#mindspills

But she can never truly be herself again with all the reflection gathered. 🥀

11:48PM | chudehydrated | 1.25.2021 photo: ctto

10:53PM | chudehydrated | 01.24.2021 photo: ctto

‪‪ "you are going to get caught one of these days."   Loe looked over at his friend, whose entire attention was on starting the fire in the pit before him.   Loe had no actual idea what Josef was doing, but it had the smell of something illegal and bad.   Josef had told him it was his sin.   He had looked exceptionally happy about having a sin of his own, like he'd made it up and sent a persentation to god to make it legal. He was almost sure he would open a brand new bible and find the sin in there, with a lengthy explaintion as to how it came to be.   Loe smiled to himself, as he leaned back, it was dusk, the best time to burn things. He looked up through the tree branches above him and began to make up great histories behind each deadly sin. Bible school would have been more interesting if someone had given each sin a history.    He looked down at the fire as it began to burn.   "Last night was the last night."   Josef said looking tired.   Loe knew he spoke the truth, something else had caught his attention, he needed to do that now. Even if he loved this more than anything else.   "A person committed sucide when I was in jr high, at that age you couldn't really put together what that was. Or why it happened. But it did, the teacher handed out pamphlet of the warning signs. So you could recognize if someone you knew was going to kill themselves."   He was holding a large pile of paper in his hand, squeezing them tightly. Loe listened to the paper crinkle.   "I still didn't completely get it, but I read it over and over agian. I looked at each class mate and then my friend. Later my family and i put it away after I figured they where all safe from the suicide illness. Later I found it when i was in high school, after a boy in my class had hung himself with a belt, or so I heard."   He tossed the top leaf of paper in the pit.   "I did remember the kid all that well, but i was curious if he followed teh guidelines. I was very descreet in listening and trying to figure out if he did. I finally broke into his house and looked around trying ot see if he left a note, giving the world his reasons."   He was now steadily and carefully placeing the papers into the fire.   "In the process of going through his house, I found all sorts of things I knew you would be embarrassed by if oyu where livng and where found out. But since he was dead they wouldn't really matter. It would only matter to the living, they would be embarrassed, perhaps even shamed. Those little secrets we keep or little things we just don't tell."   He gave a short laugh.   " I hate that list of rules about suicide, really kind of narrows it down to guide line noone should have ot follow."   Loe was still staring up at the sky, it was dark now tho, no light left.   "are those suicide notes?"   Loe asked.   "They are really hard to find, before anyone else does."   He kept throwing them in.   "I wonder will they question, each death and wonder if they where murdered. Dig up thing that will embarass and shame them. I don't think you care about giving the living that courisity when you off yourself. And I don't think they deserve it."   he paused.   "The living I mean."   I give him a snort of a laugh.   What cruel thing to do to the greieving.   "Life is cruel, but then you can die.