#mindbumthoughts

I’ve never really given much gravity to the phrase “to be in your arms” until it’s call I crave.

So I asked my friends out on a Saturday night, considering I haven’t been out in a while - I’m like the legitimate, retired party girl. Anyway, we went to this wine bar in Mckinley called the Planet Grapes. The place definitely reeked of long conversations and expensive side dishes, unlike the former bars that my friends and I used to hang out in. I liked it, actually. There was music in the right volume, so anyone won’t have to shout they way through a conversation.

Anyway, the whole evening was great. We had a lot of catching up to do so we talked about work and their sex lives. I must say, one of my friends have come a long way from being the self-righteous girl (in her own words) to the friend who comes clean about her sexcapades. 

Here’s the thing that bothered me - they went on about sex just being sex. One even said that there’s nothing more to it like hand shaking. I mean really? When they were saying that I just nodded my head, not in agreement, but in respect to their opinion. It really differs, but mostly, I think it’s because they’ve done it already, and they’ve lost their virginity a long time ago. I think it still matters, probably because I’m still a virgin. But even so. I really can’t fathom how the dating world has changed since I started sleeping through my weekends. Do people not believe in having a kiss mean differently when you’re in love and not in love? 

In dire need of change in my life.

How many times have I typed this before?

Should I resign from my current job? Should I go back to school and study (dance? photography? psychology? business?) Drop everything and pursue my passion? But, what am I passionate about? Before it was dancing and appreciating art. Before I believed that I can sell just about anything. Before I believed that the future was within reach. How did I start losing faith in everything I believed in? More importantly, how do I go back? Am I supposed to go back? Should I start believing in something else?

But before I get to it, maybe I should state first why did not give him the time of day...

He was normal guy. He wasn't tall, nor handsome. He'd fit in a crowd and he wouldn't be the first person you see. You'll notice him, sure. That's only because he runs with the wild ones. Even at first glance you'd know that he drinks a lot. For a guy, a normal guy, he actually likes to party. He smokes cigarettes, and, sometimes, not cigarettes. IN a party he'd be attached to his bros, drinking beer or shots. You'd probably find him in the garden or the den, or wherever the stoners were. He never stood out. He still doesn't. I remember seeing him once and I said "Hi", but he didn't notice me. I thought it was strange because, he always sees me  Then I realised he was high. This happened during class.

He used to text me a lot. We'd talk about random things and he'd try to segue into something flirty that never really worked for him. So he tried to stop being flirty, and continued on being nice and funny. Try is the word.

We would talk about random things and how he did not have a goal in life. We'd talk about being lazy, and not exerting that much effort in school.  And while being lazy may seem cool, it's not. I did not know this before but I wanted a guy who had a passion, a drive, a sense of motivation. He was not that guy. He was just high or drunk most of the time. I graduated earlier than he did. I graduated probably two or three terms earlier than him and he did not mind. This was considering the fact that I already purposely delayed myself for one term because I wanted to balance my workload in my organisation and my college thesis.

He was also in love. That was how I met him. The first night I met him, he was still in love. At that time he was already 3 months broken up with his ex. He was drunk and she was all he talked about, and I listened. I was never into him, and I never thought he would ever see me as a rebound. After that first night, that's when he started to flirt with me. I spoke with a common friend and found out that it's true - my only purpose for him at that time was to be his rebound girl. He was a normal guy who did not care about life, and I was his rebound. That fact did wonders for my pride. Thank God I never fell for him.

I'm 21, single as of the moment, and as far as my uptight, old-fashioned fellows are concerned, I've been single since birth.

Single since birth.

There's this certain wall between those who have already been asked to be someone's girlfriend and those who have not. I, sadly, belong to the latter. Don't get me wrong, I've been on dates. I had a prom date, a gorgeous grad ball date, and, hell, I've dated a guy long enough for us to have an extremely painful break up. A break up in which the awful aftermath lasted more than the relationship did. I will not indulge you with the nitty gritty of it, but the point is, I've been considered as someone who has been "Single/No Boyfriend Since Birth" only because I've never had The Big Ask. 

The Big Ask.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" ask. "Will you be mine?" No, I've never had one of those. Not even "So.... are you my girlfriend now?" Nope. As arrogant as I was earlier, I am ashamed to say that even my prom date didn't make a romantic notion into asking me to be his "date". He was just a friend at that time and we only started dating after prom.

I have been asked to go on a date with someone, sure. I've also turned down a few and said yes to some. The point is, I've never had that moment wherein the guy asks you one question that could mean so much and so little at the same time that your brain stops and your heart is on overdrive. Before you know it, your face has already given him the answer because you're smiling through your teeth. The "yes" in you is somehow stuck inside your chest and lungs and throat but you still manage to screech it out of your mouth. You say "Yes" in your happiest face and you just know, you both won that night.

I've never had that. I've always pictured it in my head with the guy I'm in love with, but somehow, we never end up there.