn’t tell us, what the hell Joel?” 

“Didn’t want to make a fuss, it’s just another day and another year older” Joel said. Ellie then started arguing with Joel about not telling you guys about his birthday and the importance of birthdays when you heard him yell at her “my birthday ain’t something special kid, ok. It just means that I’m a year older in this god for saken world. But if ya wanna know, it was the night it was bitterly cold. So happy fucking birthday to me” and then he stormed off. 

You stood there frozen as your mind raced from remembering that night of his birthday, the night you and Joel ended up having sex for the first time. “I don’t hate you, never have…If ya still want to leave, I’ll let you… Fuck baby, you’re so god damn tight. God, I need this…I’m not stopping baby, I don’t fucking care who sees or hears us…we aren’t going to talk about it anymore, clear.” 

As your mind finished racing from that night you felt tears streaming down your cheeks silently. That night was Joel’s birthday, the night you wanted to leave because of Joel being an ass. You didn’t know why but you felt emotional about this fact. “God, I need this” statement he made that night kept playing over and over in your head. You thought he just needed sex that night, but what he needed was someone to show him that they wanted him on his birthday, show him that someone cared. “God you’re so stupid” you heard you tell yourself as you wiped the tears from your eyes.

“Yes you are” you heard Ellie say. As you looked up you saw her staring at you. She looked around for a moment before approaching you and saying “do you really think I didn’t know that you and Joel were having sex that night?” You tried to say “we weren’t” when she cut you off. 

“Don’t. I may be younger than you, but I’m not fucking stupid. I was hoping you two would finally give in to whatever the fuck has been going on between you two, but apparently Joel is more emotionally constipated than I thought.” Ellie said in a low voice shaking her head. You heard yourself give a little snort at her claiming that Joel was emotionally constipated because well, she was right. “It doesn’t matter Ellie” you heard yourself saying “he doesn’t, we don’t-” 

“Oh shut up,” Ellie said louder while rolling her eyes and pointing in the direction that Joel went. “You are just as emotionally constipated as he is. God, go talk to him and tell him.”

“Ellie” you said interrupting her. “He doesn’t want to talk about what happened he’s made it-”

“I know he doesn’t want to talk about it, but damn it, it was his birthday and he obviously needed you that night so fuck…I don’t know,  go and like say something to him or something” Ellie yelled at you frustrated. When you didn’t respond Ellie threw her hands up in the air and said out loud to herself storming away “apparently I got two emotionally constipated old idiots I have to travel with that act more like freaking children than me. Fuck.” 

As you stood there watching her walk away you heard a familiar voice behind you say “what’s her problem?” Without turning around and facing Joel you said “she’s mad at us and called us both emotionally constipated old idiots.” You heard him snort behind you while saying “why would she call us that?”  You turned around slowly and noticed that Joel was towering above you looking down and you both stood there within close proximity staring into each other’s eyes and you thought to yourself what in the hell is Joel Miller thinking.

As Joel stood there looking down at you he noticed that your eyes were bloodshot and your cheeks were rosey.  He knew the only time that happened was when you were crying, but he didn’t know why. He reached out and slowly rubbed soothing strokes down your cheek saying “why does she think we’re emotionally constipated idiots?”  He had a suspicion of why Ellie would say that, but he wanted you to say it first. He knew that Ellie had seen the two of you that night when you had sex. When you both were finished that night and he stood up to fix his belt back on his pants he happened to glance over to were Ellie was sleeping and saw that she was wide awake and staring at you two.  At first he was upset as he just realized that he had sex in front of a teenager, and the thought made him sick to his stomach as he knew better than that. Ellie had tried to approach him several times afterwards and each time he’d say ‘Ellie, it’s not your concern ok, mind your own damn business.’ She’d already called him emotionally constipated more than once regarding the topic, but he wanted to hear you say the reason just in case she hadn’t told you yet that she saw the two of you. 

After a few moments of staring up into Joel’s eyes you decided that he wasn’t going to move until you gave him an answer, and this was one answer you didn’t want to give him.  You tried to think of a convincing lie to say that didn’t involve admitting to him what Ellie said.  But you also knew that whatever it was that you were going to tell him he would go and talk to Ellie about it later, especially since he found you crying yet again. So you decided that the truth would be better in this situation. So you looked down, took a deep breath and said, “she saw us that night. The night we- um- the night of your birthday.”  When he didn’t respond right away you took another big breath and added “she saw us having sex Joel, and she told me we both were emotionally constipated, and that we both needed to talk about it.”

You honestly waited for the explosion, for the yelling or screaming to start from him, but it never came and you didn’t understand why.  Everytime you had even attempted to bring up this topic he’d always shut you down and yell at you stating that you two were never going to talk about it. So his silence bothered you as this wasn’t Joel. You dared to look up into his eyes at this point wondering if he was seething with anger or just shocked at what you had told him. When you glanced up in his eyes you didn’t see any anger or hatred or impending violent reaction, what you saw was compassion and softness.  Joel continued to stroke his finger over your cheek and said “I know. I know Ellie saw, I knew it when I was fixing my belt, I looked over and saw she was awake.”

Now it was your turn to freeze and become absolutely frigid, she saw and Joel knew. Why didn’t he say something you thought to yourself.  As if he could read your mind he said “I didn’t say anything cause I didn’t want to upset ya. Baby, I don’t want you thinking bad about what we did that night. I don’t want you regretting it.”  

Before you could stop yourself, you snapped at him and said “I don’t regret it, but obviously you do. You won’t even look at me, hold me, kiss me, or fuck- even talk to me about it. Hell, you’ve hardly spoken two words to me at all since that night. I don’t regret it, but obviously you do.”  When you looked up at him you felt him go rigid and then you saw the anger come back into his eyes as he looked at you not moving and not saying anything. You stood there thinking Ellie was right, he is emotionally constipated and I’m tired of it. So you did the one thing that you know not to do, you decided to poke the bear named Joel by further saying “I get it Joel, I was a pity fuck. I get it. You’ve made it perfectly clear to me that you regret everything and that you hate me."

When Joel didn't respond you turned to walk away. You knew he was seething with anger, you could tell it by the way he was grinding his teeth, a nervous tick he did when he was angry, upset, or in deep thought. When you shook your head and turned to walk away you didn't see him reach out to you. He grabbed you hard by the shoulders and spun you around and said in a stern voice "when the fuck you gonna get it through that thick head of yours that I don't fucking hate you, huh? And for the record, you ain't a pity fuck."

"Then when are we going to talk about it, huh?" you said with a little bite to your voice, as your anger was also slowly rising at his outburst at you.

"There's nothing to fucking talk about" he replied. 

Once again you stood there looking at the man you cared for glaring back at you with anger and you were exhausted and frustrated.  Joel never wanted to talk about feelings or emotions. He never wanted to acknowledge his love for Ellie as a father or what his feelings were for you, if he had any. You understood the whole dating role was not really present much in a world where survival was the focus. But you wanted to know what he viewed you as, if you meant something more to him than just a tag along person in the wilderness. You knew Joel wasn't going to define what your relationship was, but you wanted to know if kissing and sex would ever come about again. So with a sigh you asked him the question you've been avoiding. "Joel, are you ever gonna kiss me again or are we ever gonna have sex again?"

When he didn't answer you at first, you knew what his answer was, so you looked down and whispered "please Joel, I need you to say it out loud so I know."  You stood there in silence for a long time, trying to will your tears not to sting your eyes as you waited for an answer.  You honestly didn’t think he was going to give you one, but when he never left after a bit you decided to look up into his face.  When you looked up, you saw that he was looking down at you with a pained look on his face. “Please Joel, I-I just need to know what you think of me. If I was just- if you just wanted-” you couldn’t finish the sentence.  You couldn’t say I want to know if I was just a birthday fuck and nothing else.  You felt him stare at you as you attempted to say the words and when you couldn’t, you just looked down at your feet again and struggled with the tears that once again were about to fall.

After a moment, you heard Joel exhale and felt him tenderly grab your chin to tip your chin up to look at him once again. Then he very gently said "baby, nothing good ever comes from kissin' in this world. I'm-"

You didn't let Joel finish before you backed away and said "You're right. How silly of me to think a man actually cared about me. You’re no different than Dave, then man who said he loved me but attempted to kill me a few years before you. Silly me to think that I was ever good enough for anyone. I wasn't ever good enough at home before all of this shit happened in the world, wasn’t good enough for Dave, and now not good enough for you. Jesus, can I be any more stupid?” you said with a sarcastic laugh.

“Oh, and for the record Joel, this is the clear definition of what a pity fuck is. So happy fucking birthday right? I'm sorry I wasn't the present you clearly fucking wanted." And at the end of that sentence you felt the sob escape your mouth as you turned around and walked away. You stormed past Ellie and kept walking in the woods, you were so upset that you never thought to grab your gun or your pack. You needed to clear your head and think, and you couldn't do it with them nearby. So when you heard Ellie yell back asking where you were going, you didn't answer, you just kept walking. With each step you took you felt your heart shattered for the man you loved. You had your chance again to tell him, maybe you should have but if he didn't feel anything for you, why would you voice your silly little feelings to him. 

Darkness had descended and somewhere in your storming off in anger you got turned around and lost. Usually it didn't matter in the winter as you could always follow your footprints back, but sometime in the last hour your footprints had disappeared because of the wind. You couldn't walk back in a straight line because you knew you had not followed one. So you kept wandering and eventually you sat down next to a tree and closed your eyes to let the cold sting your face and dry the tears that were streaming down your face from anger and sadness combined.

Several hours had passed and Joel was very anxious of why you hadn’t returned.  Ellie and him had gotten into a hell of an argument of what had happened.  Joel at first attempted to brush it off saying that it wasn’t something of concern, but when Ellie called out his bullshit and stated that she had heard the conversation all he could do was look down.  He did care for you but he didn’t know how to express it.  Apparently the way he was going about it was wrong and he knew it. God, why am I so stupid? he thought to himself.  

When darkness hit his slight worried state turned into complete panic.  Darkness was not something where people should be defenseless in the world anymore, especially when they didn’t have their pack or their gun with them.  He frantically packed up a bag of medical supplies, bullets, food, and his knife and gun.  He told Ellie to stay by the campfire and to shoot anything that came at her that wasn’t the two of you. 

As Joel stormed into the wilderness. He had no idea where you went, what you were thinking, or what you felt.  He was searching for you for what felt like an eternity, trying to see where you went. Right before he was going to give up thinking that he could search better in the daylight he stumbled across you sitting with your back against a tree. He approached you slowly and called out to you. When you didn’t respond he felt his gut clench as he hoped that you weren’t injured or dead because of his stupidity. Finally, when he got up to you he knelt down and reached out to touch your leg as he gently called you by your name.  When you slowly opened your eyes and looked at him he grabbed you and held you close. 

You were so numb from the cold, and from the physical and mental exhaustion that you were limp in his arms.  As he cradled you against his chest you heard him let out a small sob as he said “baby I’m sorry, ok? You’re wrong. You ain’t a pity fuck. God damnit-I care about ya, you hear me? I c-care. I just don’t know how to do this. Please- please come back to me honey. Please don’t leave.”

As you heard and felt him cry into your shoulder you slowly started to wrap your arms tighter around him. In all of the years you have known Joel, you’ve never seen him get emotional like this. He sounded and felt like a man that was breaking and you really didn’t understand the reasons why. You didn’t want to give him another chance, but what could you do. You still loved him even though he hurt you. But you knew that you weren’t going to get the relationship that you wanted. So as you hugged him back and said “It’s okay Joel, I’ll stay” you knew you couldn’t lower your guard completely down again, not without him shattering you. So as you hugged him you forced your internal walls up around you in your mind. This is the last time Joel’s going to shatter me, you thought.

2 Weeks Later

It had been 2 weeks after you and Joel had your horrible argument where you stormed off and he found you sitting against the tree.  After you had held each other that night, he helped you up and helped to walk you back to camp.  That night Joel never slept much as he kept watch of you.  Ellie and you shared a sleeping bag that night, against Joel’s better judgement. He wanted to keep you warm but when he offered you, you just looked at him and had said one single word and that was “no.”

Since then you guys were trekking across the country moving closer to Jackson where Tommy supposedly was. After walking in the wilderness for the longest time you guys had stumbled upon an abandoned cabin in the wilderness.  After much discussion, mostly Joel yelling at you or Ellie in anger, you guys had decided to stop and make it a home for a week, just to rest and recoup.  You were on your period that was several weeks late and were having horrible menstrual cramps, something that was not normal for you. You were unable to walk at the fast pace that you normally did, which resulted in Joel and you arguing yet again. During one of your heated arguments about wanting to stay at the cabin and not able to keep up, you felt a horrible stabbing pain in your lower stomach and you doubled over holding your stomach in front of him.  

He had immediately stopped yelling at you and went to your side saying “baby, are you alright? Are you hurt?” while looking you over head to toe trying to find out where you were injured. He never called you baby, except during that one time during sex. You decided not to bring that up to him as you were in so much pain. Instead you told him you were ok and that you just needed to go lay down for a bit in the cabin. That night Joel slept next to you, holding you close to him while slowly rubbing circles on your hip and lower back as you cried out from the pain in your lower belly, specifically the uterine area.  

From time to time during the night you’d hear him say “Shhh baby, it’s okay.  I got you honey, slow deep breaths for me” as you silently sobbed into his chest from the pain. This was not normal for you to have such horrible menstrual cramps and to be as late as you were on your period. You hope Joel didn’t notice that you were really late with your period. As you laid there that night, having on and off horrible painful cramps, he tried to get you to settle down to sleep. Unfortunately sleep wasn’t something you could do while being in so much pain so that night the both of you didn’t get much sleep.  When you had finally dozed off, you maybe got about 2 hours of sleep when all of a sudden you were woken up to a searing pain in your belly.  It felt like someone was ripping your uterus apart from the inside out.  As your eyes opened you felt and heard Joel breathing slow and even behind you, as he had finally fallen asleep about a half hour after you had.  You slowly slipped out of the bed, trying not to wake him, as the pain kept increasing and your stomach decided to start churning in response to the pain.  You knew that it was only a matter of time before you would be heaving all the contents of your stomach out so you worked extra careful to get out of bed fast to get outside before you lost your stomach contents all over the floor.  You had thought you were graceful in climbing out of bed, but because you were so sick and in so much pain you hadn’t realized that when you slipped out of bed you hit Joel, which startled him awake.

By the time you got to the cabin front door you were practically running. As soon as you hit the outside banister railing you heaved your contents inside your stomach out onto the lawn. As you were retching you felt two strong and rough hands gently grab your hair to hold your hair back, as you continued to vomit. You also felt his one hand drift to your back and he slowly started rubbing it for you until you finished dry heaving.  Finally when you were finished you stood up and whispered “thanks” to him as you wiped your mouth off. After only getting a few hours of sleep, you felt exhausted and Joel looked both wrecked and worried. 

“How late?” Joel asked while standing next to you. But when you didn't answer and had avoided his gaze, he knew. But he still wanted to hear you say it. So he said more sternly  "damn it, how late?"

"2 weeks, Joel ok." you yelled at him for raising his voice. "I'm two weeks late. Not that any of it fucking matters."

"It fucking matters" Joel snapped. You both were so physically exhausted that tempers were flaring once again. As you both stood there in silence you kept watching Joel look at you from your stomach that you were holding, to your face, and then back again. Finally after a moment you sighed and said "Joel, Look I'm- I'm bleeding really heavy ok. And it-it hurts and it doesn't matter if-if we or if- um if I'm…" and then you felt your lower lip quiver as the tears started to flow down your cheeks at the realization that yes you were in fact pregnant, and that you now were having a miscarriage.

As soon as Joel saw your lip quiver he grabbed you and pulled you hard into his chest and held you tight. He heard you let out a sob as you cried into his chest. He didn't stop you because he knew, he knew what you were going through as he and Sarah's mom had gone through the same thing awhile after Sarah was born.  He knew you wanted to be a mom. It was something you two had discussed when you first started out together. You told him you had your period and needed to find some type of rags or cloth to put in your underwear to catch the blood. At first he was furious that you didn't have the scheduled hysterectomy that most women got at the QZ. He had called you irresponsible and a damn fool for not following through with the surgery. But when you explained it to him, we'll more like actually yelled at him, he considered the conversation over and knew that you wanted to have children. But he hoped for your sake that you’d never have kids because having a baby now meant a death sentence sometimes, and he didn't want to think of the possibility of losing you. Now fast forward a year later and he was damn protective over you, whether or not you were (or was) carrying his child. 

As he silently held you he felt his heart ache at the prospect of losing yet again another child. Even though no one knew for sure if you were pregnant, as out here in the wilderness there was no way to tell for sure until you got later in pregnancy. But it didn't matter, he was sure you knew your body. He also knew your cycle and the timing of it, making sure you had extra supplies around that time. He knew you could get cramps occasionally, but nothing like this, and you usually never bled this heavy. He knew something was different and it reminded him of when Sarah's mom had a miscarriage a few months after Sarah was born. 

He stood there with his arms tightly around you gently swaying you side to side humming in your ear that everything was going to be alright and that he was sorry. "What are-are you so-sorry for" you whispered as your sobs started to slow down where you could talk again. 

"For everything darlin'." Joel said. "For treating you wrong, to possibly getting you, um, pregnant, and to- uh- a miscarriage." 

As you stayed wrapped up in each other's arms you heard him sincerely apologize. But when he did you didn't know why he was apologizing for the pregnancy part. Especially when the both of you willingly had unprotected sex all those weeks ago. "It ain't your fault Joel" you said, but he interrupted you by saying "don't tell me it ain't my fault when I was the one that came in ya. I'm a lot older than you sweetheart, I know how this happens and I knew better. It'll never happen again."

When you heard the part of 'it’ll never happen again ' you froze in his arms as you were dreading what he was referring to. You swallowed hard and then said "What part Joel? What part of it ain't happening again that you mean?"

Joel took a moment to think silently to himself and then he gently replied "all of it." It was then that you silently thought to yourself I’m sick and tired of Joel playing with of my feelings and emotions. But it wasn’t something that you could deal with at the present moment, in the meantime, you would allow him to show you compassion over the next few days. But with it you would keep your heart somewhat guarded. You still loved him very much, and you swore to yourself that one day he may learn to love you back. But you knew you couldn’t force it, or force him to face his emotions and feelings toward you. Deep down all of this upset you as you didn’t know where your relationship stood with him.  At one moment he told you that he loved you and didn’t want you to leave, the next moment he’d state that you couldn’t be in the relationship that you wanted with him.  All of this was confusing and you wanted to get to the bottom of why Joel was constantly switching back and forth with you.  But you knew that it was a topic of discussion with him on a different day. 

-End of Chapter 2

Don’t worry, this story will continue with other parts.

Underlust starts with the idea of Toriel miscarrying Asriel which causes a depression in the underground, causing more miscarriages and loss of live due to the lack of HoPe [HP]. The underground becomes underpopulated and the royal scientist makes LusT [LT] (an offshoot of LoVe [LV]) to bring the population back up. By the time the seventh human falls into the underground, LusT is still rampant.

When not pushed to the extreme, this is very realistic for Undertale. Think about the amount of kids, and considering 7 children fall after Asriel's death, let's include teens, you pass on an average playthrough of Undertale. Pushes the lack of kids/teens to the extreme, in younger portrayals of them, we could even say Papyrus and Sans might not be alive.

The concept very well could be an alternate timeline of Undertale, similar to if Asriel and Chara didn't die, or Toriel and Asgore stayed together.

Sticking to the roots of the concept (while using the existing Underlust), suddenly the underground isn't so much overly sex-crazed but trying to survive. It makes the concept closer to Horrortale than Underswap or Underfell. Although of course, it's a fandom and people are free to write/draw things how they want.

With the context of their history, Underlust becomes something solemn and a fight for life. Furthermore, in the context of the multiverse and including the general battles between Nightmare, Error, and the Stars, Lust while he may not be as fight oriented as others, is still a Sans. It's arguable that Lust may better understand HoPe and LoVe/LusT better than any of the stars, having a fight with it everyday.