Laying down in bed, scrolling tumblr and pondering edging as i do so when i realise that i can hear my own heartbeat when pressed against my pillow.
That repetitive sound - du dun, du dun, du dun - over and over again in my ear, and as it gets louder, i can start to feel it. Feel the pulse. Feel the beat in my chest.
As i focus on it, out of curiosity, i can feel it change. It slows down a little, yet still grows louder. And then some time passes and i realise my fingers have stopped scrolling tumblr now, my attention entirely captured by myself.
And it quickens up again when i blink my eyes, smile a little to myself at the silliness, and start scrolling once more. But now part of me is still caught, still paying attention to the rhythmic drumming.
i see a hot post, my thighs clench together a little and my breath catches.
i squirm, focus slipping back and forth between my phone and my heartbeat and my cunt. It's only when i feel wetness slip down my skin that i realise my mouth is hanging open and drool is escaping, my eyes having glazed over a little as my vision has tunneled.
i can no longer tell what i want to focus on most - the content i can see or the feeling of losing myself to my own body caught in its spell.
Whimper. Sigh. Clench. Squirm.
Imagination clicks and i start thinking about someone using my own heartbeat against me. Them pinning me down, cooing in my ear to feel how my heart pounds - is it fear? Excitement? To pay close attention to it and try to figure it out as they smile and laugh when my expression grows dumb the more i try to think it over, falling without realising.
It shifts now, imagination switching to something new and my phone falls away from my fingertips, now forgotten.
Instead i start to think about a similar fantasy. About sharing this with another. About writing this down, publicly, and hoping there is a friendly hypnotist who would see it, pin me down, laugh and coo at how silly i must be to succumb to something so normal.
It is neverending, constantly drumming in my chest, yet here i am growing wet at the sound and wishing it could steal my mind away for good.
Here i am sharing it aloud so that others can point and coo at how easy it must be to make my legs fall from beneath me and spread open when all it takes is a simple beat.
Here i am screaming into the void, asking for more, without knowing who is listening, and hoping my screams were heard.