#mind analysis

We made lots of progress today towards reclaiming the mind and body. Apparently there is in fact trauma in our past. Not really comfortable about talking about it here. Hopefully we will be back in more capacity soon. Starting possibly next Monday there may be better record keeping. Certainly hopefully more drawing. And maybe, one day, those can mean the same thing. We’ll get more comfortable with them. Now that a barrier is down, maybe Sen will not be as restricted? Or me at least? That’s the hope anyway. Not sure there’s any actual possibility, but hey, I always did kind-of-but-not-quite-but-yes wish-think of myself as living in a movie, so sure let’s hope for a miracle worthy of bad writing. Because life isn’t actually a movie. But I’m playing pretend dammit. 😅 But yeah. So we might do the drawing thing. Who knows. We rediscovered a fave author from our past who chronicled their OSDD life so sure maybe we can revive that desire and actually make it into fruition. And maybe Sen will get to have her name on more posts, eh?

Rani::: I dislike coming out of a period where I've been so focused on my own life that I've been gatekeeping - ignoring/subsuming, even, everyone else's existence while living/pursuing my own. It has to happen, of course; I'm not alone in this head. But to feel dirty and guilty over being unhealthy to one's own head is... a whole new level of self loathing.

Today I make the discovery that an unknown alter or fragment somewhere is at least in part furthering my ex dys. I remember reading that passive influence can bleed through even when we're not conscious of it and affect our mindstates. So I give it a try. I thank them for trying to protect me from the big unknowns that once paralyzed me with fear, but I need to be able to face the unknowns now. I thank them for their help, and ask them to let go now... ...and the weight lessens a bit. Not entirely, but some. Enough to give me hope. We can work with this. Thank you.

I remember as a child being told often that the brain rewards us with endorphins after solving problems, and that's why we feel so good after solving them. That's why we look for more things to solve, like puzzle games. And I remember thinking to myself "Oh, okay, but... I don't? I just feel exhausted after and I don't want to do any more!"

I don't think Essem was a full alter. A fragment, perhaps. A proto-alter. Maybe I'm wrong. But what I know is that she wasn't just make-believe to me. She was an important part of me, and my young childhood would have been a lot more emotionally painful without her.

I’m fairly certain that there’s something going on in my brain that numbs/obscures many of my emotions. I know I feel them still - I can chart physiological reactions. I can feel the stronger ones, sometimes way too strong and they don’t stop, sometimes to lesser degrees and they’re gone unnaturally quickly. Just because I don’t always feel/fully receive the emotions doesn’t mean they’re not there. I feel like that would tie pretty closely both into WHY I have alters, and why I’m also very out of sync with them. Everything is repressed.